This page was started mostly as a spoof of the continual contrived seriousness that exists in the world today. Too many people ready to jump down others’throats as someone else might not share their cause or beliefs. I may be contacted at: Skittyman1@gmail.com or twitter @KevinSkittyman1.
The auto call reminded me of the upcoming doctor’s appointment, to be 15 minutes early and bring all my medication
And judging by the patients in the waiting room one of the side effects of their medication had to be constipation
My Granny was a sweet woman with admirable baking skills but not a sack of pills
Sure she buttered her toast and fried her chicken but only had aspirin to cure her ills
A lot of today’s “diseases” hadn’t been invented such as high cholesterol and bone density
Granny never experienced a doctor’s lecture about thinning bones with the stare of cyborg intensity
She stayed active, tended her garden, cared for the grand kids and in winter was careful on ice
She spent her income wisely, used coupons as her purchases were always the lowest price
And she knew as she aged, she’d never be thirty again
But this is now and that was then
Grandpa smoked his Luckies, shaved every day and built shelves in his shed
He ate what Granny fixed, commented on the news and at 86 dropped dead
He never heard about high cholesterol, macular degeneration, osteoporosis or low T
Due to age occasionally claimed to be “stove up” but was only aware of his heart when he and the Parson would disagree
Perhaps our elderly were fortunate not to have their standard of living dictated by Big Pharma
They survived on their relationships with others, common sense and positive karma
They didn’t see a parade of specialists, given a pamphlet with perplexing statistics and be assigned a new high priced drug
But most of all never sat in a waiting room with two patients and five buttoned down Pharmaceutical reps all looking smug
We appreciate our many loyal listeners who have requested no Christmas music on this radio station
The constant jingle jangle of holiday themed melodies at every turn leads to unrelenting aggravation
To appease you our listeners we’ve created an alt station for both streaming and on the air at 99.8
These songs will tell a different story though the tunes may sound familiar they will morph into a song you won’t hate
Below is just a sample of what this new seasonal station will try to undertake
So kick back and turn it up when you feel you need a holiday break
There’s No Place Like Home For The Holidays: These days in this politically alienating time sometimes it’s hard being at home for the holiday
The song now goes we arrive at the last minute, gulp down the feast and be out the door and by the time angry Uncle Joe picks a fight we’re well down the road in our Hyundai
Little Drummer Boy: For political correctness sake, now the Little Drummer Person
Just what the new parents needed, after quieting those noisy lowing cattle, some kid pounding on a drum causing the infant child’s crying to worsen.
Baby It’s Cold Outside: An inappropriate song about using alcohol for sex
Now a song about surprise when Baby turns out to have male private parts and huge pecs
Do You Hear What I Hear: The first line of lyric is the same asking if you can hear
Only now the song is about an over bearing abusive husband hollering for more queso dip and beer
Deck The Halls: A song about decorating the house for the yuletide season
Now a song about appropriate ways to brighten the house so you won’t be charged for treason
I Saw Mama Kissing Santa Claus: Now changed to I Saw Mama Kissing Mrs. Claus
Since Mama was just outed this year it should be an interesting dinner with the in laws
Our goal is that by the end of the season our listeners will appreciate our endeavor
We feel that since the Christmas music starts now before Halloween our station is better late than never
It’s been three years now and the democrats still have their panties in a wad
Their frantic attempt to keep the republicans from reelection has Americans viewing them as odd
Forget about the USA’s problems of immigration, infrastructure or healthcare
Trump in office for another four years is unthinkable and cause for great despair
They’re at home plate down two strikes and hoping this impeachment process is not strike three
Rather than legislate they’ll build a case based on innuendo provided by their own designees
Words are being tossed around during the hearings that this Primer will help clarify
You’ll understand some of the language used by those hand picked partisans chosen to testify
Whistleblower: This is an individual who reports to a superior evidence of a crime
Like when we think that Donna Doright sent the home office pictures of Cathy Cleavage and General Manager Sammy Slime
Quid Pro Quo: Elitist speak for you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours
This how Cathy Cleavage went from temp to executive assistant behind closed doors
Impeachment: An effort to bring formal charges against a higher-up by questioning that individual’s honesty
That is why Sammy Slime now works third shift in his new career of broom management for being lusty
The fact is this whole impeachment seems contrived and overplayed
As the Senate won’t vote Trump out, this whole inquiry is now the Dems divisive crusade
However, this hearing does detour around their campaign promises made when elected
Just another delaying tactic as their constituents will continue to be neglected
For they know that to accomplish guarantees made for their election they’ll have to work across the aisle
So America can stand up to their armpits in alligators while the Dems hide behind this trial
About three thousand years ago a young woman was married to Israel’s king
A headstrong woman she didn’t appreciate the religion her new subjects seemed to cling
She set about to change all that by introducing her own beliefs for all to praise
She was now a woman of power and demanded all her subordinates to accept her mores
The new Priestess then set out to destroy all who opposed her
Unlike today, killing the opposition was fair so old beliefs did not recur
Her subjects lived in fear they and their ideology would be exposed by her tirades
As her Highness’s doctrines could possibly crumble the powerful Kingdom of Israel for decades
Fast forward 3000 years and now a powerful woman is out to instill her own values on a Nation
Elected to represent an area beset with multiple problems of immigration, homelessness and high taxation
She is determined to take down the person legally voted into office by the rules of the Constitution
Using any means possible through lies and innuendo supplied by shadowy figures, she’s hoping for prosecution
Since murder is now frowned upon except in a certain former presidential society
This lady would not consider wearing that crown of notoriety
If she and her sycophants before the upcoming election could take total control
She could turn the country into her private domain without a soul
She does feel the sweat of desperation creeping into her tired leak to the media style
Easily disproved statements and secret closed door meetings have replaced her previous guile
When the next election is over and she is forced to turn over her gavel
She and her party will see the plans for a new America unravel
Unlike the Jezebel days she can’t be thrown out the window to the hungry dogs below
But she will have to hit the road back to destitute California with her pack of toadies in tow
The flu season is upon us, over arched eyebrows the local news person is advising the shot
The stick is easier than trying to justify your illness at the clinic with “I forgot”
Just don’t celebrate the vaccination event at your favorite diner
Because germs congregate there to turn one into a nose dripping whiner
How is that possible it’s asked, the place always looks so clean
Oh there is an effort made, it’s not the plates, flatware or cuisine
But realize in the restroom a sign states employees must wash hands before returning to work
However after washing all that is offered is an ineffective blower making it easier to wipe hands on pants where the bad germs lurk
At your seat you’re handed a laminated menu that may have been wiped down once before stacking in the hostess’ rack
But the velcro sound made when turning the pages makes one wonder if the stickiness a disease waiting to attack
Deciding on the salad bar and half sandwich with fries you head to the bar
But the idea of grabbing the same serving tongs a stressed daycare worker and the twelve people before her is really quite bizarre
After the salad the food is delivered and you reach for the ketchup to slather on your fries
This is the same bottle handled by the pale looking kid with goop oozing out of his eyes
But you enjoy the meal and return to the job secure in the knowledge you’ve had the vaccine
A couple of hours later your stomach feels queasy and coworkers are remarking how you look a little green
Then it hits, suddenly your mouth waters and you head to the restroom at a fast trot
Over retching sounds while trying to maintain your dignity you question the value of the shot
The hospital room is illuminated only by the monitor when they appear
They sound like friendly people not presenting anything to fear
Their language though unidentifiable seems soft and inviting
The concept of meeting these new souls grows more exciting
They come only in darkness but doesn’t seem out of the ordinary at all
For the last three nights these visions invited me to join them while it’s business as usual in the hall
The familiar voices during the day were always hushed and conversation the same
“No change from yesterday; I think he knows we’re here; he’s so young what a shame”
Yet the direct sincere tone of the physicians let me know I’m not coming back
Life had been good, surrounded by beautiful faces for years until the heart attack
My days now consist of acceptance, needle sticks and a two minute visit by the floor nurse
I wish I could tell her to help the savable but as for me unplug and call the hearse
Tonight I’m joining my new friends and catch up with the loved ones that left long ago
Standing on now youthful legs, I step through the wall and to new and familiar faces I say “Hello”
Don’t Bogart that joint, pass it over to me
In the film Easy Rider the group Fraternity of Man did decree
One can picture Bogie cigarette dangling from his lips in a melancholy film noir
Slouching against a bar, dinner jacket and sleepy eyes fresh from the ingenue’s boudoir
Somehow the impact of the scene would lose effectiveness if Bogart disappeared in a water vapor mist
The movie world would never see when a kiss is just a kiss
Disguising itself as a way to kick tobacco the e-cig industry created a huge income craze
Appealing not only for the buzz but also the cool factor the ad business portrays
Ignore the fact the e-juice may have been assembled by a profiteer at his kitchen table
And to make it look legit slap on a counterfeit label
Today there are expensive devices that produce those euphoric vapors
Gone are the paranoid days at the mini mart buying the J ◊ B rolling papers
Just knowing the entire U.S . Intel community was outside hiding in the kudzu vines
With their sniper scopes trained on your back while peering through the Georgia pines
Many of the present day vaping products sold contain unregulated juice
Pretending lung damage happens to the other guy makes for a risky calculated excuse
Producing a current potential lesson on how to whistle as a walk away tease
“You know how to whistle don’t you? You just put your lips together and wheeze.”
William Shakespeare may have lived over four hundred years ago
Countless quotes he penned still apply today as he seemed to know
The media machine once an honorable profession laments we’re “in the winter of our discontent”
Their chosen candidate was not elected so now facts and figures we must invent
Their speaker is intent on rewriting the Constitution backed by professors and shrinks
While middle America states “The lady doth protest too much methinks”
Perhaps the speaker babbles on fearing the outspoken ignorance of AOC
Feeling her reins slipping away and maybe thinking “Get thee to a nunnery”
Grasping at straws she and her party should have heeded to “all that glitters is not gold”
While trying to wipe the egg off their face after the Mueller report was over sold
The whistle-blower is their new hope. Somebody had heard something much like the Mueller echos
As “misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows”
The committee chairman is all in anticipating this report doesn’t run aground
Proving once again “the empty vessel makes the loudest sound”
How could the voters given this brash outsider the master key
From his elitist perch thinking “Lord what fools these mortals be”
We’ve got to scheme to trip this ignoramus up as the 2020 election is looking grim
Preaching from his stump “Friends, Romans, countrymen lend me your ears, I have come bury Caesar not to praise him”
The democrats are surely shaking in their glass slippers. Their future and attempts to impeach are entwined
Time is not an ally considering “Love me or hate me both are in my favor. If you love me I’ll always be in your heart, if you hate me I’ll always be in your mind.”
Helping a child with their homework last week I was asked, “What is the capitol of Delaware?”
Drawing a complete blank I was concerned that my once sharp recall was not all there
After seeing commercials how an ingredient found in jellyfish can improve my brain
I decided to give it a try but the prices charged seemed a bit insane
So while at the beach, I found a dead jellyfish washed up on the shore
Though it smelled really fishy the price was certainly better than the supplement store
After brushing sand and a few fiddler crabs off the carcass I tossed it in an ice chest
I did lay a plastic bag over my beer so the cans would taste okay or so I guessed
Arriving home I unloaded the car and set the ice chest on the entrance mat
Within minutes the chest was covered with flies and being eyeballed by the mangy neighborhood cat
Undeterred I brushed off the flies shooed the cat and hosed off the gelatinous remains
Using my wife’s good pizza cutter I carefully sliced off strips avoiding what looked like blue veins
Firing up the grill I figured I could season the the strips with some pepper and barbecue rub
Hoping to produce some brain enhancing ocean fresh non expensive tasty grub
Eagerly anticipating the flavor my cast iron skillet slowly warmed to a medium high heat
I was hoping for possibly a new jerky both beneficial and delicious to eat
Using tongs I coated the strips with oil to keep from sticking and placed them on the grill
Thinking how I liked my secret fish taco recipe I also brushed on a little mustard and dill
What happened next caused Wizard of Oz flashbacks as the strips shriveled like the Wicked Witch’s shoes
They melted into a lava like gooey substance and a toxic smelling juice started to ooze
Sliding a spatula under one of the globs I pasted it on a cracker like hors d’oeurves
As the cracker reached my lips I experienced a flash of internet potential of all natural jellyfish preserves
Just like a kid with an Oreo I licked the bubbling blob to see what I created
Instantly my eyes watered, my throat constricted, and my tongue dilated
Chugging three now warm fishy tasting beers the noxious taste partially subsided
Scraping the skillet into the compost pile I realized my attempt at improving my brain was misguided
To think you can improve your recall by a creature that just floats with the tide
Is falling for an ad campaign based on age paranoia and being taken for a ride
