Search

An Observer of Life in Bad Poetry

Commentary on Daily Life, Politics and Sports

Open Search
Category

Humor

Why The Infatuation With Red Onions

The neighbor had been bragging for months about his secret pizza recipe

He claimed this pizza was so good, a person eating it would need therapy

And to enhance the pizza, he recently purchased a $600 outdoor pizza oven that heats to 800 degrees

Because after tasting this he boasted he’d start a new pizza chain and would have to fight off potential franchisees

So, the small group assembled on his deck and watched as the pie was ceremoniously placed on the hot stone

Seven minutes later the pizza came out piping hot, charred just right and to a hungry man the aroma of expensive cologne

Eagerly blowing on my slice, mouth watering in anticipation the overpowering taste of red onion came as quite a shock

The list of potential franchisees dwindled rapidly and as a group mumbled about having to go while asking if they could take the rest of their slice home in a zip lock

The red onion once again raised its fetid stench to kill what could have been a delicious taste test

But cooks and chefs everywhere use and praise this red bulb like it was the winner of an onion love fest

Many a sandwich and salad combo has been ruined by the pungent taste

Maybe the onion flavor was used to cover off flavor of nearly expired ingredients to keep from being waste

Think about how many nights have been spent on the sofa after consuming a few strands of the red

Close conversation, nuzzling on a love seat, and lovemaking are definitely out as the onion once again rears its ugly head

The bonus to the onion dilemma is it hangs in one’s mouth and hands the following day

It’s taste takes no backseat to any ingredient in guacamole, chicken salad, or a bowl of chili, but the plus side is it might keep bugs away

Perhaps the baby that granny was fussing over for crying through the night might be caused by the nursing mother

Because when standing at the deli counter and nodding yes to pickled red onion on her sandwich any thought of affecting the baby went in one ear and out the other

There are many varieties of onion to sample and savor

But don’t ruin a hard afternoon in the kitchen with an acidic red onion. That would do all diners a favor

0

Whole Body Deodorants

For the past 30 years television commercials have outdone themselves in pushing the boundaries of good taste

Any semblance of decency due to advertisers greed has long since been erased

Good clean commercials of breakfast cereals, pain relief, and airlines have been replaced with problems only formerly discussed in health class

Nothing is off limits. No body function is too gross to discuss and it doesn’t matter how crass

Smells top the list and people will try anything to cover their perceived odor No one wants to smell like an open air garbage dump

The commercials now have begun to sensationalize all stenches from various body parts, head to toes to rump

Back in the day people were also conscious of body odor and actually showered on a regular basis

Without actual physical activity, to walk around in a constant state of funk would have been considered graceless

After shave, cologne, and perfume were used to enhance one’s presence, not to cover up one’s lack of hygiene

But today’s commercials seem to say one needs to drench themselves with their product to keep from smelling like kerosene

The commercials go even further demonstrating the application of the product obviously aimed at a woman’s self-esteem

Rub it in everywhere, the feet, the armpits, under the breasts, and around the butt crack with this magical cream

The instructions say apply after showering, wait ten minutes to apply, and then let dry before dressing

That’s probably not going to speed up the morning routine. But if the shower doesn’t get it done apply these chemicals and what harm they do in the long run keeps everyone guessing

Reviews of these products are all over the board. Some say wonderful, some say it smells like the end of the world and caused an unhealthy rash

But if the smell police are out there, one can pick up this product to ward them off but be prepared to spend a little cash

Gone are the days of spraying deodorant in your sleepy eyes at six in the morning. This cream is applied with your hands

So rather than stopping up just your sweaty armpits, you can stop up all your body’s glands

So if your partner tries this cream and it doesn’t seem to faze her

You might mention another commercial you saw about the pubic hair razor

0

Noah Should’ve Washed His Elephants

Noah, obeying the word of God was assigned a huge task
He did what he was told, he didn’t bother to ask

He was to build a big boat 300 cubits long
Built of gopher wood it needed to be strong

After building the ark with a mallet, wooden pegs and and a saw
There shouldn’t be a problem when the animals arrived that he foresaw

Unfortunately as the animals marched up the ramp two by two
Noah didn’t have a bucket, a long handled brush and a couple gallons of flea shampoo

In his hurry to stock up on salamander food
And gather fresh saplings for the beavers that hadn’t been chewed

He let the elephants and other animals trudge on board with ticks and fleas
Noah didn’t have time for a bug check as he was preparing for forty days of sailing the seas

He had his shot to rid the world of those pests
But he had no control of what was on board and treated all like guests

While he was at it though a guardian at the door to control roaches, lice and mice
And a few less poisonous snakes would have been nice

0

Practicing Social Distance in a House of Ill Repute

SSSSphaaaplop, it was a sound I’d grown to despise as another loaf of spam hits the pan
I’d been sheltering in place, the urge was building, and I’d come up with a plan

Three weeks of stay at home left me anxious and stir crazy
I’d grown tired of of the complaints about watching reality TV and being lazy

I’ll show you lazy, tonight under the guise of boat hunting I’m going to Madam Cherie’s Fun House Emporium
That’ll make up for three weeks of close quarters and a married bliss moratorium

This area had very few Corona cases and not considered a hot zone
So when no one was looking I put on some spandex briefs and slapped on some cologne

Nothing appeared to have changed as I pulled around the house of clapboard
Parking under the same holly I followed the weathered sign that read All Aboard

Met at the dimly lit entrance by the now mask and glove wearing Seymour the greeter for many years
He told me I could go right in but there was a limit of ten customers due to virus fears

Cherie herself was working the transaction booth behind a new sneeze guard
She stated that due to the pandemic there was only one activity available and handed me the number five card

She said she had to let most of her staff go as her regulars stayed home and times were tough
She said Dixie and Peaches were the only escorts left but they really knew their stuff

So I sat in a stackable plastic chair that smelled of Lysol as the velour sofas had been taken out
My apprehension grew as the noise from the back grew louder and seemed to end in a horrified shout

Apprehension turned to panic when a disheveled number four stumbled out the door
He looked like he’d fought a mountain lion had lost and was shaken to his core

“You’re next,” said Cherie. As I entered the room there stood Dixie and Peaches holding a Slurpee cup and a Hoover
Peaches explained that in normal times the the six foot wand attachment was used as a cob web remover

She also explained that they only used one attachment with the wand but it had a soft bristle tip
Then they laid me back on an easy wipe stainless table covered with butcher paper and told me to unzip

Too frightened to argue I did as I was told and with a flip of a switch the vacuum was fired up
The wand quickly gobbled up Mr Happy my underwear and a bouquet from the washstand while Dixie made squishy sounds with the Slurpee cup

That sound was quickly drowned out by my screams of agony from the wand’s relentless extraction
“Enough,” I shouted terrified Mr Happy would spend the next six months in traction

Mumbling a thank you to Dixie and Peaches for flattening my curve I lumbered toward the exit sign
Positive that eating fried Spam at home for as long as it takes would be just fine.

4

Mom (or Dad’s) New Lesson Plan

Amidst the schools closing with little warning due to the virus threat
Parents trying to home school are finding subjects are easy to forget

Twenty years ago school seemed a breeze and the subjects taught were easy
Now a quick glance at the lessons on the laptop made the stomach queasy

The idea of passing the kids on to Granny wasn’t working either
Sure, she does have a phone and a laptop but has mastered neither

Her atlas still showed Yugoslavia and her dictionary can’t spell check
And Gramps is completely immersed in TV westerns as his brain has become a sputtering wreck

Now Mom’s working from home, reviewing tomorrow’s lessons and exactly what is a cosine
But just maybe now there is a chance to show what makes Mom shine

The kids can learn how to manage a day, budget the home and work the lesson plan
Maybe life’s lessons can be shown to be more than a soccer Mom in a minivan

The whining and the eye rolling are inevitable but one must comply with the law of the land
Parents can now experience a small dose of what teachers see first hand

So review the Magna Carta, split infinitives and flower stamens as tomorrow they’ll be yours to teach
This new responsibility will make the evening wine sweeter while you dream of the beach

0

Please Listen Carefully as our Menu has Changed


I’m calling my doctor as these coronavirus alerts have become relentless. Blaring 24/7 on all my devices has left me in a fog
The auto message picks up immediately stating “Thank you for contacting Celestial Behavioral Health and the office of Dr. P.W. Fozziwog”

“If this is an emergency please hang up and dial 911 before becoming completely deranged
For all others please listen carefully as our menu has changed”

“Press one if you have become obsessed with rationing the squirts of sanitizer for your hands”
Friends and family are becoming concerned about your ever increasing posted list of demands

“Press two if you run from your children when they return from school”
To them having to strip in the garage while you’re ordering them to check their temperature just seems cruel

“Press three if you have dreams about being trapped under your collapsed mountain of hoarded toilet paper”
You wake up in a cold sweat with visions of the hazmat suited coroner prying you up with a paint scraper

“Press four if your parents have blocked their entryway with granny’s old English buffet”
When you unsuccessfully tried to leave the kids with them for a weekend stay

“Press five if due to sports withdrawal you were escorted from the local Putt Putt for starting a brawl”
By yelling obscenities about missed putts at the man with the blue ball

“Press six if you need the menu retold
Or stay on the line so a real person will put you on hold”

0

The Wed Perse


“Kevin are you glad that you’ve gotten to leave the classroom and come spend time with me?
And if we can break your pronunciation problem with the r’s it will be time well spent. Don’t you agree?”

“So you just sit there and we’ll work on your speech. What color is my purse?”
“Ma’am, your perse is wed.” Knowing my r just went from bad to worse

“No Kevin, the purse is red, rrrr red. Can you repeat that?”
“Yes ma’am, rrrr wed.” More words the kids can poke fun at

Wats!

“Okay Kevin, we’ll try again. How many apples are on the stand?”
“Ma’am it looks like thwee.” Wanting to bury my head in the sand

Wats! Wats!

“Kevin it’s three, thrrrree. Can you repeat it?”
“Yes ma’am, thwee.” As frustration reached the point of throwing a fit

“No Kevin, it’s thrrrree. Repeat it one more time.”
“Thwee.” Just knowing I’m sounding like I’m committing a crime

Cwap!

“Kevin let’s take a minute and watch the yard man cutting grass through the window screen. What color is the grass?”
“Ma’am, he’s cutting gween gwass.”

Cwap! Cwap!

“Okay Kevin, I see our twenty minutes are up and your class is outside for recess. Do you know when our next session is before you go out to play?”
“Yes ma’am it’s thwee o’clock on Fwiday.”

Fuck!

“Oh Kevin, it’s thrrrree o’clock on Frrrriday. I guess I’ve got another ten minutes to spare.
So you’ll stay here and repeat after me, and stop squirming in that chair.”

0

TV Commercials BD&AD


Growing up in the 50’s and 60’s TV commercials had a different tone
They were aired to catch your interest and not offend with what was shown

Who doesn’t remember the product sold when you hear “Mother please I’d rather do it myself” or “My bologna has a first name.”
But then along came a commercial that changed the whole ballgame

The advertisement showed two women walking in an idyllic setting on a sunrise beach discussing why one doesn’t feel “fresh” enough
“Pam” one says as the water laps over their feet. “Sometimes I think I smell pretty rough.”

To which Pam goes on to praise the new product she uses
She continues to rave about the ease of use and the sense of confidence the product produces

It seems it was a douche commercial that opened advertisers’ eyes
Suddenly the gloves were off and for any malady no matter how disturbing there was a product cure for a spokesperson to advise

So now the commercial world can be classified before douche and after douche or BD&AD
BD commercials were as always hard sell but without all the side effects hooey

However BD commercials’ catchphrases would probably have completely different connotations for AD products sold today
The “put a tiger in your tank’ slogan could be used to end erectile dysfunction dismay

And “I can’t believe I ate the whole thing ,” when the person is the size of a minivan
Would now be a commercial for a weight reduction plan

This new age of loathsome advertising might have been avoided when the original two women strolling along the sandy track
If in their conversation Pam had turned to her companion and said, “it’s not you it was that dead jellyfish we passed about 100 yards back

6

Lonely Dog TV

The things I do to get a treat, oh the humanity
I’m not quite sure if it’s love ’cause it borders on insanity

I’m supposed to roll over and sit up and beg for a chemical tasty treat
If you really love me, ditch anything packed in cardboard or paper and give me meat

Now I’m supposed to be a really sweet boy and be grateful for this insipid TV channel
Not to mention this tight fitting very hot stupid looking sweater made of flannel

If you really want me to to be your loyal companion and look at you with adoration
Then coughing up the bucks for the doggie channel bundle would be my recommendation

This one channel of a bunch of stoned looking boomer dogs and 24/7 relaxing mood music gives me the squirts
So if you want to save money on the expensive puppy pads give me the channel bundle featuring dogs of action, current doggie headlines and mean spirited cat perverts

The bundle includes this elevator music channel, a dog reality channel, a news channel and scripted shows all in HD.
There’s also a dog accessory channel and if I could read a credit card and work a telephone I could go on a serious spending spree

On the reality channel of PLF(Puppy Love Forever) I can watch The Stud Bachelor
Where one lucky dude gets to date all the bitches while trying to avoid the dog catcher

Or I can watch FGT (Fido’s Got Talent) when after a heartbreakingly sad story about growing up a mongrel on the streets, the contestant wows the overwrought judges with unique tricks
And even if the show is bad, it beats picking ticks and fetching sticks

The scripted channel shows include This Is Our Litter about sibling puppies of two Golden Retrievers and one Doberman Pinscher
The Doberman the obvious smart pup helped his overweight sister out of many jams but getting her out of the hula hoop stuck around her waist was the season clincher

Also on is the long running NCIS (National Canine Investigative Squad) the show that never goes off the air despite killing off most of the cats in the area
Though it seems to be the same show week after week it does quell a dog’s fear of stopping the cat terror organization hysteria

Finally to stay abreast of breaking news there is the HDHN (Hound Dog Headline News) delivered with sincerity by a shapely Afghan Hound with long blonde tresses.
Though the news doesn’t have to be accurate, the fact she looks good wearing only a flea collar is what impresses

So add that extra twenty five to your already outrageous satellite bill and I won’t use the sofa as a chew toy
And anything else in the ten hours you’re gone I can destroy

2

Asian Imports = Possible Risky Business

With all the talk of trade imports and exports it might be time to look at what is imported from Asia
Most imports are welcomed to improve quality of life, yet some offer only invasive, sickening and frustrating fantasia

The kudzu vine was imported and praised for it’s fast growth, brought in during the Great Depression it was thought to be a cheap savior for erosion control
That was before the vine swallowed the countryside, phone poles and rumored to have eaten a slow moving deputy sheriff on patrol

Asia wants all consumers to believe they export high tech electronics such as TVs computers and phones to be bought
But just don’t drive your Daewoo to a car dealer expecting a good trade in value for something else on the lot

If someone couldn’t get a good deal on their gently used car then they could surf to work on their hover board in their business attire
Just make sure your route to work passes a fire department as your pants would probably be on fire.

A while back it was all the rage to have an alternate exotic pet like a big Asian snake
So people rushed to buy and the pet distributors brought in hundreds and when the snakes got too big for the aquarium they were thrown in the lake

Unfortunately the snakes continued to grow, had no natural enemies and ate everything that moved
Since they camouflage well and reproduce rapidly, specialists are now hired to go into the swamp to have them removed

Allegedly the corona virus currently spreading world wide like wildfire was incubated by eating bat soup
Apparently the kitchen cooks in an effort to serve food fresh didn’t completely cook the poop

So it was ingested to the intestine where opportunities for virus growth dwell
And suddenly, sadly the phrase was heard. “Holy bubbling soup cauldron Batman, I’m not feeling so well.”

0

To Kill A Talking Bird

The prosecution crowd was strutting in, it had been three long years
The man on trial wasn’t one of them, conjuring up their worst fears

In spite of their futile efforts, a new trade agreement was adding another achievement
“That’s not possible, he’s not good for the country.” They all cried boosting their bereavement

“But we finally got him, this ought to end his presidency.”
The fact the previous attempts at a coup bears no relevancy

Not caring their dog and pony show was beginning to look like a third world puppet regime
They were willing to give impeachment a shot so they could again reign supreme

The articles of impeachment were delivered by the trial managers marching across the Capitol looking like refugees from a PacMan game
Even though no one was home at the Senate the managers’ foolish parade appeared to produce no shame

The hand picked managers were to be a diverse group with two traits they all shared
The weasel, a Latino, two black people and a couple soon to be blue haired

The attributes in common are disdain for the American people and their hatred for the President
Taking this man down was their disturbed goal and not caring about the voters they represent

They’ve sharpened both their pencils and their teeth to grill the defense advocates
Hoping the same trial evidence and one new questionable witness won’t be found inadequate

Perhaps the trial after all does have the ability to anger the nation
When the citizens realize the proceedings preempt Days of Our Lives and are forced to watch reruns on the Super Station

4

The Holiday Haters Radio Station


We appreciate our many loyal listeners who have requested no Christmas music on this radio station
The constant jingle jangle of holiday themed melodies at every turn leads to unrelenting aggravation

To appease you our listeners we’ve created an alt station for both streaming and on the air at 99.8
These songs will tell a different story though the tunes may sound familiar they will morph into a song you won’t hate

Below is just a sample of what this new seasonal station will try to undertake
So kick back and turn it up when you feel you need a holiday break

There’s No Place Like Home For The Holidays: These days in this politically alienating time sometimes it’s hard being at home for the holiday

The song now goes we arrive at the last minute, gulp down the feast and be out the door and by the time angry Uncle Joe picks a fight we’re well down the road in our Hyundai

Little Drummer Boy: For political correctness sake, now the Little Drummer Person
Just what the new parents needed, after quieting those noisy lowing cattle, some kid pounding on a drum causing the infant child’s crying to worsen.

Baby It’s Cold Outside: An inappropriate song about using alcohol for sex
Now a song about surprise when Baby turns out to have male private parts and huge pecs

Do You Hear What I Hear: The first line of lyric is the same asking if you can hear
Only now the song is about an over bearing abusive husband hollering for more queso dip and beer

Deck The Halls: A song about decorating the house for the yuletide season
Now a song about appropriate ways to brighten the house so you won’t be charged for treason

I Saw Mama Kissing Santa Claus: Now changed to I Saw Mama Kissing Mrs. Claus
Since Mama was just outed this year it should be an interesting dinner with the in laws

Our goal is that by the end of the season our listeners will appreciate our endeavor
We feel that since the Christmas music starts now before Halloween our station is better late than never

0

Jezebelosi: History Does Repeat Itself

 

About three thousand years ago a young woman was married to Israel’s king
A headstrong woman she didn’t appreciate the religion her new subjects seemed to cling

She set about to change all that by introducing her own beliefs for all to praise
She was now a woman of power and demanded all her subordinates to accept her mores

The new Priestess then set out to destroy all who opposed her
Unlike today, killing the opposition was fair so old beliefs did not recur

Her subjects lived in fear they and their ideology would be exposed by her tirades
As her Highness’s doctrines could possibly crumble the powerful Kingdom of Israel for decades

Fast forward 3000 years and now a powerful woman is out to instill her own values on a Nation
Elected to represent an area beset with multiple problems of immigration, homelessness and high taxation

She is determined to take down the person legally voted into office by the rules of the Constitution
Using any means possible through lies and innuendo supplied by shadowy figures, she’s hoping for prosecution

Since murder is now frowned upon except in a certain former presidential society
This lady would not consider wearing that crown of notoriety

If she and her sycophants before the upcoming election could take total control
She could turn the country into her private domain without a soul

She does feel the sweat of desperation creeping into her tired leak to the media style
Easily disproved statements and secret closed door meetings have replaced her previous guile

When the next election is over and she is forced to turn over her gavel
She and her party will see the plans for a new America unravel

Unlike the Jezebel days she can’t be thrown out the window to the hungry dogs below
But she will have to hit the road back to destitute California with her pack of toadies in tow

0

Don’t Bogart That E-cig

Don’t Bogart that joint, pass it over to me

In the film Easy Rider the group Fraternity of Man did decree

One can picture Bogie cigarette dangling from his lips in a melancholy film noir

Slouching against a bar, dinner jacket and sleepy eyes fresh from the ingenue’s boudoir

Somehow the impact of the scene would lose effectiveness if Bogart disappeared in a water vapor mist

The movie world would never see when a kiss is just a kiss

Disguising itself as a way to kick tobacco the e-cig industry created a huge income craze

Appealing not only for the buzz but also the cool factor the ad business portrays

Ignore the fact the e-juice may have been assembled by a profiteer at his kitchen table

And to make it look legit slap on a counterfeit label

Today there are expensive devices that produce those euphoric vapors

Gone are the paranoid days at the mini mart buying the J ◊ B rolling papers

Just knowing the entire U.S . Intel community was outside hiding in the kudzu vines

With their sniper scopes trained on your back while peering through the Georgia pines

Many of the present day vaping products sold contain unregulated juice

Pretending lung damage happens to the other guy makes for a risky calculated excuse

Producing a current potential lesson on how to whistle as a walk away tease

“You know how to whistle don’t you? You just put your lips together and wheeze.”

0

Snacking on Jellyfish to Improve my Brain Function

Helping a child with their homework last week I was asked, “What is the capitol of Delaware?”

Drawing a complete blank I was concerned that my once sharp recall was not all there

After seeing commercials how an ingredient found in jellyfish can improve my brain

I decided to give it a try but the prices charged seemed a bit insane

So while at the beach, I found a dead jellyfish washed up on the shore

Though it smelled really fishy the price was certainly better than the supplement store

After brushing sand and a few fiddler crabs off the carcass I tossed it in an ice chest

I did lay a plastic bag over my beer so the cans would taste okay or so I guessed

Arriving home I unloaded the car and set the ice chest on the entrance mat

Within minutes the chest was covered with flies and being eyeballed by the mangy neighborhood cat

Undeterred I brushed off the flies shooed the cat and hosed off the gelatinous remains

Using my wife’s good pizza cutter I carefully sliced off strips avoiding what looked like blue veins

Firing up the grill I figured I could season the the strips with some pepper and barbecue rub

Hoping to produce some brain enhancing ocean fresh non expensive tasty grub

Eagerly anticipating the flavor my cast iron skillet slowly warmed to a medium high heat

I was hoping for possibly a new jerky both beneficial and delicious to eat

Using tongs I coated the strips with oil to keep from sticking and placed them on the grill

Thinking how I liked my secret fish taco recipe I also brushed on a little mustard and dill

What happened next caused Wizard of Oz flashbacks as the strips shriveled like the Wicked Witch’s shoes

They melted into a lava like gooey substance and a toxic smelling juice started to ooze

Sliding a spatula under one of the globs I pasted it on a cracker like hors d’oeurves

As the cracker reached my lips I experienced a flash of internet potential of all natural jellyfish preserves

Just like a kid with an Oreo I licked the bubbling blob to see what I created

Instantly my eyes watered, my throat constricted, and my tongue dilated

Chugging three now warm fishy tasting beers the noxious taste partially subsided

Scraping the skillet into the compost pile I realized my attempt at improving my brain was misguided

To think you can improve your recall by a creature that just floats with the tide

Is falling for an ad campaign based on age paranoia and being taken for a ride

0

The Vacuum of Thought

As the day grows longer and the nights go colder
The world deteriorates as we grow older
We’re going to be able to see in hindsight
What we’ve given up without a fight
At a time this country is being overtaken by the ungrateful masses
We think problems will disappear, viewed through our rose colored glasses
It’s easier to turn away and pretend to not see
Then to make a stand and not be considered PC
The mindless press and media control the process of thought
Forget about common sense, forget about things taught
Plug your earbuds in and crank up that current pop tune
To the problems surrounding you just stay immune
Why worry over over the jobless, impoverished or the hungry
When you can call your buddy and complain about the game’s referee
Check out your cell phone to see the latest app
While the power people with their finger on the trigger begin to unwrap
When the great heathen masses begin to mobilize
As cities around the world start to vaporize
And containers of nerve gas become airborne
Who in this world will be left to mourn
Continue to hold the celebrities to the highest acclaim
Continue to worry about the point spread of the big game
It’s all about the newest toy and one upmanship
While third world children become experts at weapons field strip
So lock yourself away in your your loft apartment
Content in the knowledge that five dollar coffee is money well spent
While in the limited access countries they’re building bombs to radiate
And use their cell phones to pinpoint and annihilate
Consequently when fighting for your life against an enemy with no soul
Just remember it wasn’t supposed to happen according to the latest media poll

0

Land of the Free

Hello Folks, I appreciate all of you coming out on this cold night
After watching the events of the past years, I know how to have the citizens unite

My slogan here after will be “Make America Reliant Again”
I’ll let the people know the country is there to serve them and not run by a conman

I’m announcing I’m running for President and this I guarantee
We will make America fair to all and the land of the stuff that’s free

Forget that nonsense about asking what you can do for your country
We’re giving everything free without any collusion or a FBI dossier

Here’s my agenda, I’ll lay it out for all to see
And I’m sure most of you out there will agree

First thing we’re gonna open the border and tear down that wall
We’ll welcome all unvetted people warts and all

Next all newcomers whether a resident or not we’ll give the right to vote
They can cast a ballot before their feet are dry from jumping off the boat

I’m convinced they’ll vote in large numbers for the one giving the most free stuff
That candidate will be me, I’ll happily supply all wants and whims for free, sure enough

We’ll let all people vote at sixteen, I mean they are old enough to drive and have a kid
Who am I to block a sophomore in high school ideas’ of government, God forbid

While I’m at it, I’m going to promote the legalization of pot
There’s nothing like an ocean of people who’d rather be high and with welfare not do squat

Because I’m pushing for a federal wage guarantee, security for those unwilling to to work
I mean why work if you don’t have too and look like a do gooder jerk

Also don’t ever worry about sickness as our healthcare for all will take care of you
Ignore the fact your doctor arrived from a third world nation being paddled by six lepers in a bamboo canoe

Finally to keep people like me in power the Electoral College is going away
We refuse to honor a process that keeps all states equal and ends like Hillary’s dismay

If my promises ring hollow and my thoughts of making America reliant you disregard
Just remember, for those that don’t follow me I’ll be happy to pull the racist card.

0

Little Girl Lost

Wake up and good morning sweet girl, pretty granddaughter
I’m very sorry due to your gender you’ll be treated like a fish out of water
You see society is determining that just wanting to be a girl is reprehensible
The fact that wanting to play with dolls and wearing curls is not defensible
You’ll soon be initiated into what was once considered alternate lifestyles
The schools will educate, social media will preach and television enforces across all dials
You’ll be introduced into sports to compete against other kids
The sports will all be gender neutral as competing your own sex the law forbids
When you finally reach high school and can compete against all female teams
Unfortunately there’s always an opponent who’s six four with a beard or so it seems
Though she identifies as a female the fact she wears a jock seems a bit discerning
You see little girl it’s all part of your life you’ll be learning
Sex education will never be the same and neither will be home ec class
The school board terrified of reprisal wants no part of a vocal group’s lambastes
The gym teacher will no longer get by with an anatomy poster and a thirty minute videotape
The instructor now comes with a laundry list covering everything from disease to rape
Advising the merits of experimentation to satisfy a growing curiosity
And for the moment it’s okay to push aside your background of religiosity
The playground groups whisper about who’s done what and who is square
So when your moment comes are you willing to try on a double dog dare
The days of high school dances cruising the strip and making out in the back seat
Have been replaced with heterosexual hesitation and hoping that doesn’t end as a bad tweet
Just wanting to be a strong free thinking woman just doesn’t cut it anymore
To be independent is considered gauche. One must embrace an alt lifestyle for society to adore
It’s a pack mentality, keeping the group intact, intimidation by numbers
Ideas impressed in young minds creating fitful dreams while one slumbers
So little one enjoy your playtime, your tea parties and dressing in Mom’s attire
As soon confusion about yourself will arise from lectures advocated as the law requires

0

The Late Night Infomercial Discount Funeral Director

Hello folks, glad you tuned in. My name is Alex, your money protector

And I’m your late night burial on a budget funeral director

We know times are tough and with the price of funerals it’s easy to deduce

That ten thousand dollar term life insurance policy will soon vamoose

There’s a multitude of tacked on costs involved with the actual service

But there’s no need to feel dejected, super anxious or extremely nervous

We can fill your needs, cut the superfluous add-ons to go with what is essential

And of course keep all details of the arrangements completely confidential

You’ve talked to the local mortuary personnel and though they seemed sincere

But while explaining the extra charges they sounded like a livestock auctioneer

You see a funeral isn’t a stuff ’em, praise ’em and plant ’em situation

There are multiple choices to be made post haste in this time of devastation

We’re here to take you away from unnecessary costs in your time of need

Tell us what you can comfortably spend, as your budget we won’t exceed

If you’re financially strapped, with only the Social Security benefit of two fifty five

Just ask for the government burial special and that’s no jive

We’ll treat the remains right, you need not worry about a thing

We handle documents, the casket and with our boom box memorial angels sing

The ceremony is quick, efficient, easy on the pocketbook so all is good

The casket is sealed with caulk and made from genuine plywood

Our Econovan is shined and polished to transport the loved one to our own cemetery

If pall bearers are in short supply, we have a jeep with a winch on stand by if necessary

If you prefer cremation we also offer special arrangements way below market price

Why pay thousands when our budget service will more than suffice

Finally we offer to those in economic hardship our bottom line no frills plan

For thirty nine ninety nine we handle business as only we can

The burial is in our compost pile with our twice yearly turnover guarantee

Our own fire pit is used for cremation to keep the details hassle free

The body is covered with remnants from our casket workshop

Two cans of lighter fluid are ceremoniously sprayed over the top

Words of tribute pour from our blue tooth speaker as the pyre is lit with a keepsake lighter

A souvenir to save in these difficult time to make things brighter

So give us a call when times are trying and money is tight

Dealing with death is bad enough but cleaning your savings out shouldn’t add to the fright

2

Want Ad Translator

IMG_1417

It was Sunday, the paper’s heavy and the Classified section thick

Bills  are due, employment was needed and not a lot of room to cherry pick

Some new employment want ads might be a possible opportunity

A new posting even shows a job hiring in a nearby community

Closer inspection reveals the job description might need translation

Years of experience helped peruse the ads to avoid future frustration

Certain phrases hoist the red flags and should be discussed during the interview

Notices always promises stability, excellent conditions and part of a progressive crew

However what is written and real life might be the difference of night and day

A  quick look at some of the phrases might eliminate frustration and paycheck dismay

Fast Paced Environment: Meaning you’re in over your head from day one

As we have no training program you’ll work slavishly until deciding cut and run

Must be Flexible: We are short staffed, our place is a mess, you’d better be good with a broom

Oh and three days a week, be early as you’ll be mopping and scrubbing the restroom

Must be accurate: Pay attention to every detail, have positive attitude, and be highly organized

Our manager is a nit picker, tattles to the boss for minor infractions, so you will be scrutinized

Huge Opportunity for Growth: We’re broke and have only twenty four dollars in our bank account

An immediate need for you to land three huge clients within the week would be paramount

Must be a Team Player and able to Multitask: We are undisciplined and have no faith in our current staff

You’ll fill in when a deadbeat doesn’t show up, you’ll do his job and yours, but first you need a polygraph

Salary Commensurate with Experience: This phrase means we’re not planning on paying the new employee squat

You better be willing to work long hours for the minimum,  if expecting more wear clothes that make you look hot.

Years of want ad followup has led me to these conclusions, the job just might not be as the ad appears

So I’ll tell the unemployment lady I’m still out looking and have myself a few more beers.

                                                                                                                                

 

0

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑