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A Christmas Carol 2025

Ring ting a ting. The bell ringer at the storefront continued with his greetings to the weary shoppers

The worn out souls searching for the gift meeting their kids’ demands, within budget, while trying to digest the lunch of coffee and whoppers

Merely glancing the ringers way the shopper hurried home only to have the garage door remote become a face, vibrate, and speak

“Mr. Smith,” the remote declared. “Tonight you will be visited by three ghosts. One of Christmas past, the present and the future,” causing Mr Smith to dash inside while muffling a shriek

“I must be dreaming,” thought Joe Smith. “Or perhaps it was the red onions in that ground beef”

Joe forgot to say hold the onions as those red onions always gave Joe’s stomach untold grief

“That must be what is was,” sighed Mr Smith while dozing off in his recliner

Glorious dreams ensued while the football game played across his screen as Joe himself scored the winning points as the star Forty-niner

“Mr Smith!” The screen had changed to that face seen on his remote. “You will now be visited by the ghost of Christmas past”

Then a spirit appeared dressed in his grandma’s attire though granny had long since breathed her last

The kindly voice called him by his childhood name. “Joey,” she called. “Come with me and let’s visit your home from your boyhood years”

Suddenly it was 1985 and there was Joey looking bewildered as He-Man action figure wasn’t under the tree and Joey was close to tears

“Joey please remember that since daddy left your mama she isn’t able to give everyone the presents they want, so everyone has to share”

“But grandma this is the worst Christmas ever. No daddy. No He-Man, and I don’t want to play with the baby’s teddy bear”

“Someday you’ll understand,” said the kindly vision. “Parents do all they can even when they realize it’s not enough”

Joey then realized that his mother had been working two jobs to make ends meet and without much sleep the stress was taking its toll as she was beginning to look rough

But before Joe could tell his mother how much he loved her she was gone and Joe was whisked to Christmas present

The new vision was not the kindly grandma from the past. This one had the same persona of his much despised manager. The same attitude, coffee breath, and shabby tie of the man whose underlings he loved to torment

The same guy who promoted the low IQ woman whose job expertise was letting him look down her blouse

He was extra nice to her but to all others was a scheming back-stabbing louse

“Did you finish those reports Mr Smith? You know I need them on my desk before you go home”

And seeing how he just dropped them in front of Joe an hour ago, it occurred to Joe that he wanted to yank out those six hairs plastered to his shiny dome

“You know your Christmas bonus might just depend on you finishing those reports”

The bonus once again being a three pound ham and a donation in Joe’s name to a charity the boss supports

Mr Smith had been grinding away at the same job for twenty-eight years as the ghost pointed out

And Christmas’s were always the worst. Money was tight, work schedules were demanding, but ol’ reliable Smith was always there to kick about

But before he had time to vent his frustrations to the current ghost, he was bundled away to future Christmases that would come his way

A new ghost appeared. This one called himself Mohamad and wasn’t on a sleigh

Instead, he rode a carpet of woven wool accompanied by his third child bride

It seems Christmas had been abolished. Congress had imploded into the great political divide

The far east had appointed themselves as leaders, now commanded all citizens and therefore rejected all things once celebrated by the west

They killed all the dogs, forced women to hide behind their garments and hung anyone daring to protest

This time there was no Mr Scrooge to see the light, no living happily ever after, or seeing the wonderment in a child’s eyes

Just a strictly regimented life, whose control was someone elses’ and the drudgery of a controlled daily life everyone despises

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Tell Us What You Think About Your Visit

The receipt read this store values your feedback. Please fill out the short survey and have a chance at the monthly drawing to win a $500 gift card

(and just so you know since you filled out the survey before if you don’t answer these questions your e-mail box we will bombard)

The alleged short survey asks for a star rating on a few particular items purchased today

The store not only asks for your money to purchase their product, but also your free time much to your dismay

You had maneuvered your cart up and down the clogged aisles, past annoying merchandise display shippers, other shoppers and employees filling multiple on-line requests

The highlight of the shopping experience, sitting on their soft drink lined mechanized carts were very obese customers in various stages of undress

Finally, after an exhausting search for the last item on your list, you jockey your cart to the self- checkout

The two manned registers had a long lines, so the open checkout register seemed to be the quickest route

But the machine charged you $28 for a four dollar item meaning you had to press the need assistance light

And the only store employee with the magic code to over-ride the machine error was nowhere in sight

So the fastest way out of the store now became an interminable 12-minute wait

At last exiting the store you had to push past the cute little tykes hawking their fund-raising wares, not believing the four-letter words coming from the children mouths filled with so much hate

Eventually unloading the items purchased it wasn’t ten minutes before your e-mail inbox chimed

It was as if the big box store had your location and your trip home timed

So to keep the inbox clutter-free and to get the store off your back you go ahead and take the survey

The e-mail stated a short survey, but time required and the sheer number of questions asked, the short survey turned into a grad school essay

Were you greeted by a team member? How was the product variety, availability and value? Were you offered assistance?

As with all big box stores, you’re there because their discounted prices have driven the little guys out of business, and you think you saw a store associate off in the distance

Fifteen minutes into the survey answering why you checked a three star instead of five

You realize most of this survey was just a lot of corporate jive

What the store really wants to know is why you are buying a particular product to help with future product distribution

In reality, since you rolled your cart up and down the endless aisles, self checked, paid your hard-earned money, and sacked your own purchases, was the store really out reward you for your contribution

But if you think you have a shot in hell of winning the cash prize

Read the fine print in the rules and regulations and let that dose of reality hit you right between the eyes

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A Chinese Knockoff of a Chinese Knockoff

For years Sears Roebuck ruled the world with their catalog sales stores

A person needing help with his garden would walk into the tiny retail store and from the catalog order a wheelbarrow to help with his chores

These small stores always contained a small sampling of what could be requested from the order department

As one had to stroll past an array of Kenmore appliances and Craftsman tool sets before placing the order and checking the length of time for the item shipment

For years the consumer had to accept the retailer’s terms with the only option of comparing prices with the competitor Montgomery Ward

As long as the need wasn’t immediate anything could be ordered, from dubious medicines to as big a house as one could afford

That all changed with introduction of the discount big box retailer and Walmart became the champion of all

Selling everything one might desire, the huge stores became part of the urban sprawl

But the great thing about these stores is founder Sam Walton stocked the stores with products made in the USA

But a better profit margin was found in overseas products and shipped in bulk to distribution centers much to USA manufacturers’ dismay

Soon, as home computers became affordable and on-line ordering became commonplace, the internet giant Amazon emerged

Starting as a book company but eventually offering anything anyone could want the bean counters watched as sales surged

Manufactured in China, so what? The merchandise was priced less than brick and mortar goods and Americans think first with their pocketbook

Soon everyone was in the online business and cost of goods of unknown quality came down to a few pennies and free shipping to get a second look

It seems Chinese manufacturing plants were springing up overnight anxious to throw their hat in the ring

Amazon had created a price war among Chinese manufacturers competing for American dollars all building the same thing

Suddenly on the horizon there’s a new player to steal some of Amazon’s thunder

Selling a host of Chinese goods direct with no middle man this retailer, Temu is looking to pull the Amazon rug from under

So if one is willing to wait for the merchandise that Amazon could have had in the mailbox in two days

The slow boat from China could save money from Amazon’s prices if one is okay with shipping delays

Sounding a lot like ordering from Sears in the fifties it has become an all out price war for the American dollar

Just look the other way as the forced labor to produce the goods is paid virtually nothing and will never be able to rise above living in squalor

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Goodbye Aunt Jemima, I Only Knew You As Good

Goodbye Aunt Jemima, I only knew you as good
Your label meant quality only now misunderstood

Those easily offended decided your image needed to be removed
A corporate decision to ingratiate your product in the black community and race relations are improved

Your icon a while back by a board room decision had been modernized
Your now dark skinned June Cleaver depiction again needs changing as self righteous indignation has the nation paralyzed

So we’ll package your superior quality and once proud product under a different label
Just so we can serve the same ingredients on the breakfast table

So when the new sterile packaging is complete
Your next step will be to take care of the chef on Cream of Wheat

And in the end when the expense of repackaging and distribution it will require
The tremendous cost will be passed on to the cost conscious food buyer

It won’t stop here product names will continually change lest a group be offended
Spineless corporations will inevitability bow to vocal groups as reality is suspended

Gone is Mia, the Land of Lakes maiden. “She was representing sex trafficking,” the offended would boast
That’s exactly what I thought of as I spread that delicious goodness on my toast

Next in line is that summer treat Eskimo Pie
Another example of good intentions gone awry

Most are not really sure how an ice cream on a stick can be that defamatory
However in certain circles the term Eskimo refers to raw meat eaters and that is considered inflammatory

And so it goes, pick a product and someone will be upset
Familiar product names will change over night due to some group’s threat

After brand names, will the outspoken groups go after produce?
There will be no stopping now, all will change, it’s easy to deduce

Grocers will be cautious of profiling not wanting to imply the black race could be associated with the term watermelon
So be prepared for the produce aisles to be advertising specials on aqua fruit before there’s a rebellion

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Gone with the Wave of a Wand

IMG_1120Keeping up with the Jones’ in the well heeled neighborhood was easy not so long ago

Money was blown that hadn’t yet been earned but borrowing and terms were easy so you could owe

Critical items were needed like ten dollar coffee stops and hair and nails done by appointment

Knowing you had to put off the new phone because the note was due on the luxury SUV was a disappointment

But there was food in the fridge and eating out three times a week seemed like money well spent

Still at the end of the month after all was paid you wonder where it all went

Then came the pandemic a disease that was supposed to happen in other countries but not here

Yet local businesses closed, the income flow ceased peeling away the comfortable veneer

Formally sociable people turned common sense into panic and panic into hoarders

The media and government had every citizen contagious and to slow the spread closed the borders

An ugly realization that bills were still due, the ATM show zero balance and credit cards were maxed

Hoping like crazy the mortgage company’s late fee policy would be relaxed

The news reporters were showing the daily casualty numbers and stores’ empty shelves

All advising the merits of staying at home while broadcasting remotely themselves

The pantry and refrigerator are now empty and the family just finished the last box of cereal

Suddenly poor and humble, the humiliation of asking for assistance seemed immaterial

With hair tucked under a scarf and chipped nails you inch along in the the food line watching the gas gauge point to low

Wishing you’d had fewer dinner parties with thirty dollar bottles of Merlot

This can’t be happening in America, it’s a birthright ticket to easy street

Not sitting in a sweltering line of cars hoping for a box of food so the family will be able to eat

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Meghan’s Tupperware Party

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Welcome to my house, my name is Meghan and I’m new to this neighborhood

I thought this Tupperware party might be a good way to meet everyone like a new resident should

I appreciate y’all parking around the U-Haul trailer and stepping over the string attached to the garden hose post

As the queen of this new house, today I’ll be serving as your host

We’re a small family and are really trying to adjust to the area

We yearn to live the quiet life away from all the hysteria

So please make yourself as comfortable as you can. The furniture just arrived from No Credit Rental

As soon as we can swing it, I’ll bring in newer furnishings so please don’t be too judgmental

I hope you brought your check book because I have some exciting items to show you

They’ll make your life easier in a lot of every day tasks you need to do

The first piece I’d like to show you is this heart shaped baking dish I use for Harry’s kidney pie

Presenting your partner with heart shaped food might just turn you into his “special” pie in the sky

Next I’d like to show you this handy divided dish that Harry uses for his fish and chips

Since his new job is an Uber driver, he has to eat on the run to not miss any tips

Finally I’d like to show this wonderful new casserole pan perfect for my recipe of bubble and squeak

I think my secret ingredients make it better, and there’s no in law here to critique

So feel free to look my samples over and thumb through the handy fliers

Hopefully that should turn you into happy neighbors and satisfied buyers

And as you leave, I’ll ask you again to be careful stepping over the string attached to the post for the garden hose

It leads all the way to Harry and is tied to the ring I have in his nose

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The Christmas Bonus

 

Continue reading “The Christmas Bonus” →

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