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A Daily Observer in Bad Poetry

Humor in Daily Life, Politics and Sports

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Shopping

Goodbye Aunt Jemima, I Only Knew You As Good

Goodbye Aunt Jemima, I only knew you as good
Your label meant quality only now misunderstood

Those easily offended decided your image needed to be removed
A corporate decision to ingratiate your product in the black community and race relations are improved

Your icon a while back by a board room decision had been modernized
Your now dark skinned June Cleaver depiction again needs changing as self righteous indignation has the nation paralyzed

So we’ll package your superior quality and once proud product under a different label
Just so we can serve the same ingredients on the breakfast table

So when the new sterile packaging is complete
Your next step will be to take care of the chef on Cream of Wheat

And in the end when the expense of repackaging and distribution it will require
The tremendous cost will be passed on to the cost conscious food buyer

It won’t stop here product names will continually change lest a group be offended
Spineless corporations will inevitability bow to vocal groups as reality is suspended

Gone is Mia, the Land of Lakes maiden. “She was representing sex trafficking,” the offended would boast
That’s exactly what I thought of as I spread that delicious goodness on my toast

Next in line is that summer treat Eskimo Pie
Another example of good intentions gone awry

Most are not really sure how an ice cream on a stick can be that defamatory
However in certain circles the term Eskimo refers to raw meat eaters and that is considered inflammatory

And so it goes, pick a product and someone will be upset
Familiar product names will change over night due to some group’s threat

After brand names, will the outspoken groups go after produce?
There will be no stopping now, all will change, it’s easy to deduce

Grocers will be cautious of profiling not wanting to imply the black race could be associated with the term watermelon
So be prepared for the produce aisles to be advertising specials on aqua fruit before there’s a rebellion

Gone with the Wave of a Wand

IMG_1120Keeping up with the Jones’ in the well heeled neighborhood was easy not so long ago

Money was blown that hadn’t yet been earned but borrowing and terms were easy so you could owe

Critical items were needed like ten dollar coffee stops and hair and nails done by appointment

Knowing you had to put off the new phone because the note was due on the luxury SUV was a disappointment

But there was food in the fridge and eating out three times a week seemed like money well spent

Still at the end of the month after all was paid you wonder where it all went

Then came the pandemic a disease that was supposed to happen in other countries but not here

Yet local businesses closed, the income flow ceased peeling away the comfortable veneer

Formally sociable people turned common sense into panic and panic into hoarders

The media and government had every citizen contagious and to slow the spread closed the borders

An ugly realization that bills were still due, the ATM show zero balance and credit cards were maxed

Hoping like crazy the mortgage company’s late fee policy would be relaxed

The news reporters were showing the daily casualty numbers and stores’ empty shelves

All advising the merits of staying at home while broadcasting remotely themselves

The pantry and refrigerator are now empty and the family just finished the last box of cereal

Suddenly poor and humble, the humiliation of asking for assistance seemed immaterial

With hair tucked under a scarf and chipped nails you inch along in the the food line watching the gas gauge point to low

Wishing you’d had fewer dinner parties with thirty dollar bottles of Merlot

This can’t be happening in America, it’s a birthright ticket to easy street

Not sitting in a sweltering line of cars hoping for a box of food so the family will be able to eat

Meghan’s Tupperware Party

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Welcome to my house, my name is Meghan and I’m new to this neighborhood

I thought this Tupperware party might be a good way to meet everyone like a new resident should

I appreciate y’all parking around the U-Haul trailer and stepping over the string attached to the garden hose post

As the queen of this new house, today I’ll be serving as your host

We’re a small family and are really trying to adjust to the area

We yearn to live the quiet life away from all the hysteria

So please make yourself as comfortable as you can. The furniture just arrived from No Credit Rental

As soon as we can swing it, I’ll bring in newer furnishings so please don’t be too judgmental

I hope you brought your check book because I have some exciting items to show you

They’ll make your life easier in a lot of every day tasks you need to do

The first piece I’d like to show you is this heart shaped baking dish I use for Harry’s kidney pie

Presenting your partner with heart shaped food might just turn you into his “special” pie in the sky

Next I’d like to show you this handy divided dish that Harry uses for his fish and chips

Since his new job is an Uber driver, he has to eat on the run to not miss any tips

Finally I’d like to show this wonderful new casserole pan perfect for my recipe of bubble and squeak

I think my secret ingredients make it better, and there’s no in law here to critique

So feel free to look my samples over and thumb through the handy fliers

Hopefully that should turn you into happy neighbors and satisfied buyers

And as you leave, I’ll ask you again to be careful stepping over the string attached to the post for the garden hose

It leads all the way to Harry and is tied to the ring I have in his nose

The Christmas Bonus

 

Continue reading “The Christmas Bonus”

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