Search

An Observer of Life in Bad Poetry

Commentary on Daily Life, Politics and Sports

Open Search
Category

advertising

Granny Hung A Telemarketer

The cross arm creaked as the deceased swung in the breeze. Ironically the body was hanged from a phone pole.

Granny was fogging her oxygen mask as she wheeled away from the scene wrapped tightly in her stole

It seems the patients at Shady Acres Retirement Home had enough of the sincere sounding hucksters calling all the residents on their phones

Urgent requests came in daily advising money or credit card info is needed to pay off a grandchild’s multiple student loans

Or maybe for a few dollars given to a charity organization, little Sally might be able to take her first steps

And if you need a minute to retrieve your credit card numbers, you may then give them to one of our courteous reps

The next call coming in might be a concerned citizen with a foreign accent advising that an important package had been delivered to him by mistake

He then states he is broke and since it’s a certified delivery, to forward it to you, $200 is what it would take

An hour later was a message stating that signing up for this “special senior care” car warranty, one would never have to worry again about your car breaking down

Seeing how the kids took her car keys away five years ago, Granny figured she might be able to trick this clown

So between breaks in the bingo game the group of granny “rowdies” devised a scheme

They would lure a telemarketer into their lair with promises of riches, property and if necessary sex to complete his dream

Meeting at the picnic table behind the home, the starry eyed slickster showed up only to receive a hard right cross from a crutch and multiple blows from an oxygen tank

Steadying his battered body on a chair and with the supp hose wrapped tightly around his neck, Granny gave the chair a yank

“Call us now, you twerp!” yelled the group in a show of solidarity

And with that the group returned to their bingo game and continued their discussion of aches, tired cafeteria food, grandchildren, and irregularity

0

EVs, The Laser Disc of this Generation

In days of yore, the 80s, VHS tapes ruled. Movie rental stores were popping up overnight like a mushroom

Everywhere one looked, a retail store would rent you a video that once at home one with a remote could stop and later resume

People waited in long lines to rent or buy the latest movie release to take home and enjoy from the comfort of their easy chair

Sure, the picture wasn’t great, the video needed to be returned in two days, and don’t forget to rewind or suffer through the store clerk’s glare

Suddenly, on the horizon, a new format came into view. It was called laser disc and it was forecast to sweep the nation

This disc was to take the audio-visual world by storm with a crystal clear picture and perfect sound all adding to the hype and celebration

The new disc was the answer to VHS tapes’ clarity issues, broken cassettes, and tape eating playback machines

This new format was touted as the next big thing, a fix to all problems. One can now take their tape player out and smash it to smithereens

But almost as soon as this new product rolled out, massive problems appeared

As with any new product released too soon many issues caused its downfall and was gone in just a few short years after it premiered

Many challenges plagued the discs. They were heavy, did not tolerate any abuse, had to be flipped halfway through a movie, and the players were very expensive.

Fast forward forty years to the laser disc of this generation and the propaganda surrounding the EV is quite intensive

They’re the answer to all the combustion engine problems. No gas is required, no emissions will spew forth and the vehicles can be charged in one’s home

They’re made of plastic, run by a battery, and won’t be decorated with fake wood panels or garish strips of chrome

“You will buy the EV. You won’t question our orders because if you do the earth will die and you will feel the guilt”

This sounds great on the commercial but just don’t turn back the sheets to see what lurks beneath the quilt

Like the laser disc being released too soon, electric vehicles aren’t as rosy as they seem. The batteries are constructed from extremely toxic rare earth minerals mined overseas, the charge takes hours and only lasts a couple hundred miles, the price of electricity is high but not to worry the cars are unaffordable anyway

So buyer beware. Save your pennies, drive your gas car and wait for hydrogen power before you spend your hard-earned pay

0

To Annoy is to Sell

Currently there is a car commercial focused on a children’s orchestra struggling to play a musical piece

Cut to the fashionable Mom shutting her windows and moonroof as these children’s valiant efforts were causing eye rolling and her forehead to crease

I suppose this hyper anxious Mom would be able to jump out of her silenced domain, pick up a horn and effortlessly knock out a quick version of “Hoe Down” by Copeland

The idea is to imply these kids’ efforts aren’t worth her attention so shut them out while they struggle with the rest of the band

The next commercial focuses on a family proudly eyeing a winning lottery ticket that was placed on the table when one of the kids spills a glass of juice

As the liquid advances across the wooden surface, the family, horror-stricken all scream like they have a screw loose

Here’s an idea. Just pickup the ticket and then worry about cleaning up the mess

Mr Spock would term this logical as this would reduce these dullards’ drama queen stress

Turn on any sporting event and the first commercial break will feature a sportsbook advising how you can instantly win cash

The ad features exploding graphics, fans high fivin’, and implied riches while in reality you should be watching your bank account crash

The excitement is to have you dial these gambling houses up, but be sure to have a credit card handy

They need to know you are credit worthy and will cut you off when you reach an approved limit as that is their real modus operandi

That brings us to the big stupid bird and the guy in sunglasses dressed in yellow with the toothpick

This long-running campaign makes the bird the brighter of the two as the guy appears thick as a brick

Of course this company has always treated viewers like idiots with “out of work actors, dancing mimes, and a Saturday night cowboy”

Hopefully this assault on intelligence works as these commercials seemingly only strive to annoy

0

Any Variant is a New Green Deal

The numbers were phenomenal. Sales of their new vaccine had been through the roof

Suddenly people that had been vaccinated and supposedly immune were getting sick. New cases shown from each state were the proof.

The boardroom was quiet as the CEO rose to speak. “This is unacceptable, people are starting to question our capability.”

“We have to act fast while our leader is holding on to the pandemic as his savior before he gets the boot due to his senility.”

“People are no longer lining up and rolling up their sleeves as they are defying the government’s mandate”

“We can’t allow people to begin to think for themselves and our momentum to stagnate”

“What we need is a new variant to spook the population. That always sends them scurrying to the nearest clinic”

“Sure, there will always be people to question our drug with cases showing multiple clots and heart issues but by scaring enough people we can withstand the occasional cynic”

“Has anyone here seen a country with an outbreak that looks a little different from what we’re seeing now?”

“J.R.,” said one of the researchers from behind his laptop screen. “I see where 63 people dropped dead in Macao”

“Terrific! No wait a minute isn’t Macao now controlled by China. That might just be another experiment by the Wuhan lab”

“Come to think of it, this could be perfect. We could put the Chinese scare into the population just to make sure they all line up for another jab”

“We could recycle our excess vaccines, package the product differently and relabel it as Booster 4.”

“That way the government will continue to pour money into our coffers and we can hide huge amounts of profits into bank accounts offshore”

“We should send China a thank you note. If we can spring a new variant every six months or so, our profits will continue to soar, as it looks like we’ve only just begun”

“Since the government has granted us immunity from law suits we can say we love our new variants. To paraphrase Tiny Tim, “God bless the new viruses everyone”

0

Goodbye Aunt Jemima, I Only Knew You As Good

Goodbye Aunt Jemima, I only knew you as good
Your label meant quality only now misunderstood

Those easily offended decided your image needed to be removed
A corporate decision to ingratiate your product in the black community and race relations are improved

Your icon a while back by a board room decision had been modernized
Your now dark skinned June Cleaver depiction again needs changing as self righteous indignation has the nation paralyzed

So we’ll package your superior quality and once proud product under a different label
Just so we can serve the same ingredients on the breakfast table

So when the new sterile packaging is complete
Your next step will be to take care of the chef on Cream of Wheat

And in the end when the expense of repackaging and distribution it will require
The tremendous cost will be passed on to the cost conscious food buyer

It won’t stop here product names will continually change lest a group be offended
Spineless corporations will inevitability bow to vocal groups as reality is suspended

Gone is Mia, the Land of Lakes maiden. “She was representing sex trafficking,” the offended would boast
That’s exactly what I thought of as I spread that delicious goodness on my toast

Next in line is that summer treat Eskimo Pie
Another example of good intentions gone awry

Most are not really sure how an ice cream on a stick can be that defamatory
However in certain circles the term Eskimo refers to raw meat eaters and that is considered inflammatory

And so it goes, pick a product and someone will be upset
Familiar product names will change over night due to some group’s threat

After brand names, will the outspoken groups go after produce?
There will be no stopping now, all will change, it’s easy to deduce

Grocers will be cautious of profiling not wanting to imply the black race could be associated with the term watermelon
So be prepared for the produce aisles to be advertising specials on aqua fruit before there’s a rebellion

0

Don’t Bogart That E-cig

Don’t Bogart that joint, pass it over to me

In the film Easy Rider the group Fraternity of Man did decree

One can picture Bogie cigarette dangling from his lips in a melancholy film noir

Slouching against a bar, dinner jacket and sleepy eyes fresh from the ingenue’s boudoir

Somehow the impact of the scene would lose effectiveness if Bogart disappeared in a water vapor mist

The movie world would never see when a kiss is just a kiss

Disguising itself as a way to kick tobacco the e-cig industry created a huge income craze

Appealing not only for the buzz but also the cool factor the ad business portrays

Ignore the fact the e-juice may have been assembled by a profiteer at his kitchen table

And to make it look legit slap on a counterfeit label

Today there are expensive devices that produce those euphoric vapors

Gone are the paranoid days at the mini mart buying the J ◊ B rolling papers

Just knowing the entire U.S . Intel community was outside hiding in the kudzu vines

With their sniper scopes trained on your back while peering through the Georgia pines

Many of the present day vaping products sold contain unregulated juice

Pretending lung damage happens to the other guy makes for a risky calculated excuse

Producing a current potential lesson on how to whistle as a walk away tease

“You know how to whistle don’t you? You just put your lips together and wheeze.”

0

Snacking on Jellyfish to Improve my Brain Function

Helping a child with their homework last week I was asked, “What is the capitol of Delaware?”

Drawing a complete blank I was concerned that my once sharp recall was not all there

After seeing commercials how an ingredient found in jellyfish can improve my brain

I decided to give it a try but the prices charged seemed a bit insane

So while at the beach, I found a dead jellyfish washed up on the shore

Though it smelled really fishy the price was certainly better than the supplement store

After brushing sand and a few fiddler crabs off the carcass I tossed it in an ice chest

I did lay a plastic bag over my beer so the cans would taste okay or so I guessed

Arriving home I unloaded the car and set the ice chest on the entrance mat

Within minutes the chest was covered with flies and being eyeballed by the mangy neighborhood cat

Undeterred I brushed off the flies shooed the cat and hosed off the gelatinous remains

Using my wife’s good pizza cutter I carefully sliced off strips avoiding what looked like blue veins

Firing up the grill I figured I could season the the strips with some pepper and barbecue rub

Hoping to produce some brain enhancing ocean fresh non expensive tasty grub

Eagerly anticipating the flavor my cast iron skillet slowly warmed to a medium high heat

I was hoping for possibly a new jerky both beneficial and delicious to eat

Using tongs I coated the strips with oil to keep from sticking and placed them on the grill

Thinking how I liked my secret fish taco recipe I also brushed on a little mustard and dill

What happened next caused Wizard of Oz flashbacks as the strips shriveled like the Wicked Witch’s shoes

They melted into a lava like gooey substance and a toxic smelling juice started to ooze

Sliding a spatula under one of the globs I pasted it on a cracker like hors d’oeurves

As the cracker reached my lips I experienced a flash of internet potential of all natural jellyfish preserves

Just like a kid with an Oreo I licked the bubbling blob to see what I created

Instantly my eyes watered, my throat constricted, and my tongue dilated

Chugging three now warm fishy tasting beers the noxious taste partially subsided

Scraping the skillet into the compost pile I realized my attempt at improving my brain was misguided

To think you can improve your recall by a creature that just floats with the tide

Is falling for an ad campaign based on age paranoia and being taken for a ride

0

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: