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A Daily Observer in Bad Poetry

Humor in Daily Life, Politics and Sports

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halloween

The Late Night Infomercial Discount Funeral Director

Hello folks, glad you tuned in. My name is Alex, your money protector

And I’m your late night burial on a budget funeral director

We know times are tough and with the price of funerals it’s easy to deduce

That ten thousand term life insurance policy will soon vamoose

There’s a multitude of tacked on costs involved with the actual service

But there’s no need to feel dejected, super anxious or extremely nervous

We can fill your needs, cut the superfluous add-ons to go with what is essential

And of course keep all details of the arrangements completely confidential

You’ve talked to the local mortuary personnel and though they seemed sincere

But while explaining the extra charges they sounded like a livestock auctioneer

You see a funeral isn’t a stuff ’em, praise ’em and plant ’em situation

There are multiple choices to be made post haste in this time of devastation

We’re here to take you away from unnecessary costs in your time of need

Tell us what you can comfortably spend, as your budget we won’t exceed

If you’re financially strapped, with only the Social Security benefit of two fifty five

Just ask for the government burial special and that’s no jive

We’ll treat the remains right, you need not worry about a thing

We handle documents, the casket and with our boom box memorial angels sing

The ceremony is quick, efficient, easy on the pocketbook so all is good

The casket is sealed with caulk and made from genuine plywood

Our Econovan is shined and polished to transport the loved one to our own cemetery

If pall bearers are in short supply, we have a jeep with a winch on stand by if necessary

If you prefer cremation we also offer special arrangements way below market price

Why pay thousands when our budget service will more than suffice

Finally we offer to those in economic hardship our bottom line no frills plan

For thirty nine ninety nine we handle business as only we can

The burial is in our compost pile with our twice yearly turnover guarantee

Our own fire pit is used for cremation to keep the details hassle free

The body is covered with remnants from our casket workshop

Two cans of lighter fluid are ceremoniously sprayed over the top

Words of tribute from pour from our blue tooth speaker as the pyre is lit with a keepsake lighter

A souvenir to save in these difficult time to make things brighter

So give us a call when times are trying and money is tight

Dealing with death is bad enough but cleaning your savings out shouldn’t add to the fright

Dog Shadows

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Entry was easy, the unlocked window nudged up without much strain

Stalking slowly muffling claws on the hardwood, these people must be slain

Carol’s eyes snapped open, there was that rhythmic clicking sound again

The house is always quiet, then the soft rustle and movement in the den

Greg was out of town, another sales seminar and won’t be back until Friday

Cassie, her two year old asleep in her princess bed three steps down the hallway

In the faint light she glimpsed the dark shadow of some dog like beast

Her mind screaming, ‘it’s just an illusion, not a ghost of a brute long since deceased.”

Cracking open her door trying to quiet her pounding heart and shaking knees

She took a deep breath to regain composure hoping to see nothing causing her to freeze

The light swept down the hall revealing nothing. Then came that low soft growl

She thought she’d heard it before, like a warning from an animal on a prowl

Feeling the hair stand on her arms, she gently called Cassie’s name

Cassie, oh please baby don’t be playing some kind of game”

Trying not to panic, Carol’s mind feverishly worked for this to make some sense

Maybe this is a dream started when that wolfish dog charged the fence

It was an early fall day, and the three of them had been on a walk around the block

When hateful Mr Guyler’s gargantuan mutt Simba had rattled the pickets and lock

After the dog had terrified the family, Greg started a petition to have Simba put down

Mr Guyler was outraged screaming at Greg, “just who was he to throw his weigh around?”

The court ruled in Greg’s favor that Simba was a nuisance and needed to be destroyed

A hysterical Mr Guyler was led away, the eyes of the jurors he tried to avoid

You people don’t understand, “ bellowed Mr Guyler. “Simba was more than a stray”

He’ll be in your nightmares, your lives, your children’s lives, you’ll have hell to pay”

Now two months later the torment has started, two are children missing, only clues blood and glass

There are no additional traces, no weapon, no ransom note, no footprints in the grass

Mr Guyler proclaimed his innocence, his dog had been destroyed, he had nothing to add

Now it was just Carol to fend for her baby with a flashlight. The only weapon she had

Dammit Greg your self righteous gun control rhetoric is not doing me any good now”

We’ll have a discussion on this, we need to consider what kind of weapon you would allow”

Snapping on her light and pushing open Cassie’s door the beam revealed the glow of yellow eyes

Carol saw her baby was gone, a wail formed on her lips, in her mind the clarity of one who dies

The creature launched at Carol with unimaginable speed, fangs bared and a banshee shriek

She felt it’s claws hook her chest, her throat was torn away, her blood lapped by this ghoulish freak

Suddenly the monster lifted it’s head, sniffed the air, crashed through the window and was gone

The house was still again, the only noise was the tick of a clock and the sputter of sprinklers on the lawn

Little Ankles

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The hidden mouse hole in the vent under the bed was just large enough

His eyes glittered in the dark while he slid through as it wasn’t rough

The storage box on the floor provided cover and a good point of view

For the mouse that was recently by there looking for something to chew

The bed springs above creaked and and he heard a small voice call for Mother

Alert, quietly sniffing the air, waiting for a mouse or something other

The door swung open with a cheery voice and the rustle of a house coat

The bunny slippers looked so real. “Maybe I could strike quickly at the throat.”

But the long legs in the rabbits would be a challenge and hard to digest

Thinking better of an attack,he put down his head and continued to rest.

Then above him, he sensed motion, a smaller movement then the one in the door

The springs bounced with a cheerful noise and the little ankles landed on the floor

Only these feet were small and delicate as were the legs, a definite possibility

“Something that small would fill my void and is well within my capability.”

The young voice asked. “Mommy after drinking my milk can I go out to play?”

This conversation happening only inches from where the big reptile lay.

Then a smooch sound a giggle and the little ankles were lifted away

With his tongue flicking, the long vigil resumed waiting on his prey

“Honey, what is this?” the young mother asked looking looking at the vacuum can

She was looking at several oblong objects each looking like half a pecan

“Why on earth,” the husband asked. “Are you sorting through the vacuum and dust pan?”

“I’ve been finding these under the bed and behind the settee.”

The young mother continued. “They look like droppings of mouse poo to me.”

The husband took note and noticed the shape and mumbled he might agree

“Okay,” he said. “We’ll find us a good exterminator man.”

“One that will come out just once and not try to sell us a long term plan.”

“You might have a problem a little bigger than mice.”

The uniformed man spoke to the mother while holding a trap device.

“I’ll put a few of these out and head down to your crawl space.”

“Not to alarm but I’ll carry my bag and snake hook just in case.”

He took a while under the house, she could him cough and wheeze

He then appeared with cob webs in his hair and dirt on his knees

He held one long snake skin in his hand that draped to the floor

“This is all I found I didn’t find anything more.”

“The snake might have moved on looking for something to eat.”

“When they don’t have a reason to stay they have a tendency to retreat.”

“So you mean it’s gone?” Asked the woman in a voice tinged with fear.

She demanded, “I want it gone or killed and none anywhere near.”

“I think it’s gone I can’t tell for sure, but I’ll seal the cracks so it can’t get in.”

“That should be the last of him and I will dispose of this skin.”

“But I’ll tell you a secret that you may have thought out.”

“Most homes unless really closed up have a snake or two without a doubt.”

So he caulked up the cracks on the outside and all along the baseboard

Anyplace around the house the slithering animal might have explored

“I’m sure that’s got it ma’am your house is now tight as a tick.”

“If any small cracks develop a shot of silicone sealer should do the trick.”

The young mother paid for the service, relieved the work was complete

And to not have to worry about what was crawling near their feet

That night after putting her daughter to bed and turning out the light

She didn’t notice the lump under the stuffed bear looked not quite right

Under the happy bluebird sheets the lump started to uncoil

The sheets were tucked in very tightly causing him to toil

Tonight the little ankles were his, where he had hidden still and unseen

As the little feet came into view, he wanted to wish all Happy Halloween.

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