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An Observer of Life in Bad Poetry

Commentary on Daily Life, Politics and Sports

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abaddyslexicpoet

A 1976 UGA Grad. Grew up in Athens, GA. Many years in sales and customer service. Interests include outdoor activities, photography, and reading. Married for 41 years

Tik Tok America is on the Clock

It seems the video app Tik Tok has come under fire due to a security concern

As Communist China has access to all information gathered by Chinese owned apps at every turn

By using this fun little app the user is supplying email addresses and unknowingly contacts, IP addresses and current location

So while your children lip synch through their clever dance routine China continues with America’s predation

Information is power and American people offer their souls daily like a digital flag unfurled

Creating a vacuum being sucked up by a voracious enemy in what will become the United States’ netherworld

The American people need to remember the world wide plague was Chinese manufactured

What is the purpose of this virus? To leave the world economy fractured?

Or was it to see the American people elect a milquetoast leader they could manipulate

The new leader would have no vision and accept trade agreements that China would stipulate

Blame the current administration for the virus credited for every death short of traffic mishaps

And urge the left to resist all efforts as America tries to pull itself up by it’s bootstraps

China has always seemed willing to sacrifice a few citizens for world domination

And controlling the world through sickness could all be part of the communist narration

So watch the cute Tik Tok videos and feel free to offer up your personal information

Because for what is offered an unseen enemy while singing into a hairbrush there is no vaccination

0

When It’s Black On Black, Matter Lacks

IMG_3162 (2)Another day another shooting another young life ends in death

Onlookers peek from windows and doorways as a young child draws her last breath

Fifty years ago Elvis Presley sang about an angry young man who lays down in the street and dies

And as a crowd gathers round his mama cries

Fifty years later the cries of anguish are still heard

The murders are numerous, so many atrocities the crimes become blurred

Today the perfectly coiffed news reporter stands at the scene trying to emphasize society’s decay

But it’s just the daily shooting and the public has become blase

This wasn’t a white cop involved in the fatality

So the standard interview with the neighborhood leaders is just a formality

The protests, rioting and looting will have to wait for another time

Because this was a gang related random act and somehow that’s not as much of a crime

It’s a black thing, you people on the outside just don’t understand

So to combat this senseless violence the call is for the police to disband

We may not understand but we’re sickened by the pools of blood on the sidewalk

And the forensics teams drawing tiny victim’s outlines in chalk

Oh, the mayor will form a committee to study this area’s depravation

And will issue a stern warning to gang members in a wordy proclamation

Just as a another little casket is lowered into the ground under cloudy skies

As a silent group of mourners stand ashen faced while another mother cries

4

Sometimes I Feel Like my Butt Is Hanging Over the Pool At Gatorland

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For those that don’t know Gatorland is an old school Florida attraction

The main show involves a man leaning over a pool of hungry gators holding a chicken having faith in his reaction

The alligators come about five feet out of the water to snap up the whole fryer

The man on the platform is held in place by a thick leather strap should a body part the jaws acquire

Chomp

In today’s uncertain times I feel like it’s my butt hanging over the lagoon

Venture out for any purpose and the cancel culture is there to rip you apart and leave body parts strewn

Join the movement, protest and destruct while hiding behind Black Lives Matter

Or be labeled a white supremacist and the movement serves your head on a platter

You’re be required to love all as you would kinfolk

Anything different, mayhem and violence you’ll provoke

It’s of little consequence the person you’re to love is a callous lawbreaker

Unable to hold an entry level job, contributing nothing, paying no taxes, only a welfare taker

The elected pearl clutchers caved into the demands of the angry masses

They shouldn’t have been surprised by crowd size as it gave the unskilled a reason to get off their asses

The everyday workers will bear the brunt of the demands in huge tax increases

They’ve been grinding it out for thirty years now sadly watching as their golden years savings potential decreases

Chomp Chomp

Meanwhile the news media is having a field day with the pandemic updates

Warnings scroll across the screen as new hot spots spread across the states

The dubious expert first advises to not worry about wearing a mask

Two weeks later he’s changed his tune wear one now. So why now? You’re not allowed to ask

They’re the authority, their invented title and pompous attitude says so

And since the public are gullible sheep and unable to think they’ll talk real slow

Keeping a low profile is the order of the day

Shop quietly, tend to medical needs then stay at home out of harm’s way

With the mostly vacant streets the protesters are now free to congregate and make their stand

Waiting for the media’s arrival to mug for the cameras and list their demands

It’s a vicious circle to say the least creating a perfect storm

As one winds up feeling like he’s dangled over the water by the man on the platform

Chomp Chomp Chomp

0

Anyone Can Run

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It’s been another four years and time for a general election

And a genuine potpourri of candidates lined up to garner voters’ affection

Back in the day a candidate was groomed for office by his career

Trained in all aspects of the job such as the politician’s wolfish smile and to pad pockets of an electioneer

Though the same tired faces surface every four years

A new face will pop up to announce his candidacy egged on by his adoring peers

So let’s take a look at candidates both past and present to see who had their day in the sun

Showing the world the Presidency is an open election and anyone can run

First up is Bernie Sanders a popular socialist but kicked to the curb by his own party

The Democrats teamed up to make sure Hillary got the nod and to Bernie were not sorry

Hillary was their choice thought unbeatable until she opened her mouth

Her opinion on Benghazi and deplorable voters caused her campaign to head south

Then came Donald J., P.T. Barnum only wished he could equal Trump’s showman ability

Creating four years of obsessive crazed media and Democratic hostility

Fast forward four years and the Democrats have tapped basement dweller Joe Biden to lead the way

Desperately trying to keep Sleepy Joe hidden before another unscripted gaffe leads to voter dismay

This guy told a black radio audience that if you struggle to choose then “you ain’t black enough”

Plus in past years a record player and a social worker are needed to raise black kids leaving families in a huff

Bernie Sanders again tried a run but the Democrats had him find his place back on the curb

And essentially place a sign around his neck reading Do Not Disturb

This election’s newcomer is is rap star and record producer Kanye West

Trying to follow in Trump’s footsteps he plans on stealing votes from both parties to win the contest

Maybe I can help with a campaign slogan by using lyrics from his records I have browsed

Perhaps a jingle like “Something in your blouse got me feeling so aroused”

Or “Uh baby you’re makin’ it harder, better, faster, stronger” might be one to not sneeze at

But I figure that might be difficult to fit on a hat

2

With Liberty And Justice For All

When the Planet of the Apes was released in 1968 the end was intended to shock
The main character kneeling in the sand screaming at a toppled Lady Liberty unable to turn back the clock

He realized that mankind in its lawless warlike state had annihilated humanity
And to survive in this primal state was his and his country’s destiny

Currently financially backed violent groups are waging war on America’s mores and past
Hiding behind Black Lives Matter, the demands are many. Eliminate law and order, rewrite history and all who oppose are harassed

Every work force has good workers and only a few bad no one will deny
Unfortunately with police, keeping bad ones someone might die

This applies to people of color, all colors if level headed folks would read the stats
But the anarchists prefer to spew the hatred and venom at all citizens not wearing BLM hats

Evidenced by Hitler attempting to wipe out the Jewish people beginning with their history
The fact supposedly educated mayors of the cities under siege doing nothing remains a mystery

Staring straight into the liberal news cameras. “It’s all about slavery and police brutality,” they scream
To underscore their peaceful protests stores are looted and burned orchestrated by the New world Order regime

Rarely mentioned in the slavery uproar are the 350,000 union soldiers who died on the battlefield
These were simple men, shop keepers, mill workers and dirt farmers all fighting that slave ownership be repealed

As ambivalent politicians hide behind their golden parachutes and feel good canned speeches
Denying all racial criticisms pointed their way before leaving for their private beaches

So history is being destroyed, monuments pulled down and police forces defunded
But as ISIS found out in their attempt to destroy a regions’ history a superior force is required for their scheme to be blunted

Thus the circle continues, two forces are doomed to clash therefore the body count will rise
So while law abiding citizens sleep, the momentum behind the New World Order will attempt America’s demise

Hopefully we won’t be left kneeling in the sand screaming at a toppled memorial
Making a gleeful photo lead in for some liberal newspaper’s editorial

0

Goodbye Aunt Jemima, I Only Knew You As Good

Goodbye Aunt Jemima, I only knew you as good
Your label meant quality only now misunderstood

Those easily offended decided your image needed to be removed
A corporate decision to ingratiate your product in the black community and race relations are improved

Your icon a while back by a board room decision had been modernized
Your now dark skinned June Cleaver depiction again needs changing as self righteous indignation has the nation paralyzed

So we’ll package your superior quality and once proud product under a different label
Just so we can serve the same ingredients on the breakfast table

So when the new sterile packaging is complete
Your next step will be to take care of the chef on Cream of Wheat

And in the end when the expense of repackaging and distribution it will require
The tremendous cost will be passed on to the cost conscious food buyer

It won’t stop here product names will continually change lest a group be offended
Spineless corporations will inevitability bow to vocal groups as reality is suspended

Gone is Mia, the Land of Lakes maiden. “She was representing sex trafficking,” the offended would boast
That’s exactly what I thought of as I spread that delicious goodness on my toast

Next in line is that summer treat Eskimo Pie
Another example of good intentions gone awry

Most are not really sure how an ice cream on a stick can be that defamatory
However in certain circles the term Eskimo refers to raw meat eaters and that is considered inflammatory

And so it goes, pick a product and someone will be upset
Familiar product names will change over night due to some group’s threat

After brand names, will the outspoken groups go after produce?
There will be no stopping now, all will change, it’s easy to deduce

Grocers will be cautious of profiling not wanting to imply the black race could be associated with the term watermelon
So be prepared for the produce aisles to be advertising specials on aqua fruit before there’s a rebellion

0

So Now What?

 

A black man died on camera for the world to see
The brutal cop didn’t reach into his utility belt for a can of mercy

Using his badge for all the life and death authority he needed
He kneeled while three other heartless statues stood by as Mr. Floyd pleaded

The protesters assembled rapidly and grew enormous in dimension
They peacefully marched, waved signs and chanted loudly to show dissension

The numbers swelled in Minneapolis and many cities across the nation
Both protesters and law enforcement massed to hear the frustration as allowed by the Constitution

The media was in a frenzy, perhaps they could catch a violent act on memory card
Just maybe an enforcement person protecting property might push a protester whether by a cop or national guard

The delirious rush to film would be eye-opening by all the camera crews
Certainly a shove, a punch, or a tear gas canister would be the lead for the 6 o’clock news

Mayors and governors alike wrung their hands while praising the marchers simultaneously
Then a store front was caved in, a cop car burned and looting broke out spontaneously

Entire city blocks were torched while mayors ordered their troops to stand down
Protesting injustice now became a looting free for all as all businesses were fair game in the area’s uptown

The images burned into America’s minds were the mobs pouring out of stores with stolen brake pads and bottles of booze
Not because of injustice or frustration but because it’s lawless behavior they choose

So now there’s a movement to defund police forces because of poorly trained bigoted dunderheads
Piss poor biased cops and anarchic mobs are what true citizens and America dreads

Unfortunately for the work of sincere people wanting change, the violent perceptions remain
The objective of one group of people now has to combat the media footage seared into the country’s brain

1

Save The Last Dance For Me

The country is opening back up and the masks are coming off
People are acting as if everything is back to normal until they hear someone cough

Suddenly the tension can be cut with a knife as activity freezes
And glares of disapproval are directed at the individual that coughs or sneezes

But if the virus is spread through everyday interaction than that is acceptable
Unless of course unless your employment has you working around those most susceptible

People want to get out, to assume normalcy and to be part of a crowd
Emerging from government forced hibernation eager to participate in activities that are allowed

They want to attend concerts, eat at restaurants and socialize at bars
They want to return to yesterday and take back what is ours

Things once taken for granted are missed the most
It’s time to look forward and raise a glass in future toasts

Everyone expects a spike in virus cases or a second wave
The statistics show most recover with the exception of those with one foot in the grave

The population is more than ready to attend church, sporting events and to travel
To lift up the once strong economy that took only a month to unravel

They’re ready to smell the mustard of ball park hot dogs and taste the crispness of the cold beer
To feel the thunk of the landing gear at a vacation destination without virus fears

But as for me I believe I’ll stay home and inside a while longer
They say what doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger

I’m not ready to lay in bed with lungs intubated and gasping for breath
While relatives are hastily making last arrangements needed after death

So everyone can make their own decisions about being foot loose and fancy free
But I’ll continue to lay low and hope someone saves the last dance for me

0

Views From The Basement

The voice from the basement came through loud and clear
His speeches had been rehearsed and edited so on his video he’s normal it appears

But all around him his handlers seemed concerned about his next big gaffe
Causing his detractors to enjoy the moment and all have a big laugh

The virus happening at this point in time for the Democrats is very fortuitous
Hoping the stay at home orders are in place through November frustrating Americans and him being victorious

America’s buoyant economy and the man in charge were dealt a very lousy hand
The Dems in their perfect 20/20 hindsight state how prepared they’d have been to take command

Perhaps they could use as an example their highly successful cash for clunkers incentive
But one will never hear that from the media as that might prove insensitive

Viewing from his cellar through his periscope he wants to make 11 million undocumented people citizens
Guaranteeing the leftists stay in power for the foreseeable future supporting the New World Order visions

Taxes would be raised exponentially to support these new people as most small businesses were shuttered due to state mandates
The new poor would have to rely on the government for subsistence, all part of the devious plan of the candidate

When a vaccine is developed there will be orders issued to implant proof of procedure chips in all residents
Without regard to peoples’ privacy, to keep citizens under Big Brother’s thumb will become the new precedent.

So the dems are prepping a angry woman to assume the reins when the newly elected man is sent to Shady Acres Rest Home
Already rejected once by her own party she’ll show the world who’s in charge with an intense leftist retaliation syndrome

All this can be seen by the presidential candidate peering into the shaken world through his periscope
Using his impeccable hindsight to continually push his anti capitalistic taxation heavy envelope

0

Getting Used To It

The bills keep piling up higher but the pile of laundry has gotten smaller
I’m rationing my last six pack as my household budget is down to the last dollar

The stimulus check promised a month ago allegedly is in the mail
I’ve tried to log on the see when it is arriving but to no avail

The refrigerator is only cooling last night’s leftovers but the freezer is packed
The news media spreading the constant panic caused my spending to over react

I haven’t shaved in a week and my shower towel is still clean and dry
I’ve been in the same clothes since the first of the month since I’m not in the public’s eye

Besides if you’re not going anywhere the clothes you have on have not been infected
When my temperature was read during my few ventures out no high readings were detected

The pollen on the car has turned it yellow as it hasn’t been cranked in days
And the brittle wipers smeared my windshield into a filmy streaky haze

The price of going somewhere is cheaper as gas is less expensive than it has been for years
Since traveling is frowned on maybe it’s payback for all the former holiday price gouging profiteers

Doctors’ appointments were canceled and asked they be consulted over the telephone
So previously they were just going through the motions when the listened to the heartbeat, peeked in your ears or in your eyes a light they shone

However the grass is cut and multiple chores have been done around the house
Reading and internet searches have been accomplished all the while trying to stay off the nerves of my spouse

This is happening while the country slowly tries to open back up and lose some mandated restrictions
Experts everywhere are quick to second guess all decisions as a failure hoping they’re right just once in their predictions

2

This Time it won’t be Col. Mustard in the Library with a Candlestick

As America peers over its’ masks and tries to get back to business as usual
And the states and the US government argue over what is constitutional

The tired poor huddled masses are trying to determine what is safe and what is not
Should they stay at home or venture out and give the new world a shot

There are virtually no clues as to where the virus is lurking and where it is attached
The knowledge feverishly supplied by the current crop of experts demonstrates the surface has barely been scratched

You’ve used the drive thru at the fast food restaurant and so far so good
The food came home was removed from the packaging and everyone washed their hands as they should

Since no one is showing any symptoms maybe a trip to the gym is in order to burn off the quarantine pounds
The belt is out a couple of notches and the chip bags are empty so exercise could be as good as it sounds

Hopefully the person wiping down the equipment didn’t miss a spot with the disinfectant wipes
It would be easy to miss a small section while the attendant’s attention wanders as he swipes

America will probably have to live through a period of mental disorder
For instance staring and wondering at the masked and gloved waiters as they take your order

The virus could be anywhere and then again it might not be around
“Are you feeling lucky punk?” Quoting Dirty Harry just to spend a night on the town

The clues this time won’t be easy but rest assured it won’t be Mrs Peacock, Miss Scarlett or Professor Plum.
The virus might have originated on the ATM from an infected card reader that brushed your thumb

Or it might have come from the church lady who felt obligated to help even though she didn’t feel right
And rather than question her unsteadiness you worked along side to be polite

Or maybe it was Sam the butcher handing your change back while wrapping the two pounds of mutton
So instead of the game of Clue maybe we should be playing button, button whose got the button

For certain until the all clear whistle is blown we can make rules for the guessing game of Covid-19
At least until someone develops a safe effective and inexpensive vaccine

0

Noah Should’ve Washed His Elephants

Noah, obeying the word of God was assigned a huge task
He did what he was told, he didn’t bother to ask

He was to build a big boat 300 cubits long
Built of gopher wood it needed to be strong

After building the ark with a mallet, wooden pegs and and a saw
There shouldn’t be a problem when the animals arrived that he foresaw

Unfortunately as the animals marched up the ramp two by two
Noah didn’t have a bucket, a long handled brush and a couple gallons of flea shampoo

In his hurry to stock up on salamander food
And gather fresh saplings for the beavers that hadn’t been chewed

He let the elephants and other animals trudge on board with ticks and fleas
Noah didn’t have time for a bug check as he was preparing for forty days of sailing the seas

He had his shot to rid the world of those pests
But he had no control of what was on board and treated all like guests

While he was at it though a guardian at the door to control roaches, lice and mice
And a few less poisonous snakes would have been nice

0

Where’d All These Experts Come From?

They appear on camera, at a podium and on the air waves
Dishing out daily expertise while showing excavators digging mass graves

Two months ago no one knew these people to be a health authority
Suddenly, because the media says so their opinions now rule the silent majority

One of their goals is not the public health but to cause America to panic
It’s not hard to believe Government wants to control your lives when the media’s use of casualty numbers makes one frantic

“Stay at home the experts advise, wear a mask and wash your hands
Shut the work force down keep your distance do what what we say,” Big Brother commands

WHO has aligned with China and become a puppet for the Chinese to pull their strings
The two docs on Trump’s staff, one with a scarf and one on a phone book have Clinton ties whose praises they sing

Plunge America into despair and poverty while waiting on the meager government check
Lose your way of life or meeting with friends but hide in the closet as the bill collectors are breathing down your neck

But there is a savior on the horizon, Bill Gates is funding vaccines and financing with his Microsoft billions
This is the same man that forced his software on us civilians

Yes it’s that software that needs constant upgrades for Microsoft to support costing you major bucks
And the fact your system won’t run anything else really sucks

Not to mention the continuing hassles of achingly slow updates, frozen systems and IT issues
He’s planning on vaccinating the world while the mainstream media has you worried over toilet tissues

And Brother Bill’s open border policy will keep the contagious unvaccinated people rolling in
So everyone in contact will need the current vaccine upgrade or the virus paranoia will begin again

Big Pharma is clicking their heels, an untold fortune will be coming their way
The world will be required to have the vaccine series at $1000 a pop or there will be Hell to pay

Their story may change daily but there the experts are acting all confident and bold
But lets all remember, this is the same group of people that haven’t found a cure for the common cold

0

Gone with the Wave of a Wand

IMG_1120Keeping up with the Jones’ in the well heeled neighborhood was easy not so long ago

Money was blown that hadn’t yet been earned but borrowing and terms were easy so you could owe

Critical items were needed like ten dollar coffee stops and hair and nails done by appointment

Knowing you had to put off the new phone because the note was due on the luxury SUV was a disappointment

But there was food in the fridge and eating out three times a week seemed like money well spent

Still at the end of the month after all was paid you wonder where it all went

Then came the pandemic a disease that was supposed to happen in other countries but not here

Yet local businesses closed, the income flow ceased peeling away the comfortable veneer

Formally sociable people turned common sense into panic and panic into hoarders

The media and government had every citizen contagious and to slow the spread closed the borders

An ugly realization that bills were still due, the ATM show zero balance and credit cards were maxed

Hoping like crazy the mortgage company’s late fee policy would be relaxed

The news reporters were showing the daily casualty numbers and stores’ empty shelves

All advising the merits of staying at home while broadcasting remotely themselves

The pantry and refrigerator are now empty and the family just finished the last box of cereal

Suddenly poor and humble, the humiliation of asking for assistance seemed immaterial

With hair tucked under a scarf and chipped nails you inch along in the the food line watching the gas gauge point to low

Wishing you’d had fewer dinner parties with thirty dollar bottles of Merlot

This can’t be happening in America, it’s a birthright ticket to easy street

Not sitting in a sweltering line of cars hoping for a box of food so the family will be able to eat

0

Practicing Social Distance in a House of Ill Repute

SSSSphaaaplop, it was a sound I’d grown to despise as another loaf of spam hits the pan
I’d been sheltering in place, the urge was building, and I’d come up with a plan

Three weeks of stay at home left me anxious and stir crazy
I’d grown tired of of the complaints about watching reality TV and being lazy

I’ll show you lazy, tonight under the guise of boat hunting I’m going to Madam Cherie’s Fun House Emporium
That’ll make up for three weeks of close quarters and a married bliss moratorium

This area had very few Corona cases and not considered a hot zone
So when no one was looking I put on some spandex briefs and slapped on some cologne

Nothing appeared to have changed as I pulled around the house of clapboard
Parking under the same holly I followed the weathered sign that read All Aboard

Met at the dimly lit entrance by the now mask and glove wearing Seymour the greeter for many years
He told me I could go right in but there was a limit of ten customers due to virus fears

Cherie herself was working the transaction booth behind a new sneeze guard
She stated that due to the pandemic there was only one activity available and handed me the number five card

She said she had to let most of her staff go as her regulars stayed home and times were tough
She said Dixie and Peaches were the only escorts left but they really knew their stuff

So I sat in a stackable plastic chair that smelled of Lysol as the velour sofas had been taken out
My apprehension grew as the noise from the back grew louder and seemed to end in a horrified shout

Apprehension turned to panic when a disheveled number four stumbled out the door
He looked like he’d fought a mountain lion had lost and was shaken to his core

“You’re next,” said Cherie. As I entered the room there stood Dixie and Peaches holding a Slurpee cup and a Hoover
Peaches explained that in normal times the the six foot wand attachment was used as a cob web remover

She also explained that they only used one attachment with the wand but it had a soft bristle tip
Then they laid me back on an easy wipe stainless table covered with butcher paper and told me to unzip

Too frightened to argue I did as I was told and with a flip of a switch the vacuum was fired up
The wand quickly gobbled up Mr Happy my underwear and a bouquet from the washstand while Dixie made squishy sounds with the Slurpee cup

That sound was quickly drowned out by my screams of agony from the wand’s relentless extraction
“Enough,” I shouted terrified Mr Happy would spend the next six months in traction

Mumbling a thank you to Dixie and Peaches for flattening my curve I lumbered toward the exit sign
Positive that eating fried Spam at home for as long as it takes would be just fine.

4

Same Song Stranger Times

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Though these songs recorded years ago have withstood the test of time

A pandemic of epic proportion can change the meaning of the title on a dime

These songs weren’t written with a global virus in mind

But the title and today’s current conditions can now become entwined

When Ol’ Blue Eyes sang about “Strangers In The Night”

He wasn’t singing about masked neighbors keeping their distance on a sidewalk to be polite

And George The Possum Jones’ country hit “All My Friends Are Strangers”

He wasn’t advising that human contact could be a danger

Social distancing with Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton has come into play

”Distant Strangers” is now sound advice to not become virus prey

Social media is helpful in this abruptly perilous time

Barbara Lewis’ “Hello Stranger” is a greeting to combat any closeness crime

“Company Of Strangers” by Bad Company could be appropriate for the left coast

As California released prisoners to roam the streets looking for someone to be their host

Most of the American public can agree on “Strangers In A Strange Land” by Leon Russell

As the streets are empty, restaurants closed and no sound of city noise and bustle

Finally Billy Joel released The Stranger his critically acclaimed record

Because we Americans are suddenly strangers the album title strikes a dismal chord

Also included in the disc is the sadly prophetic track “Only The Good Die Young”

Unfortunately in today’s world this could become a funeral dirge by the way it’s sung

0

Bernie Gets Part Of His Wishes For Only $2000000000000.00

The election is still eight months away and not a vote has been cast
Against Mr. Biden, Bernie’s just hanging on trying to outlast

But this nasty virus has with Bernie become a strange bedfellow
The Dems added pork to their package and turned the Republicans back bone to jello

The virus reached pandemic level on both coasts so Congress passed a bill to fight this plague
But the alleged goal of the stimulus package by both parties became a bit vague

Mr. Sanders has been adamant in free healthcare for all and the bill provides free testing
Next will be free treatment and that will be approved with no protesting

Because this is an election year the Democrats are striking while the virus is hot
With 75 million to the National Endowment For The Arts, someone hit the jackpot

To raise that much money PBS would have to sell a lot of Downton Abbey DVD’s
Hopefully there won’t be a lot of fund raising while the shut ins are fighting for their life from this disease

Bernie’s hatred of the wall received a positive update, 350 million for refugee resettlement
That’s good news for Mr. Sander’s borderless country and should aid in his contentment

There’s nothing like adding many new unskilled people to counties’ welfare rolls
But they’ll vote democrat and with Nancy’s idea of no ID for voting the dems will sweep the polls

The new refugees I’m sure are going to be a big help in righting the economy and fighting this virus
While the leaders of Congress can proudly say we passed this bill with out bias

Bernie should be down right gleeful about the US having to pay it’s citizens
Dependency on the government are all part of his far left visions

The money won’t be enough people living week to week will still be broke
It’s only a matter of time before another bill will be in front of Congress for them to invoke

America will sell it’s ideals and soul to try to right it’s economy with another stimulus bill
While the Chinese continue to eat their bats and perhaps morph the virus into one that can really kill

So Mr. Sanders stays in isolation but still gets some of his wishes granted without making a speech
Again the virus worked in his favor as Biden stumbles people don’t have to listen to Bernie preach

0

Time For A Reboot

As usual after countless attempts the help desk 24/7 phone line was still busy
The reports were due and the management staff was in a tizzy

Finally after losing precious minutes the monotone IT expert came on the line
The system kept locking on the merge screen as if by design

Hopefully this personality rich individual could figure the cause
Always under the notion the systems are perfect and the operator has flaws

Demeaning himself to speak to us peons his first suggestion was to reboot
Like explaining to a toddler he advised to locate the power switch, toggle, and you should compute

If only the world was so simple that one could flip the power switch
Just reach behind the box, a quick push and goodbye to the glitch

As in system software like this world this isn’t always the case
There is no reset button as this virus disrupts the human race

A new set of rules has been hastily written and thrust on mankind
Daily routines, employment and relationships as we know it have been redefined

Granny is off limits, one can only work from home and little kids watch the outdoors through the window sills
While an anxious mother watches terrified that either she or they will start to have the chills

Also knowing she’ll have to explain the monster’s not under the bed but on their playmate’s hands
Hoping beyond belief there is some comprehension and the little one understands

When this vile plague is over perhaps a reboot is what this country needs
A time to look back and not stumble over the same misdeeds

Time to see the puppy’s delighted wiggle, the infant’s reach, the elder’s smile because you walked in the door
Forgiving the cry in the night, a minute of forgetfulness, or the accident on the floor

To continue dwelling in the negatives of the past only wounds the heart
Moreover thinking there is only one resolution that matters the world will continue to drift apart

0

Let’s Party We Ain’t Scared. If We Get It, We Get It

He contracted the virus in the biology lab from a graduate assistant who had traveled abroad
He’d heard the news but in his ignorance the doomsayers with their catastrophic numbers just seemed flawed

At the semester’s end he gathered up four friends and headed for the Florida beaches for sun and fun
Other friends last year bragged about drinking fourteen cases of beer so they were out to prove they can’t be out done

His asymptomatic self now on the road for 1000 miles in close quarters with his friends
Drinking beer and sharing doobies at the end of finals is what his youthful wild side recommends

He stopped for gas while contaminating the pump handle and the candy rack from the Snickers bar he stuffed under his shirt
Saving more money for beer and making up time to catch the Saturday night beach concert

Arriving in Clearwater in early afternoon it was time to load up on beverages and hit the beach
The virus is spreading like wildfire but to him it’s party time and no time to listen to the newscasters preach

The girls were plentiful and many were willing to celebrate and share a good time
Besides everyone was there on their own free will and looking for fun, and that is not a crime

The gloved housekeeping staff were tasked with changing bed linens and towels
Trying not to touch their face while cleaning the sink and toilets after three days of drinking, bad eating and loose bowels

The five days were up before he knew it as the city denied access to the sand
So on the road again with a rolling stomach but satisfied, smug and tanned

Making a pit stop at a drug store and sorting through the antacids to quell that nauseous feeling
His friends demanded the break after eating two for a dollar roller grill hot dogs as they found his breath, burps and flatulence quite unappealing

Returning home he was forced to spend time with his family and grandparents since his college was closed
He wasn’t recovering from his trip that fast, feeling feverish, coughing and his opinion it was a sinus infection was misdiagnosed

He had just made a two thousand mile round trip with a contagious disease he had helped transmit
But it was a party and he wasn’t scared we get it, we all get it

2

Mom (or Dad’s) New Lesson Plan

Amidst the schools closing with little warning due to the virus threat
Parents trying to home school are finding subjects are easy to forget

Twenty years ago school seemed a breeze and the subjects taught were easy
Now a quick glance at the lessons on the laptop made the stomach queasy

The idea of passing the kids on to Granny wasn’t working either
Sure, she does have a phone and a laptop but has mastered neither

Her atlas still showed Yugoslavia and her dictionary can’t spell check
And Gramps is completely immersed in TV westerns as his brain has become a sputtering wreck

Now Mom’s working from home, reviewing tomorrow’s lessons and exactly what is a cosine
But just maybe now there is a chance to show what makes Mom shine

The kids can learn how to manage a day, budget the home and work the lesson plan
Maybe life’s lessons can be shown to be more than a soccer Mom in a minivan

The whining and the eye rolling are inevitable but one must comply with the law of the land
Parents can now experience a small dose of what teachers see first hand

So review the Magna Carta, split infinitives and flower stamens as tomorrow they’ll be yours to teach
This new responsibility will make the evening wine sweeter while you dream of the beach

0

Please Listen Carefully as our Menu has Changed


I’m calling my doctor as these coronavirus alerts have become relentless. Blaring 24/7 on all my devices has left me in a fog
The auto message picks up immediately stating “Thank you for contacting Celestial Behavioral Health and the office of Dr. P.W. Fozziwog”

“If this is an emergency please hang up and dial 911 before becoming completely deranged
For all others please listen carefully as our menu has changed”

“Press one if you have become obsessed with rationing the squirts of sanitizer for your hands”
Friends and family are becoming concerned about your ever increasing posted list of demands

“Press two if you run from your children when they return from school”
To them having to strip in the garage while you’re ordering them to check their temperature just seems cruel

“Press three if you have dreams about being trapped under your collapsed mountain of hoarded toilet paper”
You wake up in a cold sweat with visions of the hazmat suited coroner prying you up with a paint scraper

“Press four if your parents have blocked their entryway with granny’s old English buffet”
When you unsuccessfully tried to leave the kids with them for a weekend stay

“Press five if due to sports withdrawal you were escorted from the local Putt Putt for starting a brawl”
By yelling obscenities about missed putts at the man with the blue ball

“Press six if you need the menu retold
Or stay on the line so a real person will put you on hold”

0

The Old Man Democrat Rap

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Hello Folks and welcome to the first democratic rap off

But safety first people use elbow bumps to greet and masks if you cough

Our contestants tonight are Lil Havana Bernie and Wooden Nickels Joe

We think by the time this evening is through you’ll be treated to quite the show

By using the best of three coin toss to make sure Wooden Nickels went last Lil Havana will go first

And since Donna Brazile is not backstage this rap is completely unrehearsed

We would ask the audience to refrain from heckling and may the best rapper win

So now with no further delay Lil Havana you may begin

Skritcha skritcha skritcha

“Yo peeps listen here I be here again

We gonna take down CEO’s and rich oilmen

And when those rich whiteys are gone

You gonna know which side of da toast da butter be on

Your healthcare and college be free and we be tearing down da wall

Socialism is king and capitalism will fall

All will be treated alike citizens or not

Everyone gonna get three squares and a cot

Castro da man made Kooba a better place

By following my hero we can shove our govment in Trump’s fat face

So dat’s my rap, Reverend Jackson is on my side to capcha his brothas’ vote

And come November we can all stand with raised fists and gloat

So come out and vote for me to give me da inside track

I mean this as I be serious as a heart attack”

Boom cha cha Boom cha cha

“My name is Biden and I be running for prez in a big way

I can’t member nuttin or so dey say

I be like one of the Royal family with da ol lady Queen

I feel like Prince Charles and should be making the scene

Me and Brotha Obama once be tight

And if he’d endorse me the future be bright

If he don’t I be draggin out da heavy artillery

I be naming my running mate as Hilary

In no time flat she be committing me to da rubber room

So her delayed Presidency she can resume

We gonna take your guns but don’t be alarmed

Our new gangsta immigrants will see no one’s harmed

Also we be gonna oh crap I forgot this verse

I can’t remember like I usta and my thoughts go from bad to worse

So instead of rapping I be striking a pose and do a dab

And I’ll fondle my crotch if someone be telling which side of my Depends to grab

I grabbed the wrong side in Cleveland

And the scramble for the exits got out of hand

So vote for me in November as I be da man to beat

And in November we can hand those Democ…er Republicans a defeat”

2

The Wed Perse


“Kevin are you glad that you’ve gotten to leave the classroom and come spend time with me?
And if we can break your pronunciation problem with the r’s it will be time well spent. Don’t you agree?”

“So you just sit there and we’ll work on your speech. What color is my purse?”
“Ma’am, your perse is wed.” Knowing my r just went from bad to worse

“No Kevin, the purse is red, rrrr red. Can you repeat that?”
“Yes ma’am, rrrr wed.” More words the kids can poke fun at

Wats!

“Okay Kevin, we’ll try again. How many apples are on the stand?”
“Ma’am it looks like thwee.” Wanting to bury my head in the sand

Wats! Wats!

“Kevin it’s three, thrrrree. Can you repeat it?”
“Yes ma’am, thwee.” As frustration reached the point of throwing a fit

“No Kevin, it’s thrrrree. Repeat it one more time.”
“Thwee.” Just knowing I’m sounding like I’m committing a crime

Cwap!

“Kevin let’s take a minute and watch the yard man cutting grass through the window screen. What color is the grass?”
“Ma’am, he’s cutting gween gwass.”

Cwap! Cwap!

“Okay Kevin, I see our twenty minutes are up and your class is outside for recess. Do you know when our next session is before you go out to play?”
“Yes ma’am it’s thwee o’clock on Fwiday.”

Fuck!

“Oh Kevin, it’s thrrrree o’clock on Frrrriday. I guess I’ve got another ten minutes to spare.
So you’ll stay here and repeat after me, and stop squirming in that chair.”

0

Books That Have Been Banned…Revisited

Books have been burned and banned through the ages
By people who feel they have a right to censor what is written on the pages

What follows are three books that were banned before Al Gore’s internet was invented
And before his wife’s blacklist of the music she found offensive should be prevented

The Grapes of Wrath

Published in 1939 Steinbeck’s novel describes the struggles of a destitute farming family for survival
Driven from Oklahoma by the crop killing dust storms the kinfolk load their meager possessions and head to California hoping for a better life on arrival

The hand bills posted promised a finer life with improved living conditions and plentiful jobs
The harsh reality after a brutal travel west the family and all like them were set upon by government mobs

Beaten and hounded, the destitute group found no solution to their trouble
Called Reds by the authorities fearing the spread of socialism, the families were forced to live in tents and burned out rubble

Fast forward 80 years and immigration caravans are marching to California only to find the Welcome sign had been removed
Though many managed to sneak in most found misery and their life not improved

The fear of socialism remains high as these new immigrants will surely vote for those promising all things free
Forcing America to lean to the left will then become a certainty

1984

Published in 1949 Orwell’s book was about the spread of communism forced on it’s citizens and businesses by the government or Big Brother
The countries’ people were regulated by telescreens in every room or approved media as the government spied on one another

The protagonist Winston Smith worked for the government as a fact changer
He changed data according to the government’s whims, and if not his life was in danger

In real time 1984 the McIntosh PC was introduced in a Super Bowl commercial with a nod to oddly enough Orwell’s 1984
The UK agreed to to transfer power from Hong Kong to communist China while Hong Kong could retain it’s capitalistic democracy for fifty years more

A new virus had been identified, labeled as Aids continued its’ deadly march across the land
In 1949 ideas like government changing facts, controlling businesses and the spread of communism were good reasons to have the book banned

Fast forward 36 years from 1984 and a new virus is identified and another pandemic is on the loose
Consumers buy products and download software that spies on them by the profiles they produce

1984 was over three decades ago but what was written still prevails
The government both foreign and domestic does have the ability to control foolish people as they unwittingly leave their digital trails

To Kill A Mockingbird

Told through the young eyes of Scout Finch the novel deals with racial injustice in a small southern town
Published in 1960 Harper Lee’s book demonstrated the way white people used ingrained prejudices to keep the black people down

Evidenced by the rape trial of an impoverished white woman’s pitiful power play
The daughter of the incestuous town drunk tempted a black man and the drunk hiding behind Jim Crow could not let it lay

Banned by both whites and blacks alike for language, racial and sexual overtones the book was thrown out of many libraries and schools
There’s a certain unwritten order to peoples’ existence based on skin color and one must follow the rules

The Democratic party by the civil rights act of 1964 tossed the people of color a bone
But much like the man on trial in Harper Lee’s story, everyone knows who’s in power behind the throne

As much as things change the more they seem the same
The fact that people shield their eyes to hide from the truth is the real shame

7

The Shark Tank


Duh Nuh
The two note sound echoed off the ocean floor and resounded through the coral sending the alarm
The Bloomberg Shark (Stoppus friskus) eyes opened wide while hoping for no additional harm

The Bloomberg Shark from the BS family had been dropping many clams on his private campaign and became an easy target for a harpoon
He’s hoping not to be added to the ocean floor where the bodies of short lived candidates are strewn

Duh Nuh Duh Nuh Duh Nuh
The notes were stringing rapidly together meaning more hungry sharks were in the neighborhood
Carefully peering around the wreck of the the sunken ship The USS Society to see as far as he could

Surprisingly the noise seemed to be coming from another member of the BS family (Oldus geekus) the Biden Shark.
A former serious predator now reduced to bottom feeding as his campaign had not been a swim in the park

Relieved the Bloomberg Shark relaxed for a minute not worried about a vicious attack
Mostly toothless having to gum his prey he’s not capable of much more than talking smack

Duh nuh Duh nuh Duh nuh
Now the notes were coming from the port side of the wreck
And there he was another BS predator the Buttigieg Shark (Accompli nadas) swimming over the top of the poop deck

Accompanied by his husband a member of the blow fish group and full of his own sense of pride
This shark was hoping to shred the Bloomberg animal and in his favor turn the tide

The Bloomberg Shark was further startled when a pale white shadow appeared above the kelp
It was the shrieking opportunist Warren Shark (Taxus richus) taking bites out of all the sharks in the area hoping every tooth mark will help

Cruising past and making incoherent noise was the Bernie Shark (Freeus allus) the largest BS of all tailed by a huge group of adoring sardines hoping to be forgiven of all their debts
The naive little fish would be surprised to see what their vote really gets

Finally the voters of the South Carolina caucus will realize they’re gonna need a bigger boat
All this mayhem to harpoon the Great White Whale (Deplorus patriotus) with their vote

Hoping for new leadership to stir up the prevailing ocean sediment
To quote Moby Dick “It smells like the left wing of the day of judgment”

2

TV Commercials BD&AD


Growing up in the 50’s and 60’s TV commercials had a different tone
They were aired to catch your interest and not offend with what was shown

Who doesn’t remember the product sold when you hear “Mother please I’d rather do it myself” or “My bologna has a first name.”
But then along came a commercial that changed the whole ballgame

The advertisement showed two women walking in an idyllic setting on a sunrise beach discussing why one doesn’t feel “fresh” enough
“Pam” one says as the water laps over their feet. “Sometimes I think I smell pretty rough.”

To which Pam goes on to praise the new product she uses
She continues to rave about the ease of use and the sense of confidence the product produces

It seems it was a douche commercial that opened advertisers’ eyes
Suddenly the gloves were off and for any malady no matter how disturbing there was a product cure for a spokesperson to advise

So now the commercial world can be classified before douche and after douche or BD&AD
BD commercials were as always hard sell but without all the side effects hooey

However BD commercials’ catchphrases would probably have completely different connotations for AD products sold today
The “put a tiger in your tank’ slogan could be used to end erectile dysfunction dismay

And “I can’t believe I ate the whole thing ,” when the person is the size of a minivan
Would now be a commercial for a weight reduction plan

This new age of loathsome advertising might have been avoided when the original two women strolling along the sandy track
If in their conversation Pam had turned to her companion and said, “it’s not you it was that dead jellyfish we passed about 100 yards back

6

Lonely Dog TV

The things I do to get a treat, oh the humanity
I’m not quite sure if it’s love ’cause it borders on insanity

I’m supposed to roll over and sit up and beg for a chemical tasty treat
If you really love me, ditch anything packed in cardboard or paper and give me meat

Now I’m supposed to be a really sweet boy and be grateful for this insipid TV channel
Not to mention this tight fitting very hot stupid looking sweater made of flannel

If you really want me to to be your loyal companion and look at you with adoration
Then coughing up the bucks for the doggie channel bundle would be my recommendation

This one channel of a bunch of stoned looking boomer dogs and 24/7 relaxing mood music gives me the squirts
So if you want to save money on the expensive puppy pads give me the channel bundle featuring dogs of action, current doggie headlines and mean spirited cat perverts

The bundle includes this elevator music channel, a dog reality channel, a news channel and scripted shows all in HD.
There’s also a dog accessory channel and if I could read a credit card and work a telephone I could go on a serious spending spree

On the reality channel of PLF(Puppy Love Forever) I can watch The Stud Bachelor
Where one lucky dude gets to date all the bitches while trying to avoid the dog catcher

Or I can watch FGT (Fido’s Got Talent) when after a heartbreakingly sad story about growing up a mongrel on the streets, the contestant wows the overwrought judges with unique tricks
And even if the show is bad, it beats picking ticks and fetching sticks

The scripted channel shows include This Is Our Litter about sibling puppies of two Golden Retrievers and one Doberman Pinscher
The Doberman the obvious smart pup helped his overweight sister out of many jams but getting her out of the hula hoop stuck around her waist was the season clincher

Also on is the long running NCIS (National Canine Investigative Squad) the show that never goes off the air despite killing off most of the cats in the area
Though it seems to be the same show week after week it does quell a dog’s fear of stopping the cat terror organization hysteria

Finally to stay abreast of breaking news there is the HDHN (Hound Dog Headline News) delivered with sincerity by a shapely Afghan Hound with long blonde tresses.
Though the news doesn’t have to be accurate, the fact she looks good wearing only a flea collar is what impresses

So add that extra twenty five to your already outrageous satellite bill and I won’t use the sofa as a chew toy
And anything else in the ten hours you’re gone I can destroy

2

Top Secret Documents Revealed

IMG_1038Recently during a sweeping of the House Floor, the cleaning staff uncovered some top secret documents

These apparently came from a drunken democrat passed out at his desk after losing the impeachment arguments

He was found in a fetal position producing only moans and spit bubbles while covered with what looked like a torn up speech

He thought a last gasp vote might remove that trespassing oaf from office but the final tally proved out of reach

But as he was rolled over these forms were trapped between his briefcase and his flask

It seems as a member of a secret voter registration committee he had been assigned a task

Found in a pool of sweat were documents to relocate individuals claiming refugee status

Promised was a better life, healthcare and unemployment benefits all issued gratis

There was also a document to be signed that read “antes de obtener todas las cosas gratis usted debe registrarse para ser un demócrata”

Also included was a temporary work visa and a plane ticket to Imlay, Nevada

Roughly translated the statement says, “before you get all the free stuff you must sign up to be a democrat.

This figures a way to eliminate that vile Electoral College and let the republican party be a political doormat

The map shows distribution points for individuals claiming refugee status like product leaving a packer

All are sent to battleground states and followed on phones and computers by the democrat developed app tracker

Ensuring in a short time the red states now in majority will turn blue

And the progressive objectives of government dependence will be the rule and the dream of apple pie and American flag will be through

0

Asian Imports = Possible Risky Business

With all the talk of trade imports and exports it might be time to look at what is imported from Asia
Most imports are welcomed to improve quality of life, yet some offer only invasive, sickening and frustrating fantasia

The kudzu vine was imported and praised for it’s fast growth, brought in during the Great Depression it was thought to be a cheap savior for erosion control
That was before the vine swallowed the countryside, phone poles and rumored to have eaten a slow moving deputy sheriff on patrol

Asia wants all consumers to believe they export high tech electronics such as TVs computers and phones to be bought
But just don’t drive your Daewoo to a car dealer expecting a good trade in value for something else on the lot

If someone couldn’t get a good deal on their gently used car then they could surf to work on their hover board in their business attire
Just make sure your route to work passes a fire department as your pants would probably be on fire.

A while back it was all the rage to have an alternate exotic pet like a big Asian snake
So people rushed to buy and the pet distributors brought in hundreds and when the snakes got too big for the aquarium they were thrown in the lake

Unfortunately the snakes continued to grow, had no natural enemies and ate everything that moved
Since they camouflage well and reproduce rapidly, specialists are now hired to go into the swamp to have them removed

Allegedly the corona virus currently spreading world wide like wildfire was incubated by eating bat soup
Apparently the kitchen cooks in an effort to serve food fresh didn’t completely cook the poop

So it was ingested to the intestine where opportunities for virus growth dwell
And suddenly, sadly the phrase was heard. “Holy bubbling soup cauldron Batman, I’m not feeling so well.”

0

Meghan’s Tupperware Party

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Welcome to my house, my name is Meghan and I’m new to this neighborhood

I thought this Tupperware party might be a good way to meet everyone like a new resident should

I appreciate y’all parking around the U-Haul trailer and stepping over the string attached to the garden hose post

As the queen of this new house, today I’ll be serving as your host

We’re a small family and are really trying to adjust to the area

We yearn to live the quiet life away from all the hysteria

So please make yourself as comfortable as you can. The furniture just arrived from No Credit Rental

As soon as we can swing it, I’ll bring in newer furnishings so please don’t be too judgmental

I hope you brought your check book because I have some exciting items to show you

They’ll make your life easier in a lot of every day tasks you need to do

The first piece I’d like to show you is this heart shaped baking dish I use for Harry’s kidney pie

Presenting your partner with heart shaped food might just turn you into his “special” pie in the sky

Next I’d like to show you this handy divided dish that Harry uses for his fish and chips

Since his new job is an Uber driver, he has to eat on the run to not miss any tips

Finally I’d like to show this wonderful new casserole pan perfect for my recipe of bubble and squeak

I think my secret ingredients make it better, and there’s no in law here to critique

So feel free to look my samples over and thumb through the handy fliers

Hopefully that should turn you into happy neighbors and satisfied buyers

And as you leave, I’ll ask you again to be careful stepping over the string attached to the post for the garden hose

It leads all the way to Harry and is tied to the ring I have in his nose

4

To Kill A Talking Bird

The prosecution crowd was strutting in, it had been three long years
The man on trial wasn’t one of them, conjuring up their worst fears

In spite of their futile efforts, a new trade agreement was adding another achievement
“That’s not possible, he’s not good for the country.” They all cried boosting their bereavement

“But we finally got him, this ought to end his presidency.”
The fact the previous attempts at a coup bears no relevancy

Not caring their dog and pony show was beginning to look like a third world puppet regime
They were willing to give impeachment a shot so they could again reign supreme

The articles of impeachment were delivered by the trial managers marching across the Capitol looking like refugees from a PacMan game
Even though no one was home at the Senate the managers’ foolish parade appeared to produce no shame

The hand picked managers were to be a diverse group with two traits they all shared
The weasel, a Latino, two black people and a couple soon to be blue haired

The attributes in common are disdain for the American people and their hatred for the President
Taking this man down was their disturbed goal and not caring about the voters they represent

They’ve sharpened both their pencils and their teeth to grill the defense advocates
Hoping the same trial evidence and one new questionable witness won’t be found inadequate

Perhaps the trial after all does have the ability to anger the nation
When the citizens realize the proceedings preempt Days of Our Lives and are forced to watch reruns on the Super Station

4

I Fear No Weather In My New 4X4

 

Finally the moment I’ve been waiting for the wind has picked up and the weather reports forbidding
The roads might go slick with ice and could start cars skidding

The weather forecasters were in agreement, their highly touted high resolution radar does foresee
There’s a chance of sleet, slush or snow if the temperature varies by just a degree

I did what any red blooded male would do when a cold front was moving through
I checked my new SUV for gas and the fridge for an ample supply of cold brew

And to impress the little lady, I pulled around a ladder and swept out the gutters
I also checked the weather seals on the windows and oiled the hinges on the shutters

“I think you’re in overkill,” stated the little lady. “Especially with that big ladder you’ve been dragging.
Besides we shouldn’t have a worry with all the money you spent on that new station wagon.”

“It’s not a station wagon,” I snapped. “Show me a wagon with 355 horsepower and four wheel drive.”
“Whatever,” she countered. “Even without it we have plenty of Spam and would probably survive.”

“But what would happen if a medical emergency happened,” I said. “And someone went into labor?”
With all the eye rolling she could summon replied. “This is a retirement community name someone under 75 who is a neighbor.”

“Ah,” I responded. “You forgot about the mass stampede to the grocery store for milk and bread.”
“Well that would solve our problem,” she grumbled. “You’re lactose intolerant and I’m gluten free. We’d both be dead.”

0

Antiques Roadshow


The politicians are gathering at the Iowa Convention Center and telling the voters what they are worth
Pretending they have all the solutions, can save the country and are the salt of the earth

It appears the frontrunners are not spring chickens, their skin sags and their knees creak
They need glasses to read from a teleprompter so a foggy brain doesn’t cause them to misspeak

Most had to Google Iowa to find if an educated civilization exists and it’s geographical whereabouts
By using various browser searches they were able to determine needed information and the shortest in and out routes

The usual suspects were assembled minus a few that couldn’t generate much interest
Those missing came to the stunning conclusion that outside their circle of toadies there’s really no donating elitists

Most of the leading candidates had to use the handicapped entrance and each had a so equipped suite
The rooms were equipped with doors that opened only to the left and knee pads to continue their worship at Schumer and Pelosi’s feet

The Barbie and Ken of the feckless geriatric set, both crave power by running the House with an X in the center box
Causing Republican legislation to barely crawl as partisan votes are a unanimous bloc

Both the expressions of the Speaker and Minority Leader never change and are devoid of humor
Their faces are frozen as if out of hemorrhoid cream showing a constant grimace those of Pelosi and Schumer

The former Vice President Biden is in the Atrium claiming his vast experience will give Trump a scare
But first he needs to be near a twelve year old girl so he can smell her hair

Bernie Sanders is checking in next, a friend to all the struggling little people evidenced by the fact he can’t afford a comb
But also making sure he has a direct route out of Iowa to his nearest multi million dollar home

Since her beer chugging, kin to the Indians, and horrific healthcare costs didn’t work out there’s a new sound coming from Elizabeth Warren
Blasting her opposition and big business at every opportunity her open door policy on immigration now has her chameleon personality speaking Ecuadorian

So they’re here in Iowa to woo the caucus voters with all their rhetoric and bluster
While the middle of the road Iowans try to act engaged with all the civility they can muster

16

Where was Granny’s Sack of Pills?


The auto call reminded me of the upcoming doctor’s appointment, to be 15 minutes early and bring all my medication
And judging by the patients in the waiting room one of the side effects of their medication had to be constipation

My Granny was a sweet woman with admirable baking skills but not a sack of pills
Sure she buttered her toast and fried her chicken but only had aspirin to cure her ills

A lot of today’s “diseases” hadn’t been invented such as high cholesterol and bone density
Granny never experienced a doctor’s lecture about thinning bones with the stare of cyborg intensity

She stayed active, tended her garden, cared for the grand kids and in winter was careful on ice
She spent her income wisely, used coupons as her purchases were always the lowest price

And she knew as she aged, she’d never be thirty again
But this is now and that was then

Grandpa smoked his Luckies, shaved every day and built shelves in his shed
He ate what Granny fixed, commented on the news and at 86 dropped dead

He never heard about high cholesterol, macular degeneration, osteoporosis or low T
Due to age occasionally claimed to be “stove up” but was only aware of his heart when he and the Parson would disagree

Perhaps our elderly were fortunate not to have their standard of living dictated by Big Pharma
They survived on their relationships with others, common sense and positive karma

They didn’t see a parade of specialists, given a pamphlet with perplexing statistics and be assigned a new high priced drug

But most of all never sat in a waiting room with two patients and five buttoned down Pharmaceutical reps all looking smug

0

The Holiday Haters Radio Station


We appreciate our many loyal listeners who have requested no Christmas music on this radio station
The constant jingle jangle of holiday themed melodies at every turn leads to unrelenting aggravation

To appease you our listeners we’ve created an alt station for both streaming and on the air at 99.8
These songs will tell a different story though the tunes may sound familiar they will morph into a song you won’t hate

Below is just a sample of what this new seasonal station will try to undertake
So kick back and turn it up when you feel you need a holiday break

There’s No Place Like Home For The Holidays: These days in this politically alienating time sometimes it’s hard being at home for the holiday

The song now goes we arrive at the last minute, gulp down the feast and be out the door and by the time angry Uncle Joe picks a fight we’re well down the road in our Hyundai

Little Drummer Boy: For political correctness sake, now the Little Drummer Person
Just what the new parents needed, after quieting those noisy lowing cattle, some kid pounding on a drum causing the infant child’s crying to worsen.

Baby It’s Cold Outside: An inappropriate song about using alcohol for sex
Now a song about surprise when Baby turns out to have male private parts and huge pecs

Do You Hear What I Hear: The first line of lyric is the same asking if you can hear
Only now the song is about an over bearing abusive husband hollering for more queso dip and beer

Deck The Halls: A song about decorating the house for the yuletide season
Now a song about appropriate ways to brighten the house so you won’t be charged for treason

I Saw Mama Kissing Santa Claus: Now changed to I Saw Mama Kissing Mrs. Claus
Since Mama was just outed this year it should be an interesting dinner with the in laws

Our goal is that by the end of the season our listeners will appreciate our endeavor
We feel that since the Christmas music starts now before Halloween our station is better late than never

0

A Deplorable’s Vocabulary Primer to the Hearings

It’s been three years now and the democrats still have their panties in a wad
Their frantic attempt to keep the republicans from reelection has Americans viewing them as odd

Forget about the USA’s problems of immigration, infrastructure or healthcare
Trump in office for another four years is unthinkable and cause for great despair

They’re at home plate down two strikes and hoping this impeachment process is not strike three
Rather than legislate they’ll build a case based on innuendo provided by their own designees

Words are being tossed around during the hearings that this Primer will help clarify
You’ll understand some of the language used by those hand picked partisans chosen to testify

Whistleblower: This is an individual who reports to a superior evidence of a crime
Like when we think that Donna Doright sent the home office pictures of Cathy Cleavage and General Manager Sammy Slime

Quid Pro Quo: Elitist speak for you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours
This how Cathy Cleavage went from temp to executive assistant behind closed doors

Impeachment: An effort to bring formal charges against a higher-up by questioning that individual’s honesty
That is why Sammy Slime now works third shift in his new career of broom management for being lusty

The fact is this whole impeachment seems contrived and overplayed
As the Senate won’t vote Trump out, this whole inquiry is now the Dems divisive crusade

However, this hearing does detour around their campaign promises made when elected
Just another delaying tactic as their constituents will continue to be neglected

For they know that to accomplish guarantees made for their election they’ll have to work across the aisle
So America can stand up to their armpits in alligators while the Dems hide behind this trial

2

Jezebelosi: History Does Repeat Itself

 

About three thousand years ago a young woman was married to Israel’s king
A headstrong woman she didn’t appreciate the religion her new subjects seemed to cling

She set about to change all that by introducing her own beliefs for all to praise
She was now a woman of power and demanded all her subordinates to accept her mores

The new Priestess then set out to destroy all who opposed her
Unlike today, killing the opposition was fair so old beliefs did not recur

Her subjects lived in fear they and their ideology would be exposed by her tirades
As her Highness’s doctrines could possibly crumble the powerful Kingdom of Israel for decades

Fast forward 3000 years and now a powerful woman is out to instill her own values on a Nation
Elected to represent an area beset with multiple problems of immigration, homelessness and high taxation

She is determined to take down the person legally voted into office by the rules of the Constitution
Using any means possible through lies and innuendo supplied by shadowy figures, she’s hoping for prosecution

Since murder is now frowned upon except in a certain former presidential society
This lady would not consider wearing that crown of notoriety

If she and her sycophants before the upcoming election could take total control
She could turn the country into her private domain without a soul

She does feel the sweat of desperation creeping into her tired leak to the media style
Easily disproved statements and secret closed door meetings have replaced her previous guile

When the next election is over and she is forced to turn over her gavel
She and her party will see the plans for a new America unravel

Unlike the Jezebel days she can’t be thrown out the window to the hungry dogs below
But she will have to hit the road back to destitute California with her pack of toadies in tow

0

But I had the Shot

The flu season is upon us, over arched eyebrows the local news person is advising the shot

The stick is easier than trying to justify your illness at the clinic with “I forgot”

Just don’t celebrate the vaccination event at your favorite diner

Because germs congregate there to turn one into a nose dripping whiner

How is that possible it’s asked, the place always looks so clean

Oh there is an effort made, it’s not the plates, flatware or cuisine

But realize in the restroom a sign states employees must wash hands before returning to work

However after washing all that is offered is an ineffective blower making it easier to wipe hands on pants where the bad germs lurk

At your seat you’re handed a laminated menu that may have been wiped down once before stacking in the hostess’ rack

But the velcro sound made when turning the pages makes one wonder if the stickiness is a disease waiting to attack

Deciding on the salad bar and half sandwich with fries you head to the bar

But the idea of grabbing the same serving tongs as the stressed daycare worker and the twelve people before her is really quite bizarre

After the salad the food is delivered and you reach for the ketchup to slather on your fries

This is the same bottle handled by the pale looking kid with goop oozing out of his eyes

But you enjoy the meal and return to the job secure in the knowledge you’ve had the vaccine

A couple of hours later your stomach feels queasy and coworkers are remarking how you look a little green

Then it hits, suddenly your mouth waters and you head to the restroom at a fast trot

Over retching sounds while trying to maintain your dignity you question the value of the shot

0

The People in the Wall


The hospital room is illuminated only by the monitor when they appear
They sound like friendly people not presenting anything to fear
Their language though unidentifiable seems soft and inviting
The concept of meeting these new souls grows more exciting
They come only in darkness but doesn’t seem out of the ordinary at all
For the last three nights these visions invited me to join them while it’s business as usual in the hall
The familiar voices during the day were always hushed and conversation the same
“No change from yesterday; I think he knows we’re here; he’s so young what a shame”
Yet the direct sincere tone of the physicians let me know I’m not coming back
Life had been good, surrounded by beautiful faces for years until the heart attack
My days now consist of acceptance, needle sticks and a two minute visit by the floor nurse
I wish I could tell her to help the savable but as for me unplug and call the hearse
Tonight I’m joining my new friends and catch up with the loved ones that left long ago
Standing on now youthful legs, I step through the wall and to new and familiar faces I say “Hello”

0

Don’t Bogart That E-cig

Don’t Bogart that joint, pass it over to me

In the film Easy Rider the group Fraternity of Man did decree

One can picture Bogie cigarette dangling from his lips in a melancholy film noir

Slouching against a bar, dinner jacket and sleepy eyes fresh from the ingenue’s boudoir

Somehow the impact of the scene would lose effectiveness if Bogart disappeared in a water vapor mist

The movie world would never see when a kiss is just a kiss

Disguising itself as a way to kick tobacco the e-cig industry created a huge income craze

Appealing not only for the buzz but also the cool factor the ad business portrays

Ignore the fact the e-juice may have been assembled by a profiteer at his kitchen table

And to make it look legit slap on a counterfeit label

Today there are expensive devices that produce those euphoric vapors

Gone are the paranoid days at the mini mart buying the J ◊ B rolling papers

Just knowing the entire U.S . Intel community was outside hiding in the kudzu vines

With their sniper scopes trained on your back while peering through the Georgia pines

Many of the present day vaping products sold contain unregulated juice

Pretending lung damage happens to the other guy makes for a risky calculated excuse

Producing a current potential lesson on how to whistle as a walk away tease

“You know how to whistle don’t you? You just put your lips together and wheeze.”

0

William The Soothsayer

William Shakespeare may have lived over four hundred years ago

Countless quotes  he penned still apply today as he seemed to know

The media machine once an honorable profession laments we’re “in the winter of our discontent”

Their chosen candidate was not elected so now facts and figures we must invent

Their speaker is intent on rewriting the Constitution backed by professors and shrinks

While middle America states “The lady doth protest too much methinks”

Perhaps the speaker babbles on fearing the outspoken ignorance of AOC

Feeling her reins slipping away and maybe thinking “Get thee to a nunnery”

Grasping at straws she and her party should have heeded to “all that glitters is not gold”

While trying to wipe the egg off their face after the Mueller report was over sold

The whistle-blower is their new hope. Somebody had heard something much like the Mueller echos

As “misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows”

The committee chairman is all in anticipating this report doesn’t run aground

Proving once again “the empty vessel makes the loudest sound”

How could the voters given this brash outsider the master key

From his elitist perch thinking “Lord what fools these mortals be”

We’ve got to scheme to trip this ignoramus up as the 2020 election is looking grim

Preaching from his stump “Friends, Romans, countrymen lend me your ears, I have come bury Caesar not to praise him”

The democrats are surely shaking in their glass slippers. Their future and attempts to impeach are entwined

Time is not an ally considering “Love me or hate me both are in my favor. If you love me I’ll always be in your heart, if you hate me I’ll always be in your mind.” 

2

Snacking on Jellyfish to Improve my Brain Function

Helping a child with their homework last week I was asked, “What is the capitol of Delaware?”

Drawing a complete blank I was concerned that my once sharp recall was not all there

After seeing commercials how an ingredient found in jellyfish can improve my brain

I decided to give it a try but the prices charged seemed a bit insane

So while at the beach, I found a dead jellyfish washed up on the shore

Though it smelled really fishy the price was certainly better than the supplement store

After brushing sand and a few fiddler crabs off the carcass I tossed it in an ice chest

I did lay a plastic bag over my beer so the cans would taste okay or so I guessed

Arriving home I unloaded the car and set the ice chest on the entrance mat

Within minutes the chest was covered with flies and being eyeballed by the mangy neighborhood cat

Undeterred I brushed off the flies shooed the cat and hosed off the gelatinous remains

Using my wife’s good pizza cutter I carefully sliced off strips avoiding what looked like blue veins

Firing up the grill I figured I could season the the strips with some pepper and barbecue rub

Hoping to produce some brain enhancing ocean fresh non expensive tasty grub

Eagerly anticipating the flavor my cast iron skillet slowly warmed to a medium high heat

I was hoping for possibly a new jerky both beneficial and delicious to eat

Using tongs I coated the strips with oil to keep from sticking and placed them on the grill

Thinking how I liked my secret fish taco recipe I also brushed on a little mustard and dill

What happened next caused Wizard of Oz flashbacks as the strips shriveled like the Wicked Witch’s shoes

They melted into a lava like gooey substance and a toxic smelling juice started to ooze

Sliding a spatula under one of the globs I pasted it on a cracker like hors d’oeurves

As the cracker reached my lips I experienced a flash of internet potential of all natural jellyfish preserves

Just like a kid with an Oreo I licked the bubbling blob to see what I created

Instantly my eyes watered, my throat constricted, and my tongue dilated

Chugging three now warm fishy tasting beers the noxious taste partially subsided

Scraping the skillet into the compost pile I realized my attempt at improving my brain was misguided

To think you can improve your recall by a creature that just floats with the tide

Is falling for an ad campaign based on age paranoia and being taken for a ride

0

The Vacuum of Thought

As the day grows longer and the nights go colder
The world deteriorates as we grow older
We’re going to be able to see in hindsight
What we’ve given up without a fight
At a time this country is being overtaken by the ungrateful masses
We think problems will disappear, viewed through our rose colored glasses
It’s easier to turn away and pretend to not see
Then to make a stand and not be considered PC
The mindless press and media control the process of thought
Forget about common sense, forget about things taught
Plug your earbuds in and crank up that current pop tune
To the problems surrounding you just stay immune
Why worry over over the jobless, impoverished or the hungry
When you can call your buddy and complain about the game’s referee
Check out your cell phone to see the latest app
While the power people with their finger on the trigger begin to unwrap
When the great heathen masses begin to mobilize
As cities around the world start to vaporize
And containers of nerve gas become airborne
Who in this world will be left to mourn
Continue to hold the celebrities to the highest acclaim
Continue to worry about the point spread of the big game
It’s all about the newest toy and one upmanship
While third world children become experts at weapons field strip
So lock yourself away in your your loft apartment
Content in the knowledge that five dollar coffee is money well spent
While in the limited access countries they’re building bombs to radiate
And use their cell phones to pinpoint and annihilate
Consequently when fighting for your life against an enemy with no soul
Just remember it wasn’t supposed to happen according to the latest media poll

0

Land of the Free

Hello Folks, I appreciate all of you coming out on this cold night
After watching the events of the past years, I know how to have the citizens unite

My slogan here after will be “Make America Reliant Again”
I’ll let the people know the country is there to serve them and not run by a conman

I’m announcing I’m running for President and this I guarantee
We will make America fair to all and the land of the stuff that’s free

Forget that nonsense about asking what you can do for your country
We’re giving everything free without any collusion or a FBI dossier

Here’s my agenda, I’ll lay it out for all to see
And I’m sure most of you out there will agree

First thing we’re gonna open the border and tear down that wall
We’ll welcome all unvetted people warts and all

Next all newcomers whether a resident or not we’ll give the right to vote
They can cast a ballot before their feet are dry from jumping off the boat

I’m convinced they’ll vote in large numbers for the one giving the most free stuff
That candidate will be me, I’ll happily supply all wants and whims for free, sure enough

We’ll let all people vote at sixteen, I mean they are old enough to drive and have a kid
Who am I to block a sophomore in high school ideas’ of government, God forbid

While I’m at it, I’m going to promote the legalization of pot
There’s nothing like an ocean of people who’d rather be high and with welfare not do squat

Because I’m pushing for a federal wage guarantee, security for those unwilling to to work
I mean why work if you don’t have too and look like a do gooder jerk

Also don’t ever worry about sickness as our healthcare for all will take care of you
Ignore the fact your doctor arrived from a third world nation being paddled by six lepers in a bamboo canoe

Finally to keep people like me in power the Electoral College is going away
We refuse to honor a process that keeps all states equal and ends like Hillary’s dismay

If my promises ring hollow and my thoughts of making America reliant you disregard
Just remember, for those that don’t follow me I’ll be happy to pull the racist card.

0

Little Girl Lost

Wake up and good morning sweet girl, pretty granddaughter
I’m very sorry due to your gender you’ll be treated like a fish out of water
You see society is determining that just wanting to be a girl is reprehensible
The fact that wanting to play with dolls and wearing curls is not defensible
You’ll soon be initiated into what was once considered alternate lifestyles
The schools will educate, social media will preach and television enforces across all dials
You’ll be introduced into sports to compete against other kids
The sports will all be gender neutral as competing your own sex the law forbids
When you finally reach high school and can compete against all female teams
Unfortunately there’s always an opponent who’s six four with a beard or so it seems
Though she identifies as a female the fact she wears a jock seems a bit discerning
You see little girl it’s all part of your life you’ll be learning
Sex education will never be the same and neither will be home ec class
The school board terrified of reprisal wants no part of a vocal group’s lambastes
The gym teacher will no longer get by with an anatomy poster and a thirty minute videotape
The instructor now comes with a laundry list covering everything from disease to rape
Advising the merits of experimentation to satisfy a growing curiosity
And for the moment it’s okay to push aside your background of religiosity
The playground groups whisper about who’s done what and who is square
So when your moment comes are you willing to try on a double dog dare
The days of high school dances cruising the strip and making out in the back seat
Have been replaced with heterosexual hesitation and hoping that doesn’t end as a bad tweet
Just wanting to be a strong free thinking woman just doesn’t cut it anymore
To be independent is considered gauche. One must embrace an alt lifestyle for society to adore
It’s a pack mentality, keeping the group intact, intimidation by numbers
Ideas impressed in young minds creating fitful dreams while one slumbers
So little one enjoy your playtime, your tea parties and dressing in Mom’s attire
As soon confusion about yourself will arise from lectures advocated as the law requires

0

Where’s Boris

We’re live tonight and riding with Sgt. Al (Big Al) Jackson an officer assigned to Russian Patrol
The agency formed after collusion talks indicated Russian infiltrators needed to be kept under control.
The patrol’s job is to seek out Soviet non-citizens, arrest and book them and have them deported
I’m riding with Sgt. Jackson following leads that residents have reported
Big AL explained he came from a military family and had grown tired of seeing America going down the tubes
Besides chasing bad guys beats working in a office and spending the day peering over cubes
The radio suddenly came to life advising a suspicious person at the Circle K sandwich bar
The suspect was upset that that none of the advertised condiments were Beluga caviar.
Gone before we got there we were tipped that suspicious person might be at Charge Bucks Coffee shop
A customer observed a person sending bulk e-mails of voting misinformation from his laptop
The individual was also agitated the Barista couldn’t create a Lenin likeness in his cappuccino.
Quietly we rolled into the parking lot and stopped behind a vintage El Camino
Approaching the suspect we identified ourselves as a government agency
Laughing, he replied that our numbers were too small to topple this insurgency
Still amused even in handcuffs he advised to take a look at the Mueller investigation
Two years and money wasted and nothing even close to a presidential incrimination
“We work with our network of hackers creating likable bots that America accepts as friends through their gullibility
State something outlandish enough times and fiction becomes fact. A guaranteed inevitability”
So the day progressed, the next stop was a big box store where three hookers were nabbed in the health and beauty aids.
All were demanding diplomatic immunity in an eastern bloc accent while dressed in plaid skirts and fake blond braids
The afternoon was spent interviewing green card violators trying to find a Russian connection from a potential deportee
Four hours later we were holding just one suspect who gave his name as Jesus del a Slobinski.
Later over beers, Big Al lamented. “You see it’s no longer a spy vs spy or Tom Cruise hanging on strings.”
“We spend our time waiting by the phone or seeing what new social media rumor tomorrow brings. “
“Yesterday’s detective work was easy. Tips were called in or you knocked on doors
Now we’re forced to follow up on rumors spread by a hacker six thousand miles away spreading lies like mushroom spores.”
The Russians are a dodge. The media is fueling the frenzy by writing their own unsubstantiated fabrications
The writer can read the hackers’ observations and instantly what was fiction is now face book proclamations.
Which is why we’re picking up eastern bloc amateur hookers and a caravan lightweight.
While the real criminal is on the other side of the world spreading gossip for shallow minds to infiltrate”

0

Madam Janine

The work day was over and the light on my monitor dimmed then flickered out

Traffic warnings had already been issued so getting home would require a different route

Having driven this detour before I knew it wasn’t a speed shot but at least the traffic moved

Better than a bumper to bumper standstill and the music stream rhythm had my mood improved

Suddenly two cars ahead, a SUV rear ended an ancient Buick with no tag or tail lights

The SUV owner was shaking his finger while the Buick owner was yelling,“he knew his rights.”

With no place to turn around I pulled into a lot advertising Madam Janine Psychic and Future Seer

With a good forty five minutes to kill before traffic cleared I parked behind a large cedar.

The entrance was partially obscured as I went up the stairs I noticed a candle in the window sill

Entering the room I realized all the cash I had were four twenties and a hundred dollar bill

An old woman appeared and motioned to an old yellow sofa, “ We reserve that one for our guests.”

“It’s sixty dollars for the reading. We take Visa and Master Card but not American Express.”

Bony fingers snatched the bills I held out and they disappeared under a faded and torn sweater

Uneasiness was creeping in but the smell of something vaguely familiar made me feel better

“You may enter,” said a voice through the beaded curtain separating the adjoining room

Pushing the beads aside, I saw Madam Janine gazing at me dressed in her gypsy costume

Her head scarf pulled low to her eye brows and a flamboyant shawl wrapped around her shoulders

Two cats were asleep on the mantle, in the fireplace the embers from a fire still smolders.

Motioning to sit in a wooden chair beside her, she set a deck of cards on a place mat of felt

I realized that my future was to be told by how the cards were dealt

“How may I assist you in your travels through life?” asked Madam Janine.

“I can help you with your current problems and those in the future now unseen.”

“Madam, I’m not interested in the past, just what’s on the horizon for the next couple of years.”

“You see my broker has been all over the board and I’m asking for help to quell my fiscal fears.”

Nimble fingers dealt one card and then three all face down next to the first card

Staring at the cards her request to contact the spiritual world caught me off guard

Taking my hands she rolled her eyes skyward and chanted, “Mader Scad Hogits.”

The chant didn’t bother me but the spark generated by taking my hands scared me out of my wits

The chant had at once sounded both eerie and like something I’d heard before

Though I couldn’t place the verse, I had a gnawing feeling that was hard to ignore

Flipping the first card it revealed a character labeled The Fool facing away from me

“A reversal of The Fool,” stated Janine. “Not a good sign for investments or salary.”

With no explanation she flipped the second card and up came the unsmiling Queen of Swords

Not reversed but according to Janine only if you agreed with the queen would you gain monetary rewards

The third card was flipped to reveal the Ten of Swords, not a good card at all in terms of money

The fact this card symbolized no achievement, only failure and misfortune was not funny.

Staring at he cards, I was sure of the hocus pocus but it seemed the cards were trying to transform

Perhaps the incense smoke was causing a dizziness but the card figures were beginning to deform

I looked again at the cards and the figures morphed into national politicians and then instantly blurred

“Mader Scad Hogits,” loudly chanted Janine. “A better reading I would have preferred.”

“I’ve asked again, does this last card show a way to better your investment expectation.”

When the fourth and final card revealed the Seven of Wands, I noticed Janine’s jubilation.

“This card succeeds when being attacked from all sides and constantly regains control”

“So by the years end your investments will be good and financial hardship will not take its toll”

Thanking Madam Janine while walking out the door, I noticed that familiar smell

“Are you having bacon tonight?” I asked as the recognizable aroma in my brain began to jell

“Why no sweetie, “ stuttered Janine as I started down the stairs

Glancing in her car window I saw on the console a yellow pin that someone in uniform wears

Suddenly it all became clear, the whole Madam Janine charade much to my chagrin

The Mader Scad Hogits, the bacon smell, sweetie and the uniform pin

Madam Janine was Louise who worked in a Waffle House and read Tarot cards when time permits

Whether it’s fortunes told or eggs and hash browns, whatever the client asks for is what he gets

The mysterious chant meant two eggs scrambled hold the grits. I left the parking lot and turned to the right

My investments were safe as stated by Janine and I had a good laugh as I drove into the night.

2

They Don’t Make ‘Em Like The Cartwrights Anymore

img_0868Time was in the 1950’s and 60’s TV westerns ruled the prime time airwaves

Family interaction, life lessons learned and good verses evil were what America craves

Shows crowded the evening line up with admirable people defending what is theirs

Against the likes of droughts, intruders and a gunman’s icy stares

Everything had order, good guys wore white hats and women apron strings

In the end blissful couples rode into the sunset while the bad guy swings

Times have changed, entertainment must toe the mark of politically correct

The shows must appease all factions of the population or a group will vehemently object

Let’s look at what three shows were like then and how they might appear now

Back when broadcasts were for entertainment not today’s attitude of holier than thou

Bonanza: A sprawling saga of a widower and his three sons laying claim to a quarter of Nevada

They controlled the mining, logging and cattle trade pretty much the whole enchilada

Patriarch Ben would squire all eligible ladies with charm and an occasional mimosa

Until he took them out on a buggy ride to show them his huge Ponderosa

Adam, the eldest was aloof cultured and educated with a law degree

He hoped for grassroots support and to run for office as a governor nominee

Hoss the middle son was huge and cuddly but could give bad guys a serious “lickin”

But the Chinese cook Hop Sing stayed furious at him for eating all the “flied” chicken

Little Joe the youngest was quick with fists and gun while chasing anything in a skirt

But marry just one and a crazed animal stampede would stomp her into the dirt

Bonanza 2019: Not the same show as the the characters have been updated and modernized

The politically correct scripts are now written so the clan appears duly propagandized

Ben: Now an old white guy mostly a front porch sitter with a cane and fly swatter

After a newsprint article revealed him advising a woman in lieu of rent how to remain a squatter

Adam: After a failed attempt at public office opened a store for payday loans

In addition to the Ponderosa most of the titles to the surrounding ranches he now owns

Hoss: Tired of years of back breaking farm work and shoveling horse manure

He decided to open a chain of dining establishments and has become quite the entrepreneur

Joselito: Now in show business working as a cross dressing saloon singer known as the Silk Tornado

Adored by throngs of rhinestone cowboys for his haunting rendition of “The Streets of Laredo”

The Rifleman: A dirt farmer scratching out a living with his son and a modified rapid fire rifle

Soon the bad guys in the area found that this was a man not to trifle

He was Lucas Boy to the sheriff and helped him out of many scrapes

Such as gold heists, wanted gunslingers and jail house escapes

Son Mark when in trouble knew all he had to do was holler “Paw Paw”

And Lucas would drill six slugs into the bad guy before he had a chance to draw

The Rifleman 2019: The townspeople weary of flying bullets and violence they could not condone

Banned the multi-shot rifle and and declared the town a gun free zone

Lucas reduced to hurling rocks and insults had enough and decided to retire

Works now part time in a carnival as a trick shot artist and his beloved rifle he still gets to fire

Now fifty seven Mark diagnosed as obsessive compulsive has not fared nearly as well

Weary of the constant yelling of Paw Paw the town folk locked him in a shed behind the hotel

The Lone Ranger: In most westerns women were notably absent or shown as saloon girls or school marms

Those seemed to be the only occupations available when they came in from the farms

The Lone Ranger had no women either just his faithful side kick Tonto

A native American he traveled with the mysterious lawman using a gun not a bow

Together they would strike fear into bad guys all over the west

Quick to dispense both wisdom and and bullets they were two of the best

The Lone Ranger 2019: Though the characters look the same, they’re portrayed in a different light

Oh they’ll search for truth and justice and give the bad guys a fight

Still dressed in tight light blue attire with a black mask and white cowboy hat

He fires silver bullets a souvenir for the undertaker after he lays the bad guy out flat

He rides a big white horse and a saddle adorned with inlaid decoration

And Tonto still says Kemosabe a lot and looks at him with admiration

Only now by the glow of the campfire after the light of the day

One might hear Tonto demanding more Kemosabe while the Lone Ranger cries Hi O Silver Awaaayyyy

0

Remembrance of Yesterday Blues

Well since my baby parked me
I’ve got a new place to dwell
It’s down at the end of Lonely Street
At Memory Care Hotel

Though the brochure seemed cheery
It’s fifty five grand a room
Warehoused dejected elderly
Try to smile through their gloom

You’ve made me so lonely baby
I get so lonely
Guess I’ll be lonely till I die

The food is to be Chef quality
But cold dinners out of a can
Can break a person’s spirit
Saving expenses is the meal plan

The healthcare seems basic
A retired doctor checks your ills
While you waste away in bed
The night staff steals your pain pills

I’m sorry your mom had to die
And my health is failing
Now your idea of contact
Is an occasional call and e-mailing

You’ve made me so lonely baby
I get so lonely
Guess I’ll be lonely till I die

0

Pucki: The Stable Mucking Elf

I suppose by now you all have seen the story of the happy elves in Santa’s workshop
Singing, dancing and tapping away all wearing their cute pointy elf hats on top
Did you ever stop for a minute about who cares for the fat man’s reindeer?
Somehow the elf H R crone assigned that job to me as my new career
I really don’t understand her notion that I’m the one who peed in her Wheaties
Maybe thinking that my sweet sugar plum bribe attempt added to her type II diabetes
Elf school is a cut throat competition as jobs are assigned from workshop to stable mucker
The brown nosing that goes on is enough to make portions of your anatomy pucker
So here I am in the busiest time of the year with my wheelbarrow and muck rake
Up to my boot tops in high octane poo and a massive whiskey induced headache
This time of year Santa brings barrels of steroid feed complete with a hazmat warning
Though the stuff is smoking when added to the ration, it keeps them flying from night to morning
Then the day after the great ride I’m charged with the responsibility and to go to any length
To nurse those worn out bug splattered prima donna reindeer back to their previous strength
Please don’t get me started on those crybabies with their belly-aching whiny personalities
Because with all the the yearly press they draw they think they’re A-list celebrities
First there is Donner, dumb as a brick but biggest by far assigned to be the team leader
But he’s always bleeting in that obnoxious nasal voice for more hay in his feeder
Next is Comet the fastest but without a special bit causes the sleigh to pull to the right
And being only slightly off course can cause entire countries to be missed while flying at night
Then the two divas Prancer and Dancer, be glad homes are playing music about mistletoe and holly
If the music were show tunes the neighborhood would awaken their bad rendition of Hello Dolly
In the harness next are the over sexed devious love birds Vixen and Cupid
Always sneaking out behind the spruces thinking we are blind and stupid
Santa still gets the Wichita parents’ stink eye because of the incident behind the toy sack
Observed by many, parents had to explain to their tykes the deer were playing piggyback
Lastly we come to Dasher and Blitzen both with bad attitudes and horrible goof offs
Their contribution to the team is trying to hog the feed as soon as it hits the troughs
Finally let me clear up one last enduring rumor, red nosed Rudolph doesn’t exist
I understand the statement is surprisingly harsh and people will no doubt be pissed
It all started years ago on takeoff Donner got his head stuck in some decorations
Once in the air there’s no turning back the radar is updated as Santa tags all the locations
Donner spent that entire night trying to shake a Christmas tree bulb out of his nose
An unsuspecting Santa was caught up in the myth and decided not to disclose
All the “had a very shiny nose” drivel sounds adorable in nursery school
And to state the truth publicly would be construed as callous and cruel
So I’m shining up the harness and bells getting ready for the big night
Just remember it’s me Pucki, who makes your days be “Merry and Bright.”

6

Let ’em Race

Another season, another Chase, another champion crowned
Adding credence to the saying what goes around comes around
Back in the day NASCAR was an afternoon of racing excitement
Now the crowds are thinning and lack of interest seems the sport’s indictment
In the past fans schemed so their hard earned vacation days were written in the company’s planners
The television cameras now show those devoted grandstand fans disguised as marketing banners
Ticket prices are high and the old camper is going to need a lot of work to be operable
Spending that kind of money for a weekend of questionable racing no longer seems honorable
NASCAR fixed what wasn’t broke and stubbed their toe on greed
A botched attempt at competitiveness cloaked as safety and the rules changed on speed
Restrictor plates turned drivers into bystanders waiting for the big wreck
No helmet flinging or slingshots off turn four, just interchangeable driver suits waiting for their check
Four or five owners control the whole shebang as their teams are always upfront
The little guys with limited sponsorship are back of the pack and not in the hunt
Think STP, Valvoline, Hardee’s, Tide, Goodwrench, Miller, Budweiser, and Purolator
Just say the name around race fans and you’ll get an instant description of those past gladiators
Nowadays their cars look like kissing cousins, the word stock car has vanished and doesn’t apply
Gone are Dodge, Buick, Plymouth, Mercury, and AMC as sponsors’ dollars are in short supply
Racing champions are coronated by some silly Chase rules
Essentially treating fans of lessor financed drivers as gullible fools
Thank you NASCAR, you’ve turned a once enjoyable hair raising competition
Into an afternoon of caution flags, boring crew chief interviews, and car attrition
The old expression of “if you ain’t cheating then you ain’t trying,”
Has turned into “I’m watching football as this thing called racing I ain’t buying”
So Boogity Boogity Boogity boys let’s have a finish under a green and white checker
As endless commercials play while tangled cars that had run in the pack await the wrecker

0

Social Media’s Crushing My Soul

Leaving the Doc’s sterile office, the exam paper left streaks on my rear
My lethargy and depression seemed symptomatic and I hoped not severe
My daily routine seemed aimless, what were goals were now dismissed
I was sleepwalking through life, working and eating but only to exist
Friendships seemed hollow, pleasure was fleeting as the world seemed a brownish gray
Hopefully the doctor could read something in my blood sample and right my dismay
I couldn’t check my personal page, look at my Twitter account or Instagram
As everyone’s got it better, has more followers, and about me not give a damn
In the past six months I’ve been friended by only four people that I don’t know
I liked something I saw so the friend request arrived to keep all status quo
The buzzing in my mind has grown louder reminding me of my inadequacy
And now I fear the persistent noise can’t be diagnosed clinically
The alcohol, the drugs, prescribed or not had only opened doors to nowhere
My tiny unremarkable life has become an unrelenting nightmare
No one notices, no one cares. The nurse only wanted my copay
So the doc can tell me nothing is wrong and to put my phone away.
But I can’t put it down, my cell has become me, I’m it’s identity
It’s my voice to all the other voices shouting at the globe’s inhumanity
It’s my umbilical cord to others meager triumphs and a channel to their hatred
The short video clips and bits of text all seem extreme, common sense negated
My thoughts begin to tumble, foreign voices and color explosions swirled
This device has become my addiction, an obsession in my private netherworld
Irrational thoughts of fame and glory have become a daily norm
My indifference coupled with lost souls’ recorded conflicts becomes a perfect storm
I’m feeling the need to end it all and find peace from the innate turmoil
Not to be understood,  my resolution makes sense to me and my mentor the phone, stays loyal

0

Did Hollywood Sanction White Privilege

Growing up in the fifties movies and television influenced impressionable minds

The images flickering across the screens produced ties that binds

Before Facebook, Twitter or Instagram, television was that era’s social media

If information was needed a phone wasn’t in play just the cumbersome encyclopedia

The politically correct industry has preached emphatically about white entitlement

The media railed against this unthinking concession with vile resentment

Social media, aspiring candidates, and celebrities decry this birthright

However, these same groups promoted this concept to keep all things white

As kids we sat in front of the black and white console clad in our Mickey Mouse ears

And watched the white t-shirted white kids sing and dance as Mousketeers

The whiteness of this group wasn’t an issue as we kids were all fans

However the brightness coming through the picture tube made us all wish for Ray Bans

Cartoon characters drawn in black were sassy cats, crows, or an agitated duck

If you were looking for a black role model you were out of luck

Amos and Andy, Tarzan’s natives and Our Gang’s Little Rascals with Buckwheat

Were stereotyped caricatures and all part of Hollywood’s quiet deceit

The entertainment industry grew a conscience after discovering a third color of green

It just may not be pure poison to show a person of color on the silver screen

American Bandstand showed bands playing both pop music and soul tunes

One realized all people could enjoy music and dance on Saturday afternoons

Weekly shows demonstrated that blacks and whites could interact

Networks added black people cast in recurring roles that had an impact

Star Trek’s Uhura, Mannix’s Peggy, and Julia all had starring roles

Give Mission Impossible’s Barney wire and a battery, he could sabotage bad guys’ controls

The pre-cable/satellite network industry flourished in the next couple of decades

However detective shows and wealthy elite sagas were best viewed through shades

Shows of color seemed to morph into thirty minute comedies of kids cracking wise

Creating a real life classroom situation that teachers grew to despise

Finally networks and movies began to show leadership roles in a different light

Corporate boardrooms seeing a depleting viewership realized all stars need not be white

Diversity became the collective buzzword to keep their investors in tow

One wouldn’t want any bad publicity leaking to the press to damage their profitable show

Politically correct agendas were trumpeted by those stepping from around the corner

Award shows became bully pulpits for high profile celebrities ranting in mock horror

Public Broadcasting lectured all with a haughty attitude preening for their pretentious fans

While watching the British comedies, Downton Abbey and Poldark through their Ray Bans

2

The Late Night Infomercial Discount Funeral Director

Hello folks, glad you tuned in. My name is Alex, your money protector

And I’m your late night burial on a budget funeral director

We know times are tough and with the price of funerals it’s easy to deduce

That ten thousand dollar term life insurance policy will soon vamoose

There’s a multitude of tacked on costs involved with the actual service

But there’s no need to feel dejected, super anxious or extremely nervous

We can fill your needs, cut the superfluous add-ons to go with what is essential

And of course keep all details of the arrangements completely confidential

You’ve talked to the local mortuary personnel and though they seemed sincere

But while explaining the extra charges they sounded like a livestock auctioneer

You see a funeral isn’t a stuff ’em, praise ’em and plant ’em situation

There are multiple choices to be made post haste in this time of devastation

We’re here to take you away from unnecessary costs in your time of need

Tell us what you can comfortably spend, as your budget we won’t exceed

If you’re financially strapped, with only the Social Security benefit of two fifty five

Just ask for the government burial special and that’s no jive

We’ll treat the remains right, you need not worry about a thing

We handle documents, the casket and with our boom box memorial angels sing

The ceremony is quick, efficient, easy on the pocketbook so all is good

The casket is sealed with caulk and made from genuine plywood

Our Econovan is shined and polished to transport the loved one to our own cemetery

If pall bearers are in short supply, we have a jeep with a winch on stand by if necessary

If you prefer cremation we also offer special arrangements way below market price

Why pay thousands when our budget service will more than suffice

Finally we offer to those in economic hardship our bottom line no frills plan

For thirty nine ninety nine we handle business as only we can

The burial is in our compost pile with our twice yearly turnover guarantee

Our own fire pit is used for cremation to keep the details hassle free

The body is covered with remnants from our casket workshop

Two cans of lighter fluid are ceremoniously sprayed over the top

Words of tribute pour from our blue tooth speaker as the pyre is lit with a keepsake lighter

A souvenir to save in these difficult time to make things brighter

So give us a call when times are trying and money is tight

Dealing with death is bad enough but cleaning your savings out shouldn’t add to the fright

2

The Killing of Major League Baseball

We are here to bury baseball not to praise it, the end came hard and fast.
It was determined the pace of play caused the game to breathe it’s last.
But the efforts to accelerate play wound up slowing the contest down
“Live in the moment, “ the sports psychologist say. “Unsnap your gloves and fiddle around.”
“Think about the pitch, achieve proper launch angle, swing through your predetermined zone”
And as strike three sails past you can blame the ump for calls blown.
Oops, time to change the pitcher, the starter has worked five innings and thrown eighty nine times
Sure he has a three hitter in play, but working the sixth would rank high in heinous crimes
Now we get that hallowed righty/lefty match up, much to the advertisers delight.
Two more pitching changes, twelve more commercials and this game goes to midnight.
Six more strikeouts, one home run and a bunt attempt call at first needs a review
Cut to the drug ad, beer ad and new car trash talk, and the fans are starting to boo.
The camera focuses on the backsides of three fat umps standing in a group
One has a head set, one stares at the booth and one looks into space like a nincompoop
The days of Sparky Anderson in a rage and Earl Weaver nose to nose are a youthful recollection
That game could hinge on the ump’s eyeball call and the ensuing fracas might lead to ejection
But now the headset ump removes his earphones signals the call as ordained by New York
Sure he doesn’t have to wipe tobacco juice off his face, but now a conformist dork
The announcers as if on cue, are quick to point out this is for the benefit of all involved
No emotion, no dirt kicking, no offering of eye glasses, just a shrug by managers, situation resolved
The broadcasters can go back to killing their listeners with needless pointless stats
“This player hits better after two strikes against Latino pitchers with runners on base using black bats”
Whatever happened to swing at strikes, put the ball in play and hit it where it’s pitched.
Sadly that idea went the way of affordable tickets, two dollar hot dogs and was ditched
The game is now a stream of steroid enriched behemoths hitting two thirty swinging for the fences
Hit a couple of long balls by the fourth before the parade of arm weary relievers commences
The thrill of the teacher rolling in the TV and watching the World Series is gone
It’s a shame the playoffs are played in arctic chill till the wee hours of the dawn
Staying up late now means playing endless rounds of Doom on your Play Station
No father son talk of stolen bases, moving the runner, or pitching rotation
So Baseball go ahead, sell a colorless diluted product while giving players million dollar deals
When no one is buying into this lame excuse of the Grand Ole Pastime, see how that feels

2

The Last Can of Green Beans

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It was the day before Thanksgiving and everyone was to gather at Granny’s
The kin folk would be elbow to elbow and packed in all the crannies
The banquet is a traditional pot luck buffet spread on a long oak sideboard
The plates and silverware are next to the crystal pitchers of drinks to be poured
The room would be sweltering as Grandpa would have a fire going and the yule logs ablaze
Everyone would be hugging, head rubbing and shedding the festive sweaters worn for the holidays
The work day had been hard, half the staff waited till after lunch then ducked out early
The phone had rung constantly, and the wait time for clients left them surly
But the long weekend was here with just one task that needs completing
My famous green bean casserole always received rave reviews by all who were eating
The recipe is from a soup can and not highly thought of in the world of cuisines
The process is is simple, a can of soup, french fried onions, a little milk and a can of green beans
The dish can be assembled now, baked in the morning and served for dinner
Carried in an insulated bag, the fifty mile trip means the food arrives hot and me a winner
Snapping on the light, opening the pantry with the neatly stacked cans and grasping at air
The realization of no green beans produced a startling scare
Last weeks guests had been served the last green beans covered with crisp bacon
But knowing the corner grocer would have a can left me unshaken
Back in barely creeping bumper to bumper holiday traffic left me muttering to myself
The ten minute trip lasted forty five only to find no green beans on the shelf
Also none at the bigger market four blocks farther, or the drug store, or the big box food mart
The fact I hadn’t checked my meager grocery inventory hadn’t been smart
Panic was setting in, the thought of a hot dish casserole had begun to dim
When Friendly Tom’s Gas and Go glowed in the headlights, perhaps pickings might not be so slim
Entering the store and glancing at the can goods, there it sat
In all its giant green glory and me grinning like a Cheshire cat
Triumphantly dropping the can on the check out counter and feeling good to be alive
Friendly Tom cocked his eye and casually stated, “fourteen ninety five.”
Sensing shock and anger, Tom calmly stated. “Take it or leave it.”
Instead of Black Friday, Tom has Price Gouge Wednesday for items hard to get
The ten minute trip had turned into a three hour ordeal with me getting fleeced
But I had my prized can and my specialty will arrive in time for the feast
Thanksgiving morning went well, the dish looked great and traffic a breeze until the detour
An RV rear ended a farm wagon, jackknifed blocking lanes and covering all with manure
Adding twenty miles and forty five minutes the short trip had become a speed limit run
Dashing up the steps,I hoped my disheveled look would be forgiven as the prodigal son
The family was holding dinner nodding sympathetically hoping my distress to console
As I placed my now cooled dish next to one over baked turkey and thirteen other green bean casseroles

0

Want Ad Translator

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It was Sunday, the paper’s heavy and the Classified section thick

Bills  are due, employment was needed and not a lot of room to cherry pick

Some new employment want ads might be a possible opportunity

A new posting even shows a job hiring in a nearby community

Closer inspection reveals the job description might need translation

Years of experience helped peruse the ads to avoid future frustration

Certain phrases hoist the red flags and should be discussed during the interview

Notices always promises stability, excellent conditions and part of a progressive crew

However what is written and real life might be the difference of night and day

A  quick look at some of the phrases might eliminate frustration and paycheck dismay

Fast Paced Environment: Meaning you’re in over your head from day one

As we have no training program you’ll work slavishly until deciding cut and run

Must be Flexible: We are short staffed, our place is a mess, you’d better be good with a broom

Oh and three days a week, be early as you’ll be mopping and scrubbing the restroom

Must be accurate: Pay attention to every detail, have positive attitude, and be highly organized

Our manager is a nit picker, tattles to the boss for minor infractions, so you will be scrutinized

Huge Opportunity for Growth: We’re broke and have only twenty four dollars in our bank account

An immediate need for you to land three huge clients within the week would be paramount

Must be a Team Player and able to Multitask: We are undisciplined and have no faith in our current staff

You’ll fill in when a deadbeat doesn’t show up, you’ll do his job and yours, but first you need a polygraph

Salary Commensurate with Experience: This phrase means we’re not planning on paying the new employee squat

You better be willing to work long hours for the minimum,  if expecting more wear clothes that make you look hot.

Years of want ad followup has led me to these conclusions, the job just might not be as the ad appears

So I’ll tell the unemployment lady I’m still out looking and have myself a few more beers.

                                                                                                                                

 

0

Dog Shadows

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Entry was easy, the unlocked window nudged up without much strain

Stalking slowly muffling claws on the hardwood, these people must be slain

Carol’s eyes snapped open, there was that rhythmic clicking sound again

The house is always quiet, then the soft rustle and movement in the den

Greg was out of town, another sales seminar and won’t be back until Friday

Cassie, her two year old asleep in her princess bed three steps down the hallway

In the faint light she glimpsed the dark shadow of some dog like beast

Her mind screaming, ‘it’s just an illusion, not a ghost of a brute long since deceased.”

Cracking open her door trying to quiet her pounding heart and shaking knees

She took a deep breath to regain composure hoping to see nothing causing her to freeze

The light swept down the hall revealing nothing. Then came that low soft growl

She thought she’d heard it before, like a warning from an animal on a prowl

Feeling the hair stand on her arms, she gently called Cassie’s name

“Cassie, oh please baby don’t be playing some kind of game”

Trying not to panic, Carol’s mind feverishly worked for this to make some sense

Maybe this is a dream started when that wolfish dog charged the fence

It was an early fall day, and the three of them had been on a walk around the block

When hateful Mr Guyler’s gargantuan mutt Simba had rattled the pickets and lock

After the dog had terrified the family, Greg started a petition to have Simba put down

Mr Guyler was outraged screaming at Greg, “just who was he to throw his weigh around?”

The court ruled in Greg’s favor that Simba was a nuisance and needed to be destroyed

A hysterical Mr Guyler was led away, the eyes of the jurors he tried to avoid

“You people don’t understand, “ bellowed Mr Guyler. “Simba was more than a stray”

“ He’ll be in your nightmares, your lives, your children’s lives, you’ll have hell to pay”

Now two months later the torment has started, two are children missing, only clues blood and glass

There are no additional traces, no weapon, no ransom note, no footprints in the grass

Mr Guyler proclaimed his innocence, his dog had been destroyed, he had nothing to add

Now it was just Carol to fend for her baby with a flashlight. The only weapon she had

“Dammit Greg your self righteous gun control rhetoric is not doing me any good now”

“We’ll have a discussion on this, we need to consider what kind of weapon you would allow”

Snapping on her light and pushing open Cassie’s door the beam revealed the glow of yellow eyes

Carol saw her baby was gone, a wail formed on her lips, in her mind the clarity of one who dies

The creature launched at Carol with unimaginable speed, fangs bared and a banshee shriek

She felt it’s claws hook her chest, her throat was torn away, her blood lapped by this ghoulish freak

Suddenly the monster lifted it’s head, sniffed the air, crashed through the window and was gone

The house was still again, the only noise was the tick of a clock and the sputter of sprinklers on the lawn

0

Today’s Instant News

RcdK6nXc9Back in the day when newspapers were current and TV offered clips from hours ago

We were able to believe what was reported based on belief in the media’s say so

If we saw it in print, on the screen, on ink and paper or from the anchor’s chair

You knew the facts were truthful as they offered up the who, what, why, when and where

In today’s society all has changed, the news is controlled by conglomerates chasing the buck

Integrity has been replaced with half truths, innuendo, and sensationalism run amok

The former journalism students were schooled to provide unbiased reporting

The news would be fair and balanced without personal opinions distorting

Now the channels need to provide instant updates on mundane subjects as breaking news

Quote anonymous sources, slant the facts, and find a new fall guy to abuse

No longer report on the journalism basics of who, what, why, when and where

Just be aware that your corporate employer is watching both you and the market share

So lets take a look at reporting in today’s world of the five W’s

In an attempt to capture the ratings it has become standard practice to play fast and loose.

Who: Collectively send the entire team out to destroy the Republicans and Donald Trump

The reporting industry is still smarting from the election and looking like a chump

Like battered boxers they’ve come out of their corners swinging for a knockout

Their heavyweight contender was a ten to one favorite and to have won in a rout

The corporate employers poured praise and money into their loser’s campaign

They failed to realize that the opposition spoke to silent voters in language considered plain

He traveled the whole country speaking clearly and won an election considered unwinnable

The fact that he won at all was a shock to all democratic boosters and a loss unthinkable

What: A strategy has emerged to take down this outside boisterous impostor

A call to arms has been issued to attack the administration and cause ill will to foster

Challenge every attempt at campaign promises creating illusions that nothing needs fixing

Paint that glorious skewed picture of the previous years to get people reminiscing

People are gullible, shallow and malleable as mass media is positive of that fact

Holler long and loud and everyone will be sure the election was rigged and the Russians hacked

Why: The why is easy, credibility has come into play as the wound is open and raw

The democrats are scrambling, their old guard torpedoed, they fear their last hurrah

GE, Disney, Viacom, Time Warner are upping their game to make logic appear antiquated

Their contributions now for naught, they must make conservatism appear contaminated

The white bread college professors are under the gun to spew venom from their insulated world

Between the academic lectures and media onslaught voters will follow, liberal banners unfurled

When: The rallying cry is now and into the future, new blood must be solicited and found

A new up and comer must be programmed on the liberal closed minded policies to expound

The media needs to regain control of the voters and brainwash with the drivel they sell

Done immediately the voters will fall in line and ignore the rat they might start to smell

Where: Everywhere one looks, on your phones, on your screens and in your newspapers.

Make sure it’s understood the world is probably going to end as quoted by the doomsayers

Be the lemmings march to the cliff and prepare to blindly follow where the media leads

Thinking is discouraged by the mass media, their propaganda promotes the ignorance on which it feeds

0

The Wheels on the Bus

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When in society was it decreed that one should love all of humanity

Has mankind decided to overrule human nature with this insanity

Evolution has seen to it that all living creatures are not going to get along

This behavior is for permanence and can’t be judged as right or wrong

To survive creatures attack and sometimes devour other critters

Demonstrating why many animals don’t have a single offspring but have litters

Numerous young won’t make maturity as their very life is a gamble

What’s lying in wait, an overhead shadow may mean death before the desperate scramble

Humans have long known this, they had a daily fight for their existence

Weak and slow they only survived through their persistence

They fought other families, tribes, predators and elements

Before discovering strength in numbers and formed protected settlements

Instinct was to distrust others on sight and of different behavior suspicious

To foolishly drop one’s guard could cause one to defend an act intended as malicious

Through the passage of time civilization has evolved but not much changed

People born into a certain group had their destiny prearranged

Their gender, race, religion, economic standing all factored into the final combination

If your birthright hit the right number of marks your life wouldn’t be one of exploitation

The civil rights of the 60’s fostered a change by government authority

No longer could a group be denied liberty if they were a minority

Brave people marched, sat-in and came together protesting their lack of rights

Facing water hoses, snarling dogs, and murderous riders of the knights

Minorities of all races, religions, and genders then became equal under the law

Gone were colored water fountains and side entrances to theaters’ balconies as government oversaw

Unsmiling, club swinging crew cut cops were ordered to show sensitivity

All races were subjected to a constant barrage of political messages touting objectivity

Bussing sent reluctant children to schools redistricted by well meaning planners

Looking for an instant acceptance, forced integration was figured to provide the answers

The draft and Vietnam helped produce understanding by sharing water, food, blood and grief

The effort to stay alive and return whole formed a bond among many albeit brief

As the war wound down and disappeared into the the rear view mirror

The government vision of integration and anti bigotry became a lot less clear

Peace time made for a re-dedication to the principle of money and getting ahead

There was not a lot of thought to humanity as the worship of the dollar became widespread

Groups that had like positions in society tended to seek the same neighborhoods

While the government regulations and decrees continued to sell the same bill of goods

Little did the controlling powers realize that the color of money changes everything

A feeling of accomplishment, a paycheck, a small vacation can put moods on an upswing

From board rooms to manufacturing jobs, people want a purpose and pride in life

A secure job not living week to week and a positive daily routine can ease the strife

As jobs disappeared overseas,  service management and white collar jobs remained

Leaving a wide gap of workers to fill entry level and menial jobs for the untrained

Further training to acquire higher paying jobs meant an additional expense or to enlist

With no additional money to spend or four years taking orders the idea was dismissed

Even high school diplomas don’t advance workers in entry level jobs far or fast

Working forty hours a week to bring home a grand a month, the money doesn’t last

The man climbs on one’s back to grind him down and keep him there

There’s no fast money or reality television lifestyle just misery and despair

The social programs pay just as well as entry level, just a matter of manipulating forms

An over worked social worker probably won’t come around to see everyone conforms

It’s easier to collect government pay than washing the linen from countless hotel beds

Money is just as green and spends as well regardless if from an employer or the feds

Work ethic, family values and scholastic pursuit became a sign of weakness

Without a trade or education the want ads became an unfocused vision of bleakness

Pop culture celebrates an alternate lifestyle of violence and drugs at high decibels

Dangerous but rewarding the world is a lot simpler than toiling away with paper and pencils

Being baddest became a much sought after trait, people would treat one with respect

Gangs were formed and territories’ aligned, an area that the group must protect

Life has gone back in time to defend one own from outside forces

The leaders assigns his people their duties, rules are implemented that the group enforces

Any interference from the outside is meant with suspicion and should be shunned

Be ready to stand one’s ground, fight for your territory, and don’t be out gunned

Law enforcement is only around to enforce the government’s racist policies

The cops aren’t trusted, they’re just an arm of the man’s bureaucracies

If all else fails while protecting your turf or venting frustrations it’s easy to pull the r-card

Once labeled a racist an elected official will not be held in high regard

An easy way to keep enforcement from one’s business and control of one’s domain

So the politicians look the other way as it’s easier than having to explain

Why you’re not a racist, why the good policies failed, why people can’t escape

When birthright determines one’s standing, life becomes difficult to reshape

Playing the cards that were dealt is an easy a path to follow

But throwing one’s life away by the 20th birthday is a hard fact to swallow.

Not realizing until late that the thin line of opportunity is gone by forty five

Upward mobility is all but over and one is there only to survive

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The Christmas Bonus

 

Continue reading “The Christmas Bonus” →

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This Is The House Where Genetically Modified Products Dwell

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This is the House where GM products dwell

This is the juice
That was in the House where GM products dwell

This is the child
That drank the juice
That was in the house where GM products dwell

This is the tumor
That killed the child
That drank the juice
That was in the house where GM products dwell

This is the seed with labels defiled
That caused the tumor
That killed the child
That drank the juice
That was in the house where GM products dwell

This is the company salesperson with slanted facts compiled
That sold the seed with labels defiled
That caused the tumor
That killed the child
That drank the juice
That was in the house where GM products dwell

These are the shareholders hiding from law suits filed
Hiring company salespeople with slanted facts compiled
Who sold the seed with labels defiled
That caused the tumor
That killed the child
That drank the juice
That was in the house where GM products dwell

This is the seed company the knowledgeable public reviled
Bowing to the shareholders hiding from law suits filed
Hiring company salespeople with slanted facts compiled
Who sold the seed with labels defiled
That caused the tumor
That killed the child
That drank the juice
That was in the house where GM products dwell

This is the White House with campaign contributions stockpiled
Given by the seed company most often reviled
Bowing to the greedy shareholders hiding from lawsuits filed
Hiring company salespeople with slanted facts compiled
Who sold the seed with labels defiled
That caused the tumor
That killed the child
That drank the juice
That was in the house where GM products dwell

This is the once proud farmer now sowing contract GM corn
Watching the sun reflect off the headstone in the glow of early morn
He had signed the seed company’s indenture so there was no other recourse
If he attempted another seed product the GM lawyers would be there to enforce
Wishing he wasn’t planting seed developed as some lab’s brainchild
A broken man he barely functions, his grief can not be reconciled

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Reality TV: Election Edition

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Through the last 60 years America has embraced some form of Reality Television

The public has become so blasé this form of entertainment played into this year’s decision

Let’s take a look at this concept and see how it may have applied from shows over the years

Perhaps future campaigns might eliminate debates and turn to programming as electioneers

CANDID CAMERA: Have a person sitting with kids holding pictures of candidates and Peppa Pig

The kids would all vote for Peppa if given the choice because the man was wearing a “cheap wig”

And they said the lady looked like Sally’s mean old Aunt who had recently departed

Then they all rolled about the floor and giggled uncontrollably because little Johnny farted

QUEEN FOR A DAY: Four women have to tell their tales of woe to the studio crowd

The winner is the hopeful who’s eruption on the Applause-O-Meter was the most loud

Hillary, Carly, Jill and Lynn all had a shot at their own brand of commiseration

Each story was accompanied by pleading gestures and anguished tears for voter consideration

Hillary was the clear audience choice winning in an outright landslide

Shady land deals, failed foreign policies, missing e-mails and may be criminally tried

She definitely seemed to surge to the lead while the other participants cried

The remaining women had grievous stories of struggles and suffering on their way to the top

But the Applause-O-Meter needle pegged as Hillary’s story was cream of the crop

THE DATING GAME: A comely miss would ask gentlemen questions to determine her date

The answer would aid the lass in determining with whom she could best relate

“Bachelor #1, If on a date you grabbed my genitals how should I respond?”

“You should feel honored,” answers #1 “As I am a big fish in a small pond.”

The young lady shocked by the last answer advised, “My next question is for Bachelor #3.’

“If you were a married President and I was your VP’s daughter, would you sleep with me?”

“Yes I would,” said #3. “And any woman that looked at me twice.”

“Just be in my vicinity and I would consider that an attempt to entice.”

COPS: We’re riding With Sergeant Ellison of the DC white collar crime division on patrol

He states, “Trying to bust the real bad frauds and cheats is our main goal.”

On for years“Bad Boys Bad Boys” the catchy theme for the program goes

Unfortunately for DC there’s not enough investigators to decide who to depose

SURVIVOR: This game pits contestants against each other under inhumane situations

The camera angles have to be precise as to not show today’s catering truck presentations

This current edition pits Clinton against Trump in mudslinging warfare

As it turns out, after a year and a half neither seemed the worse for wear

AMERICAN IDOL: Judges get to pick the contender singing the sweetest guarantee

Regrettably the judges deadlocked as both challengers were continuously off key

THE AMAZING RACE: This show pits two entrants competing  shouting catch phrases

With photo ops and angry speeches trying to win the Nation’s peoples’ praises

Each nominee schemed and then decided on a different path to win the race

The winner went out and beat the bushes, the loser didn’t leave her metropolitan built in fan base

AMERICA’S GOT TALENT: A timed event to amaze judges with their talent in nothing flat

Both candidates were gang buzzed inside ten seconds and we’ll leave it at that

THE APPRENTICE: The President Elect interviews potential Cabinet hopefuls he wants hired

Only this time serious damage might be done before he gets to say “You’re Fired.”

THE BIGGEST LOSER: Hopefully this show won’t turn out to be the American voters

As betting on a long shot is usually only championed by carnival snake oil promoters

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The Other Parade

img_0882The people crammed the sidewalks early in the morning

They had dressed warmly heeding the freeze warning

Every exhale was seen forming a misty cloud

Partially due to cold, partially due to chili dogs sold to the crowd

Anticipation built as distant sirens and drum beats sounded

The buildings on each side of the street created a chamber as the wail resounded

The first high school band carrying a banner strutted into view

From Cedar Rapids they were making their network debut

Behind them were six cowboys on horses twirling ropes and waving to the masses

And hoping the noises from the backside of their animals were just gasses

Then came the first balloon, an updated version of last year’s Underdog

Modified to look like Trump with giant loud speakers, small hands, inane tweets and dialogue

The sound was very loud so no one would understand what was said

But yell loud enough and no one would know the balloon was in over its head

The red hatted parade employees worked hard to keep the figure from sending tweets not clever

As most of it’s tweets were caustic replies to critiques from its latest endeavor

Passing the stand where the Bushs’ sat he saw they had dropped trou and were shooting him the moon

Causing one nun, a red cross bell ringer and three brownie scouts to swoon

Behind the floating gas bag was a Stones cover band playing “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.”

How true that is but the Trumploon didn’t listen to lyrics and seemed nonchalant.

A couple of hyperbole throwing, high profile media seekers followed close behind

The first convertible had Rudy Guiliani, he was New York’s best mayor, he was quick to remind

He was early to the staging area as he only had to walk from his cot at Fox and Friends

He’s always on the show to advance his agenda and comment on current trends

The next was another large blimp, no wait it is a flat bed pulling Chris Christie

He’s waving to the crowd wearing that scowl that makes him look both angry and prissy.

The next zeppelin was a weird female figure doing a shoulder shimmy with a forced scripted cackle

Looking regal in her sequined pantsuit she kept yelling to the millions of illegals she would unshackle

Hilloon liked flying above the crowd, she couldn’t relate to commoners but could still yell “Unite”

But she couldn’t stop for a second as the somewhat wimpy FBI balloon might indict

Hoping cutsie catch phrases might hide the crimes she couldn’t overcome

As the figure hurried away, the crowd couldn’t decide if she was running for or from

Strangely it seemed that more people waved to the Hillary balloon than the one of Trump

But the Trumploon appealed to more states causing the Hilloon to look like a chump

This was followed by another Stones cover band playing “You Got The Silver I Got The Gold”

The Hilloon made a lot of money over the years but its downfall were the emails it tried to withhold

In a convertible behind were a group of obnoxious celebrity personalities

All pretentiously puffed up espousing their own brand of ill informed banality

Finally just before Santa Claus came the Bernie Sanders balloon giving away lots of free things

Free college, free housing and income into the crowd he flings with no attached strings

And sadly the young were screaming for more free stuff in order for them to succeed

The last band playing “Gimme Shelter” in keeping with songs from the Stones album Let It Bleed

As the last gas bag passed it became apparent, they were slowly deflating

A year and a half barrage of insults and finger pointing had become more than irritating

Finally just before the crowd dispersed came Santa drinking heavily from a flask filled with booze

With enough liquor calming himself from the noise of politically correct boos.

And urging on the tractor to speed up a bit while mushing his fake reindeer

He didn’t want the children to see the glistening tracks on his cheeks made by his tears

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Gobbler Strike Force

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It was the Tuesday evening before Thanksgiving and the store lights went dark

“Time to move out if you’re with us,” said 24-6 the clans’ patriarch

“Our army has dwindled but our giblets still have heart.”

“We’ll fight till our red buttons pop. We can get her back if we do our part.”

“Sir,” little 10-4 piped up, “18-4 and 16-2 have both been taken.”

“Casualties of war sonny,” said 24-6. His nerves unshaken

Their plans drawn up, their objective for the raid was 19-6

The exquisite hen with large rounded breasts and to die for drumsticks

The information 10-4 had obtained late at night after the store had closed

Showed the address on the store rewards card could be approached unexposed

So the small band of raiders checked their gear and set about their mission

They had sliced off their plastic wrap and were ready to battle their opposition

Quietly they scuttled across the floor and through the receiving doors

Dashing past the parked trailers and rendezvoused by the grove of sycamores

The band of raiders raced on under the cover of lost and found camouflage

Dragging behind them meager supplies,  they took cover in the shrubs behind the garage

They had brought the store’s hand truck, a chain of plastic bags, and a box of dog bones

Standing on 24-6’s shoulders, 10-4 quickly cut the lines to the house telephones

“Quiet! Someone’s coming,” hissed 17-3. Covered with the camo the group fell silent

The family of the house passed. No invader moved as a clash to get violent

The people piled into the car and left for a Thanksgiving parade

The band thought the house empty and hadn’t figured on the live-in maid

The first bird crashed through the window holding dog treats and the plastic chain

Using the hand truck as a catapult, 24-6 was firing his squad inside, only he would remain

The chain uncoiling down the side of the house showed all were inside

“We’re trying to get her now,” whispered 17-3 prying the cooler doors not to be denied

The doors popped open and there she was in all her enticing beauty

“Come on, no time to explain,” as two others grabbed the bewildered cutie

Suddenly a high pitched growl and a burst of light illuminated the area

“What’s going on in here?” screeched the maid her voice tinged with hysteria

A dinky teacup Yorkie barked frantically at the nearest pale white invader

The maid fearing the worst, grabbed the nearest weapon, a rotary cheese grater.

Bitch slapping the yappy dog 17-3 hustled 19-6 back down the chain

To get her out now and leave no one behind was their goal to obtain

10-4 threw a large bowl of jellied cranberry sauce at the maid

Another raider slammed the box of bones over the dog’s head to stop the noisy tirade

With no casualties the band of of marauders slid down the chain and into the night

Stopping briefly to catch their breath before heading to the appointed spot to reunite

Ain’t never seen seen nothing like this, thought the overweight detective

It seems to steal a turkey was their only objective

The sauce spatter pattern indicates the sauce was thrown from this spot

And the berry stained catatonic maid couldn’t tell us squat

Still holding the grater she kept mumbling about little white ghosts

With the dog stuffed with bones this crime scene is difficult to diagnose

Shaking his head looking at the mutt lying in a pool of slippery red sauce

He eyed the chalk outline of where the maid had slipped, logic at a loss

Looking at the store receipt for a large 19 pound plus turkey

His thought process as to motive proved more than a little murky

Later with 19-6 standing wing in wing under the tall tree called Old Hickory

24-6 was heard to say, “ I love the smell of cranberries in the morning. It smells like victory.”

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Chicago Sanitation: Only The Beautiful Need Apply

img_0827The casting call was on page eight of the entertainment section

Please submit a head shot and resume for inspection

An upstart company was trying to compete with television success

Another city based drama should be what the audience requests

So the casting would be done based on the customary blueprint

Get semi known people with varied levels of acting skills and make a mint

The script calls for team interactions while trying to keep out of each others’ way

But all the on camera regulars must be beautiful stated the interoffice communique

Local sanitation Teamsters 893 wouldn’t have anyone working not svelte and chiseled

People with substance abuse, relationship issues, poorly dressed may be old and grizzled

The cattle call was placed and went to all the unemployed actors

Current resumes, photos, and previous gigs were to be determining factors

The cast was to be assembled with a black candidate as the local team leader

Her job was to be tough yet empathetic and a bit of a mind reader

The powers that be are now happy as the cast will appear diversified

And that should keep the people that watch for those things mollified

You won’t see another black person unless in the background and barely on screen

The rest of the cast will be eight white guys, one Asian and one Hispanic ex marine.

Two women will also be included, one a blond and one of mixed descent

The personalities will evolve with one turning out to be a murderous malcontent

However each and everyone will be dazzling right down to their pearly whites

The men must look exceptional with their shirts off and the women in shorts and tights

One never knows when tossing a garbage container they would need to strike a pose

As many a lonely housewife or husband dreams of a sanitation worker with no clothes

The show is cast, many of the regulars straight from underwear ads

Mannequins that speak, in keeping with the network drama fads

Disasters, interoffice turmoil, and job setbacks will be thrust upon the crew

All will be resolved in 52 minutes unless there is to be a part two

The weekly dramas will continue in story lines continuously retold

A kidnapped asthmatic child locked in a dumpster and left in the cold

The drug deal drop point was a can emptied into the hero’s truck

The phone threats stating the drugs will be returned or a fan favorite is a dead duck

Of course the romantically involved regulars hilarious attempt at hiding their lust

When and where the first hookup took place is a bet by the team often discussed

Run the show as a summer replacement and notify the advertisers to buy commercial time

If it doesn’t hit right away throw in some nudity and watch the ratings climb

The crime, grime and raging libidos continue like clock work for sixteen weeks

Regardless of writing, subject matter and overall critiques

Television executives possess no imagination as shows aping shows continue forever

Copy the one show displaying some initiative, a new twist or something clever

Variety shows, westerns, detectives have all ruled the airwaves at one time or another

Flip the channel in any decade for six of one and a half dozen of the other

Currently good looking actors man every professional job under the sun

No one considered plain can ever carry a stethoscope or badge and gun

Someday the burned out public will have had enough and tune in NPR

Now that would be something unheard of and truly bizarre

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Deplorables 1 Media 0

img_0860The polls opened at seven but the line had already formed

They were there to vote even though the press had called them uninformed

They came from the back woods, small neighborhoods and farms

They were the once proud working class, called deplorables now up in arms

They stood in the cold speaking in low voices

Probably wouldn’t have voted at all given the choices

These were the silent people ignored by the government

By the powerful elite claiming  behind closed doors they were transparent

They had been called racist, sexist, homophobic among other things

But to be looked down on by some soft pious ex first lady really stings

They were broken and bent from years of hard labor and military service

And the fact this person might step on their rights made them nervous

Some didn’t choose to join the military they went as they were drafted

Once discharged they went back to their jobs but VA healthcare left them shafted

They endured the hardships and the cold treatment they received

It seemed like a fixable problem but the wait time for doctoring went unrelieved

The military and home life had taught them with all people to coexist

But now they were called racist and that had them pissed

But they didn’t riot, interrupt traffic, or wear causes on their sleeves

People have a right to their opinion if in the Constitution one believes

This wasn’t a vote of a woman against a man

It was against four more years of a failed national plan

This was against a photo op person in a Cubs hat trying to look cool

When all knew she’d be hard pressed to explain the infield fly rule

She seemed ill at ease in any location surrounded by citizens

As some might not actually share her far left visions

Because these deplorables knew for sure there was no free lunch

So they came out on the cold morning to throw a desperate counter punch

They stood on crutches, in wheelchairs, and leaning on canes

To sign the forms or make their mark in spite of their pains

They couldn’t win, said the press. They didn’t have a chance.

We’ve got it in a walk, lets all prepare for our victory dance.

Somewhere birds are singing, somewhere children shout

But there is no joy in Washington as the mighty Media has struck out

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Time For Dr. Dan: The Late Night Discount Cosmetic Surgeon Man

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Friends, we’ll be right back to the show. Hello and welcome, Dr Dan here

Do you wish upon waking in the morning your youthful looks would reappear

With the help of our newly remodeled Discount Cosmetic Surgery, you can

Whether you’re tucking in your mommy floppies or own a rear the size of a sedan

Our trained staff at the clinic can turn your current look into tomorrows beauty

So you can have the divine figure, more hair and a jaw dropping booty

Don’t forget to ask about one of our many legendary discount specials

We offer our popular two for one deals that covers the essentials

Guys, our hair clinic can add hair Daniel Boone might want to skin

And we can liposuction that beer belly to make you look thin

For you ladies we can pull up those boobs to again point the way

And tighten the chin and crows feet to keep Mr. Age at bay

If your face needs a little tweak or a complete renovation

Call the 800 number on the screen for more information`

Think your budget can’t handle looking good

We offer plenty of discount specials when you think you could

Our expert specialists can transplant hair one at a time

After a $200 deposit each follicle implant is only a dime

That tattoo your ex boyfriend said would be a good idea

Who’s now doing hard time and gave you gonorrhea

For just a few dollars, we can laser it off with little pain

You pay only by the inch and we won’t leave a stain

Our low cost Botox will make your lips look like bratwurst

Your date won’t be able to turn away when those lips are pursed

Tired of your neighbors talking about your schnoz challenged daughter

Saying she could breathe through her nose while submerged in water

With our easy payment plan she’ll have a nose like a pixie

And when we say we can do that we ain’t whistling Dixie

Finally don’t forget about our biannual Moonlight Madness Sale

From seven to twelve our fabulous bargains will prevail

Discounts are huge and prices are slashed

So open that coffee can where that mad money is stashed

Because our $59.99 turkey neck special is first come first serve

Give yourself the radiant look you know you deserve

One lucky grand prize winner gets to reach into our Basket O’ Breasts

To receive a free pair of gently used implants from one of our upgraded guests

These implants like the rest of our procedures all carry a 90 day guarantee

Should you not be 100% satisfied we’ll replace them for free

When it’s time to refresh yourself, after age takes its toll

Come see us and by the way,  Hablamos Español

There’s hot dogs and sodas for all who stop by

Why not just once reach for the sky

Give us a call, the number is at the bottom of the screen

So you can once again be stepping out like a king and a queen

0

The Walking Dead Tired

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The twice a year, government mandated jet lag is being forced upon us

The puppet masters are demanding the population be out of sync so everyone adjusts

It’s time to reset every clock in 48 states for no apparent reason

To ignore the command like not paying taxes would be considered treason

The switch from Daylight Saving Time to Standard Time is happening soon

So the evening rush hour in sudden darkness is a body shop boon

The children are still standing at the morning bus stop in the dark

It’s just as black when the afternoon soccer van pulls up for them to disembark

Forget about the massive efforts, time, and cost to change every clock

The audit of company information checking the mythical hour provides sticker shock

Four hundred thirty four million is a number provided as loss in productivity

All forfeited over a hundred year old senseless activity

But this clock setting exercise in futility is not without its’ charms

Blow dried smiling local news people get to advise to check your smoke alarms

Morning rush, meetings and appointments are all in a slow motion haze

While the government sends out pretentious messages singing the praise

Cows and chickens set their day by the sun not their time pieces

The farmers hate the time changes as their stress increases

This idea was instituted in the early twentieth century

The reason behind this notion was very elementary

This was a way to conserve power when the days were longer

From a fiscal sense the use of daylight made the idea stronger

This was before international trade, computers or air conditioning

The world’s move from agrarian to industrialization was transitioning

Twenty four hour business and seven days a week communication

But we, the sheep continue to change our clocks with out further legislation

Time changes were implemented and regulated to aid our forebears

Now our seething tempers diminish after a couple of weeks so no one cares

Heart attacks, auto accidents, and psychotic reactions, all indicate time change stress

With zombie like precision the clocks are set as the government requests

This will change as it always does, when a pregnant politician

Gives birth at 1:47 am the day of the spring forward edition

The twins will be born thirty minutes apart at just the right hour

To make the bleary eyed staff person typing the records cower

The records will show the time of delivery of the first born

Is actually after the second twin due to the hour of the morn.

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Little Ankles

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The hidden mouse hole in the vent under the bed was just large enough

His eyes glittered in the dark while he slid through as it wasn’t rough

The storage box on the floor provided cover and a good point of view

For the mouse that was recently by there looking for something to chew

The bed springs above creaked and and he heard a small voice call for Mother

Alert, quietly sniffing the air, waiting for a mouse or something other

The door swung open with a cheery voice and the rustle of a house coat

The bunny slippers looked so real. “Maybe I could strike quickly at the throat.”

But the long legs in the rabbits would be a challenge and hard to digest

Thinking better of an attack,he put down his head and continued to rest.

Then above him, he sensed motion, a smaller movement then the one in the door

The springs bounced with a cheerful noise and the little ankles landed on the floor

Only these feet were small and delicate as were the legs, a definite possibility

“Something that small would fill my void and is well within my capability.”

The young voice asked. “Mommy after drinking my milk can I go out to play?”

This conversation happening only inches from where the big reptile lay.

Then a smooch sound a giggle and the little ankles were lifted away

With his tongue flicking, the long vigil resumed waiting on his prey

“Honey, what is this?” the young mother asked looking looking at the vacuum can

She was looking at several oblong objects each looking like half a pecan

“Why on earth,” the husband asked. “Are you sorting through the vacuum and dust pan?”

“I’ve been finding these under the bed and behind the settee.”

The young mother continued. “They look like droppings of mouse poo to me.”

The husband took note and noticed the shape and mumbled he might agree

“Okay,” he said. “We’ll find us a good exterminator man.”

“One that will come out just once and not try to sell us a long term plan.”

“You might have a problem a little bigger than mice.”

The uniformed man spoke to the mother while holding a trap device.

“I’ll put a few of these out and head down to your crawl space.”

“Not to alarm but I’ll carry my bag and snake hook just in case.”

He took a while under the house, she could him cough and wheeze

He then appeared with cob webs in his hair and dirt on his knees

He held one long snake skin in his hand that draped to the floor

“This is all I found I didn’t find anything more.”

“The snake might have moved on looking for something to eat.”

“When they don’t have a reason to stay they have a tendency to retreat.”

“So you mean it’s gone?” Asked the woman in a voice tinged with fear.

She demanded, “I want it gone or killed and none anywhere near.”

“I think it’s gone I can’t tell for sure, but I’ll seal the cracks so it can’t get in.”

“That should be the last of him and I will dispose of this skin.”

“But I’ll tell you a secret that you may have thought out.”

“Most homes unless really closed up have a snake or two without a doubt.”

So he caulked up the cracks on the outside and all along the baseboard

Anyplace around the house the slithering animal might have explored

“I’m sure that’s got it ma’am your house is now tight as a tick.”

“If any small cracks develop a shot of silicone sealer should do the trick.”

The young mother paid for the service, relieved the work was complete

And to not have to worry about what was crawling near their feet

That night after putting her daughter to bed and turning out the light

She didn’t notice the lump under the stuffed bear looked not quite right

Under the happy bluebird sheets the lump started to uncoil

The sheets were tucked in very tightly causing him to toil

Tonight the little ankles were his, where he had hidden still and unseen

As the little feet came into view, he wanted to wish all Happy Halloween.

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The Politically Correct BBQ Boy

“Hello Sir and welcome to the The Porkalooza Pit House.”

“And what can I get for you and your spouse?”

The young man looked all fancy and neat in his white shirt and paper hat

Little did he knew he had crossed the new kind of American always ready for a spat

“And what makes you think this is my wife,” the customer snapped.

The startled young man glanced up, feeling he had just been trapped

The surprised look was all the customer needed to turn up the heat

And in just a matter of time he knew he’d have some new material to tweet

“Because of your obvious lack of training let me enlighten you on a thing or two,

And then you might know something other than how to make stew,”

“This is a different world sonny,” said the customer. “People now are easy to offend

“You’re probably making eight bucks an hour and on a road to a dead end.”

“It also bothers me you have an American flag flying out front on the pole.”

“Why not flags of other nations?” he snarled feeling as he was on a roll.

“Sir if I may,” asked the server. “Could you place your order please?”

“No, it doesn’t please,” mimicked the man staring at the chalk board.

“Give me two of the number twos,” said the man in an effort to sound bored.

“Is this it for the menu or is number two the specialty of this greasy spoon?

And hopefully to whatever diseases are jumping off the plate I’ll be immune.”

“Two number twos coming right up,” said the server. “For here or to go?”

“Well to go now,” growled the customer. “Because you’ve been nothing but slow.”

“I see your restrooms are closed for repair, so we are now reduced to using the Port a Can?”

“For my partner to use, it better have paper, smell fresh and be spic and span”

“While we’re waiting I suppose this alleged food comes from an environmentally unsafe farm.”

“You park a lot of hogs together and the surrounding area suffers great harm.”

“And what if I was a Muslim? Would you still offer meat from an animal with cloven hoof.”

The customer was now raising his voice sounding indignant and aloof.

“Well,” replied the server.” “We don’t get a lot of Muslims here.”

“The last one in was just lost and needed to know which way to steer.”

“Are you being smart with me?” snapped the customer clearly annoyed.

“Keep that attitude up and I’ll see you’re unemployed.”

“Is this going to take all day? I’ve got an important meeting to attend.”

“I know that is hard for someone like you to comprehend.”

“You see I’m trying to help the underprivileged and poor.”

“It’s trying to defeat the elitist attitude of some I deplore.”

“You see the time has come for progressive thought in this land.”

“We’re standing up for the poor people and making the demand.”

“That those people in low income housing, working in jobs paying poor wages.”

“Will get better pay, better homes and health care exchanges”

“So speed it up there boy,  look alive, I’ve got to leave.”

“As dealing with incompetents like you is a pet peeve.”

“Let me check in the back,” said the server.”To see how long it will be,

Because making important people wait is not my cup of tea.”

Returning in just a couple of minutes the kid was almost beaming

“Alright here you go two number twos hot and steaming.”

Grabbing the bags the couple stormed out without a thanks

The young man laughed out loud at one of his better pranks

“Don’t come in to our place acting like such a louse,

Cause the sign out front might say Porkalooza Pit House.”

“But my dead end road stopped just inside the Port a Can.”

“Where the two number twos were scraped off the proverbial fan.”

0

Fluoride

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Did you hear crazy Uncle Charley died today?

They laid him out all neat and fancy in a suit of gray.

In his last few years he didn’t make sense, his brain was mush

But as looney as he was he never forgot to brush.

He was always healthy, only drank water, and flossed his teeth.

So he died at fifty eight, looking real natural under the wreath.

He always heard he’d have great teeth by drinking water with fluoride.

Little did Charley know the rumor was glorified

When the airplane aluminum industry in World War II

Found a manufacturing by product was starting to accrue

They could only use this toxin to kill so many rats and mice

So they called on a company scientist for some much needed advice

The company knew it couldn’t release the poison in the atmosphere

There’d be law suits a plenty and the good company name, some would smear

So the company scientist thought of a plan to dispose of the waste

“We can put in the drinking water where it can’t be traced.”

He found a few experimental  rats didn’t have much tooth decay

And this could be a way to lead the population astray.

You see we’ll tell them this chemical hazard is good for you

People will celebrate and bid their cavities adieu

And we as a company can double our sales

We’re feed them the pitch and embellish with tall tales

We’ll get a high profile lawyer to agree with the plan

Pay one the right money and he’ll promote the sham

So communities everywhere were able to rejoice

Praising the fluoride all in one grateful voice

So for sixty or seventy years Americans have drunk the great hoax.

A little daily dose of environmental hazard won’t hurt you folks

Forget about the fact that your brain will begin accumulate

All the amyloid plaque the poison starts to stimulate

It doesn’t start late it starts in the womb

With the mother drinking water as much as she can consume

Giving up her favorite drinks, worried about the baby’s health

When the only thing accomplished was adding to one company’s wealth

The poison is in the baby’s system from day one

The future of the child’s mental capacity has begun

And don’t let your kid be healthy and play outdoors

Cause to stay hydrated, the poison drunk really soars

Now this hazard does nothing to make your water safe to drink

It takes thirty of forty years so no one sees the link

Not many older people remember a crazy grandpa or grandmom

Most sharp as a tack and very productive until time to embalm

Sure there was an occasional relative at the kids table with a bib and a spoon

But by-product water was not their mental cause before howling at the moon.

The rapid rise in dementia is terrifying to most

Since it’s a cumulative process, difficult to diagnose

So have a glass of water while studying the stats.

But better yet give it back to the rats

Or join Uncle Charley so serene on the slab.

All due to 1930’s experimental vermin conducted in a lab.

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The Paper Cut

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I was grateful for this part time job, the pay was okay, and liked the people there

But the monotony of filing and proof reading reports was sometimes hard to bear.

The third cup of coffee was ineffective and my eyes were slowly closing

The sales numbers report to be delivered tomorrow wasn’t keeping me from dozing

Trained as an accountant and twenty five years of service, I was let go for a company down size

With bills to pay and kids in school, waiting for a full time gig seemed unwise

The shift was over in twenty minutes and the printer collator was on the fritz again

The contract service person was to be there but no one knows when

The presentation was to be completed by close of business day

Or a report will be filed in your personnel jacket much to your dismay

All was plodding along as expected when one of the sheets sliced through some skin

It wasn’t deep or long but some blood fell on the report and began sinking in

“You need to take that to a doctor,” said the office manager appearing like an apparition

“That’s not a suggestion,” she said all puffed up. “Now go see a physician.”

“I guess that since this is going to cost I’ll be covered by workman’s compensation.”

“No,” she said. “We don’t have enough full time employees to need that regulation.”

“Great no Workman’s Comp.,” I thought. “Not only no lunch break but no insurance.”

‘Don’t worry, they’ll probably band aid it.” She stated with her toneless assurance.

The doc-in-the-box was right around the corner next to the Quik Snip style store.

Stepping out of the car and over the chewing gum, I went through the glass door.

The woman behind the glass frowned. “With no insurance you need to pay in advance.”

“That’ll be seventy five dollars,” and still hadn’t given my wound so much as a glance.

So I wrote the check and thought that was half my pay for the week.

So I sat in a hard plastic chair smelling of alcohol and hair boutique.

I left the dog eared magazine for fear of six months of cooties jumping on me.

“Sir if you hang up your phone, you can come back now,” said the NP.

And from the attitude I knew right away she was not my cup of tea.

Her hair was spiked and her nose piercing appeared inflamed and infected

And a misspelling of one of her tattoos appeared to be corrected.

“So let’s see this little cut,” she said sliding a lamp over her head

The light shone on the cut and a dark spot was on the wound where it had bled.

“Hmm,” she hummed. “This dark spot may be dirt or possibly a cause for worry.”

I’m sending you over to the GP this afternoon, I hope you’re not in a hurry.”

“But I can’t afford another doc.” I said trying to be civil and not sound like a jerk.

“You’ll need to go,” she replied. “He’s right around the corner and then you can return to work

I can’t give you a note as there are tests needed here and you haven’t been cleared.”

“Damn,”I thought. “This little paper cut is starting to add up to much worse than I feared.”

The next office, three blocks away appeared to be nicer than the one before

The carpets were clean, the chairs padded, and no greasy smudges on the door.

The receptionist seemed cheery enough behind her sliding glass and jar of pens

“I heard you don’t have insurance,” she smiled looking over her reading half lens

“We received a call from your last visit and we’ll be sending your blood sample to the lab.”

“The lab we use charges $175 we need the check up front,” So far no one’s glanced at the scab.

So a heavyset woman in too tight scrubs took a large amount of blood to fill a vial

Then slapped a super hero band aid over the tiny cut and waddled down the aisle

“Am I going to see a real doctor,” I asked the nurse while buttoning my shirt

“Not today,” she replied. “ We had a patient come in that was really hurt.”

“And I see by your chart you only paid for lab work and didn’t pay for a doc.”

“Just as well,” I thought as I left the office. “I didn’t want to put my car in hock.”

“We’ll call with the results,” she said. “And here’s a note to get back to your business

And remember to sanitize your hands to ensure you didn’t pick up a sickness.”

So two hundred and fifty lighter I sit in my stifling hot car turning up the air

“It’s all stacked against the little people,”  I thought. “We get by on a wing and a prayer.”

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The Toad and The Peacock

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The Toad and The Peacock

The croaking sound heard up and down the road

was the noise of a oily green female toad.

She spoke as she hopped, an expert on everything

She promised prosperity, while passing out taxpayers’ bling

“Follow me down the road and I’ll make your dreams come true.”

She spoke to all as if they were her children that didn’t have a clue

“Racial harmony, free healthcare, and fifteen an hour

This is easy to do when you put me in power.”

And hopping right beside her is the man who would be king.

Once a bitter enemy, he was now her puppet on a string

With a phone, a pen and a wave of the hand

He’s made it his mission to see how much debt this country could stand

With all the full time job losses, no raises and company cut backs

He’s leaving a federal debt that might make the toad squirm in her slacks

But she smiles on knowing she’ll make the job creators pay her tax

And besides in true Democratic fashion she owns all the super Pacs

“But goods will be cheaper to the poor,” she argues. “Due to NAFTA product,

And if that’s wrong the FBI will clear me of any misconduct.

So follow me to the election.” said the oily green pant suited toad.

With her minions in tow, she hopped along but suddenly slowed.

Coming into view on a collision course came a strutting peacock.

And right behind him was the giant mass of his hat wearing flock.

“We’re gonna make this country great again,” the rooster crowed

Oh you’re the great visionary, save us now, the praises overflowed

“While solving all your problems, we’re gonna build a wall”

“And our neighbors to the south will pay for it all”

“But what if it’s made out of paper mache?” a woman began to bawl.

“Get her the hell out,” the peacock snapped. “She’s got a lot of gall.”

“How dare I be questioned” cried the rooster. “I’ll send out a snotty tweet.”

And for his believers he spread his feathers bathed in his conceit.

“Well lookie who’s here,” crowed the peacock.

“It looks like crooked toadie crawled from under a rock.”

“Do I hear the great slum lord?” shot back the toad.

“The bird of broken contracts, bad manners and hair air blowed.”

“I see you’re back from your Hamptons’ vacation chalet.

What was rent this time? 100K?”

“Those are mighty nice digs for someone who is dead broke

Are you trying to sound like a regular Joe or just blowing smoke?”

Croaked Toadie, “Let’s worry about the world and your ban on Muslims

They’re just looking for opportunity and you stop them at Customs.”

“No worry about you.” said the bird. “America thinks I’m great.”

“I can’t wait for the debates and I’ll set you straight.”

“The debates will show inexperience,” croaked the toad. “And all will remember

When it comes time to cast that ballet in November.”

One thing is certain, stated the bird. “You and your spouse

Will not have another chance at affairs in the White House.”

So they both cried at once, “In order to keep the faith

Vote for me on November Eighth.”

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Sometimes You Have To Eat The Skunk

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The gentle updraft helped propel the vulture ahead

It was breakfast time and he was looking for something dead.

He’d seen a possum yesterday by the side of the road

But it was gone, “We ate it all,” the ravens crowed

Damn birds always sneaking around and eating someone’s lunch

“Oh well,” hoped the vulture. “I guess I’ll settle for brunch.”

By dinnertime his wings were tired and his stomach starting to growl

By now he wasn’t choosy just hoping for something not too foul

When a dot caught his eye by an outcropping of rocks

“Oh good, hopefully that’ll be a nice fat fox.”

But as he circled and expanding his wings for a landing

His feet touched something soft, he came to a repulsive understanding

Why no other animal was feasting on this piece of fresh protein

It had wide white stripe and the overwhelming stench of chlorine

But his stomach was howling and though it truly stunk

Caution went to the wind as sometimes you have to eat the skunk

Such is the same with all life, just like every couple

The everyday annoyances of life they learn to juggle

Life is never smooth there are many patches that are rough

The wise will say it’s those patches that makes one tough

Some foolishly rail on over a broken nail while others not enough to eat

To most it’s the everyday routine that knocks them off their feet

Starting in the morning with the slow brake tapper in the fast lane

Putting the finger waving tailgater on your bumper shouting something profane

And finding in your car park that someone’s taken your spot

So you park fifty yards away in the gravel and dirt auxiliary lot

Stepping gingerly through the chewing gum, broken glass and dog poo

Hoping you don’t bring a souvenir to the office on your shoe

Tedious morning meetings spent trying not to look down a co workers blouse

Or you’ll be accused of having elevator eyes and branded a sexist louse

Here’s a clue for those displaying cleavage and then acting offended

Use that second or third button for what it is intended

Days are squandered tapping into phone menus and watching the computer buffer

Nodding to your boss’s impossible quotas with breath that would make a fly suffer

So you stare at the floor nodding, trying to avoid the breath

That certainly could cause seizures or maybe even death

The days roll on precise in their monotonous routine

Your lunch goes missing as do your stamps and tape by thieves unseen

There’s no paper in the toilet and someone’s peed on the floor

Five can’t get here quick enough to beeline out the door

The road rage appears again in the sweltering afternoon

This time it’s a pickup being driven by a drunk looking goon

But he drives on satisfied that you know you drive like a blind old granny

And you drive on laughing that fluid was pouring out of his tranny

You arrive home just thankful that you don’t trip over any of the kids’ toys

When your wife approaches and asks you to see what’s causing her car’s noise

So you’re back in the hot garage muttering “Who would’ve thunk

That there are many days in life where you have to eat the skunk.”

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