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A Daily Observer in Bad Poetry

Humor in Daily Life, Politics and Sports

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Humor

Snacking on Jellyfish to Improve my Brain Function

Helping a child with their homework last week I was asked, “What is the capitol of Delaware?”

Drawing a complete blank I was concerned that my once sharp recall was not all there

After seeing commercials how an ingredient found in jellyfish can improve my brain

I decided to give it a try but the prices charged seemed a bit insane

So while at the beach, I found a dead jellyfish washed up on the shore

Though it smelled really fishy the price was certainly better than the supplement store

After brushing sand and a few fiddler crabs off the carcass I tossed it in an ice chest

I did lay a plastic bag over my beer so the cans would taste okay or so I guessed

Arriving home I unloaded the car and set the ice chest on the entrance mat

Within minutes the chest was covered with flies and being eyeballed by the mangy neighborhood cat

Undeterred I brushed off the flies shooed the cat and hosed off the gelatinous remains

Using my wife’s good pizza cutter I carefully sliced off strips avoiding what looked like blue veins

Firing up the grill I figured I could season the the strips with some pepper and barbecue rub

Hoping to produce some brain enhancing ocean fresh non expensive tasty grub

Eagerly anticipating the flavor my cast iron skillet slowly warmed to a medium high heat

I was hoping for possibly a new jerky both beneficial and delicious to eat

Using tongs I coated the strips with oil to keep from sticking and placed them on the grill

Thinking how I liked my secret fish taco recipe I also brushed on a little mustard and dill

What happened next caused Wizard of Oz flashbacks as the strips shriveled like the Wicked Witch’s shoes

They melted into a lava like gooey substance and a toxic smelling juice started to ooze

Sliding a spatula under one of the globs I pasted it on a cracker like hors d’oeurves

As the cracker reached my lips I experienced a flash of internet potential of all natural jellyfish preserves

Just like a kid with an Oreo I licked the bubbling blob to see what I created

Instantly my eyes watered, my throat constricted, and my tongue dilated

Chugging three now warm fishy tasting beers the noxious taste partially subsided

Scraping the skillet into the compost pile I realized my attempt at improving my brain was misguided

To think you can improve your recall by a creature that just floats with the tide

Is falling for an ad campaign based on age paranoia and being taken for a ride

The Vacuum of Thought

As the day grows longer and the nights go colder
The world deteriorates as we grow older
We’re going to be able to see in hindsight
What we’ve given up without a fight
At a time this country is being overtaken by the ungrateful masses
We think problems will disappear, viewed through our rose colored glasses
It’s easier to turn away and pretend to not see
Then to make a stand and not be considered PC
The mindless press and and media control the process of thought
Forget about common sense, forget about things taught
Plug your earbuds in and crank up that current pop tune
To the problems surrounding you just stay immune
Why worry over over the jobless, impoverished or the hungry
When you can call your buddy and complain about the game’s referee
Check out your cell phone to see the latest app
While the power people with their finger on the trigger begin to unwrap
When the great heathen masses begin to mobilize
As cities around the world start to vaporize
And containers of nerve gas become airborne
Who in this world will be left to mourn
Continue to hold the celebrities to the highest acclaim
Continue to worry about the point spread of the big game
It’s all about the newest toy and one upmanship
While third world children become experts at weapons field strip
So lock yourself away in your your loft apartment
Content in the knowledge that five dollar coffee is money well spent
While in the limited access countries they’re building bombs to radiate
And use their cell phones to pinpoint and annihilate
Consequently when fighting for your life against an enemy with no soul
Just remember it wasn’t supposed to happen according to the latest media poll

Land of the Free

Hello Folks, I appreciate all of you coming out on this cold night
After watching the events of the past years, I know how to have the citizens unite
My slogan here after will be “Make America Reliant Again”
I’ll let the people know the country is there to serve them and not run by a conman
I’m announcing I’m running for President and this I guarantee
We will make America fair to all and the land of the stuff that’s free
Forget that nonsense about asking what you can do for your country
We’re giving everything free without any collusion or a FBI dossier
Here’s my agenda, I’ll lay it out for all to see
And I’m sure most of you out there will agree
First thing we’re gonna open the border and tear down that wall
We’ll welcome all unvetted people warts and all
Next all newcomers whether a resident or not we’ll give the right to vote
They can cast a ballot before their feet are dry from jumping off the boat
I’m convinced they’ll vote in large numbers for the one giving the most free stuff
That candidate will be me, I’ll happily supply all wants and whims for free, sure enough
We’ll let all people vote at sixteen, I mean they are old enough to drive and have a kid
Who am I to block a sophomore in high school ideas’ of government, God forbid
While I’m at it, I’m going to promote the legalization of pot
There’s nothing like an ocean of people who’d rather be high and with welfare not do squat
Because I’m pushing for a federal wage guarantee, security for those unwilling to to work
I mean why work if you don’t have too and look like a do gooder jerk
Also don’t ever worry about sickness as our healthcare for all will take care of you
Ignore the fact your doctor arrived from a third world nation being paddled by six lepers in a bamboo canoe
Finally to keep people like me in power the Electoral College is going away
We refuse to honor a process that keeps all states equal and ends like Hillary’s dismay
If my promises ring hollow and my thoughts of making America reliant you disregard
Just remember, for those that don’t follow me I’ll be happy to pull the racist card.

Madam Janine

The work day was over and the light on my monitor dimmed then flickered out

Traffic warnings had already been issued so getting home would require a different route

Having driven this detour before I knew it wasn’t a speed shot but at least the traffic moved

Better than a bumper to bumper standstill and the music stream rhythm had my mood improved

Suddenly two cars ahead, a SUV rear ended an ancient Buick with no tag or tail lights

The SUV owner was shaking his finger while the Buick owner was yelling,“he knew his rights.”

With no place to turn around I pulled into a lot advertising Madam Janine Psychic and Future Seer

With a good forty five minutes to kill before traffic cleared I parked behind a large cedar.

The entrance was partially obscured as I went up the stairs I noticed a candle in the window sill

Entering the room I realized all the cash I had were four twenties and a hundred dollar bill

An old woman appeared and motioned to an old yellow sofa, “ We reserve that one for our guests.”

It’s sixty dollars for the reading. We take Visa and Master Card but not American Express.”

Bony fingers snatched the bills I held out and they disappeared under a faded and torn sweater

Uneasiness was creeping in but the smell of something vaguely familiar made me feel better

You may enter,” said a voice through the beaded curtain separating the adjoining room

Pushing the beads aside, I saw Madam Janine gazing at me dressed in her gypsy costume

Her head scarf pulled low to her eye brows and a flamboyant shawl wrapped around her shoulders

Two cats were asleep on the mantle, in the fireplace the embers from a fire still smolders.

Motioning to sit in a wooden chair beside her, she set a deck of cards on a place mat of felt

I realized that my future was to be told by how the cards were dealt

How may I assist you in your travels through life?” asked Madam Janine.

I can help you with your current problems and those in the future now unseen.”

Madam, I’m not interested in the past, just what’s on the horizon for the next couple of years.”

“You see my broker has been all over the board and I’m asking for help to quell my fiscal fears.”

Nimble fingers dealt one card and then three all face down next to the first card

Staring at the cards her request to contact the spiritual world caught me off guard

Taking my hands she rolled her eyes skyward and chanted, “Mader Scad Hogits.”

The chant didn’t bother me but the spark generated by taking my hands scared me out of my wits

The chant had at once sounded both eerie and like something I’d heard before

Though I couldn’t place the verse, I had a gnawing feeling that was hard to ignore

Flipping the first card it revealed a character labeled The Fool facing away from me

A reversal of The Fool,” stated Janine. “Not a good sign for investments or salary.”

With no explanation she flipped the second card and up came the unsmiling Queen of Swords

Not reversed but according to Janine only if you agreed with the queen would you gain monetary rewards

The third card was flipped to reveal the Ten of Swords, not a good card at all in terms of money

The fact this card symbolized no achievement, only failure and misfortune was not funny.

Staring at he cards, I was sure of the hocus pocus but it seemed the cards were trying to transform

Perhaps the incense smoke was causing a dizziness but the card figures were beginning to deform

I looked again at the cards and the figures morphed into national politicians and then instantly blurred

Mader Scad Hogits,” loudly chanted Janine. “A better reading I would have preferred.”

I’ve asked again this last card show a way to better your investment expectation.”

When the fourth and final card revealed the Seven of Wands, I noticed Janine’s jubilation.

This card succeeds when being attacked from all sides and constantly regains control”

“So by the years end your investments will be good and financial hardship will not take its toll”

Thanking Madam Janine while walking out the door, I noticed that familiar smell

Are you having bacon tonight?” I asked as the recognizable aroma in my brain began to jell

Why no sweetie, “ stuttered Janine as I started down the stairs

Glancing in her car window I saw on the console a yellow pin that someone in uniform wears

Suddenly it all became clear, the whole Madam Janine charade much to my chagrin

The Mader Scad Hogits, the bacon smell, sweetie and the uniform pin

Madam Janine was Louise who worked in a Waffle House and read Tarot cards when time permits

Whether it’s fortunes told or eggs and hash browns, whatever the client asks for is what he gets

The mysterious chant meant two eggs scrambled hold the grits. I left the parking lot and turned to the right

My investments were safe as stated by Janine and I had a good laugh as I drove into the night.

They Don’t Make ‘Em Like The Cartwrights Anymore

img_0868Time was in the 1950’s and 60’s TV westerns ruled the prime time airwaves

Family interaction, life lessons learned and good verses evil were what America craves

Shows crowded the evening line up with admirable people defending what is theirs

Against the likes of droughts, intruders and a gunman’s icy stares

Everything had order, good guys wore white hats and women apron strings

In the end blissful couples rode into the sunset while the bad guy swings

Times have changed, entertainment must toe the mark of politically correct

The shows must appease all factions of the population or a group will vehemently object

Let’s look at what three shows were like then and how they might appear now

Back when broadcasts were for entertainment not today’s attitude of holier than thou

Bonanza: A sprawling saga of a widower and his three sons laying claim to a quarter of Nevada

They controlled the mining, logging and cattle trade pretty much the whole enchilada

Patriarch Ben would squire all eligible ladies with charm and an occasional mimosa

Until he took them out on a buggy ride to show them his huge Ponderosa

Adam, the eldest was aloof cultured and educated with a law degree

He hoped for grassroots support and to run for office as a governor nominee

Hoss the middle son was huge and cuddly but could give bad guys a serious “lickin”

But the Chinese cook Hop Sing stayed furious at him for eating all the “flied” chicken

Little Joe the youngest was quick with fists and gun while chasing anything in a skirt

But marry just one and a crazed animal stampede would stomp her into the dirt

Bonanza 2019: Not the same show as the the characters have been updated and modernized

The politically correct scripts are now written so the clan appears duly propagandized

Ben: Now an old white guy mostly a front porch sitter with a cane and fly swatter

After a newsprint article revealed him advising a woman in lieu of rent how to remain a squatter

Adam: After a failed attempt at public office opened a store for payday loans

In addition to the Ponderosa most of the titles to the surrounding ranches he now owns

Hoss: Tired of years of back breaking farm work and shoveling horse manure

He decided to open a chain of dining establishments and has become quite the entrepreneur

Joselito: Now in show business working as a cross dressing saloon singer known as the Silk Tornado

Adored by throngs of rhinestone cowboys for his haunting rendition of “The Streets of Laredo”

The Rifleman: A dirt farmer scratching out a living with his son and a modified rapid fire rifle

Soon the bad guys in the area found that this was a man not to trifle

He was Lucas Boy to the sheriff and helped him out of many scrapes

Such as gold heists, wanted gunslingers and jail house escapes

Son Mark when in trouble knew all he had to do was holler “Paw Paw”

And Lucas would drill six slugs into the bad guy before he had a chance to draw

The Rifleman 2019: The townspeople weary of flying bullets and violence they could not condone

Banned the multi-shot rifle and and declared the town a gun free zone

Lucas reduced to hurling rocks and insults had enough and decided to retire

Works now part time in a carnival as a trick shot artist and his beloved rifle he still gets to fire

Now fifty seven Mark diagnosed as obsessive compulsive has not fared nearly as well

Weary of the constant yelling of Paw Paw the town folk locked him in a shed behind the hotel

The Lone Ranger: In most westerns women were notably absent or shown as saloon girls or school marms

Those seemed to be the only occupations available when they came in from the farms

The Lone Ranger had no women either just his faithful side kick Tonto

A native American he traveled with the mysterious lawman using a gun not a bow

Together they would strike fear into bad guys all over the west

Quick to dispense both wisdom and and bullets they were two of the best

The Lone Ranger 2019: Though the characters look the same, they’re portrayed in a different light

Oh they’ll search for truth and justice and give the bad guys a fight

Still dressed in tight light blue attire with a black mask and white cowboy hat

He fires silver bullets a souvenir for the undertaker after he lays the bad guy out flat

He rides a big white horse and a saddle adorned with inlaid decoration

And Tonto still says Kemosabe a lot and looks at him with admiration

Only now by the glow of the campfire after the light of the day

One might hear Tonto demanding more Kemosabe while the Lone Ranger cries Hi O Silver Awaaayyyy

Pucki: The Stable Mucking Elf

I suppose by now you all have seen the story of the happy elves in Santa’s workshop
Singing, dancing and tapping away all wearing their cute pointy elf hats on top
Did you ever stop for a minute about who cares for the fat man’s reindeer?
Somehow the elf H R crone assigned that job to me as my new career
I really don’t understand her notion that I’m the one who peed in her Wheaties
Maybe thinking that my sweet sugar plum bribe attempt added to her type II diabetes
Elf school is a cut throat competition as jobs are assigned from workshop to stable mucker
The brown nosing that goes on is enough to make portions of your anatomy pucker
So here I am in the busiest time of the year with my wheelbarrow and muck rake
Up to my boot tops in high octane poo and a massive whiskey induced headache
This time of year Santa brings barrels of steroid feed complete with a hazmat warning
Though the stuff is smoking when added to the ration, it keeps them flying from night to morning
Then the day after the great ride I’m charged with the responsibility and to go to any length
To nurse those worn out bug splattered prima donna reindeer back to their previous strength
Please don’t get me started on those crybabies with their belly-aching whiny personalities
Because with all the the yearly press they draw they think they’re A-list celebrities
First there is Donner, dumb as a brick but biggest by far assigned to be the team leader
But he’s always bleeting in that obnoxious nasal voice for more hay in his feeder
Next is Comet the fastest but without a special bit causes the sleigh to pull to the right
And being only slightly off course can cause entire countries to be missed while flying at night
Then the two divas Prancer and Dancer, be glad homes are playing music about mistletoe and holly
If the music were show tunes the neighborhood would awaken their bad rendition of Hello Dolly
In the harness next are the over sexed devious love birds Vixen and Cupid
Always sneaking out behind the spruces thinking we are blind and stupid
Santa still gets the Wichita parents’ stink eye because of the incident behind the toy sack
Observed by many, parents had to explain to their tykes the deer were playing piggyback
Lastly we come to Dasher and Blitzen both with bad attitudes and horrible goof offs
Their contribution to the team is trying to hog the feed as soon as it hits the troughs
Finally let me clear up one last enduring rumor, red nosed Rudolph doesn’t exist
I understand the statement is surprisingly harsh and people will no doubt be pissed
It all started years ago on takeoff Donner got his head stuck in some decorations
Once in the air there’s no turning back the radar is updated as Santa tags all the locations
Donner spent that entire night trying to shake a Christmas tree bulb out of his nose
An unsuspecting Santa was caught up in the myth and decided not to disclose
All the “had a very shiny nose” drivel sounds adorable in nursery school
And to state the truth publicly would be construed as callous and cruel
So I’m shining up the harness and bells getting ready for the big night
Just remember it’s me Pucki, who makes your days be “Merry and Bright.”

Let ’em Race

Another season, another Chase, another champion crowned
Adding credence to the saying what goes around comes around
Back in the day NASCAR was an afternoon of racing excitement
Now the crowds are thinning and lack of interest seems the sport’s indictment
In the past fans schemed so their hard earned vacation days were written in the company’s planners
The television cameras now show those devoted grandstand fans disguised as marketing banners
Ticket prices are high and the old camper is going to need a lot of work to be operable
Spending that kind of money for a weekend of questionable racing no longer seems honorable
NASCAR fixed what wasn’t broke and stubbed their toe on greed
A botched attempt at competitiveness cloaked as safety and the rules changed on speed
Restrictor plates turned drivers into bystanders waiting for the big wreck
No helmet flinging or slingshots off turn four, just interchangeable driver suits waiting for their check
Four or five owners control the whole shebang as their teams are always upfront
The little guys with limited sponsorship are back of the pack and not in the hunt
Think STP, Valvoline, Hardee’s, Tide, Goodwrench, Miller, Budweiser, and Purolator
Just say the name around race fans and you’ll get an instant description of those past gladiators
Nowadays their cars look like kissing cousins, the word stock car has vanished and doesn’t apply
Gone are Dodge, Buick, Plymouth, Mercury, and AMC as sponsors’ dollars are in short supply
Racing champions are coronated by some silly Chase rules
Essentially treating fans of lessor financed drivers as gullible fools
Thank you NASCAR, you’ve turned a once enjoyable hair raising competition
Into an afternoon of caution flags, boring crew chief interviews, and car attrition
The old expression of “if you ain’t cheating then you ain’t trying,”
Has turned into “I’m watching football as this thing called racing I ain’t buying”
So Boogity Boogity Boogity boys let’s have a finish under a green and white checker
As endless commercials play while tangled cars that had run in the pack await the wrecker

Did Hollywood Sanction White Privilege

Growing up in the fifties movies and television influenced impressionable minds

The images flickering across the screens produced ties that binds

Before Facebook, Twitter or Instagram, television was that era’s social media

If information was needed a phone wasn’t in play just the cumbersome encyclopedia

The politically correct industry has preached emphatically about white entitlement

The media railed against this unthinking concession with vile resentment

Social media, aspiring candidates, and celebrities decry this birthright

However, these same groups promoted this concept to keep all things white

As kids we sat in front of the black and white console clad in our Mickey Mouse ears

And watched the white t-shirted white kids sing and dance as Mousketeers

The whiteness of this group wasn’t an issue as we kids were all fans

However the brightness coming through the picture tube made us all wish for Ray Bans

Cartoon characters drawn in black were sassy cats, crows, or an agitated duck

If you were looking for a black role model you were out of luck

Amos and Andy, Tarzan’s natives and Our Gang’s Little Rascals with Buckwheat

Were stereotyped caricatures and all part of Hollywood’s quiet deceit

The entertainment industry grew a conscience after discovering a third color of green

It just may not be pure poison to show a person of color on the silver screen

American Bandstand showed bands playing both pop music and soul tunes

One realized all people could enjoy music and dance on Saturday afternoons

Weekly shows demonstrated that blacks and whites could interact

Networks added black people cast in recurring roles that had an impact

Star Trek’s Uhura, Mannix’s Peggy, and Julia all had starring roles

Give Mission Impossible’s Barney wire and a battery, he could sabotage bad guys’ controls

The pre-cable/satellite network industry flourished in the next couple of decades

However detective shows and wealthy elite sagas were best viewed through shades

Shows of color seemed to morph into thirty minute comedies of kids cracking wise

Creating a real life classroom situation that teachers grew to despise

Finally networks and movies began to show leadership roles in a different light

Corporate boardrooms seeing a depleting viewership realized all stars need not be white

Diversity became the collective buzzword to keep their investors in tow

One wouldn’t want any bad publicity leaking to the press to damage their profitable show

Politically correct agendas were trumpeted by those stepping from around the corner

Award shows became bully pulpits for high profile celebrities ranting in mock horror

Public Broadcasting lectured all with a haughty attitude preening for their pretentious fans

While watching the British comedies, Downton Abbey and Poldark through their Ray Bans

The Late Night Infomercial Discount Funeral Director

Hello folks, glad you tuned in. My name is Alex, your money protector

And I’m your late night burial on a budget funeral director

We know times are tough and with the price of funerals it’s easy to deduce

That ten thousand dollar term life insurance policy will soon vamoose

There’s a multitude of tacked on costs involved with the actual service

But there’s no need to feel dejected, super anxious or extremely nervous

We can fill your needs, cut the superfluous add-ons to go with what is essential

And of course keep all details of the arrangements completely confidential

You’ve talked to the local mortuary personnel and though they seemed sincere

But while explaining the extra charges they sounded like a livestock auctioneer

You see a funeral isn’t a stuff ’em, praise ’em and plant ’em situation

There are multiple choices to be made post haste in this time of devastation

We’re here to take you away from unnecessary costs in your time of need

Tell us what you can comfortably spend, as your budget we won’t exceed

If you’re financially strapped, with only the Social Security benefit of two fifty five

Just ask for the government burial special and that’s no jive

We’ll treat the remains right, you need not worry about a thing

We handle documents, the casket and with our boom box memorial angels sing

The ceremony is quick, efficient, easy on the pocketbook so all is good

The casket is sealed with caulk and made from genuine plywood

Our Econovan is shined and polished to transport the loved one to our own cemetery

If pall bearers are in short supply, we have a jeep with a winch on stand by if necessary

If you prefer cremation we also offer special arrangements way below market price

Why pay thousands when our budget service will more than suffice

Finally we offer to those in economic hardship our bottom line no frills plan

For thirty nine ninety nine we handle business as only we can

The burial is in our compost pile with our twice yearly turnover guarantee

Our own fire pit is used for cremation to keep the details hassle free

The body is covered with remnants from our casket workshop

Two cans of lighter fluid are ceremoniously sprayed over the top

Words of tribute pour from our blue tooth speaker as the pyre is lit with a keepsake lighter

A souvenir to save in these difficult time to make things brighter

So give us a call when times are trying and money is tight

Dealing with death is bad enough but cleaning your savings out shouldn’t add to the fright

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