This page was started mostly as a spoof of the continual contrived seriousness that exists in the world today. Too many people ready to jump down others’throats as someone else might not share their cause or beliefs. I may be contacted at: Skittyman1@gmail.com or twitter @KevinSkittyman1.
As usual after countless attempts the help desk 24/7 phone line was still busy
The reports were due and the management staff was in a tizzy
Finally after losing precious minutes the monotone IT expert came on the line
The system kept locking on the merge screen as if by design
Hopefully this personality rich individual could figure the cause
Always under the notion the systems are perfect and the operator has flaws
Demeaning himself to speak to us peons his first suggestion was to reboot
Like explaining to a toddler he advised to locate the power switch, toggle, and you should compute
If only the world was so simple that one could flip the power switch
Just reach behind the box, a quick push and goodbye to the glitch
As in system software, like this world this isn’t always the case
There is no reset button as this virus disrupts the human race
A new set of rules has been hastily written and thrust on mankind
Daily routines, employment and relationships as we know it have been redefined
Granny is off limits, one can only work from home and little kids watch the outdoors through the window sills
While an anxious mother watches terrified that either she or them will start to have the chills
Also knowing she’ll have to explain the monster’s not under the bed but on their playmate’s hands
Hoping beyond belief there is some comprehension and the little one understands
When this vile plague is over perhaps a reboot is what this country needs
A time to look back and not stumble over the same misdeeds
Time to see the puppy’s delighted wiggle, the infant’s reach, the elder’s smile because you walked in the door
Forgiving the cry in the night, a minute of forgetfulness, or the accident on the floor
To continue dwelling in the negatives of the past only wounds the heart
Moreover thinking there is only one resolution that matters the world will continue to drift apart
He contracted the virus in the biology lab from a graduate assistant who had traveled abroad
He’d heard the news but in his ignorance the doomsayers with their catastrophic numbers just seemed flawed
At the semester’s end he gathered up four friends and headed for the Florida beaches for sun and fun
Other friends last year bragged about drinking fourteen cases of beer so they were out to prove they can’t be out done
His asymptomatic self now on the road for 1000 miles in close quarters with his friends
Drinking beer and sharing doobies at the end of finals is what his youthful wild side recommends
He stopped for gas while contaminating the pump handle and the candy rack from the Snickers bar he stuffed under his shirt
Saving more money for beer and making up time to catch the Saturday night beach concert
Arriving in Clearwater in early afternoon it was time to load up on beverages and hit the beach
The virus is spreading like wildfire but to him it’s party time and no time to listen to the newscasters preach
The girls were plentiful and many were willing to celebrate and share a good time
Besides everyone was there on their own free will and looking for fun, and that is not a crime
The gloved housekeeping staff were tasked with changing bed linens and towels
Trying not to touch their face while cleaning the sink and toilets after three days of drinking, bad eating and loose bowels
The five days were up before he knew it as the city denied access to the sand
So on the road again with a rolling stomach but satisfied, smug and tanned
Making a pit stop at a drug store and sorting through the antacids to quell that nauseous feeling
His friends demanded the break after eating two for a dollar roller grill hot dogs as they found his breath, burps and flatulence quite unappealing
Returning home he was forced to spend time with his family and grandparents since his college was closed
He wasn’t recovering from his trip that fast, feeling feverish, coughing and his opinion it was a sinus infection was misdiagnosed
He had just made a two thousand mile round trip with a contagious disease he had helped transmit
But it was a party and he wasn’t scared we get it, we all get it
Amidst the schools closing with little warning due to the virus threat
Parents trying to home school are finding subjects are easy to forget
Twenty years ago school seemed a breeze and the subjects taught were easy
Now a quick glance at the lessons on the laptop made the stomach queasy
The idea of passing the kids on to Granny wasn’t working either
Sure, she does have a phone and a laptop but has mastered neither
Her atlas still showed Yugoslavia and her dictionary can’t spell check
And Gramps is completely immersed in TV westerns as his brain has become a sputtering wreck
Now Mom’s working from home, reviewing tomorrow’s lessons and exactly what is a cosine
But just maybe now there is a chance to show what makes Mom shine
The kids can learn how to manage a day, budget the home and work the lesson plan
Maybe life’s lessons can be shown to be more than a soccer Mom in a minivan
The whining and the eye rolling are inevitable but one must comply with the law of the land
Parents can now experience a small dose of what teachers see first hand
So review the Magna Carta, split infinitives and flower stamens as tomorrow they’ll be yours to teach
This new responsibility will make the evening wine sweeter while you dream of the beach
I’m calling my doctor as these coronavirus alerts have become relentless. Blaring 24/7 on all my devices has left me in a fog
The auto message picks up immediately stating “Thank you for contacting Celestial Behavioral Health and the office of Dr. P.W. Fozziwog”
“If this is an emergency please hang up and dial 911 before becoming completely deranged
For all others please listen carefully as our menu has changed”
“Press one if you have become obsessed with rationing the squirts of sanitizer for your hands”
Friends and family are becoming concerned about your ever increasing posted list of demands
“Press two if you run from your children when they return from school”
To them having to strip in the garage while you’re ordering them to check their temperature just seems cruel
“Press three if you have dreams about being trapped under your collapsed mountain of hoarded toilet paper”
You wake up in a cold sweat with visions of the hazmat suited coroner prying you up with a paint scraper
“Press four if your parents have blocked their entryway with granny’s old English buffet”
When you unsuccessfully tried to leave the kids with them for a weekend stay
“Press five if due to sports withdrawal you were escorted from the local Putt Putt for starting a brawl”
By yelling obscenities about missed putts at the man with the blue ball
“Press six if you need the menu retold
Or stay on the line so a real person will put you on hold”
Hello Folks and welcome to the first democratic rap off
But safety first people use elbow bumps to greet and masks if you cough
Our contestants tonight are Lil Havana Bernie and Wooden Nickels Joe
We think by the time this evening is through you’ll be treated to quite the show
By using the best of three coin toss to make sure Wooden Nickels went last Lil Havana will go first
And since Donna Brazile is not backstage this rap is completely unrehearsed
We would ask the audience to refrain from heckling and may the best rapper win
So now with no further delay Lil Havana you may begin
Skritcha skritcha skritcha
“Yo peeps listen here I be here again
We gonna take down CEO’s and rich oilmen
And when those rich whiteys are gone
You gonna know which side of da toast da butter be on
Your healthcare and college be free and we be tearing down da wall
Socialism is king and capitalism will fall
All will be treated alike citizens or not
Everyone gonna get three squares and a cot
Castro da man made Kooba a better place
By following my hero we can shove our govment in Trump’s fat face
So dat’s my rap, Reverend Jackson is on my side to capcha his brothas’ vote
And come November we can all stand with raised fists and gloat
So come out and vote for me to give me da inside track
I mean this as I be serious as a heart attack”
Boom cha cha Boom cha cha
“My name is Biden and I be running for prez in a big way
I can’t member nuttin or so dey say
I be like one of the Royal family with da ol lady Queen
I feel like Prince Charles and should be making the scene
Me and Brotha Obama once be tight
And if he’d endorse me the future be bright
If he don’t I be draggin out da heavy artillery
I be naming my running mate as Hilary
In no time flat she be committing me to da rubber room
So her delayed Presidency she can resume
We gonna take your guns but don’t be alarmed
Our new gangsta immigrants will see no one’s harmed
Also we be gonna oh crap I forgot this verse
I can’t remember like I usta and my thoughts go from bad to worse
So instead of rapping I be striking a pose and do a dab
And I’ll fondle my crotch if someone be telling which side of my Depends to grab
I grabbed the wrong side in Cleveland
And the scramble for the exits got out of hand
So vote for me in November as I be da man to beat
And in November we can hand those Democ…er Republicans a defeat”
“Kevin are you glad that you’ve gotten to leave the classroom and come spend time with me?
And if we can break your pronunciation problem with the r’s it will be time well spent. Don’t you agree?”
“So you just sit there and we’ll work on your speech. What color is my purse?”
“Ma’am, your perse is wed.” Knowing my r just went from bad to worse
“No Kevin, the purse is red, rrrr red. Can you repeat that?”
“Yes ma’am, rrrr wed.” More words the kids can poke fun at
Wats!
“Okay Kevin, we’ll try again. How many apples are on the stand?”
“Ma’am it looks like thwee.” Wanting to bury my head in the sand
Wats! Wats!
“Kevin it’s three, thrrrree. Can you repeat it?”
“Yes ma’am, thwee.” As frustration reached the point of throwing a fit
“No Kevin, it’s thrrrree. Repeat it one more time.”
“Thwee.” Just knowing I’m sounding like I’m committing a crime
Cwap!
“Kevin let’s take a minute and watch the yard man cutting grass through the window screen. What color is the grass?”
“Ma’am, he’s cutting gween gwass.”
Cwap! Cwap!
“Okay Kevin, I see our twenty minutes are up and your class is outside for recess. Do you know when our next session is before you go out to play?”
“Yes ma’am it’s thwee o’clock on Fwiday.”
Fuck!
“Oh Kevin, it’s thrrrree o’clock on Frrrriday. I guess I’ve got another ten minutes to spare.
So you’ll stay here and repeat after me, and stop squirming in that chair.”
Books have been burned and banned through the ages
By people who feel they have a right to censor what is written on the pages
What follows are three books that were banned before Al Gore’s internet was invented
And before his wife’s blacklist of the music she found offensive should be prevented
The Grapes of Wrath
Published in 1939 Steinbeck’s novel describes the struggles of a destitute farming family for survival
Driven from Oklahoma by the crop killing dust storms the kinfolk load their meager possessions and head to California hoping for a better life on arrival
The hand bills posted promised a finer life with improved living conditions and plentiful jobs
The harsh reality after a brutal travel west the family and all like them were set upon by government mobs
Beaten and hounded, the destitute group found no solution to their trouble
Called Reds by the authorities fearing the spread of socialism, the families were forced to live in tents and burned out rubble
Fast forward 80 years and immigration caravans are marching to California only to find the Welcome sign had been removed
Though many managed to sneak in most found misery and their life not improved
The fear of socialism remains high as these new immigrants will surely vote for those promising all things free
Forcing America to lean to the left will then become a certainty
1984
Published in 1949 Orwell’s book was about the spread of communism forced on it’s citizens and businesses by the government or Big Brother
The countries’ people were regulated by telescreens in every room or approved media as the government spied on one another
The protagonist Winston Smith worked for the government as a fact changer
He changed data according to the government’s whims, and if not his life was in danger
In real time 1984 the McIntosh PC was introduced in a Super Bowl commercial with a nod to oddly enough Orwell’s 1984
The UK agreed to to transfer power from Hong Kong to communist China while Hong Kong could retain it’s capitalistic democracy for fifty more years more
A new virus had been identified, labeled as Aids continued its’ deadly march across the land
In 1949 ideas like government changing facts, controlling businesses and the spread of communism were good reasons to have the book banned
Fast forward 36 years from 1984 and a new virus is identified and another pandemic is on the loose
Consumers buy products and download software that spies on them by the profiles they produce
1984 was over three decades ago but what was written still prevails
The government both foreign and domestic does have the ability to control foolish people as they unwittingly leave their digital trails
To Kill A Mockingbird
Told through the young eyes of Scout Finch the novel deals with racial injustice in a small southern town
Published in 1960 Harper Lee’s book demonstrated the way white people used ingrained prejudices to keep the black people down
Evidenced by the rape trial of an impoverished white woman’s pitiful power play
The daughter of the incestuous town drunk tempted a black man and the drunk hiding behind Jim Crow could not let it lay
Banned by both whites and blacks alike for language, racial and sexual overtones the book was thrown out of many libraries and schools
There’s a certain unwritten order to peoples’ existence based on skin color and one must follow the rules
The Democratic party by the civil rights act of 1964 tossed the people of color a bone
But much like the man on trial in Harper Lee’s story, everyone knows who’s in power behind the throne
As much as things change the more they seem the same
The fact that people shield their eyes to hide from the truth is the real shame
Duh Nuh
The two note sound echoed off the ocean floor and resounded through the coral sending the alarm
The Bloomberg Shark (Stoppus friskus) eyes opened wide while hoping for no additional harm
The Bloomberg Shark from the BS family had been dropping many clams on his private campaign and became an easy target for a harpoon
He’s hoping not to be added to the ocean floor where the bodies of short lived candidates are strewn
Duh Nuh Duh Nuh Duh Nuh
The notes were stringing rapidly together meaning more hungry sharks were in the neighborhood
Carefully peering around the wreck of the the sunken ship The USS Society to see as far as he could
Surprisingly the noise seemed to be coming from another member of the BS family (Oldus geekus) the Biden Shark.
A former serious predator now reduced to bottom feeding as his campaign had not been a swim in the park
Relieved the Bloomberg Shark relaxed for a minute not worried about a vicious attack
Mostly toothless having to gum his prey he’s not capable of much more than talking smack
Duh nuh Duh nuh Duh nuh
Now the notes were coming from the port side of the wreck
And there he was another BS predator the Buttigieg Shark (Accompli nadas) swimming over the top of the poop deck
Accompanied by his husband a member of the blow fish group and full of his own sense of pride
This shark was hoping to shred the Bloomberg animal and in his favor turn the tide
The Bloomberg Shark was further startled when a pale white shadow appeared above the kelp
It was the shrieking opportunist Warren Shark (Taxus richus) taking bites out of all the sharks in the area hoping every tooth mark will help
Cruising past and making incoherent noise was the Bernie Shark (Freeus allus) the largest BS of all tailed by a huge group of adoring sardines hoping to be forgiven of all their debts
The naive little fish would be surprised to see what their vote really gets
Finally the voters of the South Carolina caucus will realize they’re gonna need a bigger boat
All this mayhem to harpoon the Great White Whale (Deplorus patriotus) with their vote
Hoping for new leadership to stir up the prevailing ocean sediment
To quote Moby Dick “It smells like the left wing of the day of judgment”
Growing up in the 50’s and 60’s TV commercials had a different tone
They were aired to catch your interest and not offend with what was shown
Who doesn’t remember the product sold when you hear “Mother please I’d rather do it myself” or “My bologna has a first name.”
But then along came a commercial that changed the whole ballgame
The advertisement showed two women walking in an idyllic setting on a sunrise beach discussing why one doesn’t feel “fresh” enough
“Pam” one says as the water laps over their feet. “Sometimes I think I smell pretty rough.”
To which Pam goes on to praise the new product she uses
She continues to rave about the ease of use and the sense of confidence the product produces
It seems it was a douche commercial that opened advertisers’ eyes
Suddenly the gloves were off and for any malady no matter how disturbing there was a product cure for a spokesperson to advise
So now the commercial world can be classified before douche and after douche or BD&AD
BD commercials were as always hard sell but without all the side effects hooey
However BD commercials’ catchphrases would probably have completely different connotations for AD products sold today
The “put a tiger in your tank’ slogan could be used to end erectile dysfunction dismay
And “I can’t believe I ate the whole thing ,” when the person is the size of a minivan
Would now be a commercial for a weight reduction plan
This new age of loathsome advertising might have been avoided when the original two women strolling along the sandy track
If in their conversation Pam had turned to her companion and said, “it’s not you it was that dead jellyfish we passed about 100 yards back
