This page was started mostly as a spoof of the continual contrived seriousness that exists in the world today. Too many people ready to jump down others’throats as someone else might not share their cause or beliefs. I may be contacted at: Skittyman1@gmail.com or twitter @KevinSkittyman1.
Welcome to my house, my name is Meghan and I’m new to this neighborhood
I thought this Tupperware party might be a good way to meet everyone like a new resident should
I appreciate y’all parking around the U-Haul trailer and stepping over the string attached to the garden hose post
As the queen of this new house, today I’ll be serving as your host
We’re a small family and are really trying to adjust to the area
We yearn to live the quiet life away from all the hysteria
So please make yourself as comfortable as you can. The furniture just arrived from No Credit Rental
As soon as we can swing it, I’ll bring in newer furnishings so please don’t be too judgmental
I hope you brought your check book because I have some exciting items to show you
They’ll make your life easier in a lot of every day tasks you need to do
The first piece I’d like to show you is this heart shaped baking dish I use for Harry’s kidney pie
Presenting your partner with heart shaped food might just turn you into his “special” pie in the sky
Next I’d like to show you this handy divided dish that Harry uses for his fish and chips
Since his new job is an Uber driver, he has to eat on the run to not miss any tips
Finally I’d like to show this wonderful new casserole pan perfect for my recipe of bubble and squeak
I think my secret ingredients make it better, and there’s no in law here to critique
So feel free to look my samples over and thumb through the handy fliers
Hopefully that should turn you into happy neighbors and satisfied buyers
And as you leave, I’ll ask you again to be careful stepping over the string attached to the post for the garden hose
It leads all the way to Harry and is tied to the ring I have in his nose
The prosecution crowd was strutting in, it had been three long years
The man on trial wasn’t one of them, conjuring up their worst fears
In spite of their futile efforts, a new trade agreement was adding another achievement
“That’s not possible, he’s not good for the country.” They all cried boosting their bereavement
“But we finally got him, this ought to end his presidency.”
The fact the previous attempts at a coup bears no relevancy
Not caring their dog and pony show was beginning to look like a third world puppet regime
They were willing to give impeachment a shot so they could again reign supreme
The articles of impeachment were delivered by the trial managers marching across the Capitol looking like refugees from a PacMan game
Even though no one was home at the Senate the managers’ foolish parade appeared to produce no shame
The hand picked managers appeared to be a diverse group with two traits they all shared
The weasel, a Latino, two black people and a couple soon to be blue haired
The attributes in common are disdain for the American people and their hatred for the President
Taking this man down was their disturbed goal and not caring about the voters they represent
They’ve sharpened both their pencils and their teeth to grill the defense advocates
Hoping the same trial evidence and one new questionable witness won’t be found inadequate
Perhaps the trial after all does have the ability to anger the nation
When the citizens realize the proceedings preempt Days of Our Lives and are forced to watch reruns on the Super Station
Finally the moment I’ve been waiting for the wind has picked up and the weather reports forbidding
The roads might go slick with ice and could start cars skidding
The weather forecasters were in agreement, their highly touted high resolution radar does foresee
There’s a chance of sleet, slush or snow if the temperature varies by just a degree
I did what any red blooded male would do when a cold front was moving through
I checked my new SUV for gas and the fridge for an ample supply of cold brew
And to impress the little lady, I pulled around a ladder and swept out the gutters
I also checked the weather seals on the windows and oiled the hinges on the shutters
“I think you’re in overkill,” stated the little lady. “Especially with that big ladder you’ve been dragging.
Besides we shouldn’t have a worry with all the money you spent on that new station wagon.”
“It’s not a station wagon,” I snapped. “Show me a wagon with 355 horsepower and four wheel drive.”
“Whatever,” she countered. “Even without it we have plenty of Spam and would probably survive.”
“But what would happen if a medical emergency happened,” I said. “And someone went into labor?”
With all the eye rolling she could summon replied. “This is a retirement community name someone under 75 who is a neighbor.”
“Ah,” I responded. “You forgot about the mass stampede to the grocery store for milk and bread.”
“Well that would solve our problem,” she grumbled. “You’re lactose intolerant and I’m gluten free. We’d both be dead.”
The politicians are gathering at the Iowa Convention Center and telling the voters what they are worth
Pretending they have all the solutions, can save the country and are the salt of the earth
It appears the frontrunners are not spring chickens, their skin sags and their knees creak
They need glasses to read from a teleprompter so a foggy brain doesn’t cause them to misspeak
Most had to Google Iowa to find if an educated civilization exists and it’s geographical whereabouts
By using various browser searches they were able to determine needed information and the shortest in and out routes
The usual suspects were assembled minus a few that couldn’t generate much interest
Those missing came to the stunning conclusion that outside their circle of toadies there’s really no donating elitists
Most of the leading candidates had to use the handicapped entrance and each had a so equipped suite
The rooms were equipped with doors that opened only to the left and knee pads to continue their worship at Schumer and Pelosi’s feet
The Barbie and Ken of the feckless geriatric set, both crave power by running the House with an X in the center box
Causing Republican legislation to barely crawl as partisan votes are a unanimous bloc
Both the expressions of the Speaker and Minority Leader never change and are devoid of humor
Their faces are frozen as if out of hemorrhoid cream showing a constant grimace those of Pelosi and Schumer
The former Vice President Biden is in the Atrium claiming his vast experience will give Trump a scare
But first he needs to be near a twelve year old girl so he can smell her hair
Bernie Sanders is checking in next, a friend to all the struggling little people evidenced by the fact he can’t afford a comb
But also making sure he has a direct route out of Iowa to his nearest multi million dollar home
Since her beer chugging, kin to the Indians, and horrific healthcare costs didn’t work out there’s a new sound coming from Elizabeth Warren
Blasting her opposition and big business at every opportunity her open door policy on immigration now has her chameleon personality speaking Ecuadorian
So they’re here in Iowa to woo the caucus voters with all their rhetoric and bluster
While the middle of the road Iowans try to act engaged with all the civility they can muster
The auto call reminded me of the upcoming doctor’s appointment, to be 15 minutes early and bring all my medication
And judging by the patients in the waiting room one of the side effects of their medication had to be constipation
My Granny was a sweet woman with admirable baking skills but not a sack of pills
Sure she buttered her toast and fried her chicken but only had aspirin to cure her ills
A lot of today’s “diseases” hadn’t been invented such as high cholesterol and bone density
Granny never experienced a doctor’s lecture about thinning bones with the stare of cyborg intensity
She stayed active, tended her garden, cared for the grand kids and in winter was careful on ice
She spent her income wisely, used coupons as her purchases were always the lowest price
And she knew as she aged, she’d never be thirty again
But this is now and that was then
Grandpa smoked his Luckies, shaved every day and built shelves in his shed
He ate what Granny fixed, commented on the news and at 86 dropped dead
He never heard about high cholesterol, macular degeneration, osteoporosis or low T
Due to age occasionally claimed to be “stove up” but was only aware of his heart when he and the Parson would disagree
Perhaps our elderly were fortunate not to have their standard of living dictated by Big Pharma
They survived on their relationships with others, common sense and positive karma
They didn’t see a parade of specialists, given a pamphlet with perplexing statistics and be assigned a new high priced drug
But most of all never sat in a waiting room with two patients and five buttoned down Pharmaceutical reps all looking smug
We appreciate our many loyal listeners who have requested no Christmas music on this radio station
The constant jingle jangle of holiday themed melodies at every turn leads to unrelenting aggravation
To appease you our listeners we’ve created an alt station for both streaming and on the air at 99.8
These songs will tell a different story though the tunes may sound familiar they will morph into a song you won’t hate
Below is just a sample of what this new seasonal station will try to undertake
So kick back and turn it up when you feel you need a holiday break
There’s No Place Like Home For The Holidays: These days in this politically alienating time sometimes it’s hard being at home for the holiday
The song now goes we arrive at the last minute, gulp down the feast and be out the door and by the time angry Uncle Joe picks a fight we’re well down the road in our Hyundai
Little Drummer Boy: For political correctness sake, now the Little Drummer Person
Just what the new parents needed, after quieting those noisy lowing cattle, some kid pounding on a drum causing the infant child’s crying to worsen.
Baby It’s Cold Outside: An inappropriate song about using alcohol for sex
Now a song about surprise when Baby turns out to have male private parts and huge pecs
Do You Hear What I Hear: The first line of lyric is the same asking if you can hear
Only now the song is about an over bearing abusive husband hollering for more queso dip and beer
Deck The Halls: A song about decorating the house for the yuletide season
Now a song about appropriate ways to brighten the house so you won’t be charged for treason
I Saw Mama Kissing Santa Claus: Now changed to I Saw Mama Kissing Mrs. Claus
Since Mama was just outed this year it should be an interesting dinner with the in laws
Our goal is that by the end of the season our listeners will appreciate our endeavor
We feel that since the Christmas music starts now before Halloween our station is better late than never
It’s been three years now and the democrats still have their panties in a wad
Their frantic attempt to keep the republicans from reelection has Americans viewing them as odd
Forget about the USA’s problems of immigration, infrastructure or healthcare
Trump in office for another four years is unthinkable and cause for great despair
They’re at home plate down two strikes and hoping this impeachment process is not strike three
Rather than legislate they’ll build a case based on innuendo provided by their own designees
Words are being tossed around during the hearings that this Primer will help clarify
You’ll understand some of the language used by those hand picked partisans chosen to testify
Whistleblower: This is an individual who reports to a superior evidence of a crime
Like when we think that Donna Doright sent the home office pictures of Cathy Cleavage and General Manager Sammy Slime
Quid Pro Quo: Elitist speak for you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours
This how Cathy Cleavage went from temp to executive assistant behind closed doors
Impeachment: An effort to bring formal charges against a higher-up by questioning that individual’s honesty
That is why Sammy Slime now works third shift in his new career of broom management for being lusty
The fact is this whole impeachment seems contrived and overplayed
As the Senate won’t vote Trump out, this whole inquiry is now the Dems divisive crusade
However, this hearing does detour around their campaign promises made when elected
Just another delaying tactic as their constituents will continue to be neglected
For they know that to accomplish guarantees made for their election they’ll have to work across the aisle
So America can stand up to their armpits in alligators while the Dems hide behind this trial
About three thousand years ago a young woman was married to Israel’s king
A headstrong woman she didn’t appreciate the religion her new subjects seemed to cling
She set about to change all that by introducing her own beliefs for all to praise
She was now a woman of power and demanded all her subordinates to accept her mores
The new Priestess then set out to destroy all who opposed her
Unlike today, killing the opposition was fair so old beliefs did not recur
Her subjects lived in fear they and their ideology would be exposed by her tirades
As her Highness’s doctrines could possibly crumble the powerful Kingdom of Israel for decades
Fast forward 3000 years and now a powerful woman is out to instill her own values on a Nation
Elected to represent an area beset with multiple problems of immigration, homelessness and high taxation
She is determined to take down the person legally voted into office by the rules of the Constitution
Using any means possible through lies and innuendo supplied by shadowy figures, she’s hoping for prosecution
Since murder is now frowned upon except in a certain former presidential society
This lady would not consider wearing that crown of notoriety
If she and her sycophants before the upcoming election could take total control
She could turn the country into her private domain without a soul
She does feel the sweat of desperation creeping into her tired leak to the media style
Easily disproved statements and secret closed door meetings have replaced her previous guile
When the next election is over and she is forced to turn over her gavel
She and her party will see the plans for a new America unravel
Unlike the Jezebel days she can’t be thrown out the window to the hungry dogs below
But she will have to hit the road back to destitute California with her pack of toadies in tow
The flu season is upon us, over arched eyebrows the local news person is advising the shot
The stick is easier than trying to justify your illness at the clinic with “I forgot”
Just don’t celebrate the vaccination event at your favorite diner
Because germs congregate there to turn one into a nose dripping whiner
How is that possible it’s asked, the place always looks so clean
Oh there is an effort made, it’s not the plates, flatware or cuisine
But realize in the restroom a sign states employees must wash hands before returning to work
However after washing all that is offered is an ineffective blower making it easier to wipe hands on pants where the bad germs lurk
At your seat you’re handed a laminated menu that may have been wiped down once before stacking in the hostess’ rack
But the velcro sound made when turning the pages makes one wonder if the stickiness a disease waiting to attack
Deciding on the salad bar and half sandwich with fries you head to the bar
But the idea of grabbing the same serving tongs a stressed daycare worker and the twelve people before her is really quite bizarre
After the salad the food is delivered and you reach for the ketchup to slather on your fries
This is the same bottle handled by the pale looking kid with goop oozing out of his eyes
But you enjoy the meal and return to the job secure in the knowledge you’ve had the vaccine
A couple of hours later your stomach feels queasy and coworkers are remarking how you look a little green
Then it hits, suddenly your mouth waters and you head to the restroom at a fast trot
Over retching sounds while trying to maintain your dignity you question the value of the shot
