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A Daily Observer in Bad Poetry

Humor in Daily Life, Politics and Sports

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election

The Old Man Democrat Rap

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Hello Folks and welcome to the first democratic rap off

But safety first people use elbow bumps to greet and masks if you cough

Our contestants tonight are Lil Havana Bernie and Wooden Nickels Joe

We think by the time this evening is through you’ll be treated to quite the show

By using the best of three coin toss to make sure Wooden Nickels went last Lil Havana will go first

And since Donna Brazile is not backstage this rap is completely unrehearsed

We would ask the audience to refrain from heckling and may the best rapper win

So now with no further delay Lil Havana you may begin

Skritcha skritcha skritcha

“Yo peeps listen here I be here again

We gonna take down CEO’s and rich oilmen

And when those rich whiteys are gone

You gonna know which side of da toast da butter be on

Your healthcare and college be free and we be tearing down da wall

Socialism is king and capitalism will fall

All will be treated alike citizens or not

Everyone gonna get three squares and a cot

Castro da man made Kooba a better place

By following my hero we can shove our govment in Trump’s fat face

So dat’s my rap, Reverend Jackson is on my side to capcha his brothas’ vote

And come November we can all stand with raised fists and gloat

So come out and vote for me to give me da inside track

I mean this as I be serious as a heart attack”

Boom cha cha Boom cha cha

“My name is Biden and I be running for prez in a big way

I can’t member nuttin or so dey say

I be like one of the Royal family with da ol lady Queen

I feel like Prince Charles and should be making the scene

Me and Brotha Obama once be tight

And if he’d endorse me the future be bright

If he don’t I be draggin out da heavy artillery

I be naming my running mate as Hilary

In no time flat she be committing me to da rubber room

So her delayed Presidency she can resume

We gonna take your guns but don’t be alarmed

Our new gangsta immigrants will see no one’s harmed

Also we be gonna oh crap I forgot this verse

I can’t remember like I usta and my thoughts go from bad to worse

So instead of rapping I be striking a pose and do a dab

And I’ll fondle my crotch if someone be telling which side of my Depends to grab

I grabbed the wrong side in Cleveland

And the scramble for the exits got out of hand

So vote for me in November as I be da man to beat

And in November we can hand those Democ…er Republicans a defeat”

The Shark Tank


Duh Nuh
The two note sound echoed off the ocean floor and resounded through the coral sending the alarm
The Bloomberg Shark (Stoppus friskus) eyes opened wide while hoping for no additional harm

The Bloomberg Shark from the BS family had been dropping many clams on his private campaign and became an easy target for a harpoon
He’s hoping not to be added to the ocean floor where the bodies of short lived candidates are strewn

Duh Nuh Duh Nuh Duh Nuh
The notes were stringing rapidly together meaning more hungry sharks were in the neighborhood
Carefully peering around the wreck of the the sunken ship The USS Society to see as far as he could

Surprisingly the noise seemed to be coming from another member of the BS family (Oldus geekus) the Biden Shark.
A former serious predator now reduced to bottom feeding as his campaign had not been a swim in the park

Relieved the Bloomberg Shark relaxed for a minute not worried about a vicious attack
Mostly toothless having to gum his prey he’s not capable of much more than talking smack

Duh nuh Duh nuh Duh nuh
Now the notes were coming from the port side of the wreck
And there he was another BS predator the Buttigieg Shark (Accompli nadas) swimming over the top of the poop deck

Accompanied by his husband a member of the blow fish group and full of his own sense of pride
This shark was hoping to shred the Bloomberg animal and in his favor turn the tide

The Bloomberg Shark was further startled when a pale white shadow appeared above the kelp
It was the shrieking opportunist Warren Shark (Taxus richus) taking bites out of all the sharks in the area hoping every tooth mark will help

Cruising past and making incoherent noise was the Bernie Shark (Freeus allus) the largest BS of all tailed by a huge group of adoring sardines hoping to be forgiven of all their debts
The naive little fish would be surprised to see what their vote really gets

Finally the voters of the South Carolina caucus will realize they’re gonna need a bigger boat
All this mayhem to harpoon the Great White Whale (Deplorus patriotus) with their vote

Hoping for new leadership to stir up the prevailing ocean sediment
To quote Moby Dick “It smells like the left wing of the day of judgment”

Top Secret Documents Revealed

IMG_1038Recently during a sweeping of the House Floor, the cleaning staff uncovered some top secret documents

These apparently came from a drunken democrat passed out at his desk after losing the impeachment arguments

He was found in a fetal position producing only moans and spit bubbles while covered with what looked like a torn up speech

He thought a last gasp vote might remove that trespassing oaf from office but the final tally proved out of reach

But as he was rolled over these forms were trapped between his briefcase and his flask

It seems as a member of a secret voter registration committee he had been assigned a task

Found in a pool of sweat were documents to relocate individuals claiming refugee status

Promised was a better life, healthcare and unemployment benefits all issued gratis

There was also a document to be signed that read “antes de obtener todas las cosas gratis usted debe registrarse para ser un demócrata”

Also included was a temporary work visa and a plane ticket to Imlay, Nevada

Roughly translated the statement says, “before you get all the free stuff you must sign up to be a democrat.

This figures a way to eliminate that vile Electoral College and let the republican party be a political doormat

The map shows distribution points for individuals claiming refugee status like product leaving a packer

All are sent to battleground states and followed on phones and computers by the democrat developed app tracker

Ensuring in a short time the red states now in majority will turn blue

And the progressive objectives of government dependence will be the rule and the dream of apple pie and American flag will be through

To Kill A Talking Bird

The prosecution crowd was strutting in, it had been three long years
The man on trial wasn’t one of them, conjuring up their worst fears

In spite of their futile efforts, a new trade agreement was adding another achievement
“That’s not possible, he’s not good for the country.” They all cried boosting their bereavement

“But we finally got him, this ought to end his presidency.”
The fact the previous attempts at a coup bears no relevancy

Not caring their dog and pony show was beginning to look like a third world puppet regime
They were willing to give impeachment a shot so they could again reign supreme

The articles of impeachment were delivered by the trial managers marching across the Capitol looking like refugees from a PacMan game
Even though no one was home at the Senate the managers’ foolish parade appeared to produce no shame

The hand picked managers were to be a diverse group with two traits they all shared
The weasel, a Latino, two black people and a couple soon to be blue haired

The attributes in common are disdain for the American people and their hatred for the President
Taking this man down was their disturbed goal and not caring about the voters they represent

They’ve sharpened both their pencils and their teeth to grill the defense advocates
Hoping the same trial evidence and one new questionable witness won’t be found inadequate

Perhaps the trial after all does have the ability to anger the nation
When the citizens realize the proceedings preempt Days of Our Lives and are forced to watch reruns on the Super Station

Antiques Roadshow


The politicians are gathering at the Iowa Convention Center and telling the voters what they are worth
Pretending they have all the solutions, can save the country and are the salt of the earth

It appears the frontrunners are not spring chickens, their skin sags and their knees creak
They need glasses to read from a teleprompter so a foggy brain doesn’t cause them to misspeak

Most had to Google Iowa to find if an educated civilization exists and it’s geographical whereabouts
By using various browser searches they were able to determine needed information and the shortest in and out routes

The usual suspects were assembled minus a few that couldn’t generate much interest
Those missing came to the stunning conclusion that outside their circle of toadies there’s really no donating elitists

Most of the leading candidates had to use the handicapped entrance and each had a so equipped suite
The rooms were equipped with doors that opened only to the left and knee pads to continue their worship at Schumer and Pelosi’s feet

The Barbie and Ken of the feckless geriatric set, both crave power by running the House with an X in the center box
Causing Republican legislation to barely crawl as partisan votes are a unanimous bloc

Both the expressions of the Speaker and Minority Leader never change and are devoid of humor
Their faces are frozen as if out of hemorrhoid cream showing a constant grimace those of Pelosi and Schumer

The former Vice President Biden is in the Atrium claiming his vast experience will give Trump a scare
But first he needs to be near a twelve year old girl so he can smell her hair

Bernie Sanders is checking in next, a friend to all the struggling little people evidenced by the fact he can’t afford a comb
But also making sure he has a direct route out of Iowa to his nearest multi million dollar home

Since her beer chugging, kin to the Indians, and horrific healthcare costs didn’t work out there’s a new sound coming from Elizabeth Warren
Blasting her opposition and big business at every opportunity her open door policy on immigration now has her chameleon personality speaking Ecuadorian

So they’re here in Iowa to woo the caucus voters with all their rhetoric and bluster
While the middle of the road Iowans try to act engaged with all the civility they can muster

A Deplorable’s Vocabulary Primer to the Hearings

It’s been three years now and the democrats still have their panties in a wad
Their frantic attempt to keep the republicans from reelection has Americans viewing them as odd

Forget about the USA’s problems of immigration, infrastructure or healthcare
Trump in office for another four years is unthinkable and cause for great despair

They’re at home plate down two strikes and hoping this impeachment process is not strike three
Rather than legislate they’ll build a case based on innuendo provided by their own designees

Words are being tossed around during the hearings that this Primer will help clarify
You’ll understand some of the language used by those hand picked partisans chosen to testify

Whistleblower: This is an individual who reports to a superior evidence of a crime
Like when we think that Donna Doright sent the home office pictures of Cathy Cleavage and General Manager Sammy Slime

Quid Pro Quo: Elitist speak for you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours
This how Cathy Cleavage went from temp to executive assistant behind closed doors

Impeachment: An effort to bring formal charges against a higher-up by questioning that individual’s honesty
That is why Sammy Slime now works third shift in his new career of broom management for being lusty

The fact is this whole impeachment seems contrived and overplayed
As the Senate won’t vote Trump out, this whole inquiry is now the Dems divisive crusade

However, this hearing does detour around their campaign promises made when elected
Just another delaying tactic as their constituents will continue to be neglected

For they know that to accomplish guarantees made for their election they’ll have to work across the aisle
So America can stand up to their armpits in alligators while the Dems hide behind this trial

Jezebelosi: History Does Repeat Itself

 

About three thousand years ago a young woman was married to Israel’s king
A headstrong woman she didn’t appreciate the religion her new subjects seemed to cling

She set about to change all that by introducing her own beliefs for all to praise
She was now a woman of power and demanded all her subordinates to accept her mores

The new Priestess then set out to destroy all who opposed her
Unlike today, killing the opposition was fair so old beliefs did not recur

Her subjects lived in fear they and their ideology would be exposed by her tirades
As her Highness’s doctrines could possibly crumble the powerful Kingdom of Israel for decades

Fast forward 3000 years and now a powerful woman is out to instill her own values on a Nation
Elected to represent an area beset with multiple problems of immigration, homelessness and high taxation

She is determined to take down the person legally voted into office by the rules of the Constitution
Using any means possible through lies and innuendo supplied by shadowy figures, she’s hoping for prosecution

Since murder is now frowned upon except in a certain former presidential society
This lady would not consider wearing that crown of notoriety

If she and her sycophants before the upcoming election could take total control
She could turn the country into her private domain without a soul

She does feel the sweat of desperation creeping into her tired leak to the media style
Easily disproved statements and secret closed door meetings have replaced her previous guile

When the next election is over and she is forced to turn over her gavel
She and her party will see the plans for a new America unravel

Unlike the Jezebel days she can’t be thrown out the window to the hungry dogs below
But she will have to hit the road back to destitute California with her pack of toadies in tow

Land of the Free

Hello Folks, I appreciate all of you coming out on this cold night
After watching the events of the past years, I know how to have the citizens unite

My slogan here after will be “Make America Reliant Again”
I’ll let the people know the country is there to serve them and not run by a conman

I’m announcing I’m running for President and this I guarantee
We will make America fair to all and the land of the stuff that’s free

Forget that nonsense about asking what you can do for your country
We’re giving everything free without any collusion or a FBI dossier

Here’s my agenda, I’ll lay it out for all to see
And I’m sure most of you out there will agree

First thing we’re gonna open the border and tear down that wall
We’ll welcome all unvetted people warts and all

Next all newcomers whether a resident or not we’ll give the right to vote
They can cast a ballot before their feet are dry from jumping off the boat

I’m convinced they’ll vote in large numbers for the one giving the most free stuff
That candidate will be me, I’ll happily supply all wants and whims for free, sure enough

We’ll let all people vote at sixteen, I mean they are old enough to drive and have a kid
Who am I to block a sophomore in high school ideas’ of government, God forbid

While I’m at it, I’m going to promote the legalization of pot
There’s nothing like an ocean of people who’d rather be high and with welfare not do squat

Because I’m pushing for a federal wage guarantee, security for those unwilling to to work
I mean why work if you don’t have too and look like a do gooder jerk

Also don’t ever worry about sickness as our healthcare for all will take care of you
Ignore the fact your doctor arrived from a third world nation being paddled by six lepers in a bamboo canoe

Finally to keep people like me in power the Electoral College is going away
We refuse to honor a process that keeps all states equal and ends like Hillary’s dismay

If my promises ring hollow and my thoughts of making America reliant you disregard
Just remember, for those that don’t follow me I’ll be happy to pull the racist card.

Where’s Boris

We’re live tonight and riding with Sgt. Al (Big Al) Jackson an officer assigned to Russian Patrol
The agency formed after collusion talks indicated Russian infiltrators needed to be kept under control.
The patrol’s job is to seek out Soviet non-citizens, arrest and book them and have them deported
I’m riding with Sgt. Jackson following leads that residents have reported
Big AL explained he came from a military family and had grown tired of seeing America going down the tubes
Besides chasing bad guys beats working in a office and spending the day peering over cubes
The radio suddenly came to life advising a suspicious person at the Circle K sandwich bar
The suspect was upset that that none of the advertised condiments were Beluga caviar.
Gone before we got there we were tipped that suspicious person might be at Charge Bucks Coffee shop
A customer observed a person sending bulk e-mails of voting misinformation from his laptop
The individual was also agitated the Barista couldn’t create a Lenin likeness in his cappuccino.
Quietly we rolled into the parking lot and stopped behind a vintage El Camino
Approaching the suspect we identified ourselves as a government agency
Laughing, he replied that our numbers were too small to topple this insurgency
Still amused even in handcuffs he advised to take a look at the Mueller investigation
Two years and money wasted and nothing even close to a presidential incrimination
“We work with our network of hackers creating likable bots that America accepts as friends through their gullibility
State something outlandish enough times and fiction becomes fact. A guaranteed inevitability”
So the day progressed, the next stop was a big box store where three hookers were nabbed in the health and beauty aids.
All were demanding diplomatic immunity in an eastern bloc accent while dressed in plaid skirts and fake blond braids
The afternoon was spent interviewing green card violators trying to find a Russian connection from a potential deportee
Four hours later we were holding just one suspect who gave his name as Jesus del a Slobinski.
Later over beers, Big Al lamented. “You see it’s no longer a spy vs spy or Tom Cruise hanging on strings.”
“We spend our time waiting by the phone or seeing what new social media rumor tomorrow brings. “
“Yesterday’s detective work was easy. Tips were called in or you knocked on doors
Now we’re forced to follow up on rumors spread by a hacker six thousand miles away spreading lies like mushroom spores.”
The Russians are a dodge. The media is fueling the frenzy by writing their own unsubstantiated fabrications
The writer can read the hackers’ observations and instantly what was fiction is now face book proclamations.
Which is why we’re picking up eastern bloc amateur hookers and a caravan lightweight.
While the real criminal is on the other side of the world spreading gossip for shallow minds to infiltrate”

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