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An Observer of Life in Bad Poetry

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TV commercials

Going For The Gold

As the Olympics are winding down there are some medals that may have been overlooked

It seems Paris needed to create some new medals for all the squatters and immigrants the city ran out of the area because they were overbooked

So the city fashioned a medal for each of the unfortunates to treasure while they were forced to live on the streets

And made sure the cameras didn’t see them, ruining the view from the visiting elites

There was also a new medal for the fastest assembly of the new cardboard beds

The gold would go to the athlete with the best time combined with the best use of the Olympic themed spreads

Most of the Olympic Village guests were disqualified as they used the spread for a window covering since there were no curtains offering no time for privacy and solitude

Giving the athletes scarcely any alone time to adjust their game-time attitude

There was also a little known medal called the cafeteria race given to the winner in the form of the lone piece of meat

It seems the person in charge of food service figured the participants existed on brocolli and bean sprouts as the only fuel needed to compete

Finally, the last unknown medal was handed to marathoners who braved the waters of the river Seine

These medals were for bravery as the questionable water quality was checked daily for e-coli so the swimmers didn’t spend three days shooting antibiotics doubled up in pain

There were plenty of highlights from the games. The opening ceremony featured a woke version of the Last Supper painting

The depiction horrified a lot of America and had little old ladies fainting

The women’s gymnastics team dubbed the Golden Girls summoned up the gold led by Simone Biles

All activity stops while she is on the floor, the routine finishes, she sticks the landing and smiles

At the Olympics in 2052 the crowd will cheer when Katie Ledecky uses a rollator to get to her starting blocks

And then swims to four more medals while she blows her competitors out of their socks

When the US mens gymnastic team needed a flawless performance to medal they called on Stephen Nedoroscik

Putting down his glasses and hopping on the pommel horse with a perfect routine scoring high enough to do the trick

Other highlights include the Turkish air pistol shooter winning silver looking like he just stepped out of the audience and said “hold my beer”

Anthony Ammirati from France giving a new meaning to the term pole vault showing that except for a suddenly conspicuous bulge he might have been able to clear

And so it goes an evening of tape delay video filled with commercials that in no way will enhance your fitness

But as the champions emerge you can sit in your easy chair and claim to be a virtual witness

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Whole Body Deodorants

For the past 30 years television commercials have outdone themselves in pushing the boundaries of good taste

Any semblance of decency due to advertisers greed has long since been erased

Good clean commercials of breakfast cereals, pain relief, and airlines have been replaced with problems only formerly discussed in health class

Nothing is off limits. No body function is too gross to discuss and it doesn’t matter how crass

Smells top the list and people will try anything to cover their perceived odor No one wants to smell like an open air garbage dump

The commercials now have begun to sensationalize all stenches from various body parts, head to toes to rump

Back in the day people were also conscious of body odor and actually showered on a regular basis

Without actual physical activity, to walk around in a constant state of funk would have been considered graceless

After shave, cologne, and perfume were used to enhance one’s presence, not to cover up one’s lack of hygiene

But today’s commercials seem to say one needs to drench themselves with their product to keep from smelling like kerosene

The commercials go even further demonstrating the application of the product obviously aimed at a woman’s self-esteem

Rub it in everywhere, the feet, the armpits, under the breasts, and around the butt crack with this magical cream

The instructions say apply after showering, wait ten minutes to apply, and then let dry before dressing

That’s probably not going to speed up the morning routine. But if the shower doesn’t get it done apply these chemicals and what harm they do in the long run keeps everyone guessing

Reviews of these products are all over the board. Some say wonderful, some say it smells like the end of the world and caused an unhealthy rash

But if the smell police are out there, one can pick up this product to ward them off but be prepared to spend a little cash

Gone are the days of spraying deodorant in your sleepy eyes at six in the morning. This cream is applied with your hands

So rather than stopping up just your sweaty armpits, you can stop up all your body’s glands

So if your partner tries this cream and it doesn’t seem to faze her

You might mention another commercial you saw about the pubic hair razor

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Snacking on Jellyfish to Improve my Brain Function

Helping a child with their homework last week I was asked, “What is the capitol of Delaware?”

Drawing a complete blank I was concerned that my once sharp recall was not all there

After seeing commercials how an ingredient found in jellyfish can improve my brain

I decided to give it a try but the prices charged seemed a bit insane

So while at the beach, I found a dead jellyfish washed up on the shore

Though it smelled really fishy the price was certainly better than the supplement store

After brushing sand and a few fiddler crabs off the carcass I tossed it in an ice chest

I did lay a plastic bag over my beer so the cans would taste okay or so I guessed

Arriving home I unloaded the car and set the ice chest on the entrance mat

Within minutes the chest was covered with flies and being eyeballed by the mangy neighborhood cat

Undeterred I brushed off the flies shooed the cat and hosed off the gelatinous remains

Using my wife’s good pizza cutter I carefully sliced off strips avoiding what looked like blue veins

Firing up the grill I figured I could season the the strips with some pepper and barbecue rub

Hoping to produce some brain enhancing ocean fresh non expensive tasty grub

Eagerly anticipating the flavor my cast iron skillet slowly warmed to a medium high heat

I was hoping for possibly a new jerky both beneficial and delicious to eat

Using tongs I coated the strips with oil to keep from sticking and placed them on the grill

Thinking how I liked my secret fish taco recipe I also brushed on a little mustard and dill

What happened next caused Wizard of Oz flashbacks as the strips shriveled like the Wicked Witch’s shoes

They melted into a lava like gooey substance and a toxic smelling juice started to ooze

Sliding a spatula under one of the globs I pasted it on a cracker like hors d’oeurves

As the cracker reached my lips I experienced a flash of internet potential of all natural jellyfish preserves

Just like a kid with an Oreo I licked the bubbling blob to see what I created

Instantly my eyes watered, my throat constricted, and my tongue dilated

Chugging three now warm fishy tasting beers the noxious taste partially subsided

Scraping the skillet into the compost pile I realized my attempt at improving my brain was misguided

To think you can improve your recall by a creature that just floats with the tide

Is falling for an ad campaign based on age paranoia and being taken for a ride

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