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Christmas

G I Ze: The New Action Figure

Looking for an appropriate gift this year for your child? Try G I Ze the new action figure

In today’s society one needs to be careful about self identity as gender fluid toys being de rigueur

This new action figure will take all concerns away about disappointment on Christmas morning

And your child can play for hours with the new toy without neighbors’ prying woke eyes issuing a transphobic warning

It’s all about the accessories as you will see this action figure has no gender identity

The neutral doll comes without long hair, breasts or a hooha. A pair of black and white camo shorts is it’s only amenity

For only $29.95 the packaged accessories may be purchased for your child to customize their new toy

This opens up all kinds of opportunities for future gifts for your child to enjoy

From grandma you might drop the hint that the six ink tattoo bundle would be something to increase their artistic ability

The ink is temporary and washable so your offspring can ink Ze according to the social setting demonstrating this toy’s malleability

And for that prissy Aunt Irene, who insists on defining your child by the label on the birth certificate

There’s the debutante package complete with a floor length gown, tiara, white gloves and a tiny book of etiquette

For right wing Uncle Ralph there’s the mercenary package including a canteen, MREs and a semi automatic rifle

Making the action figure a man’s man and to the rest of the neighborhood kids’ action figures very frightful

Should cousin Dave a.k.a. Lil’ Dawg have any money left after cigarettes from his work in the prison license plate shop

There’s the thug package complete with a dark hoodie, hand gun, reflective shades and a streaming stick of profane hip hop

So this year give the complete Christmas gift as long as the rest of the relatives chip in

And you’ll understand how much your gender confused child appreciates your thoughtfulness with the knowing wink and subtle grin

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The Masked Manger Scene

The rain splattered off the heads of the reindeer and the lighted plastic Santa
It was the time of the year when the faded decorations were pulled from storage as part of seasonal Americana

The Black Friday sales started in August as online shopping was recommended
Percentage discounts were offered for a minimum purchase and free shipping was extended

The Sears toy catalog wish book and layaway had become memories of yuletide past
The throngs of mall shoppers and walking through a mist of perfume in department stores were remembrances that were disappearing fast

Cards had become a well wishes greeting that could have easily been sent in June
And if one signs up for a charged monthly app the kids can watch a yearly Christmas cartoon

Christmas parties are frowned upon and are restricted to a gathering of ten
More than five cars in the driveway can create a knock on the door from the pandemic lawmen

Mistletoe kisses are thrown from across the room providing not too much air is moved
And eggnog is presented in single serve cups that are CDC approved

Finally the living Nativity scene has all the participants masked
Including the animals wearing modified muzzles in case anyone asked

The fact that joy is being squeezed out of the season by hysterical naysayers is a disgrace
But even the arbitrary restrictions vanish when one sees on Christmas morn the wonder in a toddler’s eyes and the delight on her face

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The Holiday Haters Radio Station


We appreciate our many loyal listeners who have requested no Christmas music on this radio station
The constant jingle jangle of holiday themed melodies at every turn leads to unrelenting aggravation

To appease you our listeners we’ve created an alt station for both streaming and on the air at 99.8
These songs will tell a different story though the tunes may sound familiar they will morph into a song you won’t hate

Below is just a sample of what this new seasonal station will try to undertake
So kick back and turn it up when you feel you need a holiday break

There’s No Place Like Home For The Holidays: These days in this politically alienating time sometimes it’s hard being at home for the holiday

The song now goes we arrive at the last minute, gulp down the feast and be out the door and by the time angry Uncle Joe picks a fight we’re well down the road in our Hyundai

Little Drummer Boy: For political correctness sake, now the Little Drummer Person
Just what the new parents needed, after quieting those noisy lowing cattle, some kid pounding on a drum causing the infant child’s crying to worsen.

Baby It’s Cold Outside: An inappropriate song about using alcohol for sex
Now a song about surprise when Baby turns out to have male private parts and huge pecs

Do You Hear What I Hear: The first line of lyric is the same asking if you can hear
Only now the song is about an over bearing abusive husband hollering for more queso dip and beer

Deck The Halls: A song about decorating the house for the yuletide season
Now a song about appropriate ways to brighten the house so you won’t be charged for treason

I Saw Mama Kissing Santa Claus: Now changed to I Saw Mama Kissing Mrs. Claus
Since Mama was just outed this year it should be an interesting dinner with the in laws

Our goal is that by the end of the season our listeners will appreciate our endeavor
We feel that since the Christmas music starts now before Halloween our station is better late than never

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The Christmas Bonus

 

Continue reading “The Christmas Bonus” →

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