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An Observer of Life in Bad Poetry

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Why The Infatuation With Red Onions

The neighbor had been bragging for months about his secret pizza recipe

He claimed this pizza was so good, a person eating it would need therapy

And to enhance the pizza, he recently purchased a $600 outdoor pizza oven that heats to 800 degrees

Because after tasting this he boasted he’d start a new pizza chain and would have to fight off potential franchisees

So, the small group assembled on his deck and watched as the pie was ceremoniously placed on the hot stone

Seven minutes later the pizza came out piping hot, charred just right and to a hungry man the aroma of expensive cologne

Eagerly blowing on my slice, mouth watering in anticipation the overpowering taste of red onion came as quite a shock

The list of potential franchisees dwindled rapidly and as a group mumbled about having to go while asking if they could take the rest of their slice home in a zip lock

The red onion once again raised its fetid stench to kill what could have been a delicious taste test

But cooks and chefs everywhere use and praise this red bulb like it was the winner of an onion love fest

Many a sandwich and salad combo has been ruined by the pungent taste

Maybe the onion flavor was used to cover off flavor of nearly expired ingredients to keep from being waste

Think about how many nights have been spent on the sofa after consuming a few strands of the red

Close conversation, nuzzling on a love seat, and lovemaking are definitely out as the onion once again rears its ugly head

The bonus to the onion dilemma is it hangs in one’s mouth and hands the following day

It’s taste takes no backseat to any ingredient in guacamole, chicken salad, or a bowl of chili, but the plus side is it might keep bugs away

Perhaps the baby that granny was fussing over for crying through the night might be caused by the nursing mother

Because when standing at the deli counter and nodding yes to pickled red onion on her sandwich any thought of affecting the baby went in one ear and out the other

There are many varieties of onion to sample and savor

But don’t ruin a hard afternoon in the kitchen with an acidic red onion. That would do all diners a favor

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Tell Us What You Think About Your Visit

The receipt read this store values your feedback. Please fill out the short survey and have a chance at the monthly drawing to win a $500 gift card

(and just so you know since you filled out the survey before if you don’t answer these questions your e-mail box we will bombard)

The alleged short survey asks for a star rating on a few particular items purchased today

The store not only asks for your money to purchase their product, but also your free time much to your dismay

You had maneuvered your cart up and down the clogged aisles, past annoying merchandise display shippers, other shoppers and employees filling multiple on-line requests

The highlight of the shopping experience, sitting on their soft drink lined mechanized carts were very obese customers in various stages of undress

Finally, after an exhausting search for the last item on your list, you jockey your cart to the self- checkout

The two manned registers had a long lines, so the open checkout register seemed to be the quickest route

But the machine charged you $28 for a four dollar item meaning you had to press the need assistance light

And the only store employee with the magic code to over-ride the machine error was nowhere in sight

So the fastest way out of the store now became an interminable 12-minute wait

At last exiting the store you had to push past the cute little tykes hawking their fund-raising wares, not believing the four-letter words coming from the children mouths filled with so much hate

Eventually unloading the items purchased it wasn’t ten minutes before your e-mail inbox chimed

It was as if the big box store had your location and your trip home timed

So to keep the inbox clutter-free and to get the store off your back you go ahead and take the survey

The e-mail stated a short survey, but time required and the sheer number of questions asked, the short survey turned into a grad school essay

Were you greeted by a team member? How was the product variety, availability and value? Were you offered assistance?

As with all big box stores, you’re there because their discounted prices have driven the little guys out of business, and you think you saw a store associate off in the distance

Fifteen minutes into the survey answering why you checked a three star instead of five

You realize most of this survey was just a lot of corporate jive

What the store really wants to know is why you are buying a particular product to help with future product distribution

In reality, since you rolled your cart up and down the endless aisles, self checked, paid your hard-earned money, and sacked your own purchases, was the store really out reward you for your contribution

But if you think you have a shot in hell of winning the cash prize

Read the fine print in the rules and regulations and let that dose of reality hit you right between the eyes

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The Last Train To Rehoboth Beach

The train left the White House station for the last time early Sunday afternoon

On board for the final ride was the President, trailing so badly in the polls he was forced to change his tune

He was to quit his campaign to repeat another four year term as leader of the free world

But he’d grown too old, feeble, and lost the last debate now with his future at stake rumors swirled

Headed to his beach house on the train he claimed to have ridden over one and half million miles

He travels across the collapsed Francis Scott Key bridge, the one that never had railroad tracks, looks back at Washington DC and smiles

He will be remembered by children many generations from now still trying to pay off his debt

But that matters not to him as he played the Biden name for all it was worth and he still gets to drive his Corvette

He rides through areas where unsatisfied citizens would have thrown eggs at his train

But due to his economic policy and the price of eggs the people can only shout something profane

He is cheered however by non-citizens lining the bridges as they don’t work, live in nice hotels with free wifi and TV

He was sure he could have won by campaigning again from his basement and a huge number of preprinted ballots sent in by questionable voters in absentee

But the puppet masters said no, too many people are angry and demanding a change

So the obvious choice falls to the next in line to the VP, the person the current first lady spent the last three years trying to estrange

So the Border Czar will now be tasked with winning the election really hoping the illegal migrants will be able to vote

Crossing in huge caravans the people offer limited skills and a huge burden on a bloated national debt that has a struggling America barely staying afloat

But the man with the weary eyes journeys on waving at nine of his supporters twerking at his car from an overpass

Going by four charging stations with cars that are lined up for a hot and sweaty twenty minute wait for enough juice just to get them home wishing they had bought gas

Angry at being forced out he realizes his office is leaving behind a multitude of unresolved plans

Will the new leadership accept his visions of total greenscape, continued advancement of two foreign wars, and forcing the education of children in gender dysphoria and everything trans

So its with great trepidation that he is returning home knowing he’ll have listen every night to his wife screaming like a banshee

And hiding from the phone constantly ringing with calls from an irate Mayorkas, Blinken and Zelensky

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Killa Wafers

In the 1943 edition of Joy Of Cooking, Granny would have a followed the recipe should she desire some vanilla wafers for dessert

She would have donned her baking apron worn from years of use to protect her only Sunday skirt

She then assembled all her ingredients including sugar, vanilla, and egg and butter

She would have sifted the flour, added whole milk and beat the batter smooth. Then she would roll it flat and shape the cookies with a cutter

Pretty soon the aroma of baking vanilla wafers would be wafting through the house

A simple cookie baked in seven minutes with real ingredients and served with pride to guest, kids and spouse

Fast forward 80 years and forget about fooling around in a hot kitchen for simple cookies just buy a box of vanilla wafers at the store

Besides looking at today’s ingredients and having them on hand would be a near impossible chore

For that matter Granny could never bake with the ingredients listed on the side of the box

As most of the ingredients listed sound like refugees from a chemistry class and if not measured properly would probably choke an ox

Granny would become very frustrated trying to add thiamine mononitrate to her batter

And knowing full well that using high fructose corn syrup would only make Gramps a little fatter

And don’t get Granny started on natural and artificial flavors. “What is it?” she snapped angrily causing her false teeth to click
“Vanilla is the main flavor and its not even listed,” she advised. “This gunk would make you very sick.”

“Sorry, I’m not eating anything that says contains mono and diglycerides.” I guess they figure no one will read this list.”

The grandchildren would have already scattered as they could tell by her red face and the tone of her voice she was pissed

Someone should have told Granny before she passed away at 93 that food is better today through modern chemistry and mass production

However after cleaning her grand kid’s backpack and finding a three-year-old store bought vanilla wafer looking like it just came out of the box, she’d have known better by deduction

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