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A Daily Observer in Bad Poetry

Humor in Daily Life, Politics and Sports

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Humor

The Shark Tank


Duh Nuh
The two note sound echoed off the ocean floor and resounded through the coral sending the alarm
The Bloomberg Shark (Stoppus friskus) eyes opened wide while hoping for no additional harm

The Bloomberg Shark from the BS family had been dropping many clams on his private campaign and became an easy target for a harpoon
He’s hoping not to be added to the ocean floor where the bodies of short lived candidates are strewn

Duh Nuh Duh Nuh Duh Nuh
The notes were stringing rapidly together meaning more hungry sharks were in the neighborhood
Carefully peering around the wreck of the the sunken ship The USS Society to see as far as he could

Surprisingly the noise seemed to be coming from another member of the BS family (Oldus geekus) the Biden Shark.
A former serious predator now reduced to bottom feeding as his campaign had not been a swim in the park

Relieved the Bloomberg Shark relaxed for a minute not worried about a vicious attack
Now mostly toothless having to gum his prey he’s not capable of much more than talking smack

Duh nuh Duh nuh Duh nuh
Now the notes were coming from the port side of the wreck
And there he was another BS predator the Buttigieg Shark (Accompli nadas) swimming over the top of the poop deck

Accompanied by his husband a member of the blow fish group and full of his own sense of pride
This shark was hoping to shred the Bloomberg animal and in his favor turn the tide

The Bloomberg Shark was further startled when a pale white shadow appeared above the kelp
It was the shrieking opportunist Warren Shark (Taxus richus) taking bites out of every shark in the area hoping every tooth mark will help

Cruising past and making incoherent noise was the Bernie Shark (Freeus allus) the largest BS of all tailed by a huge group of adoring sardines hoping to be forgiven of all their debts
The naive little fish would be surprised to see what their vote really gets

Finally the voters of the South Carolina caucus will realize they’re gonna need a bigger boat
All this mayhem to harpoon the Great White Whale (Deplorus patriotus) with their vote

Hoping for new leadership to stir up the prevailing ocean sediment
To quote Moby Dick “It smells like the left wing of the day of judgment”

TV Commercials BD&AD


Growing up in the 50’s and 60’s TV commercials had a different tone
They were aired to catch your interest and not offend with what was shown

Who doesn’t remember the product sold when you hear “Mother please I’d rather do it myself” or “My bologna has a first name.”
But then along came a commercial that changed the whole ballgame

The advertisement showed two women walking in an idyllic setting on a sunrise beach discussing why one doesn’t feel “fresh” enough
“Pam” one says as the water laps over their feet. “Sometimes I think I smell pretty rough.”

To which Pam goes on to praise the new product she uses
She continues to rave about the ease of use and the sense of confidence the product produces

It seems it was a douche commercial that opened advertisers’ eyes
Suddenly the gloves were off and for any malady no matter how disturbing there was a product cure for a spokesperson to advise

So now the commercial world can be classified before douche and after douche or BD&AD
BD commercials were as always hard sell but without all the side effects hooey

However BD commercials’ catchphrases would probably have completely different connotations for AD products sold today
The “put a tiger in your tank’ slogan could be used to end erectile dysfunction dismay

And “I can’t believe I ate the whole thing ,” when the person is the size of a minivan
Would now be a commercial for a weight reduction plan

This new age of loathsome advertising might have been avoided when the original two women strolling along the sandy track
If in their conversation Pam had turned to her companion and said, “it’s not you it was that dead jellyfish we passed about 100 yards back

Lonely Dog TV

The things I do to get a treat, oh the humanity
I’m not quite sure if it’s love ’cause it borders on insanity

I’m supposed to roll over and sit up and beg for a chemical tasty treat
If you really love me, ditch anything packed in cardboard or paper and give me meat

Now I’m supposed to be a really sweet boy and be grateful for this insipid TV channel
Not to mention this tight fitting very hot stupid looking sweater made of flannel

If you really want me to to be your loyal companion and look at you with adoration
Then coughing up the bucks for the doggie channel bundle would be my recommendation

This one channel of a bunch of stoned looking boomer dogs and 24/7 relaxing mood music gives me the squirts
So if you want to save money on the expensive puppy pads give me the channel bundle featuring dogs of action, current doggie headlines and mean spirited cat perverts

The bundle includes this elevator music channel, a dog reality channel, a news channel and scripted shows all in HD.
There’s also a dog accessory channel and if I could read a credit card and work a telephone I could go on a serious spending spree

On the reality channel of PLF(Puppy Love Forever) I can watch The Stud Bachelor
Where one lucky dude gets to date all the bitches while trying to avoid the dog catcher

Or I can watch FGT (Fido’s Got Talent) when after a heartbreakingly sad story about growing up a mongrel on the streets, the contestant wows the overwrought judges with unique tricks
And even if the show is bad, it beats picking ticks and fetching sticks

The scripted channel shows include This Is Our Litter about sibling puppies of two Golden Retrievers and one Doberman Pinscher
The Doberman the obvious smart pup helped his overweight sister out of many jams but getting her out of the hula hoop stuck around her waist was the season clincher

Also on is the long running NCIS (National Canine Investigative Squad) the show that never goes off the air despite killing off most of the cats in the area
Though it seems to be the same show week after week it does quell a dog’s fear of stopping the cat terror organization hysteria

Finally to stay abreast of breaking news there is the HDHN (Hound Dog Headline News) delivered with sincerity by a shapely Afghan Hound with long blonde tresses.
Though the news doesn’t have to be accurate, the fact she looks good wearing only a flea collar is what impresses

So add that extra twenty five to your already outrageous satellite bill and I won’t use the sofa as a chew toy
And anything else in the ten hours you’re gone I can destroy

Top Secret Documents Revealed

IMG_1038Recently during a sweeping of the House Floor, the cleaning staff uncovered some top secret documents

These apparently came from a drunken democrat passed out at his desk after losing the impeachment arguments

He was found in a fetal position producing only moans and spit bubbles while covered with what looked like a torn up speech

He thought a last gasp vote might remove that trespassing oaf from office but the final tally proved out of reach

But as he was rolled over these forms were trapped between his briefcase and his flask

It seems as a member of a secret voter registration committee he had been assigned a task

Found in a pool of sweat were documents to relocate individuals claiming refugee status

Promised was a better life, healthcare and unemployment benefits all issued gratis

There was also a document to be signed that read “antes de obtener todas las cosas gratis usted debe registrarse para ser un demócrata”

Also included was a temporary work visa and a plane ticket to Imlay, Nevada

Roughly translated the statement says, “before you get all the free stuff you must sign up to be a democrat.

This figures a way to eliminate that vile Electoral College and let the republican party be a political doormat

The map shows distribution points for individuals claiming refugee status like product leaving a packer

All are sent to battleground states and followed on phones and computers by the democrat developed app tracker

Ensuring in a short time the red states now in majority will turn blue

And the progressive objectives of government dependence will be the rule and the dream of apple pie and American flag will be through

Asian Imports = Possible Risky Business

With all the talk of trade imports and exports it might be time to look at what is imported from Asia
Most imports are welcomed to improve quality of life, yet some offer only invasive, sickening and frustrating fantasia

The kudzu vine was imported and praised for it’s fast growth, brought in during the Great Depression it was thought to be a cheap savior for erosion control
That was before the vine swallowed the countryside, phone poles and rumored to have eaten a slow moving deputy sheriff on patrol

Asia wants all consumers to believe they export high tech electronics such as TVs computers and phones to be bought
But just don’t drive your Daewoo to a car dealer expecting a good trade in value for something else on the lot

If someone couldn’t get a good deal on their gently used car then they could surf to work on their hover board in their business attire
Just make sure your route to work passes a fire department as your pants would probably be on fire.

A while back it was all the rage to have an alternate exotic pet like a big Asian snake
So people rushed to buy and the pet distributors brought in hundreds and when the snakes got too big for the aquarium they were thrown in the lake

Unfortunately the snakes continued to grow, had no natural enemies and ate everything that moved
Since they camouflage well and reproduce rapidly, specialists are now hired to go into the swamp to have them removed

Allegedly the corona virus currently spreading world wide like wildfire was incubated by eating bat soup
Apparently the kitchen cooks in an effort to serve food fresh didn’t completely cook the poop

So it was ingested to the intestine where opportunities for virus growth dwell
And suddenly, sadly the phrase was heard. “Holy bubbling soup cauldron Batman, I’m not feeling so well.”

Meghan’s Tupperware Party

IMG_1025

Welcome to my house, my name is Meghan and I’m new to this neighborhood

I thought this Tupperware party might be a good way to meet everyone like a new resident should

I appreciate y’all parking around the U-Haul trailer and stepping over the string attached to the garden hose post

As the queen of this new house, today I’ll be serving as your host

We’re a small family and are really trying to adjust to the area

We yearn to live the quiet life away from all the hysteria

So please make yourself as comfortable as you can. The furniture just arrived from No Credit Rental

As soon as we can swing it, I’ll bring in newer furnishings so please don’t be too judgmental

I hope you brought your check book because I have some exciting items to show you

They’ll make your life easier in a lot of every day tasks you need to do

The first piece I’d like to show you is this heart shaped baking dish I use for Harry’s kidney pie

Presenting your partner with heart shaped food might just turn you into his “special” pie in the sky

Next I’d like to show you this handy divided dish that Harry uses for his fish and chips

Since his new job is an Uber driver, he has to eat on the run to not miss any tips

Finally I’d like to show this wonderful new casserole pan perfect for my recipe of bubble and squeak

I think my secret ingredients make it better, and there’s no in law here to critique

So feel free to look my samples over and thumb through the handy fliers

Hopefully that should turn you into happy neighbors and satisfied buyers

And as you leave, I’ll ask you again to be careful stepping over the string attached to the post for the garden hose

It leads all the way to Harry and is tied to the ring I have in his nose

To Kill A Talking Bird

The prosecution crowd was strutting in, it had been three long years
The man on trial wasn’t one of them, conjuring up their worst fears

In spite of their futile efforts, a new trade agreement was adding another achievement
“That’s not possible, he’s not good for the country.” They all cried boosting their bereavement

“But we finally got him, this ought to end his presidency.”
The fact the previous attempts at a coup bears no relevancy

Not caring their dog and pony show was beginning to look like a third world puppet regime
They were willing to give impeachment a shot so they could again reign supreme

The articles of impeachment were delivered by the trial managers marching across the Capitol looking like refugees from a PacMan game
Even though no one was home at the Senate the managers’ foolish parade appeared to produce no shame

The hand picked managers were to be a diverse group with two traits they all shared
The weasel, a Latino, two black people and a couple soon to be blue haired

The attributes in common are disdain for the American people and their hatred for the President
Taking this man down was their disturbed goal and not caring about the voters they represent

They’ve sharpened both their pencils and their teeth to grill the defense advocates
Hoping the same trial evidence and one new questionable witness won’t be found inadequate

Perhaps the trial after all does have the ability to anger the nation
When the citizens realize the proceedings preempt Days of Our Lives and are forced to watch reruns on the Super Station

I Fear No Weather In My New 4X4

 

Finally the moment I’ve been waiting for the wind has picked up and the weather reports forbidding
The roads might go slick with ice and could start cars skidding

The weather forecasters were in agreement, their highly touted high resolution radar does foresee
There’s a chance of sleet, slush or snow if the temperature varies by just a degree

I did what any red blooded male would do when a cold front was moving through
I checked my new SUV for gas and the fridge for an ample supply of cold brew

And to impress the little lady, I pulled around a ladder and swept out the gutters
I also checked the weather seals on the windows and oiled the hinges on the shutters

“I think you’re in overkill,” stated the little lady. “Especially with that big ladder you’ve been dragging.
Besides we shouldn’t have a worry with all the money you spent on that new station wagon.”

“It’s not a station wagon,” I snapped. “Show me a wagon with 355 horsepower and four wheel drive.”
“Whatever,” she countered. “Even without it we have plenty of Spam and would probably survive.”

“But what would happen if a medical emergency happened,” I said. “And someone went into labor?”
With all the eye rolling she could summon replied. “This is a retirement community name someone under 75 who is a neighbor.”

“Ah,” I responded. “You forgot about the mass stampede to the grocery store for milk and bread.”
“Well that would solve our problem,” she grumbled. “You’re lactose intolerant and I’m gluten free. We’d both be dead.”

Antiques Roadshow


The politicians are gathering at the Iowa Convention Center and telling the voters what they are worth
Pretending they have all the solutions, can save the country and are the salt of the earth

It appears the frontrunners are not spring chickens, their skin sags and their knees creak
They need glasses to read from a teleprompter so a foggy brain doesn’t cause them to misspeak

Most had to Google Iowa to find if an educated civilization exists and it’s geographical whereabouts
By using various browser searches they were able to determine needed information and the shortest in and out routes

The usual suspects were assembled minus a few that couldn’t generate much interest
Those missing came to the stunning conclusion that outside their circle of toadies there’s really no donating elitists

Most of the leading candidates had to use the handicapped entrance and each had a so equipped suite
The rooms were equipped with doors that opened only to the left and knee pads to continue their worship at Schumer and Pelosi’s feet

The Barbie and Ken of the feckless geriatric set, both crave power by running the House with an X in the center box
Causing Republican legislation to barely crawl as partisan votes are a unanimous bloc

Both the expressions of the Speaker and Minority Leader never change and are devoid of humor
Their faces are frozen as if out of hemorrhoid cream showing a constant grimace those of Pelosi and Schumer

The former Vice President Biden is in the Atrium claiming his vast experience will give Trump a scare
But first he needs to be near a twelve year old girl so he can smell her hair

Bernie Sanders is checking in next, a friend to all the struggling little people evidenced by the fact he can’t afford a comb
But also making sure he has a direct route out of Iowa to his nearest multi million dollar home

Since her beer chugging, kin to the Indians, and horrific healthcare costs didn’t work out there’s a new sound coming from Elizabeth Warren
Blasting her opposition and big business at every opportunity her open door policy on immigration now has her chameleon personality speaking Ecuadorian

So they’re here in Iowa to woo the caucus voters with all their rhetoric and bluster
While the middle of the road Iowans try to act engaged with all the civility they can muster

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