This page was started mostly as a spoof of the continual contrived seriousness that exists in the world today. Too many people ready to jump down others’throats as someone else might not share their cause or beliefs. I may be contacted at: Skittyman1@gmail.com or twitter @KevinSkittyman1.
Helping a child with their homework last week I was asked, “What is the capitol of Delaware?”
Drawing a complete blank I was concerned that my once sharp recall was not all there
After seeing commercials how an ingredient found in jellyfish can improve my brain
I decided to give it a try but the prices charged seemed a bit insane
So while at the beach, I found a dead jellyfish washed up on the shore
Though it smelled really fishy the price was certainly better than the supplement store
After brushing sand and a few fiddler crabs off the carcass I tossed it in an ice chest
I did lay a plastic bag over my beer so the cans would taste okay or so I guessed
Arriving home I unloaded the car and set the ice chest on the entrance mat
Within minutes the chest was covered with flies and being eyeballed by the mangy neighborhood cat
Undeterred I brushed off the flies shooed the cat and hosed off the gelatinous remains
Using my wife’s good pizza cutter I carefully sliced off strips avoiding what looked like blue veins
Firing up the grill I figured I could season the the strips with some pepper and barbecue rub
Hoping to produce some brain enhancing ocean fresh non expensive tasty grub
Eagerly anticipating the flavor my cast iron skillet slowly warmed to a medium high heat
I was hoping for possibly a new jerky both beneficial and delicious to eat
Using tongs I coated the strips with oil to keep from sticking and placed them on the grill
Thinking how I liked my secret fish taco recipe I also brushed on a little mustard and dill
What happened next caused Wizard of Oz flashbacks as the strips shriveled like the Wicked Witch’s shoes
They melted into a lava like gooey substance and a toxic smelling juice started to ooze
Sliding a spatula under one of the globs I pasted it on a cracker like hors d’oeurves
As the cracker reached my lips I experienced a flash of internet potential of all natural jellyfish preserves
Just like a kid with an Oreo I licked the bubbling blob to see what I created
Instantly my eyes watered, my throat constricted, and my tongue dilated
Chugging three now warm fishy tasting beers the noxious taste partially subsided
Scraping the skillet into the compost pile I realized my attempt at improving my brain was misguided
To think you can improve your recall by a creature that just floats with the tide
Is falling for an ad campaign based on age paranoia and being taken for a ride
As the day grows longer and the nights go colder
The world deteriorates as we grow older
We’re going to be able to see in hindsight
What we’ve given up without a fight
At a time this country is being overtaken by the ungrateful masses
We think problems will disappear, viewed through our rose colored glasses
It’s easier to turn away and pretend to not see
Then to make a stand and not be considered PC
The mindless press and and media control the process of thought
Forget about common sense, forget about things taught
Plug your earbuds in and crank up that current pop tune
To the problems surrounding you just stay immune
Why worry over over the jobless, impoverished or the hungry
When you can call your buddy and complain about the game’s referee
Check out your cell phone to see the latest app
While the power people with their finger on the trigger begin to unwrap
When the great heathen masses begin to mobilize
As cities around the world start to vaporize
And containers of nerve gas become airborne
Who in this world will be left to mourn
Continue to hold the celebrities to the highest acclaim
Continue to worry about the point spread of the big game
It’s all about the newest toy and one upmanship
While third world children become experts at weapons field strip
So lock yourself away in your your loft apartment
Content in the knowledge that five dollar coffee is money well spent
While in the limited access countries they’re building bombs to radiate
And use their cell phones to pinpoint and annihilate
Consequently when fighting for your life against an enemy with no soul
Just remember it wasn’t supposed to happen according to the latest media poll
Hello Folks, I appreciate all of you coming out on this cold night
After watching the events of the past years, I know how to have the citizens unite
My slogan here after will be “Make America Reliant Again”
I’ll let the people know the country is there to serve them and not run by a conman
I’m announcing I’m running for President and this I guarantee
We will make America fair to all and the land of the stuff that’s free
Forget that nonsense about asking what you can do for your country
We’re giving everything free without any collusion or a FBI dossier
Here’s my agenda, I’ll lay it out for all to see
And I’m sure most of you out there will agree
First thing we’re gonna open the border and tear down that wall
We’ll welcome all unvetted people warts and all
Next all newcomers whether a resident or not we’ll give the right to vote
They can cast a ballot before their feet are dry from jumping off the boat
I’m convinced they’ll vote in large numbers for the one giving the most free stuff
That candidate will be me, I’ll happily supply all wants and whims for free, sure enough
We’ll let all people vote at sixteen, I mean they are old enough to drive and have a kid
Who am I to block a sophomore in high school ideas’ of government, God forbid
While I’m at it, I’m going to promote the legalization of pot
There’s nothing like an ocean of people who’d rather be high and with welfare not do squat
Because I’m pushing for a federal wage guarantee, security for those unwilling to to work
I mean why work if you don’t have too and look like a do gooder jerk
Also don’t ever worry about sickness as our healthcare for all will take care of you
Ignore the fact your doctor arrived from a third world nation being paddled by six lepers in a bamboo canoe
Finally to keep people like me in power the Electoral College is going away
We refuse to honor a process that keeps all states equal and ends like Hillary’s dismay
If my promises ring hollow and my thoughts of making America reliant you disregard
Just remember, for those that don’t follow me I’ll be happy to pull the racist card.
Wake up and good morning sweet girl, pretty granddaughter
I’m very sorry due to your gender you’ll be treated like a fish out of water
You see society is determining that just wanting to be a girl is reprehensible
The fact that wanting to play with dolls and wearing curls is not defensible
You’ll soon be initiated into what was once considered alternate lifestyles
The schools will educate, social media will preach and television enforces across all dials
You’ll be introduced into sports to compete against other kids
The sports will all be gender neutral as competing your own sex the law forbids
When you finally reach high school and can compete against all female teams
Unfortunately there’s always an opponent who’s six four with a beard or so it seems
Though she identifies as a female the fact she wears a jock seems a bit discerning
You see little girl it’s all part of your life you’ll be learning
Sex education will never be the same and neither will be home ec class
The school board terrified of reprisal wants no part of a vocal group’s lambastes
The gym teacher will no longer get by with an anatomy poster and a thirty minute videotape
The instructor now comes with a laundry list covering everything from disease to rape
Advising the merits of experimentation to satisfy a growing curiosity
And for the moment it’s okay to push aside your background of religiosity
The playground groups whisper about who’s done what and who is square
So when your moment comes are you willing to try on a double dog dare
The days of high school dances cruising the strip and making out in the back seat
Have been replaced with heterosexual hesitation and hoping that doesn’t end as a bad tweet
Just wanting to be a strong free thinking woman just doesn’t cut it anymore
To be independent is considered gauche. One must embrace an alt lifestyle for society to adore
It’s a pack mentality, keeping the group intact, intimidation by numbers
Ideas impressed in young minds creating fitful dreams while one slumbers
So little one enjoy your playtime, your tea parties and dressing in Mom’s attire
As soon confusion about yourself will arise from lectures advocated as the law requires
We’re live tonight and riding with Sgt. Al (Big Al) Jackson an officer assigned to Russian Patrol
The agency formed after collusion talks indicated Russian infiltrators needed to be kept under control.
The patrol’s job is to seek out Soviet non-citizens, arrest and book them and have them deported
I’m riding with Sgt. Jackson following leads that residents have reported
Big AL explained he came from a military family and had grown tired of seeing America going down the tubes
Besides chasing bad guys beats working in a office and spending the day peering over cubes
The radio suddenly came to life advising a suspicious person at the Circle K sandwich bar
The suspect was upset that that none of the advertised condiments were Beluga caviar.
Gone before we got there we were tipped that suspicious person might be at Charge Bucks Coffee shop
A customer observed a person sending bulk e-mails of voting misinformation from his laptop
The individual was also agitated the Barista couldn’t create a Lenin likeness in his cappuccino.
Quietly we rolled into the parking lot and stopped behind a vintage El Camino
Approaching the suspect we identified ourselves as a government agency
Laughing, he replied that our numbers were too small to topple this insurgency
Still amused even in handcuffs he advised to take a look at the Mueller investigation
Two years and money wasted and nothing even close to a presidential incrimination
“We work with our network of hackers creating likable bots that America accepts as friends through their gullibility
State something outlandish enough times and fiction becomes fact. A guaranteed inevitability”
So the day progressed, the next stop was a big box store where three hookers were nabbed in the health and beauty aids.
All were demanding diplomatic immunity in an eastern bloc accent while dressed plaid skirts and fake blond braids
The afternoon was spent interviewing green card violators trying to find a Russian connection from a potential deportee
Four hours later we were holding just one suspect who gave his name as Jesus del a Slobinski.
Later over beers, Big Al lamented. “You see it’s no longer a spy vs spy or Tom Cruise hanging on strings.”
“We spend our time waiting by the phone or seeing what new social media rumor tomorrow brings. “
“Yesterday’s detective work was easy. Tips were called in or you knocked on doors
Now we’re forced to follow up on rumors spread by a hacker six thousand miles away spreading lies like mushroom spores.”
The Russians are a dodge. The media is fueling the frenzy by writing their own unsubstantiated fabrications
The writer can read the hackers’ observations and instantly what was fiction is now face book proclamations.
Which is why we’re picking up eastern bloc amateur hookers and a caravan lightweight.
While the real criminal is on the other side of the world spreading gossip for shallow minds to infiltrate”
The work day was over and the light on my monitor dimmed then flickered out
Traffic warnings had already been issued so getting home would require a different route
Having driven this detour before I knew it wasn’t a speed shot but at least the traffic moved
Better than a bumper to bumper standstill and the music stream rhythm had my mood improved
Suddenly two cars ahead, a SUV rear ended an ancient Buick with no tag or tail lights
The SUV owner was shaking his finger while the Buick owner was yelling,“he knew his rights.”
With no place to turn around I pulled into a lot advertising Madam Janine Psychic and Future Seer
With a good forty five minutes to kill before traffic cleared I parked behind a large cedar.
The entrance was partially obscured as I went up the stairs I noticed a candle in the window sill
Entering the room I realized all the cash I had were four twenties and a hundred dollar bill
An old woman appeared and motioned to an old yellow sofa, “ We reserve that one for our guests.”
“It’s sixty dollars for the reading. We take Visa and Master Card but not American Express.”
Bony fingers snatched the bills I held out and they disappeared under a faded and torn sweater
Uneasiness was creeping in but the smell of something vaguely familiar made me feel better
“You may enter,” said a voice through the beaded curtain separating the adjoining room
Pushing the beads aside, I saw Madam Janine gazing at me dressed in her gypsy costume
Her head scarf pulled low to her eye brows and a flamboyant shawl wrapped around her shoulders
Two cats were asleep on the mantle, in the fireplace the embers from a fire still smolders.
Motioning to sit in a wooden chair beside her, she set a deck of cards on a place mat of felt
I realized that my future was to be told by how the cards were dealt
“How may I assist you in your travels through life?” asked Madam Janine.
“I can help you with your current problems and those in the future now unseen.”
“Madam, I’m not interested in the past, just what’s on the horizon for the next couple of years.”
“You see my broker has been all over the board and I’m asking for help to quell my fiscal fears.”
Nimble fingers dealt one card and then three all face down next to the first card
Staring at the cards her request to contact the spiritual world caught me off guard
Taking my hands she rolled her eyes skyward and chanted, “Mader Scad Hogits.”
The chant didn’t bother me but the spark generated by taking my hands scared me out of my wits
The chant had at once sounded both eerie and like something I’d heard before
Though I couldn’t place the verse, I had a gnawing feeling that was hard to ignore
Flipping the first card it revealed a character labeled The Fool facing away from me
“A reversal of The Fool,” stated Janine. “Not a good sign for investments or salary.”
With no explanation she flipped the second card and up came the unsmiling Queen of Swords
Not reversed but according to Janine only if you agreed with the queen would you gain monetary rewards
The third card was flipped to reveal the Ten of Swords, not a good card at all in terms of money
The fact this card symbolized no achievement, only failure and misfortune was not funny.
Staring at he cards, I was sure of the hocus pocus but it seemed the cards were trying to transform
Perhaps the incense smoke was causing a dizziness but the card figures were beginning to deform
I looked again at the cards and the figures morphed into national politicians and then instantly blurred
“Mader Scad Hogits,” loudly chanted Janine. “A better reading I would have preferred.”
“I’ve asked again this last card show a way to better your investment expectation.”
When the fourth and final card revealed the Seven of Wands, I noticed Janine’s jubilation.
“This card succeeds when being attacked from all sides and constantly regains control”
“So by the years end your investments will be good and financial hardship will not take its toll”
Thanking Madam Janine while walking out the door, I noticed that familiar smell
“Are you having bacon tonight?” I asked as the recognizable aroma in my brain began to jell
“Why no sweetie, “ stuttered Janine as I started down the stairs
Glancing in her car window I saw on the console a yellow pin that someone in uniform wears
Suddenly it all became clear, the whole Madam Janine charade much to my chagrin
The Mader Scad Hogits, the bacon smell, sweetie and the uniform pin
Madam Janine was Louise who worked in a Waffle House and read Tarot cards when time permits
Whether it’s fortunes told or eggs and hash browns, whatever the client asks for is what he gets
The mysterious chant meant two eggs scrambled hold the grits. I left the parking lot and turned to the right
My investments were safe as stated by Janine and I had a good laugh as I drove into the night.
Time was in the 1950’s and 60’s TV westerns ruled the prime time airwaves
Family interaction, life lessons learned and good verses evil were what America craves
Shows crowded the evening line up with admirable people defending what is theirs
Against the likes of droughts, intruders and a gunman’s icy stares
Everything had order, good guys wore white hats and women apron strings
In the end blissful couples rode into the sunset while the bad guy swings
Times have changed, entertainment must toe the mark of politically correct
The shows must appease all factions of the population or a group will vehemently object
Let’s look at what three shows were like then and how they might appear now
Back when broadcasts were for entertainment not today’s attitude of holier than thou
Bonanza: A sprawling saga of a widower and his three sons laying claim to a quarter of Nevada
They controlled the mining, logging and cattle trade pretty much the whole enchilada
Patriarch Ben would squire all eligible ladies with charm and an occasional mimosa
Until he took them out on a buggy ride to show them his huge Ponderosa
Adam, the eldest was aloof cultured and educated with a law degree
He hoped for grassroots support and to run for office as a governor nominee
Hoss the middle son was huge and cuddly but could give bad guys a serious “lickin”
But the Chinese cook Hop Sing stayed furious at him for eating all the “flied” chicken
Little Joe the youngest was quick with fists and gun while chasing anything in a skirt
But marry just one and a crazed animal stampede would stomp her into the dirt
Bonanza 2019: Not the same show as the the characters have been updated and modernized
The politically correct scripts are now written so the clan appears duly propagandized
Ben: Now an old white guy mostly a front porch sitter with a cane and fly swatter
After a newsprint article revealed him advising a woman in lieu of rent how to remain a squatter
Adam: After a failed attempt at public office opened a store for payday loans
In addition to the Ponderosa most of the titles to the surrounding ranches he now owns
Hoss: Tired of years of back breaking farm work and shoveling horse manure
He decided to open a chain of dining establishments and has become quite the entrepreneur
Joselito: Now in show business working as a cross dressing saloon singer known as the Silk Tornado
Adored by throngs of rhinestone cowboys for his haunting rendition of “The Streets of Laredo”
The Rifleman: A dirt farmer scratching out a living with his son and a modified rapid fire rifle
Soon the bad guys in the area found that this was a man not to trifle
He was Lucas Boy to the sheriff and helped him out of many scrapes
Such as gold heists, wanted gunslingers and jail house escapes
Son Mark when in trouble knew all he had to do was holler “Paw Paw”
And Lucas would drill six slugs into the bad guy before he had a chance to draw
The Rifleman 2019: The townspeople weary of flying bullets and violence they could not condone
Banned the multi-shot rifle and and declared the town a gun free zone
Lucas reduced to hurling rocks and insults had enough and decided to retire
Works now part time in a carnival as a trick shot artist and his beloved rifle he still gets to fire
Now fifty seven Mark diagnosed as obsessive compulsive has not fared nearly as well
Weary of the constant yelling of Paw Paw the town folk locked him in a shed behind the hotel
The Lone Ranger: In most westerns women were notably absent or shown as saloon girls or school marms
Those seemed to be the only occupations available when they came in from the farms
The Lone Ranger had no women either just his faithful side kick Tonto
A native American he traveled with the mysterious lawman using a gun not a bow
Together they would strike fear into bad guys all over the west
Quick to dispense both wisdom and and bullets they were two of the best
The Lone Ranger 2019: Though the characters look the same, they’re portrayed in a different light
Oh they’ll search for truth and justice and give the bad guys a fight
Still dressed in tight light blue attire with a black mask and white cowboy hat
He fires silver bullets a souvenir for the undertaker after he lays the bad guy out flat
He rides a big white horse and a saddle adorned with inlaid decoration
And Tonto still says Kemosabe a lot and looks at him with admiration
Only now by the glow of the campfire after the light of the day
One might hear Tonto demanding more Kemosabe while the Lone Ranger cries Hi O Silver Awaaayyyy
Well since my baby parked me
I’ve got a new place to dwell
It’s down at the end of Lonely Street
At Memory Care Hotel
Though the brochure seemed cheery
It’s fifty five grand a room
Warehoused dejected elderly
Try to smile through their gloom
You’ve made me so lonely baby
I get so lonely
Guess I’ll be lonely till I die
The food is to be Chef quality
But cold dinners out of a can
Can break a person’s spirit
Saving expenses is the meal plan
The healthcare seems basic
A retired doctor checks your ills
While you waste away in bed
The night staff steals your pain pills
I’m sorry your mom had to die
And my health is failing
Now your idea of contact
Is an occasional call and e-mailing
You’ve made me so lonely baby
I get so lonely
Guess I’ll be lonely till I die
I suppose by now you all have seen the story of the happy elves in Santa’s workshop
Singing, dancing and tapping away all wearing their cute pointy elf hats on top
Did you ever stop for a minute about who cares for the fat man’s reindeer?
Somehow the elf H R crone assigned that job to me as my new career
I really don’t understand her notion that I’m the one who peed in her Wheaties
Maybe thinking that my sweet sugar plum bribe attempt added to her type II diabetes
Elf school is a cut throat competition as jobs are assigned from workshop to stable mucker
The brown nosing that goes on is enough to make portions of your anatomy pucker
So here I am in the busiest time of the year with my wheelbarrow and muck rake
Up to my boot tops in high octane poo and a massive whiskey induced headache
This time of year Santa brings barrels of steroid feed complete with a hazmat warning
Though the stuff is smoking when added to the ration, it keeps them flying from night to morning
Then the day after the great ride I’m charged with the responsibility and to go to any length
To nurse those worn out bug splattered prima donna reindeer back to their previous strength
Please don’t get me started on those crybabies with their belly-aching whiny personalities
Because with all the the yearly press they draw they think they’re A-list celebrities
First there is Donner, dumb as a brick but biggest by far assigned to be the team leader
But he’s always bleeting in that obnoxious nasal voice for more hay in his feeder
Next is Comet the fastest but without a special bit causes the sleigh to pull to the right
And being only slightly off course can cause entire countries to be missed while flying at night
Then the two divas Prancer and Dancer, be glad homes are playing music about mistletoe and holly
If the music were show tunes the neighborhood would awaken their bad rendition of Hello Dolly
In the harness next are the over sexed devious love birds Vixen and Cupid
Always sneaking out behind the spruces thinking we are blind and stupid
Santa still gets the Wichita parents’ stink eye because of the incident behind the toy sack
Observed by many, parents had to explain to their tykes the deer were playing piggyback
Lastly we come to Dasher and Blitzen both with bad attitudes and horrible goof offs
Their contribution to the team is trying to hog the feed as soon as it hits the troughs
Finally let me clear up one last enduring rumor, red nosed Rudolph doesn’t exist
I understand the statement is surprisingly harsh and people will no doubt be pissed
It all started years ago on takeoff Donner got his head stuck in some decorations
Once in the air there’s no turning back the radar is updated as Santa tags all the locations
Donner spent that entire night trying to shake a Christmas tree bulb out of his nose
An unsuspecting Santa was caught up in the myth and decided not to disclose
All the “had a very shiny nose” drivel sounds adorable in nursery school
And to state the truth publicly would be construed as callous and cruel
So I’m shining up the harness and bells getting ready for the big night
Just remember it’s me Pucki, who makes your days be “Merry and Bright.”
