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Don’t Bogart That E-cig

Don’t Bogart that joint, pass it over to me

In the film Easy Rider the group Fraternity of Man did decree

One can picture Bogie cigarette dangling from his lips in a melancholy film noir

Slouching against a bar, dinner jacket and sleepy eyes fresh from the ingenue’s boudoir

Somehow the impact of the scene would lose effectiveness if Bogart disappeared in a water vapor mist

The movie world would never see when a kiss is just a kiss

Disguising itself as a way to kick tobacco the e-cig industry created a huge income craze

Appealing not only for the buzz but also the cool factor the ad business portrays

Ignore the fact the e-juice may have been assembled by a profiteer at his kitchen table

And to make it look legit slap on a counterfeit label

Today there are expensive devices that produce those euphoric vapors

Gone are the paranoid days at the mini mart buying the J ◊ B rolling papers

Just knowing the entire U.S . Intel community was outside hiding in the kudzu vines

With their sniper scopes trained on your back while peering through the Georgia pines

Many of the present day vaping products sold contain unregulated juice

Pretending lung damage happens to the other guy makes for a risky calculated excuse

Producing a current potential lesson on how to whistle as a walk away tease

“You know how to whistle don’t you? You just put your lips together and wheeze.”

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Snacking on Jellyfish to Improve my Brain Function

Helping a child with their homework last week I was asked, “What is the capitol of Delaware?”

Drawing a complete blank I was concerned that my once sharp recall was not all there

After seeing commercials how an ingredient found in jellyfish can improve my brain

I decided to give it a try but the prices charged seemed a bit insane

So while at the beach, I found a dead jellyfish washed up on the shore

Though it smelled really fishy the price was certainly better than the supplement store

After brushing sand and a few fiddler crabs off the carcass I tossed it in an ice chest

I did lay a plastic bag over my beer so the cans would taste okay or so I guessed

Arriving home I unloaded the car and set the ice chest on the entrance mat

Within minutes the chest was covered with flies and being eyeballed by the mangy neighborhood cat

Undeterred I brushed off the flies shooed the cat and hosed off the gelatinous remains

Using my wife’s good pizza cutter I carefully sliced off strips avoiding what looked like blue veins

Firing up the grill I figured I could season the the strips with some pepper and barbecue rub

Hoping to produce some brain enhancing ocean fresh non expensive tasty grub

Eagerly anticipating the flavor my cast iron skillet slowly warmed to a medium high heat

I was hoping for possibly a new jerky both beneficial and delicious to eat

Using tongs I coated the strips with oil to keep from sticking and placed them on the grill

Thinking how I liked my secret fish taco recipe I also brushed on a little mustard and dill

What happened next caused Wizard of Oz flashbacks as the strips shriveled like the Wicked Witch’s shoes

They melted into a lava like gooey substance and a toxic smelling juice started to ooze

Sliding a spatula under one of the globs I pasted it on a cracker like hors d’oeurves

As the cracker reached my lips I experienced a flash of internet potential of all natural jellyfish preserves

Just like a kid with an Oreo I licked the bubbling blob to see what I created

Instantly my eyes watered, my throat constricted, and my tongue dilated

Chugging three now warm fishy tasting beers the noxious taste partially subsided

Scraping the skillet into the compost pile I realized my attempt at improving my brain was misguided

To think you can improve your recall by a creature that just floats with the tide

Is falling for an ad campaign based on age paranoia and being taken for a ride

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The Vacuum of Thought

As the day grows longer and the nights go colder
The world deteriorates as we grow older
We’re going to be able to see in hindsight
What we’ve given up without a fight
At a time this country is being overtaken by the ungrateful masses
We think problems will disappear, viewed through our rose colored glasses
It’s easier to turn away and pretend to not see
Then to make a stand and not be considered PC
The mindless press and media control the process of thought
Forget about common sense, forget about things taught
Plug your earbuds in and crank up that current pop tune
To the problems surrounding you just stay immune
Why worry over over the jobless, impoverished or the hungry
When you can call your buddy and complain about the game’s referee
Check out your cell phone to see the latest app
While the power people with their finger on the trigger begin to unwrap
When the great heathen masses begin to mobilize
As cities around the world start to vaporize
And containers of nerve gas become airborne
Who in this world will be left to mourn
Continue to hold the celebrities to the highest acclaim
Continue to worry about the point spread of the big game
It’s all about the newest toy and one upmanship
While third world children become experts at weapons field strip
So lock yourself away in your your loft apartment
Content in the knowledge that five dollar coffee is money well spent
While in the limited access countries they’re building bombs to radiate
And use their cell phones to pinpoint and annihilate
Consequently when fighting for your life against an enemy with no soul
Just remember it wasn’t supposed to happen according to the latest media poll

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Land of the Free

Hello Folks, I appreciate all of you coming out on this cold night
After watching the events of the past years, I know how to have the citizens unite

My slogan here after will be “Make America Reliant Again”
I’ll let the people know the country is there to serve them and not run by a conman

I’m announcing I’m running for President and this I guarantee
We will make America fair to all and the land of the stuff that’s free

Forget that nonsense about asking what you can do for your country
We’re giving everything free without any collusion or a FBI dossier

Here’s my agenda, I’ll lay it out for all to see
And I’m sure most of you out there will agree

First thing we’re gonna open the border and tear down that wall
We’ll welcome all unvetted people warts and all

Next all newcomers whether a resident or not we’ll give the right to vote
They can cast a ballot before their feet are dry from jumping off the boat

I’m convinced they’ll vote in large numbers for the one giving the most free stuff
That candidate will be me, I’ll happily supply all wants and whims for free, sure enough

We’ll let all people vote at sixteen, I mean they are old enough to drive and have a kid
Who am I to block a sophomore in high school ideas’ of government, God forbid

While I’m at it, I’m going to promote the legalization of pot
There’s nothing like an ocean of people who’d rather be high and with welfare not do squat

Because I’m pushing for a federal wage guarantee, security for those unwilling to to work
I mean why work if you don’t have too and look like a do gooder jerk

Also don’t ever worry about sickness as our healthcare for all will take care of you
Ignore the fact your doctor arrived from a third world nation being paddled by six lepers in a bamboo canoe

Finally to keep people like me in power the Electoral College is going away
We refuse to honor a process that keeps all states equal and ends like Hillary’s dismay

If my promises ring hollow and my thoughts of making America reliant you disregard
Just remember, for those that don’t follow me I’ll be happy to pull the racist card.

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Little Girl Lost

Wake up and good morning sweet girl, pretty granddaughter
I’m very sorry due to your gender you’ll be treated like a fish out of water
You see society is determining that just wanting to be a girl is reprehensible
The fact that wanting to play with dolls and wearing curls is not defensible
You’ll soon be initiated into what was once considered alternate lifestyles
The schools will educate, social media will preach and television enforces across all dials
You’ll be introduced into sports to compete against other kids
The sports will all be gender neutral as competing your own sex the law forbids
When you finally reach high school and can compete against all female teams
Unfortunately there’s always an opponent who’s six four with a beard or so it seems
Though she identifies as a female the fact she wears a jock seems a bit discerning
You see little girl it’s all part of your life you’ll be learning
Sex education will never be the same and neither will be home ec class
The school board terrified of reprisal wants no part of a vocal group’s lambastes
The gym teacher will no longer get by with an anatomy poster and a thirty minute videotape
The instructor now comes with a laundry list covering everything from disease to rape
Advising the merits of experimentation to satisfy a growing curiosity
And for the moment it’s okay to push aside your background of religiosity
The playground groups whisper about who’s done what and who is square
So when your moment comes are you willing to try on a double dog dare
The days of high school dances cruising the strip and making out in the back seat
Have been replaced with heterosexual hesitation and hoping that doesn’t end as a bad tweet
Just wanting to be a strong free thinking woman just doesn’t cut it anymore
To be independent is considered gauche. One must embrace an alt lifestyle for society to adore
It’s a pack mentality, keeping the group intact, intimidation by numbers
Ideas impressed in young minds creating fitful dreams while one slumbers
So little one enjoy your playtime, your tea parties and dressing in Mom’s attire
As soon confusion about yourself will arise from lectures advocated as the law requires

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The Late Night Infomercial Discount Funeral Director

Hello folks, glad you tuned in. My name is Alex, your money protector

And I’m your late night burial on a budget funeral director

We know times are tough and with the price of funerals it’s easy to deduce

That ten thousand dollar term life insurance policy will soon vamoose

There’s a multitude of tacked on costs involved with the actual service

But there’s no need to feel dejected, super anxious or extremely nervous

We can fill your needs, cut the superfluous add-ons to go with what is essential

And of course keep all details of the arrangements completely confidential

You’ve talked to the local mortuary personnel and though they seemed sincere

But while explaining the extra charges they sounded like a livestock auctioneer

You see a funeral isn’t a stuff ’em, praise ’em and plant ’em situation

There are multiple choices to be made post haste in this time of devastation

We’re here to take you away from unnecessary costs in your time of need

Tell us what you can comfortably spend, as your budget we won’t exceed

If you’re financially strapped, with only the Social Security benefit of two fifty five

Just ask for the government burial special and that’s no jive

We’ll treat the remains right, you need not worry about a thing

We handle documents, the casket and with our boom box memorial angels sing

The ceremony is quick, efficient, easy on the pocketbook so all is good

The casket is sealed with caulk and made from genuine plywood

Our Econovan is shined and polished to transport the loved one to our own cemetery

If pall bearers are in short supply, we have a jeep with a winch on stand by if necessary

If you prefer cremation we also offer special arrangements way below market price

Why pay thousands when our budget service will more than suffice

Finally we offer to those in economic hardship our bottom line no frills plan

For thirty nine ninety nine we handle business as only we can

The burial is in our compost pile with our twice yearly turnover guarantee

Our own fire pit is used for cremation to keep the details hassle free

The body is covered with remnants from our casket workshop

Two cans of lighter fluid are ceremoniously sprayed over the top

Words of tribute pour from our blue tooth speaker as the pyre is lit with a keepsake lighter

A souvenir to save in these difficult time to make things brighter

So give us a call when times are trying and money is tight

Dealing with death is bad enough but cleaning your savings out shouldn’t add to the fright

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Want Ad Translator

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It was Sunday, the paper’s heavy and the Classified section thick

Bills  are due, employment was needed and not a lot of room to cherry pick

Some new employment want ads might be a possible opportunity

A new posting even shows a job hiring in a nearby community

Closer inspection reveals the job description might need translation

Years of experience helped peruse the ads to avoid future frustration

Certain phrases hoist the red flags and should be discussed during the interview

Notices always promises stability, excellent conditions and part of a progressive crew

However what is written and real life might be the difference of night and day

A  quick look at some of the phrases might eliminate frustration and paycheck dismay

Fast Paced Environment: Meaning you’re in over your head from day one

As we have no training program you’ll work slavishly until deciding cut and run

Must be Flexible: We are short staffed, our place is a mess, you’d better be good with a broom

Oh and three days a week, be early as you’ll be mopping and scrubbing the restroom

Must be accurate: Pay attention to every detail, have positive attitude, and be highly organized

Our manager is a nit picker, tattles to the boss for minor infractions, so you will be scrutinized

Huge Opportunity for Growth: We’re broke and have only twenty four dollars in our bank account

An immediate need for you to land three huge clients within the week would be paramount

Must be a Team Player and able to Multitask: We are undisciplined and have no faith in our current staff

You’ll fill in when a deadbeat doesn’t show up, you’ll do his job and yours, but first you need a polygraph

Salary Commensurate with Experience: This phrase means we’re not planning on paying the new employee squat

You better be willing to work long hours for the minimum,  if expecting more wear clothes that make you look hot.

Years of want ad followup has led me to these conclusions, the job just might not be as the ad appears

So I’ll tell the unemployment lady I’m still out looking and have myself a few more beers.

                                                                                                                                

 

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