This page was started mostly as a spoof of the continual contrived seriousness that exists in the world today. Too many people ready to jump down others’throats as someone else might not share their cause or beliefs. I may be contacted at: Skittyman1@gmail.com or twitter @KevinSkittyman1.
Hello folks, glad you tuned in. My name is Alex, your money protector
And I’m your late night burial on a budget funeral director
We know times are tough and with the price of funerals it’s easy to deduce
That ten thousand term life insurance policy will soon vamoose
There’s a multitude of tacked on costs involved with the actual service
But there’s no need to feel dejected, super anxious or extremely nervous
We can fill your needs, cut the superfluous add-ons to go with what is essential
And of course keep all details of the arrangements completely confidential
You’ve talked to the local mortuary personnel and though they seemed sincere
After explaining the extra charges the spiel sounded as if conducted by a livestock auctioneer
You see a funeral isn’t a simple stuff ’em, praise ’em and plant ’em situation
There are multiple choices to be made post haste in this time of devastation
We’re her to take you away from unnecessary costs in your time of need
Tell us what you can comfortably spend, put your mind to rest, as your budget we won’t exceed
If you’re financially strapped, with only the Social Security benefit of two fifty five
Just ask for the government burial special and that’s no jive
We’ll treat the remains right, you need not worry about a thing
We handle the documents, the casket and with our recorded boom box memorial angels sing
The ceremony is quick, efficient, easy on the pocketbook so all is good
The casket is sealed with caulk and made from genuine plywood
Our Econovan is shined and polished to transport the loved one to our own cemetery
And if pall bearers are in short supply, we have a jeep with a winch on stand by if necessary
If you prefer cremation we also offer special arrangements way below market price
Why pay thousands when our budget service will more than suffice
Finally we offer to those in economic hardship our bottom line no frills plan
For thirty nine ninety nine we handle business as only we can
The burial is in our compost pile with our twice yearly turnover guarantee
Our own fire pit is used for cremation to keep the details hassle free
The body is covered with remnants from our on site casket workshop
Two cans of lighter fluid are ceremoniously sprayed over the top
A few words of tribute from our blue tooth speaker the pyre is lit with a keepsake lighter
A souvenir to save in these difficult time to make things brighter
So give us a call when times are trying and money is tight
Dealing with death is bad enough but cleaning your savings out shouldn’t add to the fright
We are here to bury baseball not to praise it, the end came hard and fast.
It was determined the pace of play caused the game to breathe it’s last.
But the efforts to accelerate play wound up slowing the contest down
“Live in the moment, “ the sports psychologist say. “Unsnap your gloves and fiddle around.”
“Think about the pitch, achieve proper launch angle, swing through your predetermined zone”
And as strike three sails past you can blame the ump for calls blown.
Oops, time to change the pitcher, the starter has worked five innings and thrown eighty nine times
Sure he has a three hitter in play, but working the sixth would rank high in heinous crimes
Now we get that hallowed righty/lefty match up, much to the advertisers delight.
Two more pitching changes, twelve more commercials and this game goes to midnight.
Six more strikeouts, one home run and a bunt attempt call at first needs a review
Cut to the drug ad, beer ad and new car trash talk, and the fans are starting to boo.
The camera focuses on the backsides of three fat umps standing in a group
One has a head set, one stares at the booth and one looks into space like a nincompoop
The days of Sparky Anderson in a rage and Earl Weaver nose to nose are a youthful recollection
That game could hinge on the ump’s eyeball call and the ensuing fracas might lead to ejection
But now the headset ump removes his earphones signals the call as ordained by New York
Sure he doesn’t have to wipe tobacco juice off his face, but now a conformist dork
The announcers as if on cue, are quick to point out this is for the benefit of all involved
No emotion, no dirt kicking, no offering of eye glasses, just a shrug by managers, situation resolved
The broadcasters can go back to killing their listeners with needless pointless stats
“This player hits better after two strikes against Latino pitchers with runners on base using black bats”
Whatever happened to swing at strikes, put the ball in play and hit it where it’s pitched.
Sadly that idea went the way of affordable tickets, two dollar hot dogs and was ditched
The game is now a stream of steroid enriched behemoths hitting two thirty swinging for the fences
Hit a couple of long balls by the fourth before the parade of arm weary relievers commences
The thrill of the teacher rolling in the TV and watching the World Series is gone
It’s a shame the playoffs are played in arctic chill till the wee hours of the dawn
Staying up late now means playing endless rounds of Doom on your Play Station
No father son talk of stolen bases, moving the runner, or pitching rotation
So Baseball go ahead, sell a colorless diluted product while giving players million dollar deals
When no one is buying into this lame excuse of the Grand Ole Pastime, see how that feels
It was the day before Thanksgiving and everyone was to gather at Granny’s
The kin folk would be elbow to elbow and packed in all the crannies
The banquet is a traditional pot luck buffet spread on a long oak sideboard
The plates and silverware are next to the crystal pitchers of drinks to be poured
The room would be sweltering as Grandpa would have a fire going and the yule logs ablaze
Everyone would be hugging, head rubbing and shedding the festive sweaters worn for the holidays
The work day had been hard, half the staff waited till after lunch then ducked out early
The phone had rung constantly, and the wait time for clients left them surly
But the long weekend was here with just one task that needs completing
My famous green bean casserole always received rave reviews by all who were eating
The recipe is from a soup can and not highly thought of in the world of cuisines
The process is is simple, a can of soup, french fried onions, a little milk and a can of green beans
The dish can be assembled now, baked in the morning and served for dinner
Carried in an insulated bag, the fifty mile trip means the food arrives hot and me a winner
Snapping on the light, opening the pantry with the neatly stacked cans and grasping at air
The realization of no green beans produced a startling scare
Last weeks guests had been served the last green beans covered with crisp bacon
But knowing the corner grocer would have a can left me unshaken
Back in barely creeping bumper to bumper holiday traffic left me muttering to myself
The ten minute trip lasted forty five only to find no green beans on the shelf
Also none at the bigger market four blocks farther, or the drug store, or the big box food mart
The fact I hadn’t checked my meager grocery inventory hadn’t been smart
Panic was setting in, the thought of a hot dish casserole had begun to dim
When Friendly Tom’s Gas and Go glowed in the headlights, perhaps pickings might not be so slim
Entering the store and glancing at the can goods, there it sat
In all its giant green glory and me grinning like a Cheshire cat
Triumphantly dropping the can on the check out counter and feeling good to be alive
Friendly Tom cocked his eye and casually stated, “fourteen ninety five.”
Sensing shock and anger, Tom calmly stated. “Take it or leave it.”
Instead of Black Friday, Tom has Price Gouge Wednesday for items hard to get
The ten minute trip had turned into a three hour ordeal with me getting fleeced
But I had my prized can and my specialty will arrive in time for the feast
Thanksgiving morning went well, the dish looked great and traffic a breeze until the detour
An RV rear ended a farm wagon, jackknifed blocking lanes and covering all with manure
Adding twenty miles and forty five minutes the short trip had become a speed limit run
Dashing up the steps,I hoped my disheveled look would be forgiven as the prodigal son
The family was holding dinner nodding sympathetically hoping my distress to console
As I placed my now cooled dish next to one over baked turkey and thirteen other green bean casseroles
It was Sunday, the paper’s heavy and the Classified section thick Bills are due, employment was needed and not a lot of room to cherry pick
Some new employment want ads might be a possible opportunity A new posting even shows a job hiring in a nearby community
Closer inspection reveals the job description might need translation Years of experience helped peruse the ads to avoid future frustration
Certain phrases hoist the red flags and should be discussed during the interview Notices always promises stability, excellent conditions and part of a progressive crew
However what is written and real life might be the difference of night and day A quick look at some of the phrases might eliminate frustration and paycheck dismay
Fast Paced Environment: Meaning you’re in over your head from day one As we have no training program you’ll work slavishly until deciding cut and run
Must be Flexible: We are short staffed, our place is a mess, you’d better be good with a broom Oh, and three days a week, be early as you’ll be mopping and scrubbing the restroom
Must be accurate: Pay attention to every detail, have positive attitude, and be highly organized Our manager is a nit picker, tattles to the boss for minor infractions, so you will be scrutinized
Huge Opportunity for Growth: We’re broke and have only twenty four dollars in our bank account An immediate need for you to land three huge clients within the week would be paramount
Must be a Team Player and able to Multitask: We are undisciplined and have no faith in our current staff You’ll fill in when a deadbeat doesn’t show up, you’ll do his job and yours, but first you need a polygraph
Salary Commensurate with Experience: This phrase means we’re not planning on paying the new employee squat You better be willing to work long hours for the minimum, if expecting more wear clothes that make you look hot.
Years of want ad followup has led me to these conclusions, the job just might not be as the ad appears So I’ll tell the unemployment lady I’m still out looking and have myself a few more beers.
Entry was easy, the unlocked window nudged up without much strain
Stalking slowly muffling claws on the hardwood, these people must be slain
Carol’s eyes snapped open, there was that rhythmic clicking sound again
The house is always quiet, then the soft rustle and movement in the den
Greg was out of town, another sales seminar and won’t be back until Friday
Cassie, her two year old asleep in her princess bed three steps down the hallway
In the faint light she glimpsed the dark shadow of some dog like beast
Her mind screaming, ‘it’s just an illusion, not a ghost of a brute long since deceased.”
Cracking open her door trying to quiet her pounding heart and shaking knees
She took a deep breath to regain composure hoping to see nothing causing her to freeze
The light swept down the hall revealing nothing. Then came that low soft growl
She thought she’d heard it before, like a warning from an animal on a prowl
Feeling the hair stand on her arms, she gently called Cassie’s name
“Cassie, oh please baby don’t be playing some kind of game”
Trying not to panic, Carol’s mind feverishly worked for this to make some sense
Maybe this is a dream started when that wolfish dog charged the fence
It was an early fall day, and the three of them had been on a walk around the block
When hateful Mr Guyler’s gargantuan mutt Simba had rattled the pickets and lock
After the dog had terrified the family, Greg started a petition to have Simba put down
Mr Guyler was outraged screaming at Greg, “just who was he to throw his weigh around?”
The court ruled in Greg’s favor that Simba was a nuisance and needed to be destroyed
A hysterical Mr Guyler was led away, the eyes of the jurors he tried to avoid
“You people don’t understand, “ bellowed Mr Guyler. “Simba was more than a stray”
“ He’ll be in your nightmares, your lives, your children’s lives, you’ll have hell to pay”
Now two months later the torment has started, two are children missing, only clues blood and glass
There are no additional traces, no weapon, no ransom note, no footprints in the grass
Mr Guyler proclaimed his innocence, his dog had been destroyed, he had nothing to add
Now it was just Carol to fend for her baby with a flashlight. The only weapon she had
“Dammit Greg your self righteous gun control rhetoric is not doing me any good now”
“We’ll have a discussion on this, we need to consider what kind of weapon you would allow”
Snapping on her light and pushing open Cassie’s door the beam revealed the glow of yellow eyes
Carol saw her baby was gone, a wail formed on her lips, in her mind the clarity of one who dies
The creature launched at Carol with unimaginable speed, fangs bared and a banshee shriek
She felt it’s claws hook her chest, her throat was torn away, her blood lapped by this ghoulish freak
Suddenly the monster lifted it’s head, sniffed the air, crashed through the window and was gone
The house was still again, the only noise was the tick of a clock and the sputter of sprinklers on the lawn
Back in the day when newspapers were current and TV offered clips from hours ago
We were able to believe what was reported based on belief in the media’s say so
If we saw it in print, on the screen, on ink and paper or from the anchor’s chair
You knew the facts were truthful as they offered up the who, what, why, when and where
In today’s society all has changed, the news is controlled by conglomerates chasing the buck
Integrity has been replaced with half truths, innuendo, and sensationalism run amok
The former journalism students were schooled to provide unbiased reporting
The news would be fair and balanced without personal opinions distorting
Now the channels need to provide instant updates on mundane subjects as breaking news
Quote anonymous sources, slant the facts, and find a new fall guy to abuse
No longer report on the journalism basics of who, what, why, when and where
Just be aware that your corporate employer is watching both you and the market share
So lets take a look at reporting in today’s world of the five W’s
In an attempt to capture the ratings it has become standard practice to play fast and loose.
Who: Collectively send the entire team out to destroy the Republicans and Donald Trump
The reporting industry is still smarting from the election and looking like a chump
Like battered boxers they’ve come out of their corners swinging for a knockout
Their heavyweight contender was a ten to one favorite and to have won in a rout
The corporate employers poured praise and money into their loser’s campaign
They failed to realize that the opposition spoke to silent voters in language considered plain
He traveled the whole country speaking clearly and won an election considered unwinnable
The fact that he won at all was a shock to all democratic boosters and a loss unthinkable
What: A strategy has emerged to take down this outside boisterous impostor
A call to arms has been issued to attack the administration and cause ill will to foster
Challenge every attempt at campaign promises creating illusions that nothing needs fixing
Paint that glorious skewed picture of the previous years to get people reminiscing
People are gullible, shallow and malleable as mass media is positive of that fact
Holler long and loud and everyone will be sure the election was rigged and the Russians hacked
Why: The why is easy, credibility has come into play as the wound is open and raw
The democrats are scrambling, their old guard torpedoed, they fear their last hurrah
GE, Disney, Viacom, Time Warner are upping their game to make logic appear antiquated
Their contributions now for naught, they must make conservatism appear contaminated
The white bread college professors are under the gun to spew venom from their insulated world
Between the academic lectures and media onslaught voters will follow, liberal banners unfurled
When: The rallying cry is now and into the future, new blood must be solicited and found
A new up and comer must be programmed on the liberal closed minded policies to expound
The media needs to regain control of the voters and brainwash with the drivel they sell
Done immediately the voters will fall in line and ignore the rat they might start to smell
Where: Everywhere one looks, on your phones, on your screens and in your newspapers.
Make sure it’s understood the world is probably going to end as quoted by the doomsayers
Be the lemmings march to the cliff and prepare to blindly follow where the media leads
Thinking is discouraged by the mass media, their propaganda promotes the ignorance on which it feeds
When in society was it decreed that one should love all of humanity
Has mankind decided to overrule human nature with this insanity
Evolution has seen to it that all living creatures are not going to get along
This behavior is for permanence and can’t be judged as right or wrong
To survive creatures attack and sometimes devour other critters
Demonstrating why many animals don’t have a single offspring but have litters
Numerous young won’t make maturity as their very life is a gamble
What’s lying in wait, an overhead shadow may mean death before the desperate scramble
Humans have long known this, they had a daily fight for their existence
Weak and slow they only survived through their persistence
They fought other families, tribes, predators and elements
Before discovering strength in numbers and formed protected settlements
Instinct was to distrust others on sight and of different behavior suspicious
To foolishly drop one’s guard could cause one to defend an act intended as malicious
Through the passage of time civilization has evolved but not much changed
People born into a certain group had their destiny prearranged
Their gender, race, religion, economic standing all factored into the final combination
If your birthright hit the right number of marks your life wouldn’t be one of exploitation
The civil rights of the 60’s fostered a change by government authority
No longer could a group be denied liberty if they were a minority
Brave people marched, sat-in and came together protesting their lack of rights
Facing water hoses, snarling dogs, and murderous riders of the knights
Minorities of all races, religions, and genders then became equal under the law
Gone were colored water fountains and side entrances to theaters’ balconies as government oversaw
Unsmiling, club swinging crew cut cops were ordered to show sensitivity
All races were subjected to a constant barrage of political messages touting objectivity
Bussing sent reluctant children to schools redistricted by well meaning planners
Looking for an instant acceptance, forced integration was figured to provide the answers
The draft and Vietnam helped produce understanding by sharing water, food, blood and grief
The effort to stay alive and return whole formed a bond among many albeit brief
As the war wound down and disappeared into the the rear view mirror
The government vision of integration and anti bigotry became a lot less clear
Peace time made for a re-dedication to the principle of money and getting ahead
There was not a lot of thought to humanity as the worship of the dollar became widespread
Groups that had like positions in society tended to seek the same neighborhoods
While the government regulations and decrees continued to sell the same bill of goods
Little did the controlling powers realize that the color of money changes everything
A feeling of accomplishment, a paycheck, a small vacation can put moods on an upswing
From board rooms to manufacturing jobs, people want a purpose and pride in life
A secure job not living week to week and a positive daily routine can ease the strife
As jobs disappeared overseas, service management and white collar jobs remained
Leaving a wide gap of workers to fill entry level and menial jobs for the untrained
Further training to acquire higher paying jobs meant an additional expense or to enlist
With no additional money to spend or four years taking orders the idea was dismissed
Even high school diplomas don’t advance workers in entry level jobs far or fast
Working forty hours a week to bring home a grand a month, the money doesn’t last
The man climbs on one’s back to grind him down and keep him there
There’s no fast money or reality television lifestyle just misery and despair
The social programs pay just as well as entry level, just a matter of manipulating forms
An over worked social worker probably won’t come around to see everyone conforms
It’s easier to collect government pay than washing the linen from countless hotel beds
Money is just as green and spends as well regardless if from an employer or the feds
Work ethic, family values and scholastic pursuit became a sign of weakness
Without a trade or education the want ads became an unfocused vision of bleakness
Pop culture celebrates an alternate lifestyle of violence and drugs at high decibels
Dangerous but rewarding the world is a lot simpler than toiling away with paper and pencils
Being baddest became a much sought after trait, people would treat one with respect
Gangs were formed and territories’ aligned, an area that the group must protect
Life has gone back in time to defend one own from outside forces
The leaders assigns his people their duties, rules are implemented that the group enforces
Any interference from the outside is meant with suspicion and should be shunned
Be ready to stand one’s ground, fight for your territory, and don’t be out gunned
Law enforcement is only around to enforce the government’s racist policies
The cops aren’t trusted, they’re just an arm of the man’s bureaucracies
If all else fails while protecting your turf or venting frustrations it’s easy to pull the r-card
Once labeled a racist an elected official will not be held in high regard
An easy way to keep enforcement from one’s business and control of one’s domain
So the politicians look the other way as it’s easier than having to explain
Why you’re not a racist, why the good policies failed, why people can’t escape
When birthright determines one’s standing, life becomes difficult to reshape
Playing the cards that were dealt is an easy a path to follow
But throwing one’s life away by the 20th birthday is a hard fact to swallow.
Not realizing until late that the thin line of opportunity is gone by forty five
Upward mobility is all but over and one is there only to survive
This is the House where GM products dwell
This is the juice
That was in the House where GM products dwell
This is the child
That drank the juice
That was in the house where GM products dwell
This is the tumor
That killed the child
That drank the juice
That was in the house where GM products dwell
This is the seed with labels defiled
That caused the tumor
That killed the child
That drank the juice
That was in the house where GM products dwell
This is the company salesperson with slanted facts compiled
That sold the seed with labels defiled
That caused the tumor
That killed the child
That drank the juice
That was in the house where GM products dwell
These are the shareholders hiding from law suits filed
Hiring company salespeople with slanted facts compiled
Who sold the seed with labels defiled
That caused the tumor
That killed the child
That drank the juice
That was in the house where GM products dwell
This is the seed company the knowledgeable public reviled
Bowing to the shareholders hiding from law suits filed
Hiring company salespeople with slanted facts compiled
Who sold the seed with labels defiled
That caused the tumor
That killed the child
That drank the juice
That was in the house where GM products dwell
This is the White House with campaign contributions stockpiled
Given by the seed company most often reviled
Bowing to the greedy shareholders hiding from lawsuits filed
Hiring company salespeople with slanted facts compiled
Who sold the seed with labels defiled
That caused the tumor
That killed the child
That drank the juice
That was in the house where GM products dwell
This is the once proud farmer now sowing contract GM corn
Watching the sun reflect off the headstone in the glow of early morn
He had signed the seed company’s indenture so there was no other recourse
If he attempted another seed product the GM lawyers would be there to enforce
Wishing he wasn’t planting seed developed as some lab’s brainchild
A broken man he barely functions, his grief can not be reconciled
