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A Daily Observer in Bad Poetry

Humor in Daily Life, Politics and Sports

Reality TV: Election Edition

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Through the last 60 years America has embraced some form of Reality Television

The public has become so blasé this form of entertainment played into this year’s decision

Let’s take a look at this concept and see how it may have applied from shows over the years

Perhaps future campaigns might eliminate debates and turn to programming as electioneers

CANDID CAMERA: Have a person sitting with kids holding pictures of candidates and Peppa Pig

The kids would all vote for Peppa if given the choice because the man was wearing a “cheap wig”

And they said the lady looked like Sally’s mean old Aunt who had recently departed

Then they all rolled about the floor and giggled uncontrollably because little Johnny farted

QUEEN FOR A DAY: Four women have to tell their tales of woe to the studio crowd

The winner is the hopeful who’s eruption on the Applause-O-Meter was the most loud

Hillary, Carly, Jill and Lynn all had a shot at their own brand of commiseration

Each story was accompanied by pleading gestures and anguished tears for voter consideration

Hillary was the clear audience choice winning in an outright landslide

Shady land deals, failed foreign policies, missing e-mails and may be criminally tried

She definitely seemed to surge to the lead while the other participants cried

The remaining women had grievous stories of struggles and suffering on their way to the top

But the Applause-O-Meter needle pegged as Hillary’s story was cream of the crop

THE DATING GAME: A comely miss would ask gentlemen questions to determine her date

The answer would aid the lass in determining with whom she could best relate

“Bachelor #1, If on a date you grabbed my genitals how should I respond?”

“You should feel honored,” answers #1 “As I am a big fish in a small pond.”

The young lady shocked by the last answer advised, “My next question is for Bachelor #3.’

“If you were a married President and I was your VP’s daughter, would you sleep with me?”

“Yes I would,” said #3. “And any woman that looked at me twice.”

“Just be in my vicinity and I would consider that an attempt to entice.”

COPS: We’re riding With Sergeant Ellison of the DC white collar crime division on patrol

He states, “Trying to bust the real bad frauds and cheats is our main goal.”

On for years“Bad Boys Bad Boys” the catchy theme for the program goes

Unfortunately for DC there’s not enough investigators to decide who to depose

SURVIVOR: This game pits contestants against each other under inhumane situations

The camera angles have to be precise as to not show today’s catering truck presentations

This current edition pits Clinton against Trump in mudslinging warfare

As it turns out, after a year and a half neither seemed the worse for wear

AMERICAN IDOL: Judges get to pick the contender singing the sweetest guarantee

Regrettably the judges deadlocked as both challengers were continuously off key

THE AMAZING RACE: This show pits two entrants competing  shouting catch phrases

With photo ops and angry speeches trying to win the Nation’s peoples’ praises

Each nominee schemed and then decided on a different path to win the race

The winner went out and beat the bushes, the loser didn’t leave her metropolitan built in fan base

AMERICA’S GOT TALENT: A timed event to amaze judges with their talent in nothing flat

Both candidates were gang buzzed inside ten seconds and we’ll leave it at that

THE APPRENTICE: The President Elect interviews potential Cabinet hopefuls he wants hired

Only this time serious damage might be done before he gets to say “You’re Fired.”

THE BIGGEST LOSER: Hopefully this show won’t turn out to be the American voters

As betting on a long shot is usually only championed by carnival snake oil promoters

The Other Parade

img_0882The people crammed the sidewalks early in the morning

They had dressed warmly heeding the freeze warning

Every exhale was seen forming a misty cloud

Partially due to cold, partially due to chili dogs sold to the crowd

Anticipation built as distant sirens and drum beats sounded

The buildings on each side of the street created a chamber as the wail resounded

The first high school band carrying a banner strutted into view

From Cedar Rapids they were making their network debut

Behind them were six cowboys on horses twirling ropes and waving to the masses

And hoping the noises from the backside of their animals were just gasses

Then came the first balloon, an updated version of last year’s Underdog

Modified to look like Trump with giant loud speakers, small hands, inane tweets and dialogue

The sound was very loud so no one would understand what was said

But yell loud enough and no one would know the balloon was in over its head

The red hatted parade employees worked hard to keep the figure from sending tweets not clever

As most of it’s tweets were caustic replies to critiques from its latest endeavor

Passing the stand where the Bushs’ sat he saw they had dropped trou and were shooting him the moon

Causing one nun, a red cross bell ringer and three brownie scouts to swoon

Behind the floating gas bag was a Stones cover band playing “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.”

How true that is but the Trumploon didn’t listen to lyrics and seemed nonchalant.

A couple of hyperbole throwing, high profile media seekers followed close behind

The first convertible had Rudy Guiliani, he was New York’s best mayor, he was quick to remind

He was early to the staging area as he only had to walk from his cot at Fox and Friends

He’s always on the show to advance his agenda and comment on current trends

The next was another large blimp, no wait it is a flat bed pulling Chris Christie

He’s waving to the crowd wearing that scowl that makes him look both angry and prissy.

The next zeppelin was a weird female figure doing a shoulder shimmy with a forced scripted cackle

Looking regal in her sequined pantsuit she kept yelling to the millions of illegals she would unshackle

Hilloon liked flying above the crowd, she couldn’t relate to commoners but could still yell “Unite”

But she couldn’t stop for a second as the somewhat wimpy FBI balloon might indict

Hoping cutsie catch phrases might hide the crimes she couldn’t overcome

As the figure hurried away, the crowd couldn’t decide if it was running for or from

Strangely it seemed that more people waved to the Hillary balloon than the one of Trump

But the Trumploon appealed to more states causing the Hilloon to look like a chump

This was followed by another Stones cover band playing “You Got The Silver I Got The Gold”

The Hilloon made a lot of money over the years but its downfall were the emails it tried to withhold

In a convertible behind were a group of obnoxious celebrity personalities

All pretentiously puffed up espousing their own brand of ill informed banality

Finally just before Santa Claus came the Bernie Sanders balloon giving away lots of free things

Free college, free housing and income into the crowd he flings with no attached strings

And sadly the young were screaming for more free stuff in order for them to succeed

The last band playing “Gimme Shelter” in keeping with songs from the Stones album Let It Bleed

As the last gas bag passed it became apparent, they were slowly deflating

A year and a half barrage of insults and finger pointing had become more than irritating

Finally just before the crowd dispersed came Santa drinking heavily from a flask filled with booze

With enough liquor calming himself from the noise of politically correct boos.

And urging on the tractor to speed up a bit while mushing his fake reindeer

He didn’t want the children to see the glistening tracks on his cheeks made by his tears

Gobbler Strike Force

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It was the Tuesday evening before Thanksgiving and the store lights went dark

“Time to move out if you’re with us,” said 24-6 the clans’ patriarch

“Our army has dwindled but our giblets still have heart.”

“We’ll fight till our red buttons pop. We can get her back if we do our part.”

“Sir,” little 10-4 piped up, “18-4 and 16-2 have both been taken.”

“Casualties of war sonny,” said 24-6. His nerves unshaken

Their plans drawn up, their objective for the raid was 19-6

The exquisite hen with large rounded breasts and to die for drumsticks

The information 10-4 had obtained late at night after the store had closed

Showed the address on the store rewards card could be approached unexposed

So the small band of raiders checked their gear and set about their mission

They had sliced off their plastic wrap and were ready to battle their opposition

Quietly they scuttled across the floor and through the receiving doors

Dashing past the parked trailers and rendezvoused by the grove of sycamores

The band of raiders raced on under the cover of lost and found camouflage

Dragging behind them meager supplies,  they took cover in the shrubs behind the garage

They had brought the store’s hand truck, a chain of plastic bags, and a box of dog bones

Standing on 24-6’s shoulders, 10-4 quickly cut the lines to the house telephones

“Quiet! Someone’s coming,” hissed 17-3. Covered with the camo the group fell silent

The family of the house passed. No invader moved as a clash to get violent

The people piled into the car and left for a Thanksgiving parade

The band thought the house empty and hadn’t figured on the live-in maid

The first bird crashed through the window holding dog treats and the plastic chain

Using the hand truck as a catapult, 24-6 was firing his squad inside, only he would remain

The chain uncoiling down the side of the house showed all were inside

“We’re trying to get her now,” whispered 17-3 prying the cooler doors not to be denied

The doors popped open and there she was in all her enticing beauty

“Come on, no time to explain,” as two others grabbed the bewildered cutie

Suddenly a high pitched growl and a burst of light illuminated the area

“What’s going on in here?” screeched the maid her voice tinged with hysteria

A dinky teacup Yorkie barked frantically at the nearest pale white invader

The maid fearing the worst, grabbed the nearest weapon, a rotary cheese grater.

Bitch slapping the yappy dog 17-3 hustled 19-6 back down the chain

To get her out now and leave no one behind was their goal to obtain

10-4 threw a large bowl of jellied cranberry sauce at the maid

Another raider slammed the box of bones over the dog’s head to stop the noisy tirade

With no casualties the band of of marauders slid down the chain and into the night

Stopping briefly to catch their breath before heading to the appointed spot to reunite

Ain’t never seen seen nothing like this, thought the overweight detective

It seems to steal a turkey was their only objective

The sauce spatter pattern indicates the sauce was thrown from this spot

And the berry stained catatonic maid couldn’t tell us squat

Still holding the grater she kept mumbling about little white ghosts

With the dog stuffed with bones this crime scene is difficult to diagnose

Shaking his head looking at the mutt lying in a pool of slippery red sauce

He eyed the chalk outline of where the maid had slipped, logic at a loss

Looking at the store receipt for a large 19 pound plus turkey

His thought process as to motive proved more than a little murky

Later with 19-6 standing wing in wing under the tall tree called Old Hickory

24-6 was heard to say, “ I love the smell of cranberries in the morning. It smells like victory.”

Chicago Sanitation: Only The Beautiful Need Apply

img_0827The casting call was on page eight of the entertainment section

Please submit a head shot and resume for inspection

An upstart company was trying to compete with television success

Another city based drama should be what the audience requests

So the casting would be done based on the customary blueprint

Get semi known people with varied levels of acting skills and make a mint

The script calls for team interactions while trying to keep out of each others’ way

But all the on camera regulars must be beautiful stated the interoffice communique

Local sanitation Teamsters 893 wouldn’t have anyone working not svelte and chiseled

People with substance abuse, relationship issues, poorly dressed may be old and grizzled

The cattle call was placed and went to all the unemployed actors

Current resumes, photos, and previous gigs were to be determining factors

The cast was to be assembled with a black candidate as the local team leader

Her job was to be tough yet empathetic and a bit of a mind reader

The powers that be are now happy as the cast will appear diversified

And that should keep the people that watch for those things mollified

You won’t see another black person unless in the background and barely on screen

The rest of the cast will be eight white guys, one Asian and one Hispanic ex marine.

Two women will also be included, one a blond and one of mixed descent

The personalities will evolve with one turning out to be a murderous malcontent

However each and everyone will be dazzling right down to their pearly whites

The men must look exceptional with their shirts off and the women in shorts and tights

One never knows when tossing a garbage container they would need to strike a pose

As many a lonely housewife or husband dreams of a sanitation worker with no clothes

The show is cast, many of the regulars straight from underwear ads

Mannequins that speak, in keeping with the network drama fads

Disasters, interoffice turmoil, and job setbacks will be thrust upon the crew

All will be resolved in 52 minutes unless there is to be a part two

The weekly dramas will continue in story lines continuously retold

A kidnapped asthmatic child locked in a dumpster and left in the cold

The drug deal drop point was a can emptied into the hero’s truck

The phone threats stating the drugs will be returned or a fan favorite is a dead duck

Of course the romantically involved regulars hilarious attempt at hiding their lust

When and where the first hookup took place is a bet by the team often discussed

Run the show as a summer replacement and notify the advertisers to buy commercial time

If it doesn’t hit right away throw in some nudity and watch the ratings climb

The crime, grime and raging libidos continue like clock work for sixteen weeks

Regardless of writing, subject matter and overall critiques

Television executives possess no imagination as shows aping shows continue forever

Copy the one show displaying some initiative, a new twist or something clever

Variety shows, westerns, detectives have all ruled the airwaves at one time or another

Flip the channel in any decade for six of one and a half dozen of the other

Currently good looking actors man every professional job under the sun

No one considered plain can ever carry a stethoscope or badge and gun

Someday the burned out public will have had enough and tune in NPR

Now that would be something unheard of and truly bizarre

Deplorables 1 Media 0

img_0860The polls opened at seven but the line had already formed

They were there to vote even though the press had called them uninformed

They came from the back woods, small neighborhoods and farms

They were the once proud working class, called deplorables now up in arms

They stood in the cold speaking in low voices

Probably wouldn’t have voted at all given the choices

These were the silent people ignored by the government

By the powerful elite claiming  behind closed doors they were transparent

They had been called racist, sexist, homophobic among other things

But to be looked down on by some soft pious ex first lady really stings

They were broken and bent from years of hard labor and military service

And the fact this person might step on their rights made them nervous

Some didn’t choose to join the military they went as they were drafted

Once discharged they went back to their jobs but VA healthcare left them shafted

They endured the hardships and the cold treatment they received

It seemed like a fixable problem but the wait time for doctoring went unrelieved

The military and home life had taught them with all people to coexist

But now they were called racist and that had them pissed

But they didn’t riot, interrupt traffic, or wear causes on their sleeves

People have a right to their opinion if in the Constitution one believes

This wasn’t a vote of a woman against a man

It was against four more years of a failed national plan

This was against a photo op person in a Cubs hat trying to look cool

When all knew she’d be hard pressed to explain the infield fly rule

She seemed ill at ease in any location surrounded by citizens

As some might not actually share her far left visions

Because these deplorables knew for sure there was no free lunch

So they came out on the cold morning to throw a desperate counter punch

They stood on crutches, in wheelchairs, and leaning on canes

To sign the forms or make their mark in spite of their pains

They couldn’t win, said the press. They didn’t have a chance.

We’ve got it in a walk, lets all prepare for our victory dance.

Somewhere birds are singing, somewhere children shout

But there is no joy in Washington as the mighty Media has struck out

Time For Dr. Dan: The Late Night Discount Cosmetic Surgeon Man

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Friends, we’ll be right back to the show. Hello and welcome, Dr Dan here

Do you wish upon waking in the morning your youthful looks would reappear

With the help of our newly remodeled Discount Cosmetic Surgery, you can

Whether you’re tucking in your mommy floppies or own a rear the size of a sedan

Our trained staff at the clinic can turn your current look into tomorrows beauty

So you can have the divine figure, more hair and a jaw dropping booty

Don’t forget to ask about one of our many legendary discount specials

We offer our popular two for one deals that covers the essentials

Guys, our hair clinic can add hair Daniel Boone might want to skin

And we can liposuction that beer belly to make you look thin

For you ladies we can pull up those boobs to again point the way

And tighten the chin and crows feet to keep Mr. Age at bay

If your face needs a little tweak or a complete renovation

Call the 800 number on the screen for more information`

Think your budget can’t handle looking good

We offer plenty of discount specials when you think you could

Our expert specialists can transplant hair one at a time

After a $200 deposit each follicle implant is only a dime

That tattoo your ex boyfriend said would be a good idea

Who’s now doing hard time and gave you gonorrhea

For just a few dollars, we can laser it off with little pain

You pay only by the inch and we won’t leave a stain

Our low cost Botox will make your lips look like bratwurst

Your date won’t be able to turn away when those lips are pursed

Tired of your neighbors talking about your schnoz challenged daughter

Saying she could breathe through her nose while submerged in water

With our easy payment plan she’ll have a nose like a pixie

And when we say we can do that we ain’t whistling Dixie

Finally don’t forget about our biannual Moonlight Madness Sale

From seven to twelve our fabulous bargains will prevail

Discounts are huge and prices are slashed

So open that coffee can where that mad money is stashed

Because our $59.99 turkey neck special is first come first serve

Give yourself the radiant look you know you deserve

One lucky grand prize winner gets to reach into our Basket O’ Breasts

To receive a free pair of gently used implants from one of our upgraded guests

These implants like the rest of our procedures all carry a 90 day guarantee

Should you not be 100% satisfied we’ll replace them for free

When it’s time to refresh yourself, after age takes its toll

Come see us and by the way,  Hablamos Español

There’s hot dogs and sodas for all who stop by

Why not just once reach for the sky

Give us a call, the number is at the bottom of the screen

So you can once again be stepping out like a king and a queen

The Walking Dead Tired

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The twice a year, government mandated jet lag is being forced upon us

The puppet masters are demanding the population be out of sync so everyone adjusts

It’s time to reset every clock in 48 states for no apparent reason

To ignore the command like not paying taxes would be considered treason

The switch from Daylight Saving Time to Standard Time is happening soon

So the evening rush hour in sudden darkness is a body shop boon

The children are still standing at the morning bus stop in the dark

It’s just as black when the afternoon soccer van pulls up for them to disembark

Forget about the massive efforts, time, and cost to change every clock

The audit of company information checking the mythical hour provides sticker shock

Four hundred thirty four million is a number provided as loss in productivity

All forfeited over a hundred year old senseless activity

But this clock setting exercise in futility is not without its’ charms

Blow dried smiling local news people get to advise to check your smoke alarms

Morning rush, meetings and appointments are all in a slow motion haze

While the government sends out pretentious messages singing the praise

Cows and chickens set their day by the sun not their time pieces

The farmers hate the time changes as their stress increases

This idea was instituted in the early twentieth century

The reason behind this notion was very elementary

This was a way to conserve power when the days were longer

From a fiscal sense the use of daylight made the idea stronger

This was before international trade, computers or air conditioning

The world’s move from agrarian to industrialization was transitioning

Twenty four hour business and seven days a week communication

But we, the sheep continue to change our clocks with out further legislation

Time changes were implemented and regulated to aid our forebears

Now our seething tempers diminish after a couple of weeks so no one cares

Heart attacks, auto accidents, and psychotic reactions, all indicate time change stress

With zombie like precision the clocks are set as the government requests

This will change as it always does, when a pregnant politician

Gives birth at 1:47 am the day of the spring forward edition

The twins will be born thirty minutes apart at just the right hour

To make the bleary eyed staff person typing the records cower

The records will show the time of delivery of the first born

Is actually after the second twin due to the hour of the morn.

Little Ankles

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The hidden mouse hole in the vent under the bed was just large enough

His eyes glittered in the dark while he slid through as it wasn’t rough

The storage box on the floor provided cover and a good point of view

For the mouse that was recently by there looking for something to chew

The bed springs above creaked and and he heard a small voice call for Mother

Alert, quietly sniffing the air, waiting for a mouse or something other

The door swung open with a cheery voice and the rustle of a house coat

The bunny slippers looked so real. “Maybe I could strike quickly at the throat.”

But the long legs in the rabbits would be a challenge and hard to digest

Thinking better of an attack,he put down his head and continued to rest.

Then above him, he sensed motion, a smaller movement then the one in the door

The springs bounced with a cheerful noise and the little ankles landed on the floor

Only these feet were small and delicate as were the legs, a definite possibility

“Something that small would fill my void and is well within my capability.”

The young voice asked. “Mommy after drinking my milk can I go out to play?”

This conversation happening only inches from where the big reptile lay.

Then a smooch sound a giggle and the little ankles were lifted away

With his tongue flicking, the long vigil resumed waiting on his prey

“Honey, what is this?” the young mother asked looking looking at the vacuum can

She was looking at several oblong objects each looking like half a pecan

“Why on earth,” the husband asked. “Are you sorting through the vacuum and dust pan?”

“I’ve been finding these under the bed and behind the settee.”

The young mother continued. “They look like droppings of mouse poo to me.”

The husband took note and noticed the shape and mumbled he might agree

“Okay,” he said. “We’ll find us a good exterminator man.”

“One that will come out just once and not try to sell us a long term plan.”

“You might have a problem a little bigger than mice.”

The uniformed man spoke to the mother while holding a trap device.

“I’ll put a few of these out and head down to your crawl space.”

“Not to alarm but I’ll carry my bag and snake hook just in case.”

He took a while under the house, she could him cough and wheeze

He then appeared with cob webs in his hair and dirt on his knees

He held one long snake skin in his hand that draped to the floor

“This is all I found I didn’t find anything more.”

“The snake might have moved on looking for something to eat.”

“When they don’t have a reason to stay they have a tendency to retreat.”

“So you mean it’s gone?” Asked the woman in a voice tinged with fear.

She demanded, “I want it gone or killed and none anywhere near.”

“I think it’s gone I can’t tell for sure, but I’ll seal the cracks so it can’t get in.”

“That should be the last of him and I will dispose of this skin.”

“But I’ll tell you a secret that you may have thought out.”

“Most homes unless really closed up have a snake or two without a doubt.”

So he caulked up the cracks on the outside and all along the baseboard

Anyplace around the house the slithering animal might have explored

“I’m sure that’s got it ma’am your house is now tight as a tick.”

“If any small cracks develop a shot of silicone sealer should do the trick.”

The young mother paid for the service, relieved the work was complete

And to not have to worry about what was crawling near their feet

That night after putting her daughter to bed and turning out the light

She didn’t notice the lump under the stuffed bear looked not quite right

Under the happy bluebird sheets the lump started to uncoil

The sheets were tucked in very tightly causing him to toil

Tonight the little ankles were his, where he had hidden still and unseen

As the little feet came into view, he wanted to wish all Happy Halloween.

The Politically Correct BBQ Boy

“Hello Sir and welcome to the The Porkalooza Pit House.”

“And what can I get for you and your spouse?”

The young man looked all fancy and neat in his white shirt and paper hat

Little did he knew he had crossed the new kind of American always ready for a spat

“And what makes you think this is my wife,” the customer snapped.

The startled young man glanced up, feeling he had just been trapped

The surprised look was all the customer needed to turn up the heat

And in just a matter of time he knew he’d have some new material to tweet

“Because of your obvious lack of training let me enlighten you on a thing or two,

And then you might know something other than how to make stew,”

“This is a different world sonny,” said the customer. “People now are easy to offend

“You’re probably making eight bucks an hour and on a road to a dead end.”

“It also bothers me you have an American flag flying out front on the pole.”

“Why not flags of other nations?” he snarled feeling as he was on a roll.

“Sir if I may,” asked the server. “Could you place your order please?”

“No, it doesn’t please,” mimicked the man staring at the chalk board.

“Give me two of the number twos,” said the man in an effort to sound bored.

“Is this it for the menu or is number two the specialty of this greasy spoon?

And hopefully to whatever diseases are jumping off the plate I’ll be immune.”

“Two number twos coming right up,” said the server. “For here or to go?”

“Well to go now,” growled the customer. “Because you’ve been nothing but slow.”

“I see your restrooms are closed for repair, so we are now reduced to using the Port a Can?”

“For my partner to use, it better have paper, smell fresh and be spic and span”

“While we’re waiting I suppose this alleged food comes from an environmentally unsafe farm.”

“You park a lot of hogs together and the surrounding area suffers great harm.”

“And what if I was a Muslim? Would you still offer meat from an animal with cloven hoof.”

The customer was now raising his voice sounding indignant and aloof.

“Well,” replied the server.” “We don’t get a lot of Muslims here.”

“The last one in was just lost and needed to know which way to steer.”

“Are you being smart with me?” snapped the customer clearly annoyed.

“Keep that attitude up and I’ll see you’re unemployed.”

“Is this going to take all day? I’ve got an important meeting to attend.”

“I know that is hard for someone like you to comprehend.”

“You see I’m trying to help the underprivileged and poor.”

“It’s trying to defeat the elitist attitude of some I deplore.”

“You see the time has come for progressive thought in this land.”

“We’re standing up for the poor people and making the demand.”

“That those people in low income housing, working in jobs paying poor wages.”

“Will get better pay, better homes and health care exchanges”

“So speed it up there boy,  look alive, I’ve got to leave.”

“As dealing with incompetents like you is a pet peeve.”

“Let me check in the back,” said the server.”To see how long it will be,

Because making important people wait is not my cup of tea.”

Returning in just a couple of minutes the kid was almost beaming

“Alright here you go two number twos hot and steaming.”

Grabbing the bags the couple stormed out without a thanks

The young man laughed out loud at one of his better pranks

“Don’t come in to our place acting like such a louse,

Cause the sign out front might say Porkalooza Pit House.”

“But my dead end road stopped just inside the Port a Can.”

“Where the two number twos were scraped off the proverbial fan.”

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