You have reached the number of the United States of America. If this is an emergency please hang up and dial 911

Included in the 911 request would be unhinged liberals, gang members, and any violence prone individual packing a gun

If you know your party’s extension you may dial it at any time, for all others please listen to the following menu

Please press the # sign to have the menu repeated and then * to continue

For those needing assistance when their USAID check is stopped please press two

For those groups demanding violent protests please press 4 for assistance with your attempted coup

For those needing to see a dox list of Tesla owners, please press 3 for locations of cars to key

For those tattooed gang members whose future might include an El Salvadorean prison, press 5 before becoming a deportee

For judges who have appointed themselves a superior being, please press 6 for a copy of the Constitution

To read and understand before the father of a crime victim is on your front porch seeking retribution

For those thugs looking to turn Boston into a third world slum, please press 7.

As the mayor’s sheltered life sees no fault in sanctuary cities and turning Beantown into migrant heaven

Please press 8 if you want to continue in your world filled with hate

If you hate your country, loath your life, and despise yourself, keep #8 on speed dial for waking every morning irate

If you just want to whine, please press 9. You’ve keyed a Tesla, supported Hama’s reign of terror, and mutilated yourself for a gender redesign

And yet you look in the mirror everyday and try to ignore the miserable person looking back, knowing all would be better if the current administration would just resign

Please press the # button to hear the menu again or press 0 to talk to an American outside a major metro area

Because remaining in a democratic run city can only lead to mental illness hysteria