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A Daily Observer in Bad Poetry

Humor in Daily Life, Politics and Sports

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poetry

Snacking on Jellyfish to Improve my Brain Function

Helping a child with their homework last week I was asked, “What is the capitol of Delaware?”

Drawing a complete blank I was concerned that my once sharp recall was not all there

After seeing commercials how an ingredient found in jellyfish can improve my brain

I decided to give it a try but the prices charged seemed a bit insane

So while at the beach, I found a dead jellyfish washed up on the shore

Though it smelled really fishy the price was certainly better than the supplement store

After brushing sand and a few fiddler crabs off the carcass I tossed it in an ice chest

I did lay a plastic bag over my beer so the cans would taste okay or so I guessed

Arriving home I unloaded the car and set the ice chest on the entrance mat

Within minutes the chest was covered with flies and being eyeballed by the mangy neighborhood cat

Undeterred I brushed off the flies shooed the cat and hosed off the gelatinous remains

Using my wife’s good pizza cutter I carefully sliced off strips avoiding what looked like blue veins

Firing up the grill I figured I could season the the strips with some pepper and barbecue rub

Hoping to produce some brain enhancing ocean fresh non expensive tasty grub

Eagerly anticipating the flavor my cast iron skillet slowly warmed to a medium high heat

I was hoping for possibly a new jerky both beneficial and delicious to eat

Using tongs I coated the strips with oil to keep from sticking and placed them on the grill

Thinking how I liked my secret fish taco recipe I also brushed on a little mustard and dill

What happened next caused Wizard of Oz flashbacks as the strips shriveled like the Wicked Witch’s shoes

They melted into a lava like gooey substance and a toxic smelling juice started to ooze

Sliding a spatula under one of the globs I pasted it on a cracker like hors d’oeurves

As the cracker reached my lips I experienced a flash of internet potential of all natural jellyfish preserves

Just like a kid with an Oreo I licked the bubbling blob to see what I created

Instantly my eyes watered, my throat constricted, and my tongue dilated

Chugging three now warm fishy tasting beers the noxious taste partially subsided

Scraping the skillet into the compost pile I realized my attempt at improving my brain was misguided

To think you can improve your recall by a creature that just floats with the tide

Is falling for an ad campaign based on age paranoia and being taken for a ride

Land of the Free

Hello Folks, I appreciate all of you coming out on this cold night
After watching the events of the past years, I know how to have the citizens unite
My slogan here after will be “Make America Reliant Again”
I’ll let the people know the country is there to serve them and not run by a conman
I’m announcing I’m running for President and this I guarantee
We will make America fair to all and the land of the stuff that’s free
Forget that nonsense about asking what you can do for your country
We’re giving everything free without any collusion or a FBI dossier
Here’s my agenda, I’ll lay it out for all to see
And I’m sure most of you out there will agree
First thing we’re gonna open the border and tear down that wall
We’ll welcome all unvetted people warts and all
Next all newcomers whether a resident or not we’ll give the right to vote
They can cast a ballot before their feet are dry from jumping off the boat
I’m convinced they’ll vote in large numbers for the one giving the most free stuff
That candidate will be me, I’ll happily supply all wants and whims for free, sure enough
We’ll let all people vote at sixteen, I mean they are old enough to drive and have a kid
Who am I to block a sophomore in high school ideas’ of government, God forbid
While I’m at it, I’m going to promote the legalization of pot
There’s nothing like an ocean of people who’d rather be high and with welfare not do squat
Because I’m pushing for a federal wage guarantee, security for those unwilling to to work
I mean why work if you don’t have too and look like a do gooder jerk
Also don’t ever worry about sickness as our healthcare for all will take care of you
Ignore the fact your doctor arrived from a third world nation being paddled by six lepers in a bamboo canoe
Finally to keep people like me in power the Electoral College is going away
We refuse to honor a process that keeps all states equal and ends like Hillary’s dismay
If my promises ring hollow and my thoughts of making America reliant you disregard
Just remember, for those that don’t follow me I’ll be happy to pull the racist card.

Where’s Boris

We’re live tonight and riding with Sgt. Al (Big Al) Jackson an officer assigned to Russian Patrol
The agency formed after collusion talks indicated Russian infiltrators needed to be kept under control.
The patrol’s job is to seek out Soviet non-citizens, arrest and book them and have them deported
I’m riding with Sgt. Jackson following leads that residents have reported
Big AL explained he came from a military family and had grown tired of seeing America going down the tubes
Besides chasing bad guys beats working in a office and spending the day peering over cubes
The radio suddenly came to life advising a suspicious person at the Circle K sandwich bar
The suspect was upset that that none of the advertised condiments were Beluga caviar.
Gone before we got there we were tipped that suspicious person might be at Charge Bucks Coffee shop
A customer observed a person sending bulk e-mails of voting misinformation from his laptop
The individual was also agitated the Barista couldn’t create a Lenin likeness in his cappuccino.
Quietly we rolled into the parking lot and stopped behind a vintage El Camino
Approaching the suspect we identified ourselves as a government agency
Laughing, he replied that our numbers were too small to topple this insurgency
Still amused even in handcuffs he advised to take a look at the Mueller investigation
Two years and money wasted and nothing even close to a presidential incrimination
“We work with our network of hackers creating likable bots that America accepts as friends through their gullibility
State something outlandish enough times and fiction becomes fact. A guaranteed inevitability”
So the day progressed, the next stop was a big box store where three hookers were nabbed in the health and beauty aids.
All were demanding diplomatic immunity in an eastern bloc accent while dressed plaid skirts and fake blond braids
The afternoon was spent interviewing green card violators trying to find a Russian connection from a potential deportee
Four hours later we were holding just one suspect who gave his name as Jesus del a Slobinski.
Later over beers, Big Al lamented. “You see it’s no longer a spy vs spy or Tom Cruise hanging on strings.”
“We spend our time waiting by the phone or seeing what new social media rumor tomorrow brings. “
“Yesterday’s detective work was easy. Tips were called in or you knocked on doors
Now we’re forced to follow up on rumors spread by a hacker six thousand miles away spreading lies like mushroom spores.”
The Russians are a dodge. The media is fueling the frenzy by writing their own unsubstantiated fabrications
The writer can read the hackers’ observations and instantly what was fiction is now face book proclamations.
Which is why we’re picking up eastern bloc amateur hookers and a caravan lightweight.
While the real criminal is on the other side of the world spreading gossip for shallow minds to infiltrate”

They Don’t Make ‘Em Like The Cartwrights Anymore

img_0868Time was in the 1950’s and 60’s TV westerns ruled the prime time airwaves

Family interaction, life lessons learned and good verses evil were what America craves

Shows crowded the evening line up with admirable people defending what is theirs

Against the likes of droughts, intruders and a gunman’s icy stares

Everything had order, good guys wore white hats and women apron strings

In the end blissful couples rode into the sunset while the bad guy swings

Times have changed, entertainment must toe the mark of politically correct

The shows must appease all factions of the population or a group will vehemently object

Let’s look at what three shows were like then and how they might appear now

Back when broadcasts were for entertainment not today’s attitude of holier than thou

Bonanza: A sprawling saga of a widower and his three sons laying claim to a quarter of Nevada

They controlled the mining, logging and cattle trade pretty much the whole enchilada

Patriarch Ben would squire all eligible ladies with charm and an occasional mimosa

Until he took them out on a buggy ride to show them his huge Ponderosa

Adam, the eldest was aloof cultured and educated with a law degree

He hoped for grassroots support and to run for office as a governor nominee

Hoss the middle son was huge and cuddly but could give bad guys a serious “lickin”

But the Chinese cook Hop Sing stayed furious at him for eating all the “flied” chicken

Little Joe the youngest was quick with fists and gun while chasing anything in a skirt

But marry just one and a crazed animal stampede would stomp her into the dirt

Bonanza 2019: Not the same show as the the characters have been updated and modernized

The politically correct scripts are now written so the clan appears duly propagandized

Ben: Now an old white guy mostly a front porch sitter with a cane and fly swatter

After a newsprint article revealed him advising a woman in lieu of rent how to remain a squatter

Adam: After a failed attempt at public office opened a store for payday loans

In addition to the Ponderosa most of the titles to the surrounding ranches he now owns

Hoss: Tired of years of back breaking farm work and shoveling horse manure

He decided to open a chain of dining establishments and has become quite the entrepreneur

Joselito: Now in show business working as a cross dressing saloon singer known as the Silk Tornado

Adored by throngs of rhinestone cowboys for his haunting rendition of “The Streets of Laredo”

The Rifleman: A dirt farmer scratching out a living with his son and a modified rapid fire rifle

Soon the bad guys in the area found that this was a man not to trifle

He was Lucas Boy to the sheriff and helped him out of many scrapes

Such as gold heists, wanted gunslingers and jail house escapes

Son Mark when in trouble knew all he had to do was holler “Paw Paw”

And Lucas would drill six slugs into the bad guy before he had a chance to draw

The Rifleman 2019: The townspeople weary of flying bullets and violence they could not condone

Banned the multi-shot rifle and and declared the town a gun free zone

Lucas reduced to hurling rocks and insults had enough and decided to retire

Works now part time in a carnival as a trick shot artist and his beloved rifle he still gets to fire

Now fifty seven Mark diagnosed as obsessive compulsive has not fared nearly as well

Weary of the constant yelling of Paw Paw the town folk locked him in a shed behind the hotel

The Lone Ranger: In most westerns women were notably absent or shown as saloon girls or school marms

Those seemed to be the only occupations available when they came in from the farms

The Lone Ranger had no women either just his faithful side kick Tonto

A native American he traveled with the mysterious lawman using a gun not a bow

Together they would strike fear into bad guys all over the west

Quick to dispense both wisdom and and bullets they were two of the best

The Lone Ranger 2019: Though the characters look the same, they’re portrayed in a different light

Oh they’ll search for truth and justice and give the bad guys a fight

Still dressed in tight light blue attire with a black mask and white cowboy hat

He fires silver bullets a souvenir for the undertaker after he lays the bad guy out flat

He rides a big white horse and a saddle adorned with inlaid decoration

And Tonto still says Kemosabe a lot and looks at him with admiration

Only now by the glow of the campfire after the light of the day

One might hear Tonto demanding more Kemosabe while the Lone Ranger cries Hi O Silver Awaaayyyy

Remembrance of Yesterday Blues

Well since my baby parked me
I’ve got a new place to dwell
It’s down at the end of Lonely Street
At Memory Care Hotel

Though the brochure seemed cheery
It’s fifty five grand a room
Warehoused dejected elderly
Try to smile through their gloom

You’ve made me so lonely baby
I get so lonely
Guess I’ll be lonely till I die

The food is to be Chef quality
But cold dinners out of a can
Can break a person’s spirit
Saving expenses is the meal plan

The healthcare seems basic
A retired doctor checks your ills
While you waste away in bed
The night staff steals your pain pills

I’m sorry your mom had to die
And my health is failing
Now your idea of contact
Is an occasional call and e-mailing

You’ve made me so lonely baby
I get so lonely
Guess I’ll be lonely till I die

Pucki: The Stable Mucking Elf

I suppose by now you all have seen the story of the happy elves in Santa’s workshop
Singing, dancing and tapping away all wearing their cute pointy elf hats on top
Did you ever stop for a minute about who cares for the fat man’s reindeer?
Somehow the elf H R crone assigned that job to me as my new career
I really don’t understand her notion that I’m the one who peed in her Wheaties
Maybe thinking that my sweet sugar plum bribe attempt added to her type II diabetes
Elf school is a cut throat competition as jobs are assigned from workshop to stable mucker
The brown nosing that goes on is enough to make portions of your anatomy pucker
So here I am in the busiest time of the year with my wheelbarrow and muck rake
Up to my boot tops in high octane poo and a massive whiskey induced headache
This time of year Santa brings barrels of steroid feed complete with a hazmat warning
Though the stuff is smoking when added to the ration, it keeps them flying from night to morning
Then the day after the great ride I’m charged with the responsibility and to go to any length
To nurse those worn out bug splattered prima donna reindeer back to their previous strength
Please don’t get me started on those crybabies with their belly-aching whiny personalities
Because with all the the yearly press they draw they think they’re A-list celebrities
First there is Donner, dumb as a brick but biggest by far assigned to be the team leader
But he’s always bleeting in that obnoxious nasal voice for more hay in his feeder
Next is Comet the fastest but without a special bit causes the sleigh to pull to the right
And being only slightly off course can cause entire countries to be missed while flying at night
Then the two divas Prancer and Dancer, be glad homes are playing music about mistletoe and holly
If the music were show tunes the neighborhood would awaken their bad rendition of Hello Dolly
In the harness next are the over sexed devious love birds Vixen and Cupid
Always sneaking out behind the spruces thinking we are blind and stupid
Santa still gets the Wichita parents’ stink eye because of the incident behind the toy sack
Observed by many, parents had to explain to their tykes the deer were playing piggyback
Lastly we come to Dasher and Blitzen both with bad attitudes and horrible goof offs
Their contribution to the team is trying to hog the feed as soon as it hits the troughs
Finally let me clear up one last enduring rumor, red nosed Rudolph doesn’t exist
I understand the statement is surprisingly harsh and people will no doubt be pissed
It all started years ago on takeoff Donner got his head stuck in some decorations
Once in the air there’s no turning back the radar is updated as Santa tags all the locations
Donner spent that entire night trying to shake a Christmas tree bulb out of his nose
An unsuspecting Santa was caught up in the myth and decided not to disclose
All the “had a very shiny nose” drivel sounds adorable in nursery school
And to state the truth publicly would be construed as callous and cruel
So I’m shining up the harness and bells getting ready for the big night
Just remember it’s me Pucki, who makes your days be “Merry and Bright.”

Let ’em Race

Another season, another Chase, another champion crowned
Adding credence to the saying what goes around comes around
Back in the day NASCAR was an afternoon of racing excitement
Now the crowds are thinning and lack of interest seems the sport’s indictment
In the past fans schemed so their hard earned vacation days were written in the company’s planners
The television cameras now show those devoted grandstand fans disguised as marketing banners
Ticket prices are high and the old camper is going to need a lot of work to be operable
Spending that kind of money for a weekend of questionable racing no longer seems honorable
NASCAR fixed what wasn’t broke and stubbed their toe on greed
A botched attempt at competitiveness cloaked as safety and the rules changed on speed
Restrictor plates turned drivers into bystanders waiting for the big wreck
No helmet flinging or slingshots off turn four, just interchangeable driver suits waiting for their check
Four or five owners control the whole shebang as their teams are always upfront
The little guys with limited sponsorship are back of the pack and not in the hunt
Think STP, Valvoline, Hardee’s, Tide, Goodwrench, Miller, Budweiser, and Purolator
Just say the name around race fans and you’ll get an instant description of those past gladiators
Nowadays their cars look like kissing cousins, the word stock car has vanished and doesn’t apply
Gone are Dodge, Buick, Plymouth, Mercury, and AMC as sponsors’ dollars are in short supply
Racing champions are coronated by some silly Chase rules
Essentially treating fans of lessor financed drivers as gullible fools
Thank you NASCAR, you’ve turned a once enjoyable hair raising competition
Into an afternoon of caution flags, boring crew chief interviews, and car attrition
The old expression of “if you ain’t cheating then you ain’t trying,”
Has turned into “I’m watching football as this thing called racing I ain’t buying”
So Boogity Boogity Boogity boys let’s have a finish under a green and white checker
As endless commercials play while tangled cars that had run in the pack await the wrecker

Social Media’s Crushing My Soul

Leaving the Doc’s sterile office, the exam paper left streaks on my rear
My lethargy and depression seemed symptomatic and I hoped not severe
My daily routine seemed aimless, what were goals were now dismissed
I was sleepwalking through life, working and eating but only to exist
Friendships seemed hollow, pleasure was fleeting as the world seemed a brownish gray
Hopefully the doctor could read something in my blood sample and right my dismay
I couldn’t check my personal page, look at my Twitter account or Instagram
As everyone’s got it better, has more followers, and about me not give a damn
In the past six months I’ve been friended by only four people that I don’t know
I liked something I saw so the friend request arrived to keep all status quo
The buzzing in my mind has grown louder reminding me of my inadequacy
And now I fear the persistent noise can’t be diagnosed clinically
The alcohol, the drugs, prescribed or not had only opened doors to nowhere
My tiny unremarkable life has become an unrelenting nightmare
No one notices, no one cares. The nurse only wanted my copay
So the doc can tell me nothing is wrong and to put my phone away.
But I can’t put it down, my cell has become me, I’m it’s identity
It’s my voice to all the other voices shouting at the globe’s inhumanity
It’s my umbilical cord to others meager triumphs and a channel to their hatred
The short video clips and bits of text all seem extreme, common sense negated
My thoughts begin to tumble, foreign voices and color explosions swirled
This device has become my addiction, an obsession in my private netherworld
Irrational thoughts of fame and glory have become a daily norm
My indifference coupled with lost souls’ recorded conflicts becomes a perfect storm
I’m feeling the need to end it all and find peace from the innate turmoil
Not to be understood,  my resolution makes sense to me and my mentor the phone, stays loyal

Did Hollywood Sanction White Privilege

Growing up in the fifties movies and television influenced impressionable minds

The images flickering across the screens produced ties that binds

Before Facebook, Twitter or Instagram, television was that era’s social media

If information was needed a phone wasn’t in play just the cumbersome encyclopedia

The politically correct industry has preached emphatically about white entitlement

The media railed against this unthinking concession with vile resentment

Social media, aspiring candidates, and celebrities decry this birthright

However, these same groups promoted this concept to keep all things white

As kids we sat in front of the black and white console clad in our Mickey Mouse ears

And watched the white t-shirted white kids sing and dance as Mousketeers

The whiteness of this group wasn’t an issue as we kids were all fans

However the brightness coming through the picture tube made us all wish for Ray Bans

Cartoon characters drawn in black were sassy cats, crows, or an agitated duck

If you were looking for a black role model you were out of luck

Amos and Andy, Tarzan’s natives and Our Gang’s Little Rascals with Buckwheat

Were stereotyped caricatures and all part of Hollywood’s quiet deceit

The entertainment industry grew a conscience after discovering a third color of green

It just may not be pure poison to show a person of color on the silver screen

American Bandstand showed bands playing both pop music and soul tunes

One realized all people could enjoy music and dance on Saturday afternoons

Weekly shows demonstrated that blacks and whites could interact

Networks added black people cast in recurring roles that had an impact

Star Trek’s Uhura, Mannix’s Peggy, and Julia all had starring roles

Give Mission Impossible’s Barney wire and a battery, he could sabotage bad guys’ controls

The pre-cable/satellite network industry flourished in the next couple of decades

However detective shows and wealthy elite sagas were best viewed through shades

Shows of color seemed to morph into thirty minute comedies of kids cracking wise

Creating a real life classroom situation that teachers grew to despise

Finally networks and movies began to show leadership roles in a different light

Corporate boardrooms seeing a depleting viewership realized all stars need not be white

Diversity became the collective buzzword to keep their investors in tow

One wouldn’t want any bad publicity leaking to the press to damage their profitable show

Politically correct agendas were trumpeted by those stepping from around the corner

Award shows became bully pulpits for high profile celebrities ranting in mock horror

Public Broadcasting lectured all with a haughty attitude preening for their pretentious fans

While watching the British comedies, Downton Abbey and Poldark through their Ray Bans

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