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Sometimes I Feel Like my Butt Is Hanging Over the Pool At Gatorland

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For those that don’t know Gatorland is an old school Florida attraction

The main show involves a man leaning over a pool of hungry gators holding a chicken having faith in his reaction

The alligators come about five feet out of the water to snap up the whole fryer

The man on the platform is held in place by a thick leather strap should a body part the jaws acquire

Chomp

In today’s uncertain times I feel like it’s my butt hanging over the lagoon

Venture out for any purpose and the cancel culture is there to rip you apart and leave body parts strewn

Join the movement, protest and destruct while hiding behind Black Lives Matter

Or be labeled a white supremacist and the movement serves your head on a platter

You’re be required to love all as you would kinfolk

Anything different, mayhem and violence you’ll provoke

It’s of little consequence the person you’re to love is a callous lawbreaker

Unable to hold an entry level job, contributing nothing, paying no taxes, only a welfare taker

The elected pearl clutchers caved into the demands of the angry masses

They shouldn’t have been surprised by crowd size as it gave the unskilled a reason to get off their asses

The everyday workers will bear the brunt of the demands in huge tax increases

They’ve been grinding it out for thirty years now sadly watching as their golden years savings potential decreases

Chomp Chomp

Meanwhile the news media is having a field day with the pandemic updates

Warnings scroll across the screen as new hot spots spread across the states

The dubious expert first advises to not worry about wearing a mask

Two weeks later he’s changed his tune wear one now. So why now? You’re not allowed to ask

They’re the authority, their invented title and pompous attitude says so

And since the public are gullible sheep and unable to think they’ll talk real slow

Keeping a low profile is the order of the day

Shop quietly, tend to medical needs then stay at home out of harm’s way

With the mostly vacant streets the protesters are now free to congregate and make their stand

Waiting for the media’s arrival to mug for the cameras and list their demands

It’s a vicious circle to say the least creating a perfect storm

As one winds up feeling like he’s dangled over the water by the man on the platform

Chomp Chomp Chomp

0

Goodbye Aunt Jemima, I Only Knew You As Good

Goodbye Aunt Jemima, I only knew you as good
Your label meant quality only now misunderstood

Those easily offended decided your image needed to be removed
A corporate decision to ingratiate your product in the black community and race relations are improved

Your icon a while back by a board room decision had been modernized
Your now dark skinned June Cleaver depiction again needs changing as self righteous indignation has the nation paralyzed

So we’ll package your superior quality and once proud product under a different label
Just so we can serve the same ingredients on the breakfast table

So when the new sterile packaging is complete
Your next step will be to take care of the chef on Cream of Wheat

And in the end when the expense of repackaging and distribution it will require
The tremendous cost will be passed on to the cost conscious food buyer

It won’t stop here product names will continually change lest a group be offended
Spineless corporations will inevitability bow to vocal groups as reality is suspended

Gone is Mia, the Land of Lakes maiden. “She was representing sex trafficking,” the offended would boast
That’s exactly what I thought of as I spread that delicious goodness on my toast

Next in line is that summer treat Eskimo Pie
Another example of good intentions gone awry

Most are not really sure how an ice cream on a stick can be that defamatory
However in certain circles the term Eskimo refers to raw meat eaters and that is considered inflammatory

And so it goes, pick a product and someone will be upset
Familiar product names will change over night due to some group’s threat

After brand names, will the outspoken groups go after produce?
There will be no stopping now, all will change, it’s easy to deduce

Grocers will be cautious of profiling not wanting to imply the black race could be associated with the term watermelon
So be prepared for the produce aisles to be advertising specials on aqua fruit before there’s a rebellion

0

Getting Used To It

The bills keep piling up higher but the pile of laundry has gotten smaller
I’m rationing my last six pack as my household budget is down to the last dollar

The stimulus check promised a month ago allegedly is in the mail
I’ve tried to log on the see when it is arriving but to no avail

The refrigerator is only cooling last night’s leftovers but the freezer is packed
The news media spreading the constant panic caused my spending to over react

I haven’t shaved in a week and my shower towel is still clean and dry
I’ve been in the same clothes since the first of the month since I’m not in the public’s eye

Besides if you’re not going anywhere the clothes you have on have not been infected
When my temperature was read during my few ventures out no high readings were detected

The pollen on the car has turned it yellow as it hasn’t been cranked in days
And the brittle wipers smeared my windshield into a filmy streaky haze

The price of going somewhere is cheaper as gas is less expensive than it has been for years
Since traveling is frowned on maybe it’s payback for all the former holiday price gouging profiteers

Doctors’ appointments were canceled and asked they be consulted over the telephone
So previously they were just going through the motions when the listened to the heartbeat, peeked in your ears or in your eyes a light they shone

However the grass is cut and multiple chores have been done around the house
Reading and internet searches have been accomplished all the while trying to stay off the nerves of my spouse

This is happening while the country slowly tries to open back up and lose some mandated restrictions
Experts everywhere are quick to second guess all decisions as a failure hoping they’re right just once in their predictions

2

Noah Should’ve Washed His Elephants

Noah, obeying the word of God was assigned a huge task
He did what he was told, he didn’t bother to ask

He was to build a big boat 300 cubits long
Built of gopher wood it needed to be strong

After building the ark with a mallet, wooden pegs and and a saw
There shouldn’t be a problem when the animals arrived that he foresaw

Unfortunately as the animals marched up the ramp two by two
Noah didn’t have a bucket, a long handled brush and a couple gallons of flea shampoo

In his hurry to stock up on salamander food
And gather fresh saplings for the beavers that hadn’t been chewed

He let the elephants and other animals trudge on board with ticks and fleas
Noah didn’t have time for a bug check as he was preparing for forty days of sailing the seas

He had his shot to rid the world of those pests
But he had no control of what was on board and treated all like guests

While he was at it though a guardian at the door to control roaches, lice and mice
And a few less poisonous snakes would have been nice

0

Practicing Social Distance in a House of Ill Repute

SSSSphaaaplop, it was a sound I’d grown to despise as another loaf of spam hits the pan
I’d been sheltering in place, the urge was building, and I’d come up with a plan

Three weeks of stay at home left me anxious and stir crazy
I’d grown tired of of the complaints about watching reality TV and being lazy

I’ll show you lazy, tonight under the guise of boat hunting I’m going to Madam Cherie’s Fun House Emporium
That’ll make up for three weeks of close quarters and a married bliss moratorium

This area had very few Corona cases and not considered a hot zone
So when no one was looking I put on some spandex briefs and slapped on some cologne

Nothing appeared to have changed as I pulled around the house of clapboard
Parking under the same holly I followed the weathered sign that read All Aboard

Met at the dimly lit entrance by the now mask and glove wearing Seymour the greeter for many years
He told me I could go right in but there was a limit of ten customers due to virus fears

Cherie herself was working the transaction booth behind a new sneeze guard
She stated that due to the pandemic there was only one activity available and handed me the number five card

She said she had to let most of her staff go as her regulars stayed home and times were tough
She said Dixie and Peaches were the only escorts left but they really knew their stuff

So I sat in a stackable plastic chair that smelled of Lysol as the velour sofas had been taken out
My apprehension grew as the noise from the back grew louder and seemed to end in a horrified shout

Apprehension turned to panic when a disheveled number four stumbled out the door
He looked like he’d fought a mountain lion had lost and was shaken to his core

“You’re next,” said Cherie. As I entered the room there stood Dixie and Peaches holding a Slurpee cup and a Hoover
Peaches explained that in normal times the the six foot wand attachment was used as a cob web remover

She also explained that they only used one attachment with the wand but it had a soft bristle tip
Then they laid me back on an easy wipe stainless table covered with butcher paper and told me to unzip

Too frightened to argue I did as I was told and with a flip of a switch the vacuum was fired up
The wand quickly gobbled up Mr Happy my underwear and a bouquet from the washstand while Dixie made squishy sounds with the Slurpee cup

That sound was quickly drowned out by my screams of agony from the wand’s relentless extraction
“Enough,” I shouted terrified Mr Happy would spend the next six months in traction

Mumbling a thank you to Dixie and Peaches for flattening my curve I lumbered toward the exit sign
Positive that eating fried Spam at home for as long as it takes would be just fine.

4

Please Listen Carefully as our Menu has Changed


I’m calling my doctor as these coronavirus alerts have become relentless. Blaring 24/7 on all my devices has left me in a fog
The auto message picks up immediately stating “Thank you for contacting Celestial Behavioral Health and the office of Dr. P.W. Fozziwog”

“If this is an emergency please hang up and dial 911 before becoming completely deranged
For all others please listen carefully as our menu has changed”

“Press one if you have become obsessed with rationing the squirts of sanitizer for your hands”
Friends and family are becoming concerned about your ever increasing posted list of demands

“Press two if you run from your children when they return from school”
To them having to strip in the garage while you’re ordering them to check their temperature just seems cruel

“Press three if you have dreams about being trapped under your collapsed mountain of hoarded toilet paper”
You wake up in a cold sweat with visions of the hazmat suited coroner prying you up with a paint scraper

“Press four if your parents have blocked their entryway with granny’s old English buffet”
When you unsuccessfully tried to leave the kids with them for a weekend stay

“Press five if due to sports withdrawal you were escorted from the local Putt Putt for starting a brawl”
By yelling obscenities about missed putts at the man with the blue ball

“Press six if you need the menu retold
Or stay on the line so a real person will put you on hold”

0

The Old Man Democrat Rap

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Hello Folks and welcome to the first democratic rap off

But safety first people use elbow bumps to greet and masks if you cough

Our contestants tonight are Lil Havana Bernie and Wooden Nickels Joe

We think by the time this evening is through you’ll be treated to quite the show

By using the best of three coin toss to make sure Wooden Nickels went last Lil Havana will go first

And since Donna Brazile is not backstage this rap is completely unrehearsed

We would ask the audience to refrain from heckling and may the best rapper win

So now with no further delay Lil Havana you may begin

Skritcha skritcha skritcha

“Yo peeps listen here I be here again

We gonna take down CEO’s and rich oilmen

And when those rich whiteys are gone

You gonna know which side of da toast da butter be on

Your healthcare and college be free and we be tearing down da wall

Socialism is king and capitalism will fall

All will be treated alike citizens or not

Everyone gonna get three squares and a cot

Castro da man made Kooba a better place

By following my hero we can shove our govment in Trump’s fat face

So dat’s my rap, Reverend Jackson is on my side to capcha his brothas’ vote

And come November we can all stand with raised fists and gloat

So come out and vote for me to give me da inside track

I mean this as I be serious as a heart attack”

Boom cha cha Boom cha cha

“My name is Biden and I be running for prez in a big way

I can’t member nuttin or so dey say

I be like one of the Royal family with da ol lady Queen

I feel like Prince Charles and should be making the scene

Me and Brotha Obama once be tight

And if he’d endorse me the future be bright

If he don’t I be draggin out da heavy artillery

I be naming my running mate as Hilary

In no time flat she be committing me to da rubber room

So her delayed Presidency she can resume

We gonna take your guns but don’t be alarmed

Our new gangsta immigrants will see no one’s harmed

Also we be gonna oh crap I forgot this verse

I can’t remember like I usta and my thoughts go from bad to worse

So instead of rapping I be striking a pose and do a dab

And I’ll fondle my crotch if someone be telling which side of my Depends to grab

I grabbed the wrong side in Cleveland

And the scramble for the exits got out of hand

So vote for me in November as I be da man to beat

And in November we can hand those Democ…er Republicans a defeat”

2

The Wed Perse


“Kevin are you glad that you’ve gotten to leave the classroom and come spend time with me?
And if we can break your pronunciation problem with the r’s it will be time well spent. Don’t you agree?”

“So you just sit there and we’ll work on your speech. What color is my purse?”
“Ma’am, your perse is wed.” Knowing my r just went from bad to worse

“No Kevin, the purse is red, rrrr red. Can you repeat that?”
“Yes ma’am, rrrr wed.” More words the kids can poke fun at

Wats!

“Okay Kevin, we’ll try again. How many apples are on the stand?”
“Ma’am it looks like thwee.” Wanting to bury my head in the sand

Wats! Wats!

“Kevin it’s three, thrrrree. Can you repeat it?”
“Yes ma’am, thwee.” As frustration reached the point of throwing a fit

“No Kevin, it’s thrrrree. Repeat it one more time.”
“Thwee.” Just knowing I’m sounding like I’m committing a crime

Cwap!

“Kevin let’s take a minute and watch the yard man cutting grass through the window screen. What color is the grass?”
“Ma’am, he’s cutting gween gwass.”

Cwap! Cwap!

“Okay Kevin, I see our twenty minutes are up and your class is outside for recess. Do you know when our next session is before you go out to play?”
“Yes ma’am it’s thwee o’clock on Fwiday.”

Fuck!

“Oh Kevin, it’s thrrrree o’clock on Frrrriday. I guess I’ve got another ten minutes to spare.
So you’ll stay here and repeat after me, and stop squirming in that chair.”

0

The Shark Tank


Duh Nuh
The two note sound echoed off the ocean floor and resounded through the coral sending the alarm
The Bloomberg Shark (Stoppus friskus) eyes opened wide while hoping for no additional harm

The Bloomberg Shark from the BS family had been dropping many clams on his private campaign and became an easy target for a harpoon
He’s hoping not to be added to the ocean floor where the bodies of short lived candidates are strewn

Duh Nuh Duh Nuh Duh Nuh
The notes were stringing rapidly together meaning more hungry sharks were in the neighborhood
Carefully peering around the wreck of the the sunken ship The USS Society to see as far as he could

Surprisingly the noise seemed to be coming from another member of the BS family (Oldus geekus) the Biden Shark.
A former serious predator now reduced to bottom feeding as his campaign had not been a swim in the park

Relieved the Bloomberg Shark relaxed for a minute not worried about a vicious attack
Mostly toothless having to gum his prey he’s not capable of much more than talking smack

Duh nuh Duh nuh Duh nuh
Now the notes were coming from the port side of the wreck
And there he was another BS predator the Buttigieg Shark (Accompli nadas) swimming over the top of the poop deck

Accompanied by his husband a member of the blow fish group and full of his own sense of pride
This shark was hoping to shred the Bloomberg animal and in his favor turn the tide

The Bloomberg Shark was further startled when a pale white shadow appeared above the kelp
It was the shrieking opportunist Warren Shark (Taxus richus) taking bites out of all the sharks in the area hoping every tooth mark will help

Cruising past and making incoherent noise was the Bernie Shark (Freeus allus) the largest BS of all tailed by a huge group of adoring sardines hoping to be forgiven of all their debts
The naive little fish would be surprised to see what their vote really gets

Finally the voters of the South Carolina caucus will realize they’re gonna need a bigger boat
All this mayhem to harpoon the Great White Whale (Deplorus patriotus) with their vote

Hoping for new leadership to stir up the prevailing ocean sediment
To quote Moby Dick “It smells like the left wing of the day of judgment”

2

TV Commercials BD&AD


Growing up in the 50’s and 60’s TV commercials had a different tone
They were aired to catch your interest and not offend with what was shown

Who doesn’t remember the product sold when you hear “Mother please I’d rather do it myself” or “My bologna has a first name.”
But then along came a commercial that changed the whole ballgame

The advertisement showed two women walking in an idyllic setting on a sunrise beach discussing why one doesn’t feel “fresh” enough
“Pam” one says as the water laps over their feet. “Sometimes I think I smell pretty rough.”

To which Pam goes on to praise the new product she uses
She continues to rave about the ease of use and the sense of confidence the product produces

It seems it was a douche commercial that opened advertisers’ eyes
Suddenly the gloves were off and for any malady no matter how disturbing there was a product cure for a spokesperson to advise

So now the commercial world can be classified before douche and after douche or BD&AD
BD commercials were as always hard sell but without all the side effects hooey

However BD commercials’ catchphrases would probably have completely different connotations for AD products sold today
The “put a tiger in your tank’ slogan could be used to end erectile dysfunction dismay

And “I can’t believe I ate the whole thing ,” when the person is the size of a minivan
Would now be a commercial for a weight reduction plan

This new age of loathsome advertising might have been avoided when the original two women strolling along the sandy track
If in their conversation Pam had turned to her companion and said, “it’s not you it was that dead jellyfish we passed about 100 yards back

6

Lonely Dog TV

The things I do to get a treat, oh the humanity
I’m not quite sure if it’s love ’cause it borders on insanity

I’m supposed to roll over and sit up and beg for a chemical tasty treat
If you really love me, ditch anything packed in cardboard or paper and give me meat

Now I’m supposed to be a really sweet boy and be grateful for this insipid TV channel
Not to mention this tight fitting very hot stupid looking sweater made of flannel

If you really want me to to be your loyal companion and look at you with adoration
Then coughing up the bucks for the doggie channel bundle would be my recommendation

This one channel of a bunch of stoned looking boomer dogs and 24/7 relaxing mood music gives me the squirts
So if you want to save money on the expensive puppy pads give me the channel bundle featuring dogs of action, current doggie headlines and mean spirited cat perverts

The bundle includes this elevator music channel, a dog reality channel, a news channel and scripted shows all in HD.
There’s also a dog accessory channel and if I could read a credit card and work a telephone I could go on a serious spending spree

On the reality channel of PLF(Puppy Love Forever) I can watch The Stud Bachelor
Where one lucky dude gets to date all the bitches while trying to avoid the dog catcher

Or I can watch FGT (Fido’s Got Talent) when after a heartbreakingly sad story about growing up a mongrel on the streets, the contestant wows the overwrought judges with unique tricks
And even if the show is bad, it beats picking ticks and fetching sticks

The scripted channel shows include This Is Our Litter about sibling puppies of two Golden Retrievers and one Doberman Pinscher
The Doberman the obvious smart pup helped his overweight sister out of many jams but getting her out of the hula hoop stuck around her waist was the season clincher

Also on is the long running NCIS (National Canine Investigative Squad) the show that never goes off the air despite killing off most of the cats in the area
Though it seems to be the same show week after week it does quell a dog’s fear of stopping the cat terror organization hysteria

Finally to stay abreast of breaking news there is the HDHN (Hound Dog Headline News) delivered with sincerity by a shapely Afghan Hound with long blonde tresses.
Though the news doesn’t have to be accurate, the fact she looks good wearing only a flea collar is what impresses

So add that extra twenty five to your already outrageous satellite bill and I won’t use the sofa as a chew toy
And anything else in the ten hours you’re gone I can destroy

2

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