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A Christmas Carol 2025

Ring ting a ting. The bell ringer at the storefront continued with his greetings to the weary shoppers

The worn out souls searching for the gift meeting their kids’ demands, within budget, while trying to digest the lunch of coffee and whoppers

Merely glancing the ringers way the shopper hurried home only to have the garage door remote become a face, vibrate, and speak

“Mr. Smith,” the remote declared. “Tonight you will be visited by three ghosts. One of Christmas past, the present and the future,” causing Mr Smith to dash inside while muffling a shriek

“I must be dreaming,” thought Joe Smith. “Or perhaps it was the red onions in that ground beef”

Joe forgot to say hold the onions as those red onions always gave Joe’s stomach untold grief

“That must be what is was,” sighed Mr Smith while dozing off in his recliner

Glorious dreams ensued while the football game played across his screen as Joe himself scored the winning points as the star Forty-niner

“Mr Smith!” The screen had changed to that face seen on his remote. “You will now be visited by the ghost of Christmas past”

Then a spirit appeared dressed in his grandma’s attire though granny had long since breathed her last

The kindly voice called him by his childhood name. “Joey,” she called. “Come with me and let’s visit your home from your boyhood years”

Suddenly it was 1985 and there was Joey looking bewildered as He-Man action figure wasn’t under the tree and Joey was close to tears

“Joey please remember that since daddy left your mama she isn’t able to give everyone the presents they want, so everyone has to share”

“But grandma this is the worst Christmas ever. No daddy. No He-Man, and I don’t want to play with the baby’s teddy bear”

“Someday you’ll understand,” said the kindly vision. “Parents do all they can even when they realize it’s not enough”

Joey then realized that his mother had been working two jobs to make ends meet and without much sleep the stress was taking its toll as she was beginning to look rough

But before Joe could tell his mother how much he loved her she was gone and Joe was whisked to Christmas present

The new vision was not the kindly grandma from the past. This one had the same persona of his much despised manager. The same attitude, coffee breath, and shabby tie of the man whose underlings he loved to torment

The same guy who promoted the low IQ woman whose job expertise was letting him look down her blouse

He was extra nice to her but to all others was a scheming back-stabbing louse

“Did you finish those reports Mr Smith? You know I need them on my desk before you go home”

And seeing how he just dropped them in front of Joe an hour ago, it occurred to Joe that he wanted to yank out those six hairs plastered to his shiny dome

“You know your Christmas bonus might just depend on you finishing those reports”

The bonus once again being a three pound ham and a donation in Joe’s name to a charity the boss supports

Mr Smith had been grinding away at the same job for twenty-eight years as the ghost pointed out

And Christmas’s were always the worst. Money was tight, work schedules were demanding, but ol’ reliable Smith was always there to kick about

But before he had time to vent his frustrations to the current ghost, he was bundled away to future Christmases that would come his way

A new ghost appeared. This one called himself Mohamad and wasn’t on a sleigh

Instead, he rode a carpet of woven wool accompanied by his third child bride

It seems Christmas had been abolished. Congress had imploded into the great political divide

The far east had appointed themselves as leaders, now commanded all citizens and therefore rejected all things once celebrated by the west

They killed all the dogs, forced women to hide behind their garments and hung anyone daring to protest

This time there was no Mr Scrooge to see the light, no living happily ever after, or seeing the wonderment in a child’s eyes

Just a strictly regimented life, whose control was someone elses’ and the drudgery of a controlled daily life everyone despises

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Tell Us What You Think About Your Visit

The receipt read this store values your feedback. Please fill out the short survey and have a chance at the monthly drawing to win a $500 gift card

(and just so you know since you filled out the survey before if you don’t answer these questions your e-mail box we will bombard)

The alleged short survey asks for a star rating on a few particular items purchased today

The store not only asks for your money to purchase their product, but also your free time much to your dismay

You had maneuvered your cart up and down the clogged aisles, past annoying merchandise display shippers, other shoppers and employees filling multiple on-line requests

The highlight of the shopping experience, sitting on their soft drink lined mechanized carts were very obese customers in various stages of undress

Finally, after an exhausting search for the last item on your list, you jockey your cart to the self- checkout

The two manned registers had a long lines, so the open checkout register seemed to be the quickest route

But the machine charged you $28 for a four dollar item meaning you had to press the need assistance light

And the only store employee with the magic code to over-ride the machine error was nowhere in sight

So the fastest way out of the store now became an interminable 12-minute wait

At last exiting the store you had to push past the cute little tykes hawking their fund-raising wares, not believing the four-letter words coming from the children mouths filled with so much hate

Eventually unloading the items purchased it wasn’t ten minutes before your e-mail inbox chimed

It was as if the big box store had your location and your trip home timed

So to keep the inbox clutter-free and to get the store off your back you go ahead and take the survey

The e-mail stated a short survey, but time required and the sheer number of questions asked, the short survey turned into a grad school essay

Were you greeted by a team member? How was the product variety, availability and value? Were you offered assistance?

As with all big box stores, you’re there because their discounted prices have driven the little guys out of business, and you think you saw a store associate off in the distance

Fifteen minutes into the survey answering why you checked a three star instead of five

You realize most of this survey was just a lot of corporate jive

What the store really wants to know is why you are buying a particular product to help with future product distribution

In reality, since you rolled your cart up and down the endless aisles, self checked, paid your hard-earned money, and sacked your own purchases, was the store really out reward you for your contribution

But if you think you have a shot in hell of winning the cash prize

Read the fine print in the rules and regulations and let that dose of reality hit you right between the eyes

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Merry Christmas Taxpayers, Here’s A 1.7 Trillion Debt Just For You

In 1869 Leo Tolstoy published the first complete edition of “War and Peace.” At 1225 pages the novel is reasoned to be a very long read.

It’s been estimated the average person would take 32 hours to finish causing many a literary student’s eyes to bleed

Considered by many to be one of the finest novels ever written, one doesn’t sit down and expect to complete the reading in a couple of days

At close to 4200 pages the new Omnibus spending bill is over three time longer than “War and Peace”and presented to Congress with only three days to read and appraise

In the movie All The Presidents Men, the deep throat character advised the reporter, “these are not very bright guys.” The same holds true for this group of lawmakers

Because most have to use their fingers and move their lips when reading, interns are hired to read the legislation and break down the language for these so called movers and shakers

The current Omnibus Spending Bill cements their place at the public trough for next year’s Congressional session

Ensuring the taxpayers’ great grandkids a Christmas present of untold debt and freedom supression

What’s another trillion among friends? Belly up to the bar with your list of pork demands

Bring in an outsider in a t-shirt to tell Americans they haven’t paid enough for his failings as he parades around playing to the grandstands

Pay federal lawyers a couple of billion to continue their paper trail for the January 6th Kabuki play

But don’t give a dime to the southern border as the migrant surge continues to feast on taxpayers seemingly unending buffet

“I often think how unfairly lifes good fortune is sometimes distributed” laments Leo Tolstoy in “War and Peace”

The quote still holds true 150 years later as Congress continues to greedily slurp the gravy at the public trough and the taxpayers they continue to fleece

So amid the shouts of joy from the great grandchildren on Christmas morning will be the biggest present of all unseen under the tree

The bill for 1.7 trillion and all the future bleakness and tragedies happily passed along by the current powers that be

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A New World Order Christmas

Mandatory overtime had been issued for the last ninety days. The elves were not in their usual joyous mood.

Santa was using his whip on those he considered shirkers as he resorted to constantly cursing and appeared unglued

He was living with new work orders that had been issued by the high command that threatened him with immediate dismissal

It seems that the standard toys such as dolls and video games had been replaced with New Green Deal themed gifts causing the hair on Santa’s neck to bristle

Here it was just before the annual nighttime sleigh ride and he was still scrounging favors from his suppliers to put his list together

His elf packers were frantically loading the sleigh with their hastily drawn plan-o-grams while Santa was grumbling about the approaching weather

“Climate change, my fat ass,” he thought as pulled on his thermal underwear and specially insulated gloves

He already knew he’d be spending this entire Christmas Eve leaving presents behind that no kid loves

Big on his list were mantle display jars so progressive parents could proudly exhibit little Billy’s testicles as mommy and daddy decided to go with the gender-less fad

Santa was also perplexed with the number of requests for the Trump digital trading cards as he studied his list on his I-pad

It seems that Trump in a Superman suit was gaining on the demands for a look alike Zelensky green t-shirt

Security cameras and alarm systems were loaded on the sleigh in an attempt to keep the huge influx of migrants out of people’s homes as the unabated surge continues from the southern desert

The list also highlighted the most requested stocking stuffer as being air freshener and shoe cleaner to help with the odor of having to step through the homeless human waste left on the steps of the office entryway

“It’s gonna be a weird Christmas,” thought Santa as he was checking his orders against what was loaded on his sleigh

“I just hope we don’t get chopped to bits by some spinning windmill that is hard to see in the dark”

Hoping that this year’s “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night,” wouldn’t be his last remark

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A Holiday Adventure at a Charging Station

It was miserably cold and snowing. The battery indicator readout was dangerously low and Granny’s house was still 150 miles away

The digital numbers were ticking near 20% and dropping rapidly on the display

Passing many service stations with high priced gas, the young mother would have gladly paid six dollars a gallon for a full tank and a seven minute stop

The three young kids all strapped in were fussy and the dog probably needed to pee. The past four hours of squinting through the blurry windshield left her ready to drop

Luckily she was able to pull into a vacant government charging station to plug in as she had downloaded the proper app

Perhaps she’d be able to get the three kids into the snack and restroom kiosk and once back in the car they’ll take a nap

The meter was showing it would be approximately 73 minutes to obtain enough charge to make it to Granny’s house

Guilted into this journey so Granny could spend the holidays with the grandkids, the young mother wasn’t real happy with her absent spouse

Now in addition to changing the kids in the family friendly kiosk facility she had to figure a way to walk the dog

Maybe her one break with the wintery weather is that no one would see the dog relieving himself just outside the car door in the snow and fog

“I’m tired of this movie when are we going to get there?’ asked the five year old from the back seat

Squawked another, “I’m hungry and my feet are cold would you please turn up the heat?”

Silently cursing the DC group that killed the oil industry, she now had to keep her group entertained for the same amount of time it would have taken to finish the trip to Granny’s

Maybe they’ll be willing to play “Find the french fry” that might have fallen into one of the nooks and crannies

As a final insult to this frustrating stop, she had to reach into her purse and get a firm grip on the pepper spray she had concealed

And hoping the dog’s frenzied barking would deter the strange looking man currently knocking on the windshield

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A Hater’s Holiday

The room was bright, the sun was up as he groaned and opened his eyes

His all consuming addiction to hatred left him hungover as last night’s anger lit up the night skies

Because now all that fake holiday spirit was thrust again on the public and someone has to pay

He’s learned to despise this season with all the plastic decorations, prejudiced well wishers and Santa’s faded sleigh

Forget the fact that kids might for a short time believe in something good

Their parents should concentrate only on his philosophy, understand he’s right and then he won’t be misunderstood

He was dealt a bad hand by being one of the chosen few born a free-thinker in the USA

Preaching regularly he renounces all capitalism as that only leads to society’s decay

Longing to be recognized as a freedom fighter and rally the socialist ranks to overthrow the government oppressors

His persona had been formed early by public education and pretentious leftist professors

Harshly passing judgment on those saps trudging to work every day to earn a living wage

Serving only to fuel his inner resentment of having no bankable skills or sense of responsibility both stoking his barely controllable rage

And now he has to listen to those unauthentic holiday greetings and wishes of good will

Well, he has news for those chumps. A revolution is coming and this ain’t Whoville

Laughing to himself, he knows who’s right and those despicable fools can sing Jingle Bells around their pathetic celebration

Content in his knowledge it’s only a matter of time before this yearly occurrence falls victim to cancel culture politicization

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Every Time A Bell Rings

The hot chocolate had been served and the Christmas carols were in full swing

The blabber mouth parrot had already stated for the fortieth time that “every time a bell rings an angel gets her wings”

A muffled knock on the door caused all the heads to look up simultaneously

“Ask for the password” said two of the party spontaneously

“Password?” asked the host shushing his guests with his ear against the door

“Clarence” came the whispered reply barely audible so the neighbors wouldn’t hear and the party be done for

“Were you followed?” asked the host peering through the blackout curtains to the empty street

“No” said the guest. “I backtracked to make sure I wasn’t followed. I was very discrete”

“I parked down the block and used a holly branch to cover my tracks in the snow”

“And then crawled along the fence so I wouldn’t be seen and no one would know”

“Every time the door bell rings we think we’re getting caught in a government sting,” said the parrot from his perch

Always fearing the worst the host glared at the bird paranoid this gathering would leave him in a lurch

The good hearted Bedford Falls policeman had been replaced by a tattooed social worker always in a bad mood

If caught with a gathering more than five large fines and community service were doled out with no arguing as you were positively screwed

Whatever happened to “Remember no man is a failure as long as he has friends”

It seems this phrase has been replaced by “A man can have friends as long as he pays the price for the rules he bends”

The party started up again in a more relaxed mood enjoying Uncle Billy quietly tickling the piano keys

Happy in the warmth and fellowship, savoring the carefully prepacked buffet and for once not worrying about the heavily politicized disease

The bird had been strangely quiet but the host was sure it wouldn’t last long

He didn’t realize that when he taught the parrot “the bell” slogan he would be so wrong

The laughter and smiles continued as all in the party were enjoying themselves

Relishing the glow from the punch and telling ribald stories about the elves on the shelves

When all at once the party groaned and then cheered as the parrot screeched from his swing

“Every time a bell rings, WHOA! WAIT! Who let the cat in?”

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The Holiday Haters Radio Station


We appreciate our many loyal listeners who have requested no Christmas music on this radio station
The constant jingle jangle of holiday themed melodies at every turn leads to unrelenting aggravation

To appease you our listeners we’ve created an alt station for both streaming and on the air at 99.8
These songs will tell a different story though the tunes may sound familiar they will morph into a song you won’t hate

Below is just a sample of what this new seasonal station will try to undertake
So kick back and turn it up when you feel you need a holiday break

There’s No Place Like Home For The Holidays: These days in this politically alienating time sometimes it’s hard being at home for the holiday

The song now goes we arrive at the last minute, gulp down the feast and be out the door and by the time angry Uncle Joe picks a fight we’re well down the road in our Hyundai

Little Drummer Boy: For political correctness sake, now the Little Drummer Person
Just what the new parents needed, after quieting those noisy lowing cattle, some kid pounding on a drum causing the infant child’s crying to worsen.

Baby It’s Cold Outside: An inappropriate song about using alcohol for sex
Now a song about surprise when Baby turns out to have male private parts and huge pecs

Do You Hear What I Hear: The first line of lyric is the same asking if you can hear
Only now the song is about an over bearing abusive husband hollering for more queso dip and beer

Deck The Halls: A song about decorating the house for the yuletide season
Now a song about appropriate ways to brighten the house so you won’t be charged for treason

I Saw Mama Kissing Santa Claus: Now changed to I Saw Mama Kissing Mrs. Claus
Since Mama was just outed this year it should be an interesting dinner with the in laws

Our goal is that by the end of the season our listeners will appreciate our endeavor
We feel that since the Christmas music starts now before Halloween our station is better late than never

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Pucki: The Stable Mucking Elf

I suppose by now you all have seen the story of the happy elves in Santa’s workshop
Singing, dancing and tapping away all wearing their cute pointy elf hats on top
Did you ever stop for a minute about who cares for the fat man’s reindeer?
Somehow the elf H R crone assigned that job to me as my new career
I really don’t understand her notion that I’m the one who peed in her Wheaties
Maybe thinking that my sweet sugar plum bribe attempt added to her type II diabetes
Elf school is a cut throat competition as jobs are assigned from workshop to stable mucker
The brown nosing that goes on is enough to make portions of your anatomy pucker
So here I am in the busiest time of the year with my wheelbarrow and muck rake
Up to my boot tops in high octane poo and a massive whiskey induced headache
This time of year Santa brings barrels of steroid feed complete with a hazmat warning
Though the stuff is smoking when added to the ration, it keeps them flying from night to morning
Then the day after the great ride I’m charged with the responsibility and to go to any length
To nurse those worn out bug splattered prima donna reindeer back to their previous strength
Please don’t get me started on those crybabies with their belly-aching whiny personalities
Because with all the the yearly press they draw they think they’re A-list celebrities
First there is Donner, dumb as a brick but biggest by far assigned to be the team leader
But he’s always bleeting in that obnoxious nasal voice for more hay in his feeder
Next is Comet the fastest but without a special bit causes the sleigh to pull to the right
And being only slightly off course can cause entire countries to be missed while flying at night
Then the two divas Prancer and Dancer, be glad homes are playing music about mistletoe and holly
If the music were show tunes the neighborhood would awaken their bad rendition of Hello Dolly
In the harness next are the over sexed devious love birds Vixen and Cupid
Always sneaking out behind the spruces thinking we are blind and stupid
Santa still gets the Wichita parents’ stink eye because of the incident behind the toy sack
Observed by many, parents had to explain to their tykes the deer were playing piggyback
Lastly we come to Dasher and Blitzen both with bad attitudes and horrible goof offs
Their contribution to the team is trying to hog the feed as soon as it hits the troughs
Finally let me clear up one last enduring rumor, red nosed Rudolph doesn’t exist
I understand the statement is surprisingly harsh and people will no doubt be pissed
It all started years ago on takeoff Donner got his head stuck in some decorations
Once in the air there’s no turning back the radar is updated as Santa tags all the locations
Donner spent that entire night trying to shake a Christmas tree bulb out of his nose
An unsuspecting Santa was caught up in the myth and decided not to disclose
All the “had a very shiny nose” drivel sounds adorable in nursery school
And to state the truth publicly would be construed as callous and cruel
So I’m shining up the harness and bells getting ready for the big night
Just remember it’s me Pucki, who makes your days be “Merry and Bright.”

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The Christmas Bonus

 

Continue reading “The Christmas Bonus” →

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