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A Daily Observer in Bad Poetry

Humor in Daily Life, Politics and Sports

Deplorables 1 Media 0

img_0860The polls opened at seven but the line had already formed

They were there to vote even though the press had called them uninformed

They came from the back woods, small neighborhoods and farms

They were the once proud working class, called deplorables now up in arms

They stood in the cold speaking in low voices

Probably wouldn’t have voted at all given the choices

These were the silent people ignored by the government

By the powerful elite claiming  behind closed doors they were transparent

They had been called racist, sexist, homophobic among other things

But to be looked down on by some soft pious ex first lady really stings

They were broken and bent from years of hard labor and military service

And the fact this person might step on their rights made them nervous

Some didn’t choose to join the military they went as they were drafted

Once discharged they went back to their jobs but VA healthcare left them shafted

They endured the hardships and the cold treatment they received

It seemed like a fixable problem but the wait time for doctoring went unrelieved

The military and home life had taught them with all people to coexist

But now they were called racist and that had them pissed

But they didn’t riot, interrupt traffic, or wear causes on their sleeves

People have a right to their opinion if in the Constitution one believes

This wasn’t a vote of a woman against a man

It was against four more years of a failed national plan

This was against a photo op person in a Cubs hat trying to look cool

When all knew she’d be hard pressed to explain the infield fly rule

She seemed ill at ease in any location surrounded by citizens

As some might not actually share her far left visions

Because these deplorables knew for sure there was no free lunch

So they came out on the cold morning to throw a desperate counter punch

They stood on crutches, in wheelchairs, and leaning on canes

To sign the forms or make their mark in spite of their pains

They couldn’t win, said the press. They didn’t have a chance.

We’ve got it in a walk, lets all prepare for our victory dance.

Somewhere birds are singing, somewhere children shout

But there is no joy in Washington as the mighty Media has struck out

Time For Dr. Dan: The Late Night Discount Cosmetic Surgeon Man

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Friends, we’ll be right back to the show. Hello and welcome, Dr Dan here

Do you wish upon waking in the morning your youthful looks would reappear

With the help of our newly remodeled Discount Cosmetic Surgery, you can

Whether you’re tucking in your mommy floppies or own a rear the size of a sedan

Our trained staff at the clinic can turn your current look into tomorrows beauty

So you can have the divine figure, more hair and a jaw dropping booty

Don’t forget to ask about one of our many legendary discount specials

We offer our popular two for one deals that covers the essentials

Guys, our hair clinic can add hair Daniel Boone might want to skin

And we can liposuction that beer belly to make you look thin

For you ladies we can pull up those boobs to again point the way

And tighten the chin and crows feet to keep Mr. Age at bay

If your face needs a little tweak or a complete renovation

Call the 800 number on the screen for more information`

Think your budget can’t handle looking good

We offer plenty of discount specials when you think you could

Our expert specialists can transplant hair one at a time

After a $200 deposit each follicle implant is only a dime

That tattoo your ex boyfriend said would be a good idea

Who’s now doing hard time and gave you gonorrhea

For just a few dollars, we can laser it off with little pain

You pay only by the inch and we won’t leave a stain

Our low cost Botox will make your lips look like bratwurst

Your date won’t be able to turn away when those lips are pursed

Tired of your neighbors talking about your schnoz challenged daughter

Saying she could breathe through her nose while submerged in water

With our easy payment plan she’ll have a nose like a pixie

And when we say we can do that we ain’t whistling Dixie

Finally don’t forget about our biannual Moonlight Madness Sale

From seven to twelve our fabulous bargains will prevail

Discounts are huge and prices are slashed

So open that coffee can where that mad money is stashed

Because our $59.99 turkey neck special is first come first serve

Give yourself the radiant look you know you deserve

One lucky grand prize winner gets to reach into our Basket O’ Breasts

To receive a free pair of gently used implants from one of our upgraded guests

These implants like the rest of our procedures all carry a 90 day guarantee

Should you not be 100% satisfied we’ll replace them for free

When it’s time to refresh yourself, after age takes its toll

Come see us and by the way,  Hablamos Español

There’s hot dogs and sodas for all who stop by

Why not just once reach for the sky

Give us a call, the number is at the bottom of the screen

So you can once again be stepping out like a king and a queen

The Walking Dead Tired

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The twice a year, government mandated jet lag is being forced upon us

The puppet masters are demanding the population be out of sync so everyone adjusts

It’s time to reset every clock in 48 states for no apparent reason

To ignore the command like not paying taxes would be considered treason

The switch from Daylight Saving Time to Standard Time is happening soon

So the evening rush hour in sudden darkness is a body shop boon

The children are still standing at the morning bus stop in the dark

It’s just as black when the afternoon soccer van pulls up for them to disembark

Forget about the massive efforts, time, and cost to change every clock

The audit of company information checking the mythical hour provides sticker shock

Four hundred thirty four million is a number provided as loss in productivity

All forfeited over a hundred year old senseless activity

But this clock setting exercise in futility is not without its’ charms

Blow dried smiling local news people get to advise to check your smoke alarms

Morning rush, meetings and appointments are all in a slow motion haze

While the government sends out pretentious messages singing the praise

Cows and chickens set their day by the sun not their time pieces

The farmers hate the time changes as their stress increases

This idea was instituted in the early twentieth century

The reason behind this notion was very elementary

This was a way to conserve power when the days were longer

From a fiscal sense the use of daylight made the idea stronger

This was before international trade, computers or air conditioning

The world’s move from agrarian to industrialization was transitioning

Twenty four hour business and seven days a week communication

But we, the sheep continue to change our clocks with out further legislation

Time changes were implemented and regulated to aid our forebears

Now our seething tempers diminish after a couple of weeks so no one cares

Heart attacks, auto accidents, and psychotic reactions, all indicate time change stress

With zombie like precision the clocks are set as the government requests

This will change as it always does, when a pregnant politician

Gives birth at 1:47 am the day of the spring forward edition

The twins will be born thirty minutes apart at just the right hour

To make the bleary eyed staff person typing the records cower

The records will show the time of delivery of the first born

Is actually after the second twin due to the hour of the morn.

Little Ankles

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The hidden mouse hole in the vent under the bed was just large enough

His eyes glittered in the dark while he slid through as it wasn’t rough

The storage box on the floor provided cover and a good point of view

For the mouse that was recently by there looking for something to chew

The bed springs above creaked and and he heard a small voice call for Mother

Alert, quietly sniffing the air, waiting for a mouse or something other

The door swung open with a cheery voice and the rustle of a house coat

The bunny slippers looked so real. “Maybe I could strike quickly at the throat.”

But the long legs in the rabbits would be a challenge and hard to digest

Thinking better of an attack,he put down his head and continued to rest.

Then above him, he sensed motion, a smaller movement then the one in the door

The springs bounced with a cheerful noise and the little ankles landed on the floor

Only these feet were small and delicate as were the legs, a definite possibility

“Something that small would fill my void and is well within my capability.”

The young voice asked. “Mommy after drinking my milk can I go out to play?”

This conversation happening only inches from where the big reptile lay.

Then a smooch sound a giggle and the little ankles were lifted away

With his tongue flicking, the long vigil resumed waiting on his prey

“Honey, what is this?” the young mother asked looking looking at the vacuum can

She was looking at several oblong objects each looking like half a pecan

“Why on earth,” the husband asked. “Are you sorting through the vacuum and dust pan?”

“I’ve been finding these under the bed and behind the settee.”

The young mother continued. “They look like droppings of mouse poo to me.”

The husband took note and noticed the shape and mumbled he might agree

“Okay,” he said. “We’ll find us a good exterminator man.”

“One that will come out just once and not try to sell us a long term plan.”

“You might have a problem a little bigger than mice.”

The uniformed man spoke to the mother while holding a trap device.

“I’ll put a few of these out and head down to your crawl space.”

“Not to alarm but I’ll carry my bag and snake hook just in case.”

He took a while under the house, she could him cough and wheeze

He then appeared with cob webs in his hair and dirt on his knees

He held one long snake skin in his hand that draped to the floor

“This is all I found I didn’t find anything more.”

“The snake might have moved on looking for something to eat.”

“When they don’t have a reason to stay they have a tendency to retreat.”

“So you mean it’s gone?” Asked the woman in a voice tinged with fear.

She demanded, “I want it gone or killed and none anywhere near.”

“I think it’s gone I can’t tell for sure, but I’ll seal the cracks so it can’t get in.”

“That should be the last of him and I will dispose of this skin.”

“But I’ll tell you a secret that you may have thought out.”

“Most homes unless really closed up have a snake or two without a doubt.”

So he caulked up the cracks on the outside and all along the baseboard

Anyplace around the house the slithering animal might have explored

“I’m sure that’s got it ma’am your house is now tight as a tick.”

“If any small cracks develop a shot of silicone sealer should do the trick.”

The young mother paid for the service, relieved the work was complete

And to not have to worry about what was crawling near their feet

That night after putting her daughter to bed and turning out the light

She didn’t notice the lump under the stuffed bear looked not quite right

Under the happy bluebird sheets the lump started to uncoil

The sheets were tucked in very tightly causing him to toil

Tonight the little ankles were his, where he had hidden still and unseen

As the little feet came into view, he wanted to wish all Happy Halloween.

The Politically Correct BBQ Boy

“Hello Sir and welcome to the The Porkalooza Pit House.”

“And what can I get for you and your spouse?”

The young man looked all fancy and neat in his white shirt and paper hat

Little did he knew he had crossed the new kind of American always ready for a spat

“And what makes you think this is my wife,” the customer snapped.

The startled young man glanced up, feeling he had just been trapped

The surprised look was all the customer needed to turn up the heat

And in just a matter of time he knew he’d have some new material to tweet

“Because of your obvious lack of training let me enlighten you on a thing or two,

And then you might know something other than how to make stew,”

“This is a different world sonny,” said the customer. “People now are easy to offend

“You’re probably making eight bucks an hour and on a road to a dead end.”

“It also bothers me you have an American flag flying out front on the pole.”

“Why not flags of other nations?” he snarled feeling as he was on a roll.

“Sir if I may,” asked the server. “Could you place your order please?”

“No, it doesn’t please,” mimicked the man staring at the chalk board.

“Give me two of the number twos,” said the man in an effort to sound bored.

“Is this it for the menu or is number two the specialty of this greasy spoon?

And hopefully to whatever diseases are jumping off the plate I’ll be immune.”

“Two number twos coming right up,” said the server. “For here or to go?”

“Well to go now,” growled the customer. “Because you’ve been nothing but slow.”

“I see your restrooms are closed for repair, so we are now reduced to using the Port a Can?”

“For my partner to use, it better have paper, smell fresh and be spic and span”

“While we’re waiting I suppose this alleged food comes from an environmentally unsafe farm.”

“You park a lot of hogs together and the surrounding area suffers great harm.”

“And what if I was a Muslim? Would you still offer meat from an animal with cloven hoof.”

The customer was now raising his voice sounding indignant and aloof.

“Well,” replied the server.” “We don’t get a lot of Muslims here.”

“The last one in was just lost and needed to know which way to steer.”

“Are you being smart with me?” snapped the customer clearly annoyed.

“Keep that attitude up and I’ll see you’re unemployed.”

“Is this going to take all day? I’ve got an important meeting to attend.”

“I know that is hard for someone like you to comprehend.”

“You see I’m trying to help the underprivileged and poor.”

“It’s trying to defeat the elitist attitude of some I deplore.”

“You see the time has come for progressive thought in this land.”

“We’re standing up for the poor people and making the demand.”

“That those people in low income housing, working in jobs paying poor wages.”

“Will get better pay, better homes and health care exchanges”

“So speed it up there boy,  look alive, I’ve got to leave.”

“As dealing with incompetents like you is a pet peeve.”

“Let me check in the back,” said the server.”To see how long it will be,

Because making important people wait is not my cup of tea.”

Returning in just a couple of minutes the kid was almost beaming

“Alright here you go two number twos hot and steaming.”

Grabbing the bags the couple stormed out without a thanks

The young man laughed out loud at one of his better pranks

“Don’t come in to our place acting like such a louse,

Cause the sign out front might say Porkalooza Pit House.”

“But my dead end road stopped just inside the Port a Can.”

“Where the two number twos were scraped off the proverbial fan.”

Sometimes You Have To Eat The Skunk

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The gentle updraft helped propel the vulture ahead

It was breakfast time and he was looking for something dead.

He’d seen a possum yesterday by the side of the road

But it was gone, “We ate it all,” the ravens crowed

Damn birds always sneaking around and eating someone’s lunch

“Oh well,” hoped the vulture. “I guess I’ll settle for brunch.”

By dinnertime his wings were tired and his stomach starting to growl

By now he wasn’t choosy just hoping for something not too foul

When a dot caught his eye by an outcropping of rocks

“Oh good, hopefully that’ll be a nice fat fox.”

But as he circled and expanding his wings for a landing

His feet touched something soft, he came to a repulsive understanding

Why no other animal was feasting on this piece of fresh protein

It had wide white stripe and the overwhelming stench of chlorine

But his stomach was howling and though it truly stunk

Caution went to the wind as sometimes you have to eat the skunk

Such is the same with all life, just like every couple

The everyday annoyances of life they learn to juggle

Life is never smooth there are many patches that are rough

The wise will say it’s those patches that makes one tough

Some foolishly rail on over a broken nail while others not enough to eat

To most it’s the everyday routine that knocks them off their feet

Starting in the morning with the slow brake tapper in the fast lane

Putting the finger waving tailgater on your bumper shouting something profane

And finding in your car park that someone’s taken your spot

So you park fifty yards away in the gravel and dirt auxiliary lot

Stepping gingerly through the chewing gum, broken glass and dog poo

Hoping you don’t bring a souvenir to the office on your shoe

Tedious morning meetings spent trying not to look down a co workers blouse

Or you’ll be accused of having elevator eyes and branded a sexist louse

Here’s a clue for those displaying cleavage and then acting offended

Use that second or third button for what it is intended

Days are squandered tapping into phone menus and watching the computer buffer

Nodding to your boss’s impossible quotas with breath that would make a fly suffer

So you stare at the floor nodding, trying to avoid the breath

That certainly could cause seizures or maybe even death

The days roll on precise in their monotonous routine

Your lunch goes missing as do your stamps and tape by thieves unseen

There’s no paper in the toilet and someone’s peed on the floor

Five can’t get here quick enough to beeline out the door

The road rage appears again in the sweltering afternoon

This time it’s a pickup being driven by a drunk looking goon

But he drives on satisfied that you know you drive like a blind old granny

And you drive on laughing that fluid was pouring out of his tranny

You arrive home just thankful that you don’t trip over any of the kids’ toys

When your wife approaches and asks you to see what’s causing her car’s noise

So you’re back in the hot garage muttering “Who would’ve thunk

That there are many days in life where you have to eat the skunk.”

Fluoride

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Did you hear crazy Uncle Charley died today?

They laid him out all neat and fancy in a suit of gray.

In his last few years he didn’t make sense, his brain was mush

But as looney as he was he never forgot to brush.

He was always healthy, only drank water, and flossed his teeth.

So he died at fifty eight, looking real natural under the wreath.

He always heard he’d have great teeth by drinking water with fluoride.

Little did Charley know the rumor was glorified

When the airplane aluminum industry in World War II

Found a manufacturing by product was starting to accrue

They could only use this toxin to kill so many rats and mice

So they called on a company scientist for some much needed advice

The company knew it couldn’t release the poison in the atmosphere

There’d be law suits a plenty and the good company name, some would smear

So the company scientist thought of a plan to dispose of the waste

“We can put in the drinking water where it can’t be traced.”

He found a few experimental  rats didn’t have much tooth decay

And this could be a way to lead the population astray.

You see we’ll tell them this chemical hazard is good for you

People will celebrate and bid their cavities adieu

And we as a company can double our sales

We’re feed them the pitch and embellish with tall tales

We’ll get a high profile lawyer to agree with the plan

Pay one the right money and he’ll promote the sham

So communities everywhere were able to rejoice

Praising the fluoride all in one grateful voice

So for sixty or seventy years Americans have drunk the great hoax.

A little daily dose of environmental hazard won’t hurt you folks

Forget about the fact that your brain will begin accumulate

All the amyloid plaque the poison starts to stimulate

It doesn’t start late it starts in the womb

With the mother drinking water as much as she can consume

Giving up her favorite drinks, worried about the baby’s health

When the only thing accomplished was adding to one company’s wealth

The poison is in the baby’s system from day one

The future of the child’s mental capacity has begun

And don’t let your kid be healthy and play outdoors

Cause to stay hydrated, the poison drunk really soars

Now this hazard does nothing to make your water safe to drink

It takes thirty of forty years so no one sees the link

Not many older people remember a crazy grandpa or grandmom

Most sharp as a tack and very productive until time to embalm

Sure there was an occasional relative at the kids table with a bib and a spoon

But by-product water was not their mental cause before howling at the moon.

The rapid rise in dementia is terrifying to most

Since it’s a cumulative process, difficult to diagnose

So have a glass of water while studying the stats.

But better yet give it back to the rats

Or join Uncle Charley so serene on the slab.

All due to 1930’s experimental vermin conducted in a lab.

The Paper Cut

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I was grateful for this part time job, the pay was okay, and liked the people there

But the monotony of filing and proof reading reports was sometimes hard to bear.

The third cup of coffee was ineffective and my eyes were slowly closing

The sales numbers report to be delivered tomorrow wasn’t keeping me from dozing

Trained as an accountant and twenty five years of service, I was let go for a company down size

With bills to pay and kids in school, waiting for a full time gig seemed unwise

The shift was over in twenty minutes and the printer collator was on the fritz again

The contract service person was to be there but no one knows when

The presentation was to be completed by close of business day

Or a report will be filed in your personnel jacket much to your dismay

All was plodding along as expected when one of the sheets sliced through some skin

It wasn’t deep or long but some blood fell on the report and began sinking in

“You need to take that to a doctor,” said the office manager appearing like an apparition

“That’s not a suggestion,” she said all puffed up. “Now go see a physician.”

“I guess that since this is going to cost I’ll be covered by workman’s compensation.”

“No,” she said. “We don’t have enough full time employees to need that regulation.”

“Great no Workman’s Comp.,” I thought. “Not only no lunch break but no insurance.”

‘Don’t worry, they’ll probably band aid it.” She stated with her toneless assurance.

The doc-in-the-box was right around the corner next to the Quik Snip style store.

Stepping out of the car and over the chewing gum, I went through the glass door.

The woman behind the glass frowned. “With no insurance you need to pay in advance.”

“That’ll be seventy five dollars,” and still hadn’t given my wound so much as a glance.

So I wrote the check and thought that was half my pay for the week.

So I sat in a hard plastic chair smelling of alcohol and hair boutique.

I left the dog eared magazine for fear of six months of cooties jumping on me.

“Sir if you hang up your phone, you can come back now,” said the NP.

And from the attitude I knew right away she was not my cup of tea.

Her hair was spiked and her nose piercing appeared inflamed and infected

And a misspelling of one of her tattoos appeared to be corrected.

“So let’s see this little cut,” she said sliding a lamp over her head

The light shone on the cut and a dark spot was on the wound where it had bled.

“Hmm,” she hummed. “This dark spot may be dirt or possibly a cause for worry.”

I’m sending you over to the GP this afternoon, I hope you’re not in a hurry.”

“But I can’t afford another doc.” I said trying to be civil and not sound like a jerk.

“You’ll need to go,” she replied. “He’s right around the corner and then you can return to work

I can’t give you a note as there are tests needed here and you haven’t been cleared.”

“Damn,”I thought. “This little paper cut is starting to add up to much worse than I feared.”

The next office, three blocks away appeared to be nicer than the one before

The carpets were clean, the chairs padded, and no greasy smudges on the door.

The receptionist seemed cheery enough behind her sliding glass and jar of pens

“I heard you don’t have insurance,” she smiled looking over her reading half lens

“We received a call from your last visit and we’ll be sending your blood sample to the lab.”

“The lab we use charges $175 we need the check up front,” So far no one’s glanced at the scab.

So a heavyset woman in too tight scrubs took a large amount of blood to fill a vial

Then slapped a super hero band aid over the tiny cut and waddled down the aisle

“Am I going to see a real doctor,” I asked the nurse while buttoning my shirt

“Not today,” she replied. “ We had a patient come in that was really hurt.”

“And I see by your chart you only paid for lab work and didn’t pay for a doc.”

“Just as well,” I thought as I left the office. “I didn’t want to put my car in hock.”

“We’ll call with the results,” she said. “And here’s a note to get back to your business

And remember to sanitize your hands to ensure you didn’t pick up a sickness.”

So two hundred and fifty lighter I sit in my stifling hot car turning up the air

“It’s all stacked against the little people,”  I thought. “We get by on a wing and a prayer.”

The Toad and The Peacock

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The Toad and The Peacock

The croaking sound heard up and down the road

was the noise of a oily green female toad.

She spoke as she hopped, an expert on everything

She promised prosperity, while passing out taxpayers’ bling

“Follow me down the road and I’ll make your dreams come true.”

She spoke to all as if they were her children that didn’t have a clue

“Racial harmony, free healthcare, and fifteen an hour

This is easy to do when you put me in power.”

And hopping right beside her is the man who would be king.

Once a bitter enemy, he was now her puppet on a string

With a phone, a pen and a wave of the hand

He’s made it his mission to see how much debt this country could stand

With all the full time job losses, no raises and company cut backs

He’s leaving a federal debt that might make the toad squirm in her slacks

But she smiles on knowing she’ll make the job creators pay her tax

And besides in true Democratic fashion she owns all the super Pacs

But goods will be cheaper to the poor,” she argues. “Due to NAFTA product,

And if that’s wrong the FBI will clear me of any misconduct.

So follow me to the election.” said the oily green pant suited toad.

With her minions in tow, she hopped along but suddenly slowed.

Coming into view on a collision course came a strutting peacock.

And right behind him was the giant mass of his hat wearing flock.

We’re gonna make this country great again,” the rooster crowed

Oh you’re the great visionary, save us now, the praises overflowed

While solving all your problems, we’re gonna build a wall”

And our neighbors to the south will pay for it all”

“But what if it’s made out of paper mache?” a woman began to bawl.

Get her the hell out,” the peacock snapped.She’s got a lot of gall.”

How dare I be questioned” cried the rooster. “I’ll send out a snotty tweet.”

And for his believers he spread his feathers bathed in his conceit.

Well lookie who’s here,” crowed the peacock.

It looks like crooked toadie crawled from under a rock.”

Do I hear the great slum lord?” shot back the toad.

The bird of broken contracts, bad manners and hair air blowed.”

I see you’re back from your Hamptons’ vacation chalet.

What was rent this time? 100K?”

Those are mighty nice digs for someone who is dead broke

Are you trying to sound like a regular Joe or just blowing smoke?”

Croaked Toadie, “Let’s worry about the world and your ban on Muslims

They’re just looking for opportunity and you stop them at Customs.”

“No worry about you.” said the bird. America thinks I’m great.”

I can’t wait for the debates and I’ll set you straight.”

The debates will show inexperience,” croaked the toad. “And all will remember

When it comes time to cast that ballet in November.”

One thing is certain, stated the bird. “You and your spouse

Will not have another chance at affairs in the White House.”

So they both cried at once, “In order to keep the faith

Vote for me on November Eighth.”

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