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A Daily Observer in Bad Poetry

Humor in Daily Life, Politics and Sports

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humor, political, sports

humorous look at politics and sports

The Last Can of Green Beans

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It was the day before Thanksgiving and everyone was to gather at Granny’s
The kin folk would be elbow to elbow and packed in all the crannies
The banquet is a traditional pot luck buffet spread on a long oak sideboard
The plates and silverware are next to the crystal pitchers of drinks to be poured
The room would be sweltering as Grandpa would have a fire going and the yule logs ablaze
Everyone would be hugging, head rubbing and shedding the festive sweaters worn for the holidays
The work day had been hard, half the staff waited till after lunch then ducked out early
The phone had rung constantly, and the wait time for clients left them surly
But the long weekend was here with just one task that needs completing
My famous green bean casserole always received rave reviews by all who were eating
The recipe is from a soup can and not highly thought of in the world of cuisines
The process is is simple, a can of soup, french fried onions, a little milk and a can of green beans
The dish can be assembled now, baked in the morning and served for dinner
Carried in an insulated bag, the fifty mile trip means the food arrives hot and me a winner
Snapping on the light, opening the pantry with the neatly stacked cans and grasping at air
The realization of no green beans produced a startling scare
Last weeks guests had been served the last green beans covered with crisp bacon
But knowing the corner grocer would have a can left me unshaken
Back in barely creeping bumper to bumper holiday traffic left me muttering to myself
The ten minute trip lasted forty five only to find no green beans on the shelf
Also none at the bigger market four blocks farther, or the drug store, or the big box food mart
The fact I hadn’t checked my meager grocery inventory hadn’t been smart
Panic was setting in, the thought of a hot dish casserole had begun to dim
When Friendly Tom’s Gas and Go glowed in the headlights, perhaps pickings might not be so slim
Entering the store and glancing at the can goods, there it sat
In all its giant green glory and me grinning like a Cheshire cat
Triumphantly dropping the can on the check out counter and feeling good to be alive
Friendly Tom cocked his eye and casually stated, “fourteen ninety five.”
Sensing shock and anger, Tom calmly stated. “Take it or leave it.”
Instead of Black Friday, Tom has Price Gouge Wednesday for items hard to get
The ten minute trip had turned into a three hour ordeal with me getting fleeced
But I had my prized can and my specialty will arrive in time for the feast
Thanksgiving morning went well, the dish looked great and traffic a breeze until the detour
An RV rear ended a farm wagon, jackknifed blocking lanes and covering all with manure
Adding twenty miles and forty five minutes the short trip had become a speed limit run
Dashing up the steps,I hoped my disheveled look would be forgiven as the prodigal son
The family was holding dinner nodding sympathetically hoping my distress to console
As I placed my now cooled dish next to one over baked turkey and thirteen other green bean casseroles

Want Ad Translator

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It was Sunday, the paper’s heavy and the Classified section thick

Bills  are due, employment was needed and not a lot of room to cherry pick

Some new employment want ads might be a possible opportunity

A new posting even shows a job hiring in a nearby community

Closer inspection reveals the job description might need translation

Years of experience helped peruse the ads to avoid future frustration

Certain phrases hoist the red flags and should be discussed during the interview

Notices always promises stability, excellent conditions and part of a progressive crew

However what is written and real life might be the difference of night and day

A  quick look at some of the phrases might eliminate frustration and paycheck dismay

Fast Paced Environment: Meaning you’re in over your head from day one

As we have no training program you’ll work slavishly until deciding cut and run

Must be Flexible: We are short staffed, our place is a mess, you’d better be good with a broom

Oh and three days a week, be early as you’ll be mopping and scrubbing the restroom

Must be accurate: Pay attention to every detail, have positive attitude, and be highly organized

Our manager is a nit picker, tattles to the boss for minor infractions, so you will be scrutinized

Huge Opportunity for Growth: We’re broke and have only twenty four dollars in our bank account

An immediate need for you to land three huge clients within the week would be paramount

Must be a Team Player and able to Multitask: We are undisciplined and have no faith in our current staff

You’ll fill in when a deadbeat doesn’t show up, you’ll do his job and yours, but first you need a polygraph

Salary Commensurate with Experience: This phrase means we’re not planning on paying the new employee squat

You better be willing to work long hours for the minimum,  if expecting more wear clothes that make you look hot.

Years of want ad followup has led me to these conclusions, the job just might not be as the ad appears

So I’ll tell the unemployment lady I’m still out looking and have myself a few more beers.

                                                                                                                                

 

Dog Shadows

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Entry was easy, the unlocked window nudged up without much strain

Stalking slowly muffling claws on the hardwood, these people must be slain

Carol’s eyes snapped open, there was that rhythmic clicking sound again

The house is always quiet, then the soft rustle and movement in the den

Greg was out of town, another sales seminar and won’t be back until Friday

Cassie, her two year old asleep in her princess bed three steps down the hallway

In the faint light she glimpsed the dark shadow of some dog like beast

Her mind screaming, ‘it’s just an illusion, not a ghost of a brute long since deceased.”

Cracking open her door trying to quiet her pounding heart and shaking knees

She took a deep breath to regain composure hoping to see nothing causing her to freeze

The light swept down the hall revealing nothing. Then came that low soft growl

She thought she’d heard it before, like a warning from an animal on a prowl

Feeling the hair stand on her arms, she gently called Cassie’s name

Cassie, oh please baby don’t be playing some kind of game”

Trying not to panic, Carol’s mind feverishly worked for this to make some sense

Maybe this is a dream started when that wolfish dog charged the fence

It was an early fall day, and the three of them had been on a walk around the block

When hateful Mr Guyler’s gargantuan mutt Simba had rattled the pickets and lock

After the dog had terrified the family, Greg started a petition to have Simba put down

Mr Guyler was outraged screaming at Greg, “just who was he to throw his weigh around?”

The court ruled in Greg’s favor that Simba was a nuisance and needed to be destroyed

A hysterical Mr Guyler was led away, the eyes of the jurors he tried to avoid

You people don’t understand, “ bellowed Mr Guyler. “Simba was more than a stray”

He’ll be in your nightmares, your lives, your children’s lives, you’ll have hell to pay”

Now two months later the torment has started, two are children missing, only clues blood and glass

There are no additional traces, no weapon, no ransom note, no footprints in the grass

Mr Guyler proclaimed his innocence, his dog had been destroyed, he had nothing to add

Now it was just Carol to fend for her baby with a flashlight. The only weapon she had

Dammit Greg your self righteous gun control rhetoric is not doing me any good now”

We’ll have a discussion on this, we need to consider what kind of weapon you would allow”

Snapping on her light and pushing open Cassie’s door the beam revealed the glow of yellow eyes

Carol saw her baby was gone, a wail formed on her lips, in her mind the clarity of one who dies

The creature launched at Carol with unimaginable speed, fangs bared and a banshee shriek

She felt it’s claws hook her chest, her throat was torn away, her blood lapped by this ghoulish freak

Suddenly the monster lifted it’s head, sniffed the air, crashed through the window and was gone

The house was still again, the only noise was the tick of a clock and the sputter of sprinklers on the lawn

Today’s Instant News

RcdK6nXc9Back in the day when newspapers were current and TV offered clips from hours ago

We were able to believe what was reported based on belief in the media’s say so

If we saw it in print, on the screen, on ink and paper or from the anchor’s chair

You knew the facts were truthful as they offered up the who, what, why, when and where

In today’s society all has changed, the news is controlled by conglomerates chasing the buck

Integrity has been replaced with half truths, innuendo, and sensationalism run amok

The former journalism students were schooled to provide unbiased reporting

The news would be fair and balanced without personal opinions distorting

Now the channels need to provide instant updates on mundane subjects as breaking news

Quote anonymous sources, slant the facts, and find a new fall guy to abuse

No longer report on the journalism basics of who, what, why, when and where

Just be aware that your corporate employer is watching both you and the market share

So lets take a look at reporting in today’s world of the five W’s

In an attempt to capture the ratings it has become standard practice to play fast and loose.

Who: Collectively send the entire team out to destroy the Republicans and Donald Trump

The reporting industry is still smarting from the election and looking like a chump

Like battered boxers they’ve come out of their corners swinging for a knockout

Their heavyweight contender was a ten to one favorite and to have won in a rout

The corporate employers poured praise and money into their loser’s campaign

They failed to realize that the opposition spoke to silent voters in language considered plain

He traveled the whole country speaking clearly and won an election considered unwinnable

The fact that he won at all was a shock to all democratic boosters and a loss unthinkable

What: A strategy has emerged to take down this outside boisterous impostor

A call to arms has been issued to attack the administration and cause ill will to foster

Challenge every attempt at campaign promises creating illusions that nothing needs fixing

Paint that glorious skewed picture of the previous years to get people reminiscing

People are gullible, shallow and malleable as mass media is positive of that fact

Holler long and loud and everyone will be sure the election was rigged and the Russians hacked

Why: The why is easy, credibility has come into play as the wound is open and raw

The democrats are scrambling, their old guard torpedoed, they fear their last hurrah

GE, Disney, Viacom, Time Warner are upping their game to make logic appear antiquated

Their contributions now for naught, they must make conservatism appear contaminated

The white bread college professors are under the gun to spew venom from their insulated world

Between the academic lectures and media onslaught voters will follow, liberal banners unfurled

When: The rallying cry is now and into the future, new blood must be solicited and found

A new up and comer must be programmed on the liberal closed minded policies to expound

The media needs to regain control of the voters and brainwash with the drivel they sell

Done immediately the voters will fall in line and ignore the rat they might start to smell

Where: Everywhere one looks, on your phones, on your screens and in your newspapers.

Make sure it’s understood the world is probably going to end as quoted by the doomsayers

Be the lemmings march to the cliff and prepare to blindly follow where the media leads

Thinking is discouraged by the mass media, their propaganda promotes the ignorance on which it feeds

The Wheels on the Bus

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When in society was it decreed that one should love all of humanity

Has mankind decided to overrule human nature with this insanity

Evolution has seen to it that all living creatures are not going to get along

This behavior is for permanence and can’t be judged as right or wrong

To survive creatures attack and sometimes devour other critters

Demonstrating why many animals don’t have a single offspring but have litters

Numerous young won’t make maturity as their very life is a gamble

What’s lying in wait, an overhead shadow may mean death before the desperate scramble

Humans have long known this, they had a daily fight for their existence

Weak and slow they only survived through their persistence

They fought other families, tribes, predators and elements

Before discovering strength in numbers and formed protected settlements

Instinct was to distrust others on sight and of different behavior suspicious

To foolishly drop one’s guard could cause one to defend an act intended as malicious

Through the passage of time civilization has evolved but not much changed

People born into a certain group had their destiny prearranged

Their gender, race, religion, economic standing all factored into the final combination

If your birthright hit the right number of marks your life wouldn’t be one of exploitation

The civil rights of the 60’s fostered a change by government authority

No longer could a group be denied liberty if they were a minority

Brave people marched, sat-in and came together protesting their lack of rights

Facing water hoses, snarling dogs, and murderous riders of the knights

Minorities of all races, religions, and genders then became equal under the law

Gone were colored water fountains and side entrances to theaters’ balconies as government oversaw

Unsmiling, club swinging crew cut cops were ordered to show sensitivity

All races were subjected to a constant barrage of political messages touting objectivity

Bussing sent reluctant children to schools redistricted by well meaning planners

Looking for an instant acceptance, forced integration was figured to provide the answers

The draft and Vietnam helped produce understanding by sharing water, food, blood and grief

The effort to stay alive and return whole formed a bond among many albeit brief

As the war wound down and disappeared into the the rear view mirror

The government vision of integration and anti bigotry became a lot less clear

Peace time made for a re-dedication to the principle of money and getting ahead

There was not a lot of thought to humanity as the worship of the dollar became widespread

Groups that had like positions in society tended to seek the same neighborhoods

While the government regulations and decrees continued to sell the same bill of goods

Little did the controlling powers realize that the color of money changes everything

A feeling of accomplishment, a paycheck, a small vacation can put moods on an upswing

From board rooms to manufacturing jobs, people want a purpose and pride in life

A secure job not living week to week and a positive daily routine can ease the strife

As jobs disappeared overseas,  service management and white collar jobs remained

Leaving a wide gap of workers to fill entry level and menial jobs for the untrained

Further training to acquire higher paying jobs meant an additional expense or to enlist

With no additional money to spend or four years taking orders the idea was dismissed

Even high school diplomas don’t advance workers in entry level jobs far or fast

Working forty hours a week to bring home a grand a month, the money doesn’t last

The man climbs on one’s back to grind him down and keep him there

There’s no fast money or reality television lifestyle just misery and despair

The social programs pay just as well as entry level, just a matter of manipulating forms

An over worked social worker probably won’t come around to see everyone conforms

It’s easier to collect government pay than washing the linen from countless hotel beds

Money is just as green and spends as well regardless if from an employer or the feds

Work ethic, family values and scholastic pursuit became a sign of weakness

Without a trade or education the want ads became an unfocused vision of bleakness

Pop culture celebrates an alternate lifestyle of violence and drugs at high decibels

Dangerous but rewarding the world is a lot simpler than toiling away with paper and pencils

Being baddest became a much sought after trait, people would treat one with respect

Gangs were formed and territories’ aligned, an area that the group must protect

Life has gone back in time to defend one own from outside forces

The leaders assigns his people their duties, rules are implemented that the group enforces

Any interference from the outside is meant with suspicion and should be shunned

Be ready to stand one’s ground, fight for your territory, and don’t be out gunned

Law enforcement is only around to enforce the government’s racist policies

The cops aren’t trusted, they’re just an arm of the man’s bureaucracies

If all else fails while protecting your turf or venting frustrations it’s easy to pull the r-card

Once labeled a racist an elected official will not be held in high regard

An easy way to keep enforcement from one’s business and control of one’s domain

So the politicians look the other way as it’s easier than having to explain

Why you’re not a racist, why the good policies failed, why people can’t escape

When birthright determines one’s standing, life becomes difficult to reshape

Playing the cards that were dealt is an easy a path to follow

But throwing one’s life away by the 20th birthday is a hard fact to swallow.

Not realizing until late that the thin line of opportunity is gone by forty five

Upward mobility is all but over and one is there only to survive

The Christmas Bonus

 

Continue reading “The Christmas Bonus”

This Is The House Where Genetically Modified Products Dwell

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This is the House where GM products dwell

This is the juice
That was in the House where GM products dwell

This is the child
That drank the juice
That was in the house where GM products dwell

This is the tumor
That killed the child
That drank the juice
That was in the house where GM products dwell

This is the seed with labels defiled
That caused the tumor
That killed the child
That drank the juice
That was in the house where GM products dwell

This is the company salesperson with slanted facts compiled
That sold the seed with labels defiled
That caused the tumor
That killed the child
That drank the juice
That was in the house where GM products dwell

These are the shareholders hiding from law suits filed
Hiring company salespeople with slanted facts compiled
Who sold the seed with labels defiled
That caused the tumor
That killed the child
That drank the juice
That was in the house where GM products dwell

This is the seed company the knowledgeable public reviled
Bowing to the shareholders hiding from law suits filed
Hiring company salespeople with slanted facts compiled
Who sold the seed with labels defiled
That caused the tumor
That killed the child
That drank the juice
That was in the house where GM products dwell

This is the White House with campaign contributions stockpiled
Given by the seed company most often reviled
Bowing to the greedy shareholders hiding from lawsuits filed
Hiring company salespeople with slanted facts compiled
Who sold the seed with labels defiled
That caused the tumor
That killed the child
That drank the juice
That was in the house where GM products dwell

This is the once proud farmer now sowing contract GM corn
Watching the sun reflect off the headstone in the glow of early morn
He had signed the seed company’s indenture so there was no other recourse
If he attempted another seed product the GM lawyers would be there to enforce
Wishing he wasn’t planting seed developed as some lab’s brainchild
A broken man he barely functions, his grief can not be reconciled

Reality TV: Election Edition

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Through the last 60 years America has embraced some form of Reality Television

The public has become so blasé this form of entertainment played into this year’s decision

Let’s take a look at this concept and see how it may have applied from shows over the years

Perhaps future campaigns might eliminate debates and turn to programming as electioneers

CANDID CAMERA: Have a person sitting with kids holding pictures of candidates and Peppa Pig

The kids would all vote for Peppa if given the choice because the man was wearing a “cheap wig”

And they said the lady looked like Sally’s mean old Aunt who had recently departed

Then they all rolled about the floor and giggled uncontrollably because little Johnny farted

QUEEN FOR A DAY: Four women have to tell their tales of woe to the studio crowd

The winner is the hopeful who’s eruption on the Applause-O-Meter was the most loud

Hillary, Carly, Jill and Lynn all had a shot at their own brand of commiseration

Each story was accompanied by pleading gestures and anguished tears for voter consideration

Hillary was the clear audience choice winning in an outright landslide

Shady land deals, failed foreign policies, missing e-mails and may be criminally tried

She definitely seemed to surge to the lead while the other participants cried

The remaining women had grievous stories of struggles and suffering on their way to the top

But the Applause-O-Meter needle pegged as Hillary’s story was cream of the crop

THE DATING GAME: A comely miss would ask gentlemen questions to determine her date

The answer would aid the lass in determining with whom she could best relate

“Bachelor #1, If on a date you grabbed my genitals how should I respond?”

“You should feel honored,” answers #1 “As I am a big fish in a small pond.”

The young lady shocked by the last answer advised, “My next question is for Bachelor #3.’

“If you were a married President and I was your VP’s daughter, would you sleep with me?”

“Yes I would,” said #3. “And any woman that looked at me twice.”

“Just be in my vicinity and I would consider that an attempt to entice.”

COPS: We’re riding With Sergeant Ellison of the DC white collar crime division on patrol

He states, “Trying to bust the real bad frauds and cheats is our main goal.”

On for years“Bad Boys Bad Boys” the catchy theme for the program goes

Unfortunately for DC there’s not enough investigators to decide who to depose

SURVIVOR: This game pits contestants against each other under inhumane situations

The camera angles have to be precise as to not show today’s catering truck presentations

This current edition pits Clinton against Trump in mudslinging warfare

As it turns out, after a year and a half neither seemed the worse for wear

AMERICAN IDOL: Judges get to pick the contender singing the sweetest guarantee

Regrettably the judges deadlocked as both challengers were continuously off key

THE AMAZING RACE: This show pits two entrants competing  shouting catch phrases

With photo ops and angry speeches trying to win the Nation’s peoples’ praises

Each nominee schemed and then decided on a different path to win the race

The winner went out and beat the bushes, the loser didn’t leave her metropolitan built in fan base

AMERICA’S GOT TALENT: A timed event to amaze judges with their talent in nothing flat

Both candidates were gang buzzed inside ten seconds and we’ll leave it at that

THE APPRENTICE: The President Elect interviews potential Cabinet hopefuls he wants hired

Only this time serious damage might be done before he gets to say “You’re Fired.”

THE BIGGEST LOSER: Hopefully this show won’t turn out to be the American voters

As betting on a long shot is usually only championed by carnival snake oil promoters

The Other Parade

img_0882The people crammed the sidewalks early in the morning

They had dressed warmly heeding the freeze warning

Every exhale was seen forming a misty cloud

Partially due to cold, partially due to chili dogs sold to the crowd

Anticipation built as distant sirens and drum beats sounded

The buildings on each side of the street created a chamber as the wail resounded

The first high school band carrying a banner strutted into view

From Cedar Rapids they were making their network debut

Behind them were six cowboys on horses twirling ropes and waving to the masses

And hoping the noises from the backside of their animals were just gasses

Then came the first balloon, an updated version of last year’s Underdog

Modified to look like Trump with giant loud speakers, small hands, inane tweets and dialogue

The sound was very loud so no one would understand what was said

But yell loud enough and no one would know the balloon was in over its head

The red hatted parade employees worked hard to keep the figure from sending tweets not clever

As most of it’s tweets were caustic replies to critiques from its latest endeavor

Passing the stand where the Bushs’ sat he saw they had dropped trou and were shooting him the moon

Causing one nun, a red cross bell ringer and three brownie scouts to swoon

Behind the floating gas bag was a Stones cover band playing “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.”

How true that is but the Trumploon didn’t listen to lyrics and seemed nonchalant.

A couple of hyperbole throwing, high profile media seekers followed close behind

The first convertible had Rudy Guiliani, he was New York’s best mayor, he was quick to remind

He was early to the staging area as he only had to walk from his cot at Fox and Friends

He’s always on the show to advance his agenda and comment on current trends

The next was another large blimp, no wait it is a flat bed pulling Chris Christie

He’s waving to the crowd wearing that scowl that makes him look both angry and prissy.

The next zeppelin was a weird female figure doing a shoulder shimmy with a forced scripted cackle

Looking regal in her sequined pantsuit she kept yelling to the millions of illegals she would unshackle

Hilloon liked flying above the crowd, she couldn’t relate to commoners but could still yell “Unite”

But she couldn’t stop for a second as the somewhat wimpy FBI balloon might indict

Hoping cutsie catch phrases might hide the crimes she couldn’t overcome

As the figure hurried away, the crowd couldn’t decide if it was running for or from

Strangely it seemed that more people waved to the Hillary balloon than the one of Trump

But the Trumploon appealed to more states causing the Hilloon to look like a chump

This was followed by another Stones cover band playing “You Got The Silver I Got The Gold”

The Hilloon made a lot of money over the years but its downfall were the emails it tried to withhold

In a convertible behind were a group of obnoxious celebrity personalities

All pretentiously puffed up espousing their own brand of ill informed banality

Finally just before Santa Claus came the Bernie Sanders balloon giving away lots of free things

Free college, free housing and income into the crowd he flings with no attached strings

And sadly the young were screaming for more free stuff in order for them to succeed

The last band playing “Gimme Shelter” in keeping with songs from the Stones album Let It Bleed

As the last gas bag passed it became apparent, they were slowly deflating

A year and a half barrage of insults and finger pointing had become more than irritating

Finally just before the crowd dispersed came Santa drinking heavily from a flask filled with booze

With enough liquor calming himself from the noise of politically correct boos.

And urging on the tractor to speed up a bit while mushing his fake reindeer

He didn’t want the children to see the glistening tracks on his cheeks made by his tears

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