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An Observer of Life in Bad Poetry

Commentary on Daily Life, Politics and Sports

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Christmas

Every Time A Bell Rings

The hot chocolate had been served and the Christmas carols were in full swing

The blabber mouth parrot had already stated for the fortieth time that “every time a bell rings an angel gets her wings”

A muffled knock on the door caused all the heads to look up simultaneously

“Ask for the password” said two of the party spontaneously

“Password?” asked the host shushing his guests with his ear against the door

“Clarence” came the whispered reply barely audible so the neighbors wouldn’t hear and the party be done for

“Were you followed?” asked the host peering through the blackout curtains to the empty street

“No” said the guest. “I backtracked to make sure I wasn’t followed. I was very discrete”

“I parked down the block and used a holly branch to cover my tracks in the snow”

“And then crawled along the fence so I wouldn’t be seen and no one would know”

“Every time the door bell rings we think we’re getting caught in a government sting,” said the parrot from his perch

Always fearing the worst the host glared at the bird paranoid this gathering would leave him in a lurch

The good hearted Bedford Falls policeman had been replaced by a tattooed social worker always in a bad mood

If caught with a gathering more than five large fines and community service were doled out with no arguing as you were positively screwed

Whatever happened to “Remember no man is a failure as long as he has friends”

It seems this phrase has been replaced by “A man can have friends as long as he pays the price for the rules he bends”

The party started up again in a more relaxed mood enjoying Uncle Billy quietly tickling the piano keys

Happy in the warmth and fellowship, savoring the carefully prepacked buffet and for once not worrying about the heavily politicized disease

The bird had been strangely quiet but the host was sure it wouldn’t last long

He didn’t realize that when he taught the parrot “the bell” slogan he would be so wrong

The laughter and smiles continued as all in the party were enjoying themselves

Relishing the glow from the punch and telling ribald stories about the elves on the shelves

When all at once the party groaned and then cheered as the parrot screeched from his swing

“Every time a bell rings, WHOA! WAIT! Who let the cat in?”

The Holiday Haters Radio Station


We appreciate our many loyal listeners who have requested no Christmas music on this radio station
The constant jingle jangle of holiday themed melodies at every turn leads to unrelenting aggravation

To appease you our listeners we’ve created an alt station for both streaming and on the air at 99.8
These songs will tell a different story though the tunes may sound familiar they will morph into a song you won’t hate

Below is just a sample of what this new seasonal station will try to undertake
So kick back and turn it up when you feel you need a holiday break

There’s No Place Like Home For The Holidays: These days in this politically alienating time sometimes it’s hard being at home for the holiday

The song now goes we arrive at the last minute, gulp down the feast and be out the door and by the time angry Uncle Joe picks a fight we’re well down the road in our Hyundai

Little Drummer Boy: For political correctness sake, now the Little Drummer Person
Just what the new parents needed, after quieting those noisy lowing cattle, some kid pounding on a drum causing the infant child’s crying to worsen.

Baby It’s Cold Outside: An inappropriate song about using alcohol for sex
Now a song about surprise when Baby turns out to have male private parts and huge pecs

Do You Hear What I Hear: The first line of lyric is the same asking if you can hear
Only now the song is about an over bearing abusive husband hollering for more queso dip and beer

Deck The Halls: A song about decorating the house for the yuletide season
Now a song about appropriate ways to brighten the house so you won’t be charged for treason

I Saw Mama Kissing Santa Claus: Now changed to I Saw Mama Kissing Mrs. Claus
Since Mama was just outed this year it should be an interesting dinner with the in laws

Our goal is that by the end of the season our listeners will appreciate our endeavor
We feel that since the Christmas music starts now before Halloween our station is better late than never

Pucki: The Stable Mucking Elf

I suppose by now you all have seen the story of the happy elves in Santa’s workshop
Singing, dancing and tapping away all wearing their cute pointy elf hats on top
Did you ever stop for a minute about who cares for the fat man’s reindeer?
Somehow the elf H R crone assigned that job to me as my new career
I really don’t understand her notion that I’m the one who peed in her Wheaties
Maybe thinking that my sweet sugar plum bribe attempt added to her type II diabetes
Elf school is a cut throat competition as jobs are assigned from workshop to stable mucker
The brown nosing that goes on is enough to make portions of your anatomy pucker
So here I am in the busiest time of the year with my wheelbarrow and muck rake
Up to my boot tops in high octane poo and a massive whiskey induced headache
This time of year Santa brings barrels of steroid feed complete with a hazmat warning
Though the stuff is smoking when added to the ration, it keeps them flying from night to morning
Then the day after the great ride I’m charged with the responsibility and to go to any length
To nurse those worn out bug splattered prima donna reindeer back to their previous strength
Please don’t get me started on those crybabies with their belly-aching whiny personalities
Because with all the the yearly press they draw they think they’re A-list celebrities
First there is Donner, dumb as a brick but biggest by far assigned to be the team leader
But he’s always bleeting in that obnoxious nasal voice for more hay in his feeder
Next is Comet the fastest but without a special bit causes the sleigh to pull to the right
And being only slightly off course can cause entire countries to be missed while flying at night
Then the two divas Prancer and Dancer, be glad homes are playing music about mistletoe and holly
If the music were show tunes the neighborhood would awaken their bad rendition of Hello Dolly
In the harness next are the over sexed devious love birds Vixen and Cupid
Always sneaking out behind the spruces thinking we are blind and stupid
Santa still gets the Wichita parents’ stink eye because of the incident behind the toy sack
Observed by many, parents had to explain to their tykes the deer were playing piggyback
Lastly we come to Dasher and Blitzen both with bad attitudes and horrible goof offs
Their contribution to the team is trying to hog the feed as soon as it hits the troughs
Finally let me clear up one last enduring rumor, red nosed Rudolph doesn’t exist
I understand the statement is surprisingly harsh and people will no doubt be pissed
It all started years ago on takeoff Donner got his head stuck in some decorations
Once in the air there’s no turning back the radar is updated as Santa tags all the locations
Donner spent that entire night trying to shake a Christmas tree bulb out of his nose
An unsuspecting Santa was caught up in the myth and decided not to disclose
All the “had a very shiny nose” drivel sounds adorable in nursery school
And to state the truth publicly would be construed as callous and cruel
So I’m shining up the harness and bells getting ready for the big night
Just remember it’s me Pucki, who makes your days be “Merry and Bright.”

The Christmas Bonus

 

Continue reading “The Christmas Bonus”

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