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A Daily Observer in Bad Poetry

Humor in Daily Life, Politics and Sports

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political

Madam Janine

The work day was over and the light on my monitor dimmed then flickered out

Traffic warnings had already been issued so getting home would require a different route

Having driven this detour before I knew it wasn’t a speed shot but at least the traffic moved

Better than a bumper to bumper standstill and the music stream rhythm had my mood improved

Suddenly two cars ahead, a SUV rear ended an ancient Buick with no tag or tail lights

The SUV owner was shaking his finger while the Buick owner was yelling,“he knew his rights.”

With no place to turn around I pulled into a lot advertising Madam Janine Psychic and Future Seer

With a good forty five minutes to kill before traffic cleared I parked behind a large cedar.

The entrance was partially obscured as I went up the stairs I noticed a candle in the window sill

Entering the room I realized all the cash I had were four twenties and a hundred dollar bill

An old woman appeared and motioned to an old yellow sofa, “ We reserve that one for our guests.”

It’s sixty dollars for the reading. We take Visa and Master Card but not American Express.”

Bony fingers snatched the bills I held out and they disappeared under a faded and torn sweater

Uneasiness was creeping in but the smell of something vaguely familiar made me feel better

You may enter,” said a voice through the beaded curtain separating the adjoining room

Pushing the beads aside, I saw Madam Janine gazing at me dressed in her gypsy costume

Her head scarf pulled low to her eye brows and a flamboyant shawl wrapped around her shoulders

Two cats were asleep on the mantle, in the fireplace the embers from a fire still smolders.

Motioning to sit in a wooden chair beside her, she set a deck of cards on a place mat of felt

I realized that my future was to be told by how the cards were dealt

How may I assist you in your travels through life?” asked Madam Janine.

I can help you with your current problems and those in the future now unseen.”

Madam, I’m not interested in the past, just what’s on the horizon for the next couple of years.”

“You see my broker has been all over the board and I’m asking for help to quell my fiscal fears.”

Nimble fingers dealt one card and then three all face down next to the first card

Staring at the cards her request to contact the spiritual world caught me off guard

Taking my hands she rolled her eyes skyward and chanted, “Mader Scad Hogits.”

The chant didn’t bother me but the spark generated by taking my hands scared me out of my wits

The chant had at once sounded both eerie and like something I’d heard before

Though I couldn’t place the verse, I had a gnawing feeling that was hard to ignore

Flipping the first card it revealed a character labeled The Fool facing away from me

A reversal of The Fool,” stated Janine. “Not a good sign for investments or salary.”

With no explanation she flipped the second card and up came the unsmiling Queen of Swords

Not reversed but according to Janine only if you agreed with the queen would you gain monetary rewards

The third card was flipped to reveal the Ten of Swords, not a good card at all in terms of money

The fact this card symbolized no achievement, only failure and misfortune was not funny.

Staring at he cards, I was sure of the hocus pocus but it seemed the cards were trying to transform

Perhaps the incense smoke was causing a dizziness but the card figures were beginning to deform

I looked again at the cards and the figures morphed into national politicians and then instantly blurred

Mader Scad Hogits,” loudly chanted Janine. “A better reading I would have preferred.”

I’ve asked again this last card show a way to better your investment expectation.”

When the fourth and final card revealed the Seven of Wands, I noticed Janine’s jubilation.

This card succeeds when being attacked from all sides and constantly regains control”

“So by the years end your investments will be good and financial hardship will not take its toll”

Thanking Madam Janine while walking out the door, I noticed that familiar smell

Are you having bacon tonight?” I asked as the recognizable aroma in my brain began to jell

Why no sweetie, “ stuttered Janine as I started down the stairs

Glancing in her car window I saw on the console a yellow pin that someone in uniform wears

Suddenly it all became clear, the whole Madam Janine charade much to my chagrin

The Mader Scad Hogits, the bacon smell, sweetie and the uniform pin

Madam Janine was Louise who worked in a Waffle House and read Tarot cards when time permits

Whether it’s fortunes told or eggs and hash browns, whatever the client asks for is what he gets

The mysterious chant meant two eggs scrambled hold the grits. I left the parking lot and turned to the right

My investments were safe as stated by Janine and I had a good laugh as I drove into the night.

Reality TV: Election Edition

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Through the last 60 years America has embraced some form of Reality Television

The public has become so blasé this form of entertainment played into this year’s decision

Let’s take a look at this concept and see how it may have applied from shows over the years

Perhaps future campaigns might eliminate debates and turn to programming as electioneers

CANDID CAMERA: Have a person sitting with kids holding pictures of candidates and Peppa Pig

The kids would all vote for Peppa if given the choice because the man was wearing a “cheap wig”

And they said the lady looked like Sally’s mean old Aunt who had recently departed

Then they all rolled about the floor and giggled uncontrollably because little Johnny farted

QUEEN FOR A DAY: Four women have to tell their tales of woe to the studio crowd

The winner is the hopeful who’s eruption on the Applause-O-Meter was the most loud

Hillary, Carly, Jill and Lynn all had a shot at their own brand of commiseration

Each story was accompanied by pleading gestures and anguished tears for voter consideration

Hillary was the clear audience choice winning in an outright landslide

Shady land deals, failed foreign policies, missing e-mails and may be criminally tried

She definitely seemed to surge to the lead while the other participants cried

The remaining women had grievous stories of struggles and suffering on their way to the top

But the Applause-O-Meter needle pegged as Hillary’s story was cream of the crop

THE DATING GAME: A comely miss would ask gentlemen questions to determine her date

The answer would aid the lass in determining with whom she could best relate

“Bachelor #1, If on a date you grabbed my genitals how should I respond?”

“You should feel honored,” answers #1 “As I am a big fish in a small pond.”

The young lady shocked by the last answer advised, “My next question is for Bachelor #3.’

“If you were a married President and I was your VP’s daughter, would you sleep with me?”

“Yes I would,” said #3. “And any woman that looked at me twice.”

“Just be in my vicinity and I would consider that an attempt to entice.”

COPS: We’re riding With Sergeant Ellison of the DC white collar crime division on patrol

He states, “Trying to bust the real bad frauds and cheats is our main goal.”

On for years“Bad Boys Bad Boys” the catchy theme for the program goes

Unfortunately for DC there’s not enough investigators to decide who to depose

SURVIVOR: This game pits contestants against each other under inhumane situations

The camera angles have to be precise as to not show today’s catering truck presentations

This current edition pits Clinton against Trump in mudslinging warfare

As it turns out, after a year and a half neither seemed the worse for wear

AMERICAN IDOL: Judges get to pick the contender singing the sweetest guarantee

Regrettably the judges deadlocked as both challengers were continuously off key

THE AMAZING RACE: This show pits two entrants competing  shouting catch phrases

With photo ops and angry speeches trying to win the Nation’s peoples’ praises

Each nominee schemed and then decided on a different path to win the race

The winner went out and beat the bushes, the loser didn’t leave her metropolitan built in fan base

AMERICA’S GOT TALENT: A timed event to amaze judges with their talent in nothing flat

Both candidates were gang buzzed inside ten seconds and we’ll leave it at that

THE APPRENTICE: The President Elect interviews potential Cabinet hopefuls he wants hired

Only this time serious damage might be done before he gets to say “You’re Fired.”

THE BIGGEST LOSER: Hopefully this show won’t turn out to be the American voters

As betting on a long shot is usually only championed by carnival snake oil promoters

Deplorables 1 Media 0

img_0860The polls opened at seven but the line had already formed

They were there to vote even though the press had called them uninformed

They came from the back woods, small neighborhoods and farms

They were the once proud working class, called deplorables now up in arms

They stood in the cold speaking in low voices

Probably wouldn’t have voted at all given the choices

These were the silent people ignored by the government

By the powerful elite claiming  behind closed doors they were transparent

They had been called racist, sexist, homophobic among other things

But to be looked down on by some soft pious ex first lady really stings

They were broken and bent from years of hard labor and military service

And the fact this person might step on their rights made them nervous

Some didn’t choose to join the military they went as they were drafted

Once discharged they went back to their jobs but VA healthcare left them shafted

They endured the hardships and the cold treatment they received

It seemed like a fixable problem but the wait time for doctoring went unrelieved

The military and home life had taught them with all people to coexist

But now they were called racist and that had them pissed

But they didn’t riot, interrupt traffic, or wear causes on their sleeves

People have a right to their opinion if in the Constitution one believes

This wasn’t a vote of a woman against a man

It was against four more years of a failed national plan

This was against a photo op person in a Cubs hat trying to look cool

When all knew she’d be hard pressed to explain the infield fly rule

She seemed ill at ease in any location surrounded by citizens

As some might not actually share her far left visions

Because these deplorables knew for sure there was no free lunch

So they came out on the cold morning to throw a desperate counter punch

They stood on crutches, in wheelchairs, and leaning on canes

To sign the forms or make their mark in spite of their pains

They couldn’t win, said the press. They didn’t have a chance.

We’ve got it in a walk, lets all prepare for our victory dance.

Somewhere birds are singing, somewhere children shout

But there is no joy in Washington as the mighty Media has struck out

The Politically Correct BBQ Boy

“Hello Sir and welcome to the The Porkalooza Pit House.”

“And what can I get for you and your spouse?”

The young man looked all fancy and neat in his white shirt and paper hat

Little did he knew he had crossed the new kind of American always ready for a spat

“And what makes you think this is my wife,” the customer snapped.

The startled young man glanced up, feeling he had just been trapped

The surprised look was all the customer needed to turn up the heat

And in just a matter of time he knew he’d have some new material to tweet

“Because of your obvious lack of training let me enlighten you on a thing or two,

And then you might know something other than how to make stew,”

“This is a different world sonny,” said the customer. “People now are easy to offend

“You’re probably making eight bucks an hour and on a road to a dead end.”

“It also bothers me you have an American flag flying out front on the pole.”

“Why not flags of other nations?” he snarled feeling as he was on a roll.

“Sir if I may,” asked the server. “Could you place your order please?”

“No, it doesn’t please,” mimicked the man staring at the chalk board.

“Give me two of the number twos,” said the man in an effort to sound bored.

“Is this it for the menu or is number two the specialty of this greasy spoon?

And hopefully to whatever diseases are jumping off the plate I’ll be immune.”

“Two number twos coming right up,” said the server. “For here or to go?”

“Well to go now,” growled the customer. “Because you’ve been nothing but slow.”

“I see your restrooms are closed for repair, so we are now reduced to using the Port a Can?”

“For my partner to use, it better have paper, smell fresh and be spic and span”

“While we’re waiting I suppose this alleged food comes from an environmentally unsafe farm.”

“You park a lot of hogs together and the surrounding area suffers great harm.”

“And what if I was a Muslim? Would you still offer meat from an animal with cloven hoof.”

The customer was now raising his voice sounding indignant and aloof.

“Well,” replied the server.” “We don’t get a lot of Muslims here.”

“The last one in was just lost and needed to know which way to steer.”

“Are you being smart with me?” snapped the customer clearly annoyed.

“Keep that attitude up and I’ll see you’re unemployed.”

“Is this going to take all day? I’ve got an important meeting to attend.”

“I know that is hard for someone like you to comprehend.”

“You see I’m trying to help the underprivileged and poor.”

“It’s trying to defeat the elitist attitude of some I deplore.”

“You see the time has come for progressive thought in this land.”

“We’re standing up for the poor people and making the demand.”

“That those people in low income housing, working in jobs paying poor wages.”

“Will get better pay, better homes and health care exchanges”

“So speed it up there boy,  look alive, I’ve got to leave.”

“As dealing with incompetents like you is a pet peeve.”

“Let me check in the back,” said the server.”To see how long it will be,

Because making important people wait is not my cup of tea.”

Returning in just a couple of minutes the kid was almost beaming

“Alright here you go two number twos hot and steaming.”

Grabbing the bags the couple stormed out without a thanks

The young man laughed out loud at one of his better pranks

“Don’t come in to our place acting like such a louse,

Cause the sign out front might say Porkalooza Pit House.”

“But my dead end road stopped just inside the Port a Can.”

“Where the two number twos were scraped off the proverbial fan.”

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