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The New AI Academy Awards

“Okay people listen up,” the newly appointed studio head was calling his meeting to order

We’ve just been handed $28,000 to produce the next blockbuster and we’ve got to stay under budget to afford her

“I need some can’t miss ideas to begin the process of our new AI generated movies”

“The whole process shouldn’t take more than a month for all to contribute to these”

“So write down what you think the public would like and to have them lined up at the box office”

“So I can stand at the podium on awards night and accept the statue on behalf of all of us”

With that the three people stared back from around their laptop screens and wondered if David O. Selznick ever felt this way

This group knew they could create a film with themes from yesterday but be able to sell it to the audiences of today

So the ideas pitched by this group were updated versions of blockbusters from the past

With new computer generated locations, dialogue, and cast

Gone With The Breeze: This time set in Texas near the southern border. The main character Kristi, was an oil rich temptress only interested in what she owns

Her income is derived from cheap housing rented to migrants and her chain of stores providing instant cash for title loans

Omar of America: Living in New York, Omar owns all the garbage pick-ups on the eastside. He also dabbles in child porn and drugs

A home in the Hamptons, he drives Cadillacs and Bentleys instead of rugs

One Flew Over The Looney Nest: This movie would center on a person admitted to the White House requiring constant care

The fake doctor in charge signed all his papers, dictated his letters, and through dealings with his corrupt family made him a multi-millionaire

The Decent The Deplorable and the Repulsive: This film would center on current politicians all looking to be remembered as a game-changer

The Decent would be a brash man quick with his six iron, wearing a trademark red hat as he attempts to ward off danger

The Deplorable is still hanging around offering her opinion as though she still has relevancy

Appearing on numerous talk shows to rail on conservative concepts while ignoring the fact she should be jailed for more than one felony

The Repulsive is a group of ancient lawmakers all having served at the pleasure of themselves

While trying to maintain the air of working for the people, their criminal intent appears when deeper into their background one delves

“But can’t we have a film based on an old feel good movie from the past?” asked the new boss

“We thought about that skipper,” said one of the voices from behind the monitor screen. “But Mary Poppins, The Lion King, and the Trapp family have all been killed by Hamas”

0

Plucking The Last Feathers

The work week was over. What was left of your paycheck was deposited after taxes

You’d put in your time, nose to the grindstone, been humiliated by a co-worker, and during the drive home been given the bird by an angry woman in glasses

But the big game was tomorrow and the six pack was cooling under ten pounds of ice

The same ice used on the bag of shrimp you’d found at a very good price

And just when it seemed like the weekend might end on a high note, you scrolled through the messages on your phone

The one that caught your eye was from your TV provider stating the conglomerate owning the sports channels was dropping your provider for reasons unknown

It seems the boys in the boardroom all decided that money alone wasn’t enough, overshadowed by their unquenchable thirst for power

The sports network wanted it all. They’d already taken the gutless conferences hostage with staggered start times now completing the monopoly not caring who they devour

Raise the price charged to the competing provider who were stealing customers by offering better technology and viewing results

And have their own networks talking heads promote their ever spirialing greed while the bill paying customers have to swallow the insults

You’ve been loyal to your own provider and watched as it raised it rates every year

Justified by adding four DIY channels and three more dedicated to alternative lifestyles and the queer

No, you didn’t want the ability to watch NE Montana Technical Institute play women’s volleyball

And you didn’t want to be caught in the middle of the three piece suit boardroom brawl

Life was simple when the game was on one of three channels and was broadcast for free

Now for the price of a monthly utility bill you get a watch a three-hour commercial fest diluted by reviews and one idiot referee

One look at the list of commercials from the wealthiest corporations on the planet

And one might figure the TV providers could broadcast for free, charge these lucrative corporations for the airtime and could still make out like a bandit

But suddenly you are rapidly scrolling for alternative provider plans just to see the game

All you wanted was to kickback for a while but here you sit like a plucked chicken waiting for the flame

0

Maybe You’ll Tolerate This Drug Better

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines tolerate: to endure or resist the action of (something, such as drugs or food) without serious side effects or discomfort

The doctors casually throw this word around to patients when the last drug prescribed caused them to hurt

Still not reducing the size of the baggie filled with prescription bottles of assigned pills

All in an attempt of reducing this patient’s misery and hoping the interaction with the other eight prescribed medicines isn’t what kills

Big Pharma might be pleased with the results. Just maybe this will be a commonly prescribed drug as the test rats are still alive

And if the patient can survive another five years, we can all pat ourselves on the back on how long the patient can survive

Then Big Pharma can lean on the insurance companies, the insurance companies their hospital groups, and the hospital groups their associated physicians

And should the patient balk at a new higher priced drug, the doctors have been programmed to say this drug might be their last chance given their conditions

The boardroom will be a happy place as this drug plus the other eight will make this individual worth 156 grand

And by tying in the insurance companies and their associated hospital groups, we can increase demand

We don’t ever want to address the root cause of this malady as that would end our never ending payday

And cause our ever-growing house of cards to collapse and decay

We can put this pill in a TV ad with a paid actor’s sworn testimony

And potential customers will eat it up not reading the fine print as they would see the ad as phony

Statistics will become a factor. Of the 1000 people not taking this drug (regardless of lifestyle) three people died

And only one person died of the 1000 taking the drug so one would have a 68% of not surviving if you don’t take this drug or so the stats implied

So if you can tolerate this drug and the side effects don’t cripple your lifestyle, you can join the happy people from the ad on the beach kicking up sand

And you’ll never know to that drug company you’re only worth 156 grand

0

The Rage of Self Hatred

Recently a television ad aired showing a young, blue-eyed, blond actress sporting a pair of tight- fitting jeans

Immediate uproar was heard from the leftist crowd as they felt this particular advertisement demeans

The actress didn’t accentuate multicolored hair, excessive tattoos or piercings and wasn’t a minority

Perhaps in real life she stayed in shape as part of her regiment as her looks and body type became her own priority

The company had their choice of people to wear their jeans and drive away in a super car

But hiring a woke person to sell product was attempted by a large beer company in an ad crusade that was quite bizarre

Maybe the Madison Avenue execs are starting to turn the corner with their new campaigns

The bottom line is why they exist and profit generated by their one minute spots keeps fuel in the company’s planes

So the internet has to stir the hatred. This fascist person is selling the Nazi ideal

The self loathing peaks and blood pressure rises when the actress slides behind the wheel and shows her backside to the audience as the tires peel

This person wasn’t an over-weight glutton dancing down the street selling a weight loss pill

Or a minority sniffing a laundry detergent as if it was her only thrill

While the phone pounds away that everyone has it all and all is sensational

But then reality clicks in at the hyper-mart. No cash, no credit, and petty theft occurs as the situation becomes confrontational

“It’s not fair,” the internet screams. All should be equal regardless of education, work ethic, and size of paycheck

So the seething hatred becomes violent. Fast food counters, c-store displays, storefronts, and innocent bystanders’ lives are easy to wreck

The rule of everyone equal has created a mental illness that has gotten out of hand

The continual drumbeat of white superiority and destruction of once peaceful cities all appear government planned

Import 14 million people to live on the dole. Increase the national debt until America is beyond broke

All to advance a policy of governmental control behind the disguise of being woke

They tried diluting an election, forced rapid inflation, spread a lab-grown disease and ordered questionable vaccines

So it’s hard to believe the hoopla being stirred by miserable leftists over a pair of jeans

0

The Flea Market President

The parking lot was blistering hot on Saturday and the store’s aisles were jammed

People were there as soon as the market opened. Ready to trade and dicker with the idea of paying retail being damned

The gently used beanie babies, old high school yearbooks, and grandma’s fine china was there three teacups short

The booth selling health and beauty aids was swarming with customers by offering nutrition supplements, vitamins slightly out of date, and a cream guaranteed to remove that ugly wart

But the booth that really had them packed in was G112 and now expanded to 114.

People wall to wall, it was the Trump booth that had them packed in like a sardine

Customers were grabbing the merchandise as soon as it went on the shelf

Everything Trump was on display. Who needs Christmas decorations when a Trumpy Bear can take the place of the shelf elf

And what kid wouldn’t be beside himself when in his stocking was a Trump Chia pet

Hoping to have enough time to grow hair on the Trump head before the world leaders tire of playing Russian Roulette

Under the glass counter shining brightly by jewelry lights were the unopened packs of Trump trading cards issued when he was 45th

Next to these was a signed poster by Mike Pence the VP that Trump chose to saddle himself with

After the passage of the Big Beautiful Bill the once discounted talking clock was now back to its original retail price

Directly below was a new stack of freshly printed Alligator Alcatraz t-shirts drawing them in like cheese and mice

While supplies last were the boxes of Trump sneakers. These shoes were specially padded to allow for bone spurs

And make no mistake about it, one table was marked his and another marked hers

Finally, what really had the crowd elbowing their way to the front were a dozen bottles of the new Trump fragrance

But these were kept behind the counter and under strict surveillance

But who wouldn’t want to, in a very tender moment open a present and see a bottle of Trump Victory

The fireplace crackling, Dean Martin crooning, a snowy evening and a Trump perfume. It sounds contradictory

The crowd didn’t care, they all queued up for a moment with the atomizer just for a sniff of the Trump aroma

The excitement from the spray grew as people grabbed for the small sample bottle causing an immediate state of nirvana and in one case, coma

And so it went. The day ticked by until the Trump clock said six and people were told to leave

The modern day “Buffalo Bill” had to be smiling. He had “buffaloed” people into fighting for his likeness a fact that half the country could not conceive

0

White Superiority or just a Better Work Ethic

Much has been written about low impulse control, violent nature, and blatant rudeness

Always playing the victim, as the view from the outside world sees the group as a pack of opportunists

It starts early in life when the baby is raised by a single mother still in her teens

The kid grows up too smart for school, withdrawn, or acting out just to create scenes

Realizing his or her dream to become famous comes with work, practice, and sacrifice

This individual doesn’t have the ambition, drive or talent to pay that price

The single mother really didn’t care. The baby had been a burden on her still young life

Her nightly dreams shattered by the shrill cry of the infant cutting through her own fantasies like a knife

The food stamps, the monthly check and the government housing were never enough

Still the TV ads, the credit card companies, and the store displays always encouraged to buy more stuff

The jobs available were always the same. The night shift at the nursing home, second shift fast food worker or convenience store clerk

Usually fired from one or all jobs because between the baby and having no weekends off the management didn’t appreciate the no-show at work

Anger becomes a way of life. It’s not my fault, others have it better, the government owes me more

What doesn’t help is people look away from the perceived rabble like you. The far-away eyes, the smirk, or self-righteous pity, all things you deplore

So you live three levels of humanity below where you think you should be

Trying to get by day to day, hoping the car will start, and shacked up with an unemployed parolee

Wondering how all those other white people have it better than me

0

The Person Behind The Makeup

“Men go to bed with Gilda and wake up with me,” was famously stated by actress Rita Hayworth

Fantasies abounded with the thoughts of romancing the famous star but the next morning crashing back to earth

In 1949 The Artists League of America voted Rita’s lips best in the world

She signed with Max Factor to promote its line of Tru-Color lipsticks causing women around the world to flip their hair as they twirled

Cosmetics have been used for centuries to enhance beauty and cover flaws

The internet is packed with stories of divorces filed by men viewing their spouse without makeup as the cause

Men have always had to guess what lies behind that foundation, concealer and blush

And what nightmare might emerge from the bathroom the morning after a barroom crush

Ancient Egyptians both women and men used cosmetics for religious purposes, repel insects and show social standing

Though originally used by those connected to royalty, soon the lower caste of people began applying as the use of cosmetics was ever expanding

Recent examples of cosmetics were Twiggy’s eyelashes, Jennifer Garner’s skincare, Brooke Shields’ eyebrows, and Lynda Carter’s lips

Covering flaws and enhancing facial features was as easy as a trip to the mall as a wide array of makeup was at your fingertips

Whole departments in major chain stores are dedicated to cosmetics

To improve a woman’s features that unfortunately were left behind by genetics

Plus the fact the customer usually leaves with a sackful of high-priced colors, sprays, and lotions

All to please the face in the mirror and spark the partner’s emotions

In 2022 the cosmetic industry generated approximately $430 billion in revenue and is on the rise in all categories

As new and improved products are being produced in mega-companies’ laboratories

But as for the males in this ever-changing world and it doesn’t matter what is stated by the law

No amount of concealer is going to hide the fact that you have a hoo-haw

0

Snow White Should Have Cursed

Much has been written about Disney’s new movie release Snow White

It seems the star of the show attended the same marketing school as the Bud Light person and neither seem very bright

In an “all about me” moment she trashed the animated classic from 90 years ago and ambushed her more famous co-star with her political views

Making the film a loss in both revenue and putting other Disney projects on the back burner for the cast and production crews

Disney should have taken a hint from Hollywood’s annual preen-a-thon and produced the film with Snow Latino using the f-word

Then the little movie goers elbow deep in their high-priced popcorn could try to get Mom to explain what they just heard

Because this year’s Best Picture Award went to a film about a sex worker that falls in love with a rich guy

A bit of a Pretty Woman re-do with way more sex and the f-word in ample supply

According to reports, the word was used on 479 occasions and with a run time of 139 minutes that’s an f-word twice a minute

The writers figured since the film is about a prostitute, when it came to the f-word the sky’s the limit

Both studios’ probably have reached an all-time low. One screwed up a much beloved classic and the other showcased women as a sex object to be used only for pleasure

Meaning the voters for Oscar thought it was a great idea to award a movie about a foul-mouthed hooker to hand its annual treasure

It doesn’t give women much hope about forming meaningful relationships and building a career

When the best picture awards the lowest common denominator in all women while listening to the alleged pedophiles cheer

Bring them down to their level. Allow men on their teams, in their locker rooms, and cut the genitals off their kids

As movies, television, music, and sports have all hit the skids

A vast wasteland has overwhelmed this country in the name of multimedia progressive shift

And this movement has been shoved in all’s face and it has been swift

From Lucy Ricardo sleeping in twin beds to the sex worker in the current best picture

It’s a short lifetime from black and white entertainment to having the gutter mentality crammed down people’s throats only to keep the boardroom richer

0

College Football Sold Its Soul

The fans had gathered in the pre-dawn hours for the sausage and biscuit tailgate fare

Over strong hot coffee they discuss their teams chances against the opposition with the seventeen-year-old quarterback millionaire

The kickoff was at noon. The early time was scheduled by the true drivers of the sport, the television network

Their game was significant with playoff ramifications but was scheduled at the early time slot to compete against Des, Nick, Coach and Kirk

Big Money is only concerned with ratings and ESPN rules the roost

So the game will be played at noon to hopefully give the other network a boost

Sure, the fans squawked their protests like sheep bleeting in the runway to the slaughterhouse

But eventually they’ll break out the bourbon and quietly fill the stadium without realizing they are being controlled by Micky Mouse

The sleepy-eyed band is trying to work up some school spirit with the school’s fight song

But there wasn’t much of a spark generated as the fans have realized that college football in its greed has done them wrong

The boosters have been taken for granted for so long the sport feels invincible

They’ve quietly watched as football has turned into a giant money grab. Now to be considered for the privilege of buying tickets one has to make a payment to the athletic department but parking and tailgate fees are additional

The game itself has turned into one long butt numbing commercial fest

A 60-minute game has been stretched into a four-hour contest

The commercial breaks now take up 2-1/2 hours of the broadcast. Sportsbooks rule the airwaves with drug and beer commercials close behind As fans in the stands sit on their hands hiding from the weather while waiting for another three minutes of action as designed

Oh, Wait! The referees are huddled around a camera to see if the call they are paid to make was correct so we take another five-minute commercial break

“We’ll delay the action, kill the momentum, and a potential winning drive to see if our incompetent asses made a mistake”

“Let’s add a two-minute warning timeout in addition to the other three because Lord knows we haven’t had enough TV adds”

Toss in a thirty-minute half-time show so five talking heads can delve into the minds of the nineteen- year-old lads

Maybe just maybe this kid wasn’t giving his all because with three losses this team wasn’t making the playoffs anyway

With the Transfer Portal looming large, he’ll be gone at the season’s end to a bigger and better payday

He’ll go to a team that schedules more cupcake games where he can flash his athletic brilliance and not as likely to risk injury before going to the tier one pros

It’s all about the money, follow the dollar sign. No school loyalty, no team spirit and it’s no skin off his nose

If only the NCAA had woken to the fact they had the perfect playoff system already in hand

With the number of bowl games and a 64 team round robin tournament, think of the money TV, the universities, and players could command

Just drop the regular season games to ten and then begin the road to the championship

Suddenly the Bluebonnet Bowl wouldn’t be looked upon as a consolation trip

Much like March Madness this style tournament would give most a shot and advance the “cream” to the top

And all the fans hollering about shoulda’s coulda’s and woulda’s would slow to a stop

0

Cat-A-Roni

Much has been written lately about Haitian immigrants eating the neighborhood cats

Apparently they circle the area looking for the food bowls placed next to the home’s door mats

And when Mr Fuzzy comes down the sidewalk looking for his ration of Meow Mix, suddenly he’s grabbed, skinned and turning on a spit

Or if to be barbecued the Haitian would have splatchcocked kitty and thrown him on the grill over an open pit

Watching with great interest, Big Food held a series of meetings to determine if there was indeed a market for felines

The general consensus was to test market a few cat menu items to see if the company “could make hay while the sun shines”

But first they had to figure a way to kill that fishy taste with chemicals including riboflavin and sodium diacetate

Because one would need to get maximum enjoyment from chemically enhanced cat on a plate

After much deliberation the first food product to hit the grocer’s shelves was Cat-A-Roni, “the immigrant Haitian treat”

Mixed up well with artificially jerk flavored rice, the box guaranteed the kitty would be good to eat

Microwaved for three minutes in two cups of boiling water and the special flavor pack or twenty minutes on the stove top

And you’ll be eating parts of Mr Fuzzy until you’re ready to pop

Another limited edition release would be Kitty Patty Helper complete with another chemical flavor packet

Just add milk and maybe some peppers and mushrooms and no one will know you’re dining on the local elementary school’s mascot

Finally, on a whim, for one last item of feline protein, it was suggested the addition of Kitty Paws

To satisfy one’s cravings for something sweet would be the little kitty’s paw pads minus the claws

Roasted, toasted, and covered with sweetened syrup, these chewy delights are easy to munch

Just watch the children’s eyes light up when they pop these morsels of goodness and experience that satisfying crunch

Once again Big Food will stop at nothing to exploit a trend

Never let it be said that corporate dining isn’t your friend

So guard your pets if its possible because some immigrant might just be eyeing your cat

Meanwhile Big Food will start their own cat farms, stuff them full of growth chemicals, and then blame people’s sedentary lifestyle for making them fat

0

The New Non-Binary Fast Food

In a last ditch effort to keep Biden in office, Venezuela, Nicaragua, and Mexico were all admitted as new states

Congress approved admittance of these new states with “yea” votes by all democrats and 16 rinos with a triumphant President claiming it “doesn’t matter how you do in debates”

With four more years of democrats driving working people out of business fast food restaurants took notice

Because the price of value meals is at an all time high the franchisees had a bone to pick with the POTUS

So in keeping with the current trend of bowing to the vocal non-binary trans group

The owners voted and all decided to jump through one more hoop

The thought being is to change the long-standing name of the restaurants to something that played to this group and the liberal press

New branding of the established signature items might be enough to be considered progress

A family of four can now escape a quick serve establishment for approximately $89.85

Due to profit margins shrunk to the penny the restaurant owners were fighting just to survive

Bun Queen now offers its meaty flame broiled burger as the Big Stimulator

This hot juicy product is now a favorite with the non-binary crowd and drag queens in particular

Them-Fil-A once frowned upon for their conservative leanings has had a 180 degree turn in philosophy with this drive thru treasure

Now one can have the Original They-fil-a with the still cold waffle fries a pink lemonade and a wish of “for your pleasure”

Tinker Bell once popular for crushing the late night cravings now features menu items named after woke Disney characters such as Chaps and Dale guacamole

And features a very heavy Three Gay Caballeros flatbread melt, that if thrown across the room could knock down a hockey goalie

McDonnas used to rule the roost, now falling profits have forced drastic moves

The one time signature items are gone replaced with the Big Butch, The Quarter Bender, and the ever popular Rainbow Meal with a toy DEI guidelines approves

Blame it on the economy, the pandemic, government mandates, payroll increases or anything else that has wrecked the fast food trade

But if the democrats continue to destroy the American way of life to pad their own pockets, the fast food industry will be a memory in another decade

The lobster and steak will continue to be served on gold rimmed plates to the Washington elite

And they’ll do anything to stay in power including lie, steal, and cheat

0

Killa Wafers

In the 1943 edition of Joy Of Cooking, Granny would have a followed the recipe should she desire some vanilla wafers for dessert

She would have donned her baking apron worn from years of use to protect her only Sunday skirt

She then assembled all her ingredients including sugar, vanilla, and egg and butter

She would have sifted the flour, added whole milk and beat the batter smooth. Then she would roll it flat and shape the cookies with a cutter

Pretty soon the aroma of baking vanilla wafers would be wafting through the house

A simple cookie baked in seven minutes with real ingredients and served with pride to guest, kids and spouse

Fast forward 80 years and forget about fooling around in a hot kitchen for simple cookies just buy a box of vanilla wafers at the store

Besides looking at today’s ingredients and having them on hand would be a near impossible chore

For that matter Granny could never bake with the ingredients listed on the side of the box

As most of the ingredients listed sound like refugees from a chemistry class and if not measured properly would probably choke an ox

Granny would become very frustrated trying to add thiamine mononitrate to her batter

And knowing full well that using high fructose corn syrup would only make Gramps a little fatter

And don’t get Granny started on natural and artificial flavors. “What is it?” she snapped angrily causing her false teeth to click
“Vanilla is the main flavor and its not even listed,” she advised. “This gunk would make you very sick.”

“Sorry, I’m not eating anything that says contains mono and diglycerides.” I guess they figure no one will read this list.”

The grandchildren would have already scattered as they could tell by her red face and the tone of her voice she was pissed

Someone should have told Granny before she passed away at 93 that food is better today through modern chemistry and mass production

However after cleaning her grand kid’s backpack and finding a three-year-old store bought vanilla wafer looking like it just came out of the box, she’d have known better by deduction

0

Big Pharma’s New Money Grab

The group had gathered on the street corner as it was time for the delivery van to appear

Anxiously waiting for the musical tune playing from the rooftop speakers they were all straining to hear

Paper sacks holding their morning fast food biscuits and eight dollar high calorie coffee drinks, they all had their $1000 bills clutched in their greasy hands

They washed down their regular morning fare with their caramel macchiatos and shivered off the cold knowing this is the solution to why their waist continually expands

The van served as a dispensary for the new fad of weight loss hiding under the guise of diabetes drugs

They had constantly complained to the doctor about their BMI. So rather than the standard lecture about better diet, exercise, and lifestyle changes, he sighs, writes the script and just shrugs

Fueled by the relentless barrage of TV commercials emphasizing the “some weight loss might occur,” they all knew this was the answer to their triple X jeans

Big Pharma had another winner on its hands. These drugs were this year’s money grab like the previous years with the covid vaccines

The commercial of the happy chubby girl dancing on the concrete retaining wall had grabbed their attention

The fact she has the same issues of tight airline seats, obvious muffin tops and constricting seat belts were all beyond their comprehension

With this drug they could now indulge in their favorite foods and still lose weight

Chocolate, pizza, and all fast food no longer needed a second of thought because it doesn’t matter what they ate

The cash register was ringing loudly in Big Pharma’s bean counters office and there was celebration in the board room

Why be concerned with America’s health and well-being when there is no limit to the drugs they’ve been programmed to consume

So this weight challenged group were already making allowances for the grand a month added to the household expense

Savings for retirement, home renovations, and rainy day funds used to make commonsense

Now the new line of thought is lose weight the easy way with an injection a week

And to find a physician who will write a script from a Canadian pharmacy for the drug at a reduced rate is the goal they seek

0

Singing The Insurance Blues

Grandpa Smith was in a panic. The new insurance rate quote lying on the dining room table had him reaching for his heart pills

He’d been with this company for better than thirty years had done the bundle for home and auto, always paid on time and yet the new quote left him with cold chills

The note on the bottom of the bill advised that for further clarification please call this 800 number.

The nice young man expressed appropriate empathy while stating that everything was more expensive from labor for car repairs and for home storm damage the price of lumber

“But I’ve never filed a claim,” stated Grandpa. “I live in old house and drive a nine-year-old car.”

“That’s considered a bit of an issue Mr Smith,” explained Ajai, the voice on the phone. Should a strong wind damage your older roof the price of shingles has sky-rocketed and your rates go up the older you are.”

“Also repair rates for autos has drastically increased due to inflation. Have you seen what a body shop charges to replace a front grill?”

“And yet when an uninsured motorist runs into you, we’re required to pay the bill”

“Think about this Mr Smith, everytime you see a riot, a tornado, or a wildfire everyone files a claim”

“And with the number of undocumented migrants trying to drive, the new uninsured motorist rates currently being figured will make this current quote look tame”

“So what happens if I file a claim for a damaged roof after a wind storm?” asked Grandpa Smith.

“Oh, we’ll pay for the roof,” stated Ajai. “But realize this, it maybe with you we’re over and done with”

Astonished, the old man observed, “So after thirty years and paying all the premiums you’ll drop me just like that.”

“As much as we appreciate your business Mr Smith. If you file a claim we’d drop you in nothing flat”

“Gee Ajai it seems like you ought to rebate some money for never filing a claim. You don’t treat you existing customers very well at least at the bank they offered me a free blender”

“Mr Smith, we don’t have any rebate program but if you stop by our office you can pick up a free desk calender”

“Ajai, I don’t know where you live or what you drive but I think you know what you can do with your calendar and your quote”

“Mr Smith, I’m sorry you feel this way, but for your information I live in Bangladesh and drive a cart powered by a goat.”

2

Granny Hung A Telemarketer

The cross arm creaked as the deceased swung in the breeze. Ironically the body was hanged from a phone pole.

Granny was fogging her oxygen mask as she wheeled away from the scene wrapped tightly in her stole

It seems the patients at Shady Acres Retirement Home had enough of the sincere sounding hucksters calling all the residents on their phones

Urgent requests came in daily advising money or credit card info is needed to pay off a grandchild’s multiple student loans

Or maybe for a few dollars given to a charity organization, little Sally might be able to take her first steps

And if you need a minute to retrieve your credit card numbers, you may then give them to one of our courteous reps

The next call coming in might be a concerned citizen with a foreign accent advising that an important package had been delivered to him by mistake

He then states he is broke and since it’s a certified delivery, to forward it to you, $200 is what it would take

An hour later was a message stating that signing up for this “special senior care” car warranty, one would never have to worry again about your car breaking down

Seeing how the kids took her car keys away five years ago, Granny figured she might be able to trick this clown

So between breaks in the bingo game the group of granny “rowdies” devised a scheme

They would lure a telemarketer into their lair with promises of riches, property and if necessary sex to complete his dream

Meeting at the picnic table behind the home, the starry eyed slickster showed up only to receive a hard right cross from a crutch and multiple blows from an oxygen tank

Steadying his battered body on a chair and with the supp hose wrapped tightly around his neck, Granny gave the chair a yank

“Call us now, you twerp!” yelled the group in a show of solidarity

And with that the group returned to their bingo game and continued their discussion of aches, tired cafeteria food, grandchildren, and irregularity

0

EVs, The Laser Disc of this Generation

In days of yore, the 80s, VHS tapes ruled. Movie rental stores were popping up overnight like a mushroom

Everywhere one looked, a retail store would rent you a video that once at home one with a remote could stop and later resume

People waited in long lines to rent or buy the latest movie release to take home and enjoy from the comfort of their easy chair

Sure, the picture wasn’t great, the video needed to be returned in two days, and don’t forget to rewind or suffer through the store clerk’s glare

Suddenly, on the horizon, a new format came into view. It was called laser disc and it was forecast to sweep the nation

This disc was to take the audio-visual world by storm with a crystal clear picture and perfect sound all adding to the hype and celebration

The new disc was the answer to VHS tapes’ clarity issues, broken cassettes, and tape eating playback machines

This new format was touted as the next big thing, a fix to all problems. One can now take their tape player out and smash it to smithereens

But almost as soon as this new product rolled out, massive problems appeared

As with any new product released too soon many issues caused its downfall and was gone in just a few short years after it premiered

Many challenges plagued the discs. They were heavy, did not tolerate any abuse, had to be flipped halfway through a movie, and the players were very expensive.

Fast forward forty years to the laser disc of this generation and the propaganda surrounding the EV is quite intensive

They’re the answer to all the combustion engine problems. No gas is required, no emissions will spew forth and the vehicles can be charged in one’s home

They’re made of plastic, run by a battery, and won’t be decorated with fake wood panels or garish strips of chrome

“You will buy the EV. You won’t question our orders because if you do the earth will die and you will feel the guilt”

This sounds great on the commercial but just don’t turn back the sheets to see what lurks beneath the quilt

Like the laser disc being released too soon, electric vehicles aren’t as rosy as they seem. The batteries are constructed from extremely toxic rare earth minerals mined overseas, the charge takes hours and only lasts a couple hundred miles, the price of electricity is high but not to worry the cars are unaffordable anyway

So buyer beware. Save your pennies, drive your gas car and wait for hydrogen power before you spend your hard-earned pay

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To Annoy is to Sell

Currently there is a car commercial focused on a children’s orchestra struggling to play a musical piece

Cut to the fashionable Mom shutting her windows and moonroof as these children’s valiant efforts were causing eye rolling and her forehead to crease

I suppose this hyper anxious Mom would be able to jump out of her silenced domain, pick up a horn and effortlessly knock out a quick version of “Hoe Down” by Copeland

The idea is to imply these kids’ efforts aren’t worth her attention so shut them out while they struggle with the rest of the band

The next commercial focuses on a family proudly eyeing a winning lottery ticket that was placed on the table when one of the kids spills a glass of juice

As the liquid advances across the wooden surface, the family, horror-stricken all scream like they have a screw loose

Here’s an idea. Just pickup the ticket and then worry about cleaning up the mess

Mr Spock would term this logical as this would reduce these dullards’ drama queen stress

Turn on any sporting event and the first commercial break will feature a sportsbook advising how you can instantly win cash

The ad features exploding graphics, fans high fivin’, and implied riches while in reality you should be watching your bank account crash

The excitement is to have you dial these gambling houses up, but be sure to have a credit card handy

They need to know you are credit worthy and will cut you off when you reach an approved limit as that is their real modus operandi

That brings us to the big stupid bird and the guy in sunglasses dressed in yellow with the toothpick

This long-running campaign makes the bird the brighter of the two as the guy appears thick as a brick

Of course this company has always treated viewers like idiots with “out of work actors, dancing mimes, and a Saturday night cowboy”

Hopefully this assault on intelligence works as these commercials seemingly only strive to annoy

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Any Variant is a New Green Deal

The numbers were phenomenal. Sales of their new vaccine had been through the roof

Suddenly people that had been vaccinated and supposedly immune were getting sick. New cases shown from each state were the proof.

The boardroom was quiet as the CEO rose to speak. “This is unacceptable, people are starting to question our capability.”

“We have to act fast while our leader is holding on to the pandemic as his savior before he gets the boot due to his senility.”

“People are no longer lining up and rolling up their sleeves as they are defying the government’s mandate”

“We can’t allow people to begin to think for themselves and our momentum to stagnate”

“What we need is a new variant to spook the population. That always sends them scurrying to the nearest clinic”

“Sure, there will always be people to question our drug with cases showing multiple clots and heart issues but by scaring enough people we can withstand the occasional cynic”

“Has anyone here seen a country with an outbreak that looks a little different from what we’re seeing now?”

“J.R.,” said one of the researchers from behind his laptop screen. “I see where 63 people dropped dead in Macao”

“Terrific! No wait a minute isn’t Macao now controlled by China. That might just be another experiment by the Wuhan lab”

“Come to think of it, this could be perfect. We could put the Chinese scare into the population just to make sure they all line up for another jab”

“We could recycle our excess vaccines, package the product differently and relabel it as Booster 4.”

“That way the government will continue to pour money into our coffers and we can hide huge amounts of profits into bank accounts offshore”

“We should send China a thank you note. If we can spring a new variant every six months or so, our profits will continue to soar, as it looks like we’ve only just begun”

“Since the government has granted us immunity from law suits we can say we love our new variants. To paraphrase Tiny Tim, “God bless the new viruses everyone”

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Goodbye Aunt Jemima, I Only Knew You As Good

Goodbye Aunt Jemima, I only knew you as good
Your label meant quality only now misunderstood

Those easily offended decided your image needed to be removed
A corporate decision to ingratiate your product in the black community and race relations are improved

Your icon a while back by a board room decision had been modernized
Your now dark skinned June Cleaver depiction again needs changing as self righteous indignation has the nation paralyzed

So we’ll package your superior quality and once proud product under a different label
Just so we can serve the same ingredients on the breakfast table

So when the new sterile packaging is complete
Your next step will be to take care of the chef on Cream of Wheat

And in the end when the expense of repackaging and distribution it will require
The tremendous cost will be passed on to the cost conscious food buyer

It won’t stop here product names will continually change lest a group be offended
Spineless corporations will inevitability bow to vocal groups as reality is suspended

Gone is Mia, the Land of Lakes maiden. “She was representing sex trafficking,” the offended would boast
That’s exactly what I thought of as I spread that delicious goodness on my toast

Next in line is that summer treat Eskimo Pie
Another example of good intentions gone awry

Most are not really sure how an ice cream on a stick can be that defamatory
However in certain circles the term Eskimo refers to raw meat eaters and that is considered inflammatory

And so it goes, pick a product and someone will be upset
Familiar product names will change over night due to some group’s threat

After brand names, will the outspoken groups go after produce?
There will be no stopping now, all will change, it’s easy to deduce

Grocers will be cautious of profiling not wanting to imply the black race could be associated with the term watermelon
So be prepared for the produce aisles to be advertising specials on aqua fruit before there’s a rebellion

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Don’t Bogart That E-cig

Don’t Bogart that joint, pass it over to me

In the film Easy Rider the group Fraternity of Man did decree

One can picture Bogie cigarette dangling from his lips in a melancholy film noir

Slouching against a bar, dinner jacket and sleepy eyes fresh from the ingenue’s boudoir

Somehow the impact of the scene would lose effectiveness if Bogart disappeared in a water vapor mist

The movie world would never see when a kiss is just a kiss

Disguising itself as a way to kick tobacco the e-cig industry created a huge income craze

Appealing not only for the buzz but also the cool factor the ad business portrays

Ignore the fact the e-juice may have been assembled by a profiteer at his kitchen table

And to make it look legit slap on a counterfeit label

Today there are expensive devices that produce those euphoric vapors

Gone are the paranoid days at the mini mart buying the J ◊ B rolling papers

Just knowing the entire U.S . Intel community was outside hiding in the kudzu vines

With their sniper scopes trained on your back while peering through the Georgia pines

Many of the present day vaping products sold contain unregulated juice

Pretending lung damage happens to the other guy makes for a risky calculated excuse

Producing a current potential lesson on how to whistle as a walk away tease

“You know how to whistle don’t you? You just put your lips together and wheeze.”

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Snacking on Jellyfish to Improve my Brain Function

Helping a child with their homework last week I was asked, “What is the capitol of Delaware?”

Drawing a complete blank I was concerned that my once sharp recall was not all there

After seeing commercials how an ingredient found in jellyfish can improve my brain

I decided to give it a try but the prices charged seemed a bit insane

So while at the beach, I found a dead jellyfish washed up on the shore

Though it smelled really fishy the price was certainly better than the supplement store

After brushing sand and a few fiddler crabs off the carcass I tossed it in an ice chest

I did lay a plastic bag over my beer so the cans would taste okay or so I guessed

Arriving home I unloaded the car and set the ice chest on the entrance mat

Within minutes the chest was covered with flies and being eyeballed by the mangy neighborhood cat

Undeterred I brushed off the flies shooed the cat and hosed off the gelatinous remains

Using my wife’s good pizza cutter I carefully sliced off strips avoiding what looked like blue veins

Firing up the grill I figured I could season the the strips with some pepper and barbecue rub

Hoping to produce some brain enhancing ocean fresh non expensive tasty grub

Eagerly anticipating the flavor my cast iron skillet slowly warmed to a medium high heat

I was hoping for possibly a new jerky both beneficial and delicious to eat

Using tongs I coated the strips with oil to keep from sticking and placed them on the grill

Thinking how I liked my secret fish taco recipe I also brushed on a little mustard and dill

What happened next caused Wizard of Oz flashbacks as the strips shriveled like the Wicked Witch’s shoes

They melted into a lava like gooey substance and a toxic smelling juice started to ooze

Sliding a spatula under one of the globs I pasted it on a cracker like hors d’oeurves

As the cracker reached my lips I experienced a flash of internet potential of all natural jellyfish preserves

Just like a kid with an Oreo I licked the bubbling blob to see what I created

Instantly my eyes watered, my throat constricted, and my tongue dilated

Chugging three now warm fishy tasting beers the noxious taste partially subsided

Scraping the skillet into the compost pile I realized my attempt at improving my brain was misguided

To think you can improve your recall by a creature that just floats with the tide

Is falling for an ad campaign based on age paranoia and being taken for a ride

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Fluoride

poisonFluoride

Did you hear crazy Uncle Charley died today?

They laid him out all neat and fancy in a suit of gray.

In his last few years he didn’t make sense, his brain was mush

But as looney as he was he never forgot to brush.

He was always healthy, only drank water, and flossed his teeth.

So he died at fifty eight, looking real natural under the wreath.

He always heard he’d have great teeth by drinking water with fluoride.

Little did Charley know the rumor was glorified

When the airplane aluminum industry in World War II

Found a manufacturing by product was starting to accrue

They could only use this toxin to kill so many rats and mice

So they called on a company scientist for some much needed advice

The company knew it couldn’t release the poison in the atmosphere

There’d be law suits a plenty and the good company name, some would smear

So the company scientist thought of a plan to dispose of the waste

“We can put in the drinking water where it can’t be traced.”

He found a few experimental  rats didn’t have much tooth decay

And this could be a way to lead the population astray.

You see we’ll tell them this chemical hazard is good for you

People will celebrate and bid their cavities adieu

And we as a company can double our sales

We’re feed them the pitch and embellish with tall tales

We’ll get a high profile lawyer to agree with the plan

Pay one the right money and he’ll promote the sham

So communities everywhere were able to rejoice

Praising the fluoride all in one grateful voice

So for sixty or seventy years Americans have drunk the great hoax.

A little daily dose of environmental hazard won’t hurt you folks

Forget about the fact that your brain will begin accumulate

All the amyloid plaque the poison starts to stimulate

It doesn’t start late it starts in the womb

With the mother drinking water as much as she can consume

Giving up her favorite drinks, worried about the baby’s health

When the only thing accomplished was adding to one company’s wealth

The poison is in the baby’s system from day one

The future of the child’s mental capacity has begun

And don’t let your kid be healthy and play outdoors

Cause to stay hydrated, the poison drunk really soars

Now this hazard does nothing to make your water safe to drink

It takes thirty of forty years so no one sees the link

Not many older people remember a crazy grandpa or grandmom

Most sharp as a tack and very productive until time to embalm

Sure there was an occasional relative at the kids table with a bib and a spoon

But by-product water was not their mental cause before howling at the moon.

The rapid rise in dementia is terrifying to most

Since it’s a cumulative process, difficult to diagnose

So have a glass of water while studying the stats.

But better yet give it back to the rats

Or join Uncle Charley so serene on the slab.

All due to 1930’s experimental vermin conducted in a lab.

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